Monday, June 30, 2008

What'd I Miss?

Keith is celebrating a birthday today, and our beloved Cardinals and Mets start a four-game series in St. Louis tonight. Coincidence? Totally.

In lieu of a more original topic to post about, I'll just give my thoughts on everything I've missed in the Wide World of Sports since I last contributed two weeks ago. (Where was I? You don't need to know. Just be happy I'm back.)

Willie Randolph Fired: It happens to even the best of managers. Willie was not one of the best. You do the math. Maybe 3am in the hotel is a little callous, but I'm with Keith on this one - there was definitely some fucking involved.

Celtics Win Title: Glad Kobe and his gutless sidekicks didn't win, but hate the C's, so probably a wash. The fact that L.A. rolled over in Game 6 and took it up the pooper like the girl Kobe raped in Colorado only added to the frustration. And Keith had it right again when he said KG's victory speech sounded forced. I'll add phony, staged and insincere to that characterization. I've never been a KG guy, and the interview with Michelle Tafoya only solidifies my feelings. Glad you finally got a ring because you were lucky enough to play with a real superstar, douche! It makes me angry that he's going to be a Hall of Famer.

NBA Draft: Two white guys went in the top 6. Not a good omen for a Knicks fan like myself, since one (or maybe both) of Gallinari and Love won't pan out. But my dad doesn't really consider Italians white, so maybe there's hope for us yet.

Shaq-Fu: His freestyle rap was the greatest sports moment of 2008 after the Giants winning the Super Bowl. "Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes" is the stuff of legend. It will be remembered for years to come. My favorite part - and something that didn't get as much ink - was when he called out Kobe for talking about Shaq fucking around on his wife:

"I'm a horse. Kobe ratted me out, that's why I'm getting
He said Shaq gave a bitch a mil. I don't do that cuz my
name's Shaquille. I love 'em, but don't leave 'em. I got a vasectomy, now I can't breed 'em."

This story is 100% true, so there's yet another reason to hate Kobe. He destroys teammates, coaches, hotel workers, and now marriages. Snitches get stitches, bitch. (I could go on all day about this. Another great line was, "That's like Patrick Ewing having more rings than me." Remember, Shaq performed this rap in a NYC club. Cojones!)

Spain Wins Euro 08: Yay, the filthy Spaniards didn't choke this time! I believe Keith called this, or maybe he had Portugal. Same difference. Anyway, fantastic tournament. Extremely competitive, action-packed, well paced schedule to keep momentum going, a handful of incredible matches, and totally hot fans. Couldn't ask for more.

Shawn Chacon Goes Off: Awful, unforgivable and a horrible example to kids. Also, awesome! More players should do this to coaches and general managers, cuz it's hella fun to talk about. BTW, is Chacon white, black or Hispanic? I've never been able to tell.

Strahan Retires: This is serious. No jokes. Strahan is the second best Giant of all time behind LT, and the best defensive lineman of his generation. He was arguably the best defensive PLAYER of his generation. Even though he's a media favorite playing in New York, I still don't think he ever got the credit he deserved. (I believe Favre's fake sack to set the single-season record hurt him in this regard.) The key is he was equally dominant against the pass AND the run - something pricks like Simeon Rice and John Randall could never quite grasp. And he kept it up right until the end. Amazing competitor. In my opinion the recent d-line lineage goes from Reggie White to Bruce Smith to Michael Strahan. No one else is even close.

NHL Free Agency: I know Keith is eagerly anticipating talking about this, but it'll have to wait until later this week. Sorry bro! Just be warned that if the Rangers lose either or both of Jagr and Avery I'm burning this whole town down.

Wimbledon: Apart from the serious snatch in the women's bracket, Federer/Nadal is the only thing in tennis worth watching. Since that hasn't happened yet I haven't bothered with it.

Simmons' Sendoff To Leitch: I can't find the link, but you should get off your lazy ass and find it on Deadspin.

Subway Series: I was at Shea on Saturday afternoon, and I've come to the conclusion that black people not only do not play baseball anymore, they don't actually LIKE baseball either. Crowd was 85% white and 15% Latino (although how many of them were actually friends and relatives of Mets players is undetermined.) Strange. I felt like I was watching a game in St. Louis or something. Except we booed both teams. Take that Midwest faggots! As for the game, it was staggeringly boring. I'm proud to say I left during a sixth-inning rain delay.

The timing for this blog is all wrong, because we're in the worst part of the year sportswise. All we really have is baseball right now, along with the occasional World Cup qualifier and the MLS. I'm dying. Pre-season football cannot get here fast enough.

Friday, June 27, 2008


Looks like Willie Randolph already has his next job lined up.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Where's Hernandez? (Part 2)

More bez-bol:

Pitcher Shawn Chacon, current Astro who pitched for the Yankees not 24 moons ago strangled his General Manager and threw him to the floor. Who said Communism was dead?

