this past week in sports

For the last two months all I've been watching are basketball playoffs and the Euro 2008 soccer tournament. As has been discussed, I'm extremely happy to see Paul Pierce (and now, to a lesser extent, Kevin Garnett) finally win a ring. Garnett didn't show up in the final round vs. the Lakers until Game 6, so at least he avoids a legacy as a complete choke artist, but he made up for it with his completely unintelligible postgame interview with Michelle Tafoya, where he broke into this caterwauling Native-American mushmouthed tongue. You could see Michelle Tafoya's life flashing before her eyes as she asks inane question after question when all Kevin Garnett's eyes are saying are "Hulk SMASH! So Sad, Now Happy! Want Sex!" Sure enough, he returns to English briefly to compliment Tafoya on how nice she looks.

Paul Pierce's moment was much more genuine. I say the city of Boston gives him free rein this summer to go around stabbing whoever he likes. He's a hero.

Nevertheless, those damn things take forever. The Celtics played their first playoff game on April 20th, and their 27th and final on June 17th. Jesus Beezus. It's like watching a marathon, but no one's allowed to run, only sashay. At least in Stephen King's short story "The Long Walk" contestants get shot as they bow out. Unfortunately, in the NBA this only happens in the offseason.

Whereas the Euro 2008 soccer tournament has featured some great nail-biting matches, all in the span of a few weeks. This weekend saw four tight quarterfinal matches, three going to extra time and two ending in penalty kicks. There's so much to love about this game -- no commercials, no timeouts. You can watch with your significant other because soccer players have pretty hair and run around in shorts. And in the elimination rounds of tournament play, obviously there are no ties. Penalty kicks are gut-wrenching at the end of a match. And while you don't see it on the field, I'm pretty sure there are shootings. And when Turkey eventually loses, waterboarding.

So do yourself a favor and watch the semifinals this week and/or the Final on Sunday. Especially if Spain plays Germany in the final, because the Spanish are so frickin' tiny; in comparison to the Germans it will look truly bizarre. I wonder if the Oompa-Loompas were good at soccer. And now that I think about it, it's funny that I say "were" as if there used to be Oompa-Loompas but aren't anymore. Or they just quit playing soccer, and decided being slaves in a factory was a better gig.

Btw, when the f is someone gonna make the movie about 'Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator?, the superior Roald Dahl sequel to Chocolate Factory? If you're not dying to see the horrifying vision of Charlie's grandparents turn from seniors into babies in the matter of minutes, and then watch Charlie and Wonka go to Minusland to rescue Grandma Georgina, or see the creatures that frightened me as a child more than anything, the Vermicious Knids, the stoned kid in you is dead.