Sunday, January 4, 2009


Find us at our new home: I'm Keith Hernandez! Update your links.

All the old content from this site is also up at the new page, but we'll leave this little guy up for nostalgia. Let this nascent little site fade off into nothingness, like a sex life.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Keith's first round playoff picks

Tonight, my furry-balled friends, is the last I'm Keith Hernandez post in this rudimentary format. This was just a lark so Hernandez and I could rap sports, but he's proven to be such a misguided douche-sicle that I felt it was time to expand the format so that more people could see me dismantle his ridiculous opinions. Yes, he outpicked me in football this year, but he's a Mets fan. It's hard living.

Let's look at the games:

Falcons at Cardinals

The Cardinals are the worst team to win a division and host a playoff game ever. I'm absolutely sure of it. The Cardinals are the Sixteen Candles Farmer Ted, King of the Geeks, heads of the worst division ever to play a game and call it football. The Falcons, meanwhile, are an upstart team, completely turned around from last year, and making semen squirt from penises across America.

The Falcons are the better team, but I can't vouch for a rookie quarterback in the playoffs. Shortloads and shortloads of fudge-y badness. I'm rooting for them, but I think the worse team will win.

Pick: Cardinals

Colts at Chargers

The Chargers always play the Colts tough, and won out to squeeze into the playoffs. But they're going to get faced. They're the horse-faced girl in that bad porn clip you downloaded last night. I hate to agree with Hernandez, but right is right, fair is fair, and Peyton Manning has a pretty mouth.

Pick: Colts

Ravens at Dolphins

The Ravens are my dark-horse pick to sneak into the Super Bowl. They play steady, and they consistently play hard. They never played an awful game this year. Not the best team in the AFC, but against a Miami Dolphins team that relies on a gimmick Wildcat offense to score points, I like them. These two teams met earlier in the year, and Baltimore ravished Miami with pearl necklaces and Dirty Sanchezs.

Hernandez says the Ravens D gets all the pub, but what he forgets is that the offense averaged 24 points a game this year. They'll do fine.

Pick: Ravens

Eagles at Vikings

Hernandez is wrong. I'm taking the Vikings. And for the tenth time this year, he takes a private email I write him and puts it on the blog when he points out that yes, Tavaris Jackson has a better QB rating than Eli Manning. Hernandez disparages the QB rating, but uses the much better argument that Eli "always makes the big play when he needs to." Which is so much of a better rating system for quarterbacks -- completely irrelevant rose-colored viewing by a homer Giants fan. In said private email, he didn't address that the Giants have *the best* offensive line in football, *the best* blocking fullback in football, and the 5th team ever to feature two running backs who gained 1000 yards in the same season. Ladies and gentlemen, that makes life 100 times easier on a quarterback.

For this post alone, I'm going out to Donovans weeks in advance of Hernandez's gift burger, befriending the cook, and hawking a big fat loogie into his ground beef beforehand. I know that sounds sick, but that's only because I'm going to drink a concoction of rat farts, ground up chicken feet and Country Club malt liquor before said loogie.

Pick: Vikings

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Hernandez NFL Playoff Picks - Round 1

Now that this New Year's shit is out of the way, it's time to get serious. The playoffs officially begin Saturday, but for a lot of teams it really kicked off last Sunday, when there were multiple postseason spots on the line and about 12 teams with a chance to make it. The day was packed with non-stop action, and fortunately the Jets, Cowboys, Patriots and Broncos all ate a dick and won't be participating in the fun. I couldn't be happier.

The Pats can hold their heads high because at least they won. Those other teams have no excuse. The Broncos deserved to lose because the Hochuli call wasn't fair, but holy shit did they ever get reamed. There's bad defense, and then there's giving up 52 in a "win and you're in" scenario. Atrocious. I applaud their management for finally firing Mike Shanahan, who has been living off the faded glory of Horseface Elway for more than a decade.