Oh, and for fun: baseball, as we know, is not taken so seriously by the Europeans. Read the same release per Reuters UK. And then right after the baseball part, read the shooting part in the voice of John Cleese, please. Report back on your results.

(Hernandez, I hope your daughter recognizes what a talent I am.)

Where's Hernandez? (Part 1)

Ok, so much is happening, and I was hoping Hernandez would crawl out from the eternal diaper and speak about some of it. Instead, I'll have to invoke his presence, sucking it out of the ether like the devil inside fish.

In Bez-bol:

The Mets "fired" Willie Randolph in a hotel room at 3:15 in the morning by General Manager Omar Minaya. Riiiiight. Omar came to Willie's hotel room at 3 in the morning to talk about work? I don't think so.

Here's how the conversation went.*

Willie: that a feather duster?
Omar: Sweep for me, Oprah!
Willie: (mutters) Quit touchin' me, old man, I ain't that kind of...
Omar: Beg for your supper!
Willie: WTF? Get off me, motherfucker!
Omar: (pants)
Willie: Fuck man, I quit! I quit.
Omar: (stops panting)
Willie: (pants still off)
Omar: well..
Willie: Well what?!?
Omar: don't look at me--oh god--i told myself I wasn't gonna do this---
Willie: Omar...
Omar: no no no don't stop me, I deserve it....
Willie: listen, listen listen. no don't pick at that, it'll just bleed again! listen, man.
Omar: no no don't understand...
Willie: understand what?
Omar: I get to fire you.
Willie: (pants on)
Omar: I get to fire you!
Willie: What...
Omar: Fired! Fired fired fired! Fi-red! Red fi!
Willie: Shit...
Omar: (pants)
Willie: Do I get unemployment?

Or something like that...

*The surveillance van smells like Hernandez + cat piss.




Center Martin Straka of the New York Rangers decided he was headed back to his Czech homeland. And in the NBA draft, the Knicks selected Italian forward Danilo Gallinari.

Girls, this is a GREAT trade.



Sunday, June 22, 2008

this past week in sports

For the last two months all I've been watching are basketball playoffs and the Euro 2008 soccer tournament. As has been discussed, I'm extremely happy to see Paul Pierce (and now, to a lesser extent, Kevin Garnett) finally win a ring. Garnett didn't show up in the final round vs. the Lakers until Game 6, so at least he avoids a legacy as a complete choke artist, but he made up for it with his completely unintelligible postgame interview with Michelle Tafoya, where he broke into this caterwauling Native-American mushmouthed tongue. You could see Michelle Tafoya's life flashing before her eyes as she asks inane question after question when all Kevin Garnett's eyes are saying are "Hulk SMASH! So Sad, Now Happy! Want Sex!" Sure enough, he returns to English briefly to compliment Tafoya on how nice she looks.

Paul Pierce's moment was much more genuine. I say the city of Boston gives him free rein this summer to go around stabbing whoever he likes. He's a hero.

Nevertheless, those damn things take forever. The Celtics played their first playoff game on April 20th, and their 27th and final on June 17th. Jesus Beezus. It's like watching a marathon, but no one's allowed to run, only sashay. At least in Stephen King's short story "The Long Walk" contestants get shot as they bow out. Unfortunately, in the NBA this only happens in the offseason.

Whereas the Euro 2008 soccer tournament has featured some great nail-biting matches, all in the span of a few weeks. This weekend saw four tight quarterfinal matches, three going to extra time and two ending in penalty kicks. There's so much to love about this game -- no commercials, no timeouts. You can watch with your significant other because soccer players have pretty hair and run around in shorts. And in the elimination rounds of tournament play, obviously there are no ties. Penalty kicks are gut-wrenching at the end of a match. And while you don't see it on the field, I'm pretty sure there are shootings. And when Turkey eventually loses, waterboarding.

So do yourself a favor and watch the semifinals this week and/or the Final on Sunday. Especially if Spain plays Germany in the final, because the Spanish are so frickin' tiny; in comparison to the Germans it will look truly bizarre. I wonder if the Oompa-Loompas were good at soccer. And now that I think about it, it's funny that I say "were" as if there used to be Oompa-Loompas but aren't anymore. Or they just quit playing soccer, and decided being slaves in a factory was a better gig.

Btw, when the f is someone gonna make the movie about 'Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator?, the superior Roald Dahl sequel to Chocolate Factory? If you're not dying to see the horrifying vision of Charlie's grandparents turn from seniors into babies in the matter of minutes, and then watch Charlie and Wonka go to Minusland to rescue Grandma Georgina, or see the creatures that frightened me as a child more than anything, the Vermicious Knids, the stoned kid in you is dead.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008


Poor little Tiger Woods is out for the rest of the PGA season because of knee surgery. We're supposed to believe he has a torn ACL in his knee, which he supposedly suffered last year, and not one, but TWO fractures to his tibia supposedly suffered last month. But somehow he managed to gut out a classic, nearly superhuman victory in the U.S. Open.

Bull fucking shit.

Do he and his corporate pimps really think we're that stupid? (Don't answer that.) You couldn't walk with those injuries, let alone play golf competently.

But I guess it's working because all I hear about is how sad it is he won't be able to compete again this year, and how amazing it was for him to have won a tournament while enduring such horrific pain. Gosh, he's almost as brave as the soldiers in the Middle East. Lawdy Miss Clawdy - Tiger's done gone and given me the vapors again!

This whole story is a cover for the fact that random steroid testing in golf goes into effect, when exactly? Let me look it up. Oh right, it's supposed to go into effect NEXT MONTH! How convenient that Tiger won't be around to take those tests. Wake up suckers. Your hero is a pathetic, lying juicer.

It's as plain as day. He has roid rage on the course, he still has acne, and while everyone loves to do body comparison shots of young, skinny Barry Bonds with old, juiced up Barry Bonds - with good reason - has anyone besides me noticed how huge Tiger is now compared to a few years ago? It's amazing how much bigger he's gotten. I'm sure he has shrunken testicles too, as evidenced by the fact that he pays a Swedish swimsuit model to be his beard. Overcompensating much?

So yeah, remember where you first heard this when the shitstorm finally rains down.

One last thing: Fake knee injury or not, what the fuck is so impressive about Tiger's win this week? He needed to pull a series of miracle shots out of his ass on the last day of the tournament, plus an extra 19 holes to put away a never-was like Rocco Mediate. Doesn't that make the win LESS impressive? Rocco is ranked No. 135 in the world, has never won a major, and at age 45 would have been the oldest U.S. Open champion ever. If that bucktoothed pillow biter can't beat a guy like that he needs to find a better dealer.

All Arnold Palmer ever needed to dominate was beer and cigarettes, both of which he consumed while he was on the course. What's Tiger's excuse?

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Celts Lakers Q3

There is no way the Lakers should lose this game. PJ Brown is out to play defense to start the 2nd half. After an incendiary 2nd quarter, Paul Pierce's first touch of the 2nd half is at the 3 point line, and he's standing on the baseline and gets called out-of-bounds.

The starting lineup of the Celtics is asleep, but the Lakers are undead. This is what happens when you sell your soul to play with Kobe.

And I'm still picking the Lakers in this game. Here we go...

10:43 p.m. - Kevin Garnett drives to the lane and Kobe draws an offensive foul. Am I dreaming? This can't be happening.

10:45. Okay, back to reality. Gasol, a Spaniard, the Lakers' floppy Muppet scores to tie it and refuses to play defense. That's understandable -- él no tenía ninguna siesta.

10:52. Kobe gets called for ANOTHER offensive foul. Obama doesn't have a chance, does he?

10:53. Mark Jackson just name-checked Bill Wennington as a guy who knocked down big jump shots. Bill Wennington is the Grimace of basketball. Yet a second later, the Lakers are back up by 7. Be careful how and when you invoke Wennington -- he is a riddle wrapped inside a sausage patty wrapped inside an enigma.

10:58. They just showed David Spade in the Lakers' crowd celebrity montage pretending to be a celebrity. Funniest David Spade moment since his bodyguard kicked his ass a few years ago.

11:04. Boston's Sam Cassell misses a wide-open 3. Sam Cassell is the ugliest player in the NBA. If NBA players were Smurfs, Cassell wouldn't be Ugly Smurf - he'd be a smurf made out of reject Smurfs processed through that Play-Doh factory toy, which, on second thought, was like a rendering plant for kids.

11:09. Even though this is the NBA finals, and these are supposed to be the 2 best teams in the league, there are only two guys on the floor I wish were on the Knicks next year -- Lamar Odom and James Posey.

And that's the end of the third quarter. Lakers up by 9, and Paul Pierce looks like me after climbing the stairs to my 4th floor walkup. Happy Father's Day everyone. 4th quarter probably isn't worth watching...


End of first quarter: Lakers 39, Celtics 22.

Ok, there's no conspiracy. The Celtics just didn't show up. They're confident they're going to win at home in Game 6. Big mistake -- Boston has terrible tacos. Everyone eats burritos and think they're the shit. Uh--I got news for you guys...

(I ended up going with Tex-Mex - three Guaco Locos, one with chipotle chicken, two with pork pipian. If you come within 50 feet of me tomorrow, you've been warned.)

9:40. Doc Rivers is interviewed. He sounded really proud of his team's 22 point effort in the 1st quarter, despite getting pantsed by the Lakers. I should really skip the