The Cowboys were just as bad with their own season on the line, getting blown out 44-6 by a hated division rival. Couldn't have happened to a nicer bunch of scumbags. And I love that Jerry Jones is too arrogant and stubborn to admit his mistake in hiring Wade Philips, so he's going to force him to stay on as coach next year when he clearly can't control players who don't respect him. This is so awesome.

And the Jets? Whoo boy. Hating this team has given me a lifetime of pleasure, and this season was exactly like last season's miraculous Giants championship run, only in reverse. SO much fun to watch, and it should continue in the near future. They did the right thing by getting rid of Eric "Worst 'Sopranos' Cameo Ever" Mangini, but undercut it by keeping their lawyer/cap guy (i.e., non-football guy) GM Mike Tannenbaum. He can't evaluate talent and will continue to drive them further into cap hell. And then there's the Favre thing, which has the Jets fucked eight ways til Sunday. If he stays they're stuck with a washed up 40-year-old QB, and if he leaves they're stuck with Kellen Clemens or some other sucker. PLEASE Spagnuolo - don't go coach these guys. Your career may never recover.

So yeah, last Sunday was one of the greatest days of football you'll ever see. In some ways it may even be better than the wildcard round, although I'm hoping this weekend's games will exceed my expectations. Keith and I are going to do picks, but we've agreed that we're only picking winners because point spreads are meaningless in the playoffs.

(For the record, Keith corrected me on my season totals last week. I was missing a week, which I'll try to track down when I get a chance. What I am sure of is that last week I went 10-6 and Keith went 11-5, so he gained a game. Depending on if he beat me in that missing week, plus the playoffs, he still may have a chance to win the Great Donovan's Burger Bet. I really should figure this out.)


Falcons at Cardinals

Arizona is a terrible playoff team. They can throw it, but they can't do anything else. This won't be a cakewalk for Atlanta because Arizona will put up points on their suspect defense, but Michael Turner will run the ball down their throats and control the clock.

Pick: Falcons


Colts at Chargers

These teams always play close games, and while San Diego is on a hot streak, no one is hotter than Indianapolis. I don't know how they do it, but Indy keeps finding ways to eek out W's, and I think they'll do it again this week.

Pick: Colts


Ravens at Dolphins

The Ravens D gets all the pub, and deservedly so, but the Dolphins D isn't too shabby either. What's lost in all the hoopla about how physical the Ravens are is that they really don't run the ball all that well, and I think Miami will shut down their ground game and put the game on Flacco's shoulders. He's shown promise, but I don't like his chances on the road this week. Miami's remarkable Cinderella season continues for one more week.

Pick: Dolphins


Eagles at Vikings

I have a feeling that - like everyone else in the world - Keith will pick the Eagles in this game. He may even say - like everyone else in the world - a major factor is that Minnesota QB Tavaris Jackson sucks. If he doesn't say that, I apologize in advance. But if he does, I'll remind him he's also on the record privately as saying Tavaris has a higher QB rating than Eli Manning. I'm not quite sure what to make of that; does Keith actually think Tavaris is a better QB than Eli? That would be really funny. Either way, whatever reason Keith pulls out of his ass to justify his pick should be fun to read.

I'm going out on a limb and taking Minnesota in this game because I don't trust the Eagles. The conventional wisdom is that Philly is a major threat to make the Super Bowl, except that they're wildly inconsistent, which makes them overrated. They shot their load against Dallas last week and will be overconfident with everyone expecting them to roll through Minnesota. Purple Jesus will run roughshod, Tavaris will make a spectacular play with his legs, the Vikes D will cause a couple of turnovers, Philly won't be able to convert most third and short situations, and Andy Reid will do something questionable to cost his team points. It'll be close, but Minnesota will ride the emotion of their home crowd to victory.

Pick: Vikings


Like I wrote last week, I will finally be enjoying the playoffs on my brand new HDTV. Sweet. I feel like I'm watching TV in the future. Keith has mentioned that he doesn't watch much standard TV anymore because he's spoiled by HD, and after a week I can totally see his point. Everything looks better, but sports are where it really shines. That whole "you feel like you're there" cliche is actually true, and I've found myself watching more shitty college football games than I normally would just because it looks so damned good. Thank god I upgraded in time for the NFL playoffs. Maybe we'll upgrade this site too just in time for Round 2.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Hernandez Week 17 Picks

Can this really be the end? Holy fucking christ on a cupcake! The NFL regular season ends Sunday, and for the life of me I can't figure out why *this* day isn't called Black Sunday. It really is painful. No more Thursday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday night games, no more watching for the scores and highlights of up to 13 games from 1pm to 7:30pm every Sunday, no more beating on Keith in our picks. This sucks.

Speaking of which, Keith went 5-11 with his picks last week, and I went 10-6. Going into the final week Keith's season total is 106-118, and mine is 120-104. He'd pretty much have to run the table from here through the Pro Bowl to win, but stranger things have happened. Not much stranger, granted, but I like to think of myself as an optimist.

Oh, and if you're wondering about the IKH field trip to the Giants/Panthers showdown last Sunday, it was beyond fantastic. A game so great it deserves its own post, which we will definitely write. And because we love you all so much, thanks to my compadre, that post will have photos too! You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll stuff your face.

Enough foreplay - let's get to the final regular season picks. (We're doing playoff picks too, because I say so.) Since the season is wrapping up, I thought it'd be fun to go back and see what I wrote about each team before Week 1. So let's take a trip in the ole wayback machine...


VIKINGS (6.5) vs Giants

Week 1 Giants: "Will roll to a second straight Super Bowl title."


Week 1 Vikings: "I'm not sold on the Vikes. Tavaris Jackson is a complete enigma, and Adrian Peterson is being crowned waaay too soon. He's based his whole reputation on like 5 good games last year. The rest of the time he was either average or injured. Can't explain why I don't like him - I just don't."

Right on Tavaris, wrong on Purple Jesus. But the Giants will stuff him on Sunday and win the game anyway. Sure, Minny needs it more, but they couldn't beat Atlanta at home last week, and the Giants have a whole bunch of depth that will make up for their missing starters.

Pick: Giants

Underrated Giant of the Week: Kevin Boss. Can't believe I haven't picked him yet. He's got great hands, runs good routes, has more speed and athleticism than people realize, and has quietly developed into a steady blocker. Maybe most importantly, he's NOT Jeremy Shockey. If he keeps this up he won't be underrated much longer.


JETS (2.5) vs Dolphins

Week 1 Jets: "Favre will make the Jets better, but only by a little. NY spent a buttload of cash on old and washed up players (Faneca, Woody, Jenkins) and another guy who has never proven anything in the league (Calvin Pace.) Their top pick, Vernon Gohlston, is an athletic freak who doesn't know how to play football."

I rest my case.

Week 1 Dolphins: "I see them as being a semi-sleeper this year. Not sleeper playoff caliber, but sleeper 8-8."

Correct again, although they're even better than I predicted. Oh, and they'll kick New York's ass this weekend to the tune of 31-17. The Jets despise Manboobs, and Favre has already quit. I fucking love it.

Pick: Dolphins


BUCCANEERS (12.5) vs Raiders

I didn't say much about either of these teams in Week 1 other than that I hate them both. Still do.

Pick: Raiders


PACKERS (10.5) vs Lions

Week 1 Packers: "Green Bay will survive the exodus of St. Brett because the rest of the team is better than people think. I'm actually rooting for Aaron Rodgers just to spite all of the Favre ass kissing."

Way off on this one. They survived losing Favre, but the rest of the team is definitely not better than people think, especially Ryan "Giants 5th String RB" Grant. And while Aaron Rodgers actually does have good stats, he throws at least one absolutely killer pick per game.

C'mon Lions! I still believe.

Pick: Lions


EAGLES (1.5) vs Cowboys

Week 1 Eagles: "The Eagles are the most overrated team in football."

Half-right. They're definitely among the most overrated teams.

I didn't say anything about Dallas in Week 1 because I hate them so much none of it would be rational. I'll stick with that this week. But I have to say this game is utterly fascinating on so many levels that it's nearly impossible to pick. And it would've been even that much greater if the Eagles didn't choke against the Redskins last week. Stupid cunts.

Pick: Eagles


TEXANS (2.5) vs Bears

Week 1 Texans: "Texans could be improved. I like Schaub (if he stays healthy) and their receivers, and Mario Williams is the real deal."

The Texans started off horribly, but the last few weeks have made this prediction look better than I thought.

Week 1 Bears: "Do I have to say anything other than Kyle Orton?"

Orton started off great, but the last few weeks have made this prediction look better than I thought.

Pick: Texans


Panthers (2.5) vs SAINTS

Week 1 Panthers: "I love Jake the Snake."

Still do.

Week 1 Saints: "New Orleans' O is going to be good. Hope you tear an ACL Shockey."

Duh, and not quite, although the Shocker was hurt a ton this year as always.

Pick: Panthers


FALCONS (14.5) vs Rams

I thought both these teams would suck. I'm man enough to admit I'm wrong about the Falcons, but pussy enough to say so was everyone else. Their own GM thought they'd blow too, so stuff it.

Pick: Rams (to cover only)


BENGALS (2.5) vs Chiefs

Week 1 Bengals: "Speaking of soft, meet the Cincinnati Bengals. For a team of world class criminals and scumbags, you'd think they would play tougher. I guess they save it for their women. They'll disappoint again this year."

I'm not even going to take credit for this. I just thought it was funny.

Week 1 Chiefs: "Chiefs will suck again."

Am I a supergenius or what?

Pick: Chiefs


RAVENS (11.5) vs Jaguars

Week 1 Ravens: "Every year I expect the Ravens to slip, and they have to a degree, but that D is always tough."

Unbelievable. Just call me Captain Obvious.

Week 1 Jaguars: "The Jags are for real."

Yes. If by "for real" you mean "folded like a cheap suit and quit on their coach when they were faced with adversity," sure, the Jags were for real.

Pick: Ravens


Titans (2.5) vs COLTS

Week 1 Titans: "Titans are a solid, physical team."

OK, I didn't make any grand predictions for them, but are they not a solid, physical team? I'd say so. I'm going to pretend I predicted they'd be great this year. Just try to stop me.

Pick: Titans


STEELERS (10.5) vs Browns

Week 1 Steelers: "Pittsburgh's offensive line isn't what it once was, and Big Ben is bound to get hurt again. Seems like they were doing it with smoke and mirrors last season. Call it a hunch, but I see them tailing off a bit this year."

The hunch was wrong, but I don't see them going far in the playoffs for just the reasons I wrote above.

Pick: Browns


Patriots (5.5) vs BILLS

Week 1 Patriots: "The Giants shattered their cloak of invincibility, and New England has a terrible secondary. The Pats will win their division again, but they're going to have to win a lot of shootouts to get there."

This whole thing goes out the window because of the Brady injury. But their secondary is still terrible, and they still might win their division, so I kind of rule.

Week 1 Bills: "Bills are going to sneak up on people like OJ surprised Ron and Nicole."

So true. They DID sneak up on people who trusted them and slashed their throats. Namely Keith and myself.

Pick: Patriots


CARDINALS (5.5) vs Seahawks

Week 1 Cardinals: "Arizona has talent, but they'll do something to fuck things up before it's all said and done."

You've gotta give me that one, right?

Week 1 Seahawks: "I hate everything about those frontrunning, glass-jawed Seahawks. Can't win on the road, and they play in the worst division in football. Also, Matt Hasselbeck's sister-in-law is The View's Elizabeth Hasselbeck, whose company I had the distinct displeasure of being in a few days ago. Whereas in the past she was just some idiot TV conservative who I mostly ignored (but wouldn't mind fucking), now she may be my most hated person on the planet (who I'd definitely still fuck.)"

Check and mate. And while we're at it, my feelings about Elizabeth Hasselbeck haven't changed.

Pick: Seahawks


49ERS (2.5) vs Redskins

Week 1 Redskins: "Hard as it is to believe, Washington was actually a playoff team last year. How did that happen? I have no idea. This team sucks, the QB sucks, and with a new head coach and offensive system, they will be even worse this year. Jason Taylor should be an upgrade over the dead Sean Taylor, but not by much."

Finishing strong.

Pick: 49ers


CHARGERS (8.5) vs Broncos

Week 1 Broncos: "Denver is another team I have an irrational hatred of. I hate Jay Cutler and Mike "The Most Overrated Coach in the NFL" Shanahan."

Week 1 Chargers: "LaDanian Tomlinson will come back to earth this year, Philip Rivers is a cunt, and Steroid Boy Shawn Merriman is hurt."

It's nice to see some things haven't changed.

Pick: Broncos


Enjoy the games this weekend. I'll do the same on my brand new HDTV. America, fuck yeah!

Thursday, December 25, 2008


I will definitely watch Celtics/Lakers today. Thank jeebus for the NBA, otherwise we'd have nothing to distract us from our boring families on Christmas. Unless you count college football, and anyone who reads this site regularly knows I don't.

Unfortunately there wasn't any NBA on Christmas Eve, just Notre Dame/Hawaii in the - get ready for it - Hawaii Bowl. Yawn. To get my sports fix I resorted to DVRing two ESPN Classic games: "The Fumble" and "The Tuck Game." So fucking awesome. I watched both of these games live when they happened, and I have to say that watching them again really drove home how much mythology and conventional wisdom can affect your memory of sports.

To the uninitiated, the 1987 AFC Championship Game between Cleveland and Denver ended when Cleveland running back Ernest Byner fumbled on his way into the endzone for what would've been the game-winning touchdown. Byner is an all-time goat in the Cleve because of that play, and until yesterday I would've sworn he just dropped the ball without being touched by a defender. But no siree. The DB actually made a great play, punching the ball out as he was tackling Byner. Like I said, I distinctly remember watching this game, and "The Fumble" has taken on the stench of a legendary fuckup, so imagine my surprise when I realized 21 years later that what I thought had happened really didn't. I feel betrayed. By whom? Myself, I guess. And every bitter Cleveland fan who ever brings it up. Get over it already pussies.

Anyway, after seeing the game all over again yesterday, I'm giving Ernest Byner a Christmas pardon. You're off my shit list forever. Although I suspect Cleveland fans won't be as forgiving, probably because the memories of that game make it too painful to watch again with an open mind. I guess I can understand, because "The Fumble" came just a year after "The Drive," when Denver QB John "Horseface" Elway beat Cleveland with a last-minute 98 yard TD drive. Oooof! Any time your team winds up on the wrong end of one of those sports moments that are so historic they can be referred to with two words - The Fumble, The Drive, etc. - you're in bad shape. So despite calling them pussies in the previous graph, I guess I have to applaud the resolve of Browns fans, because if my team had its season end in heartbreaking fashion two straight years to the same team, I would've killed someone or myself.

"The Tuck Game" was a classic too, although my memory of that one isn't as skewed as it was for "The Fumble." For instance, even though I hate the Raiders with a passion, I thought at the time (and still do) that the ref's call was horrible and the Patriots should've lost. A fumble is a fumble is a fumble. But one aspect of the game that stood out this time around is how much better the Raiders were than that Patriots team, especially on offense. Brady's top receiver was David Patten, and their top running back was literally some guy I've never heard of. Oakland outplayed New England, but the blizzard evened the field and kept it closer than it should've been. I remember the two teams being even, but honestly, New England was lucky they weren't blown out.

The other overriding point of this post is that ESPN Classic really needs to stop showing poker and American Gladiators 24/7 and get back to doing what it's intended to do: show historic sporting events we haven't seen in years. Seriously, these things are great. The two specials I watched yesterday were each 90 minutes and included almost every play of the entire game - even incompletions and meaningless runs - with the downtime edited out. It was interspersed with updated commentary from players and coaches from both sides that really shed light on what had happened in the game. I need more of this please. I'll suck your dick Santa!

I'm not sure if any of this interests anyone except me, but I needed something to do while my son ignores me because he's more interested in the toys I got for him for Christmas than he is in hanging out with his old man. Also, I really want IKH to reach 100 posts by New Year's so we can launch the new version of the site. So expect a few more of these rambling musings in the next week or so. And if you're all good little boys and girls, I'll keep it up in 2009.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Hernandez Week 16 Picks

I've got nothing this week. Ain't that a bitch? I'm not down on sports. On the contrary, sports is an amazingly welcome respite from a busy work schedule and another rote Christmas season. It's just that I don't have the energy to write much this week. But I suppose I'll do it anyway because I love you all, because God would want me to if he actually existed, and because as a married man I'm used to faking it.

Keith went 7-9 last week while I went 9-7.

We're going to Giants/Panthers on Sunday night, come snow, sleet, rain, hail, hell, high water or any combination of the above. It will be glorious.



Colts (6.5) vs JAGUARS

I imagine that Peyton vs. Eli Super Bowl is going to be real annoying for the rest of the country, no?

The Jags were up for a good long while in this game, but then Peyton just turned on the jets. Shit, he was so hot he probably turned on the Jets.

Pick: Colts - I won this one already and Keith didn't.

Keith: Shows you how much Hernandez knows. Peyton brushed up against an NFL record in the first half by completing his first 16 passes. He was consistently great during this game. No, the Colts covered by a measly half a point because the Jaguars' offense hit the stinkhole in the second half.


COWBOYS (4.5) vs Ravens

This is probably a reach, but I just don't think the Cowboys can handle success.

(Damn NFL Network exclusive! Hopefully there will be a satellite TV at the party Saturday.)

Pick: Ravens

Keith picks the Cowboys. Should be a good game, but never pick a rookie QB on the road in a game with this much magnitude.

GIANTS (2.5) vs Panthers

The Mother of All NFC Matchups this year. I think the Giants REALLY want this one, and when that happens, look out. Also, let's not underestimate the power of motivation. They've thrived off the "nobody believes in us/we get no respect" stuff, and it's all cropped up again these last two weeks after a season of sloppy blowjobs from the media. The countless columns claiming they're done or they've peaked too early only prove to me - and undoubtedly the Giants - that people really DIDN'T believe in them, but their record was so good everyone had to pretend that they did. All I know is a lot of people sure were quick to jump off that bandwagon. That's about the only kind of pussy I don't like.

Pick: Giants

Underrated Giant of the Week: All of them.

Keith's pick: Giants. I spent $75 on thermals, turtlenecks and wool socks today at Modell's. There's no fricking way in hell that Hernandez and I are going to sit in Giants Stadium and witness a loss. Not a tuna's chance in Whoreville.

Jets (4.5) vs SEAHAWKS

I fear that the Jets dodged their bullet last week and they'll defy expectations this week by winning for the first time all year out West. Did I really just type that?

Pick: Seahawks

Uh, I pick the Seahawks too. About time for Hernandez to put down 'Flowers for Algernon' and edit his post, bc it damn sure looks like he's picking the Jets.

Keith's pick: Seahawks


Steelers (1.5) vs TITANS

The Steelers have been incredibly lucky, and they're so due for a letdown.

Pick: Titans

Not a chance. The Steelers are the best team in the AFC right now, and they're playing for the #1 seed. The Titans, I'm afraid, have ejaculated prematurely.

Keith's pick: Steelers

Dolphins (3.5) vs CHIEFS

Dolphins need it more.

Pick: Dolphins

Great analysis!

Keith's pick: Chiefs

PATRIOTS (7.5) vs Cardinals


Pick: Patriots

Better analysis! But as it turns out, Hernandez is actually right on this one. The Cardinals are guaranteed the playoffs, where the Patriots are still fighting.

Keith's pick: Patriots

BROWNS (2.5) vs Bengals

Awwwww, do I HAVE to?

Pick: Bengals

I wish we didn't have to. Betting on this game is as dumb as playing the slots or the lotto. That's why they call it the poor tax.

Keith's pick: Bengals

BUCCANEERS (3.5) vs Chargers

See Miami and New England.

Pick: Buccaneers

Again, terrible analysis. The Chargers are hanging by a turf-toenail of a limb and need a win. Both teams need it equally. The Bucs will win, but not because they need it more.

Keith's pick: Buccaneers

Eagles (4.5) vs REDSKINS

Not so sure I believe in this Eagles resurgence, but they'll take this one. They need it more than Washington, who are hurt and in the process of tuning out their rookie head coach. Not a good combination.

Pick: Eagles

Yep. Pick: Eagles.

49ers (4.5) vs RAMS

This spread is way too low.

Pick: 49ers

Keith twirls his mustache, and realizes that he'll be able to turn Hernandez into a gambling junkie after all.

Pick: 49ers

VIKINGS (3.5) vs Falcons

Vikings are another team I don't believe in. I'm sick of hearing how great these two Williams guys are in the middle of the D line. They're just fat fucks.

Pick: Falcons - they may not win, but I'll take a cover.

Cool! Keith misinterpreted this one too. Again, a rookie quarterback on the road against a good pass rush in Week 16 is going to lose.

Keith's pick: Vikings


Saints (6.5) vs LIONS

I'm rooting really, really hard for Detroit because despite all the jokes I make, I don't think a real team with a real history in a real city with real fans deserves to go 0-16. That shit should be reserved for the Tampa's and Houston's of the world.

Pick: Lions

100% agree. Picking the Lions too. And I think they're going to win.

BRONCOS (5.5) vs Bills

Coin flip.

Pick: Broncos

If the Chargers lose at 1pm (and they should), the Broncos clinch and don't have to try. Meanwhile the Bills have Trent Edwards back, and have given NFL gamblers the equivalent of genital herpes this year. They'll settle all bets.

Keith's pick: Bills

Texans (6.5) vs RAIDERS

Going into the season I thought the Texans had a chance to be decent, so I picked them a bunch of times early and they burned me. Now I stop picking them and those motherless cocksuckers go on a roll. That's what you get when you put your trust into anything from that cesspool Houston. And just for that, I ain't picking them again even though I know they'll cover this spread. It's win-win; If they cover I can still feel good about standing up for my longstanding anti-Texas principles, and if they lose I win the pick. Bonus!

Pick: Raiders

Ah, sweet! Hernandez is off his meds!

Pick: Texans (the easiest pick of the week)

BEARS (4.5) vs Packers

See Miami, New England and Tampa.

Pick: Bears

It's worth mentioning that this year's Packers team is one of the worst underachieving teams of all time. A close third behind the 2007 Mets and the 2008 Mets.

Keith's pick: Bears

This is not the greatest post in the world. This is just a tribute.

Monday, December 15, 2008


Well, that sucked! An epic Sunday of football was ruined completely when the Giants dropped a 20-8 cockpunch to the hated Cowboys last night in Dallas. I shouldn't have to tell you that, but we have a regular reader who doesn't follow sports and I figured he should know what we're on about. But no more hints from here on in. You know who you are.

The Jets started the day off by being the Jets. Only problem is, the Bills decided to be the Bills, and they gifted the losers in puke-green a win they absolutely didn't deserve. The Jets are one pussy hair away from having a three-game losing streak, on their way to a Mets-like collapse, as I mentioned in my picks this week. But Buffalo deprived us of that. Fuckers. Watching the NYC media tear apart Manboobs and St. Favre would've been glorious.

But there's still time for the Jets to blow it all, so I'll root hard for that. I've been saying all along that they suck, and I wasn't swayed by the run they went on at midseason. They're inconsistent, horribly coached, and their schedule is a complete joke. Sure, they beat the Pats in New England, but only after blowing a huge lead. They should've lost that one, along with the opener in Miami, and of course yesterday. Only they didn't lose any of them and now they may win their division. Incredible. Welcome to being an NFL fan, where life just ain't fair sometimes.

They can tell you a little something about that in Baltimore today. Did the Ravens get jobbed? Probably. Personally, I think the ball crossed the plane of the goal line. But I'm not so sure Holmes' feet were down when it did. Either way, there wasn't indisputable evidence to overturn the call. So what do the refs do? They overturn the call and hand Pittsburgh the division title, a first round bye, and possibly home field advantage throughout the playoffs. Fucking amazing.

This season is now bookended by the Hochuli call and this call. Not good for the league. And I despise San Diego, but did anyone else notice that if it weren't for Hochuli, the Broncos and Chargers would both be 7-7 right now? I'm just saying.

After two thrilling, down-to-the-wire afternoon games, the Giants had to go fuck it up in primetime. It's not so much the loss as it is HOW they lost. Eight sacks is embarrassing. I don't care if McKenzie and Seubert were hurt. Diehl wasn't hurt, but he got abused on the very first play of the game and a whole bunch of times after that. Very disheartening.

Still, it was a game late into the second half, which is encouraging as a Giants fan considering how awful they played. What's weird is that the game stats aren't as lopsided as you'd think. The teams had the exact same number of first downs, and similar third down numbers. The Giants averaged 4.2 yards per rush, while the Cowboys averaged 4.8, and that was padded by Choice's long TD to ice the game. New York also had a slight lead in time of possession, and won the penalty battle by a big margin. (Dallas had 11 for 108 yards!)

So what happened? Bad coaching, for one thing. Kevin Gilbride abandoned the run way too soon. It seemed like Eli dropped back to pass the entire second half, even though the Giants obviously couldn't contain Dallas' pass rush. They should've run more, and when they passed they needed to throw more screens, quick hitches and slants. They did none of those things. Everything was a five-step drop trying to go down the field. In short, they got greedy.

The normally infallible Steve Spagnuolo also got greedy with the blitz. While I'll admit the pressure they put on Homo was fun to watch - and I really did think he was one more hit away from being knocked out of the game - they actually got burned on it in the end.

So that sets up a pretty crucial Week 16 contest between the Giants and Panthers. Personally, my panties aren't as bunched as I suspect Keith's are. Last week he emailed me privately to say if the Giants beat Dallas it meant they would win it all, but if they lost they won't make the Super Bowl. I love ya bro, but that's fucking absurd. THIS week is the game that really matters. Beating Dallas would've been the cherry on top, but it wasn't really necessary. The Giants want that No. 1 seed, or at least the No. 2 and a bye, and they can lock it up with a win at home.

More importantly, they just need to get back to playing good football. There is nothing in their track record to suggest they won't, or can't, do just that. Even after these two losses I still think they're the deepest, most balanced and best coached team in the league. That doesn't guarantee a Super Bowl repeat, but I'll still take my chances with these guys.

The best thing about Sunday night's game - the biggest game of the year in the NFC - is that Keith and I will be there in person, freezing our asses off to see it all happen. We rule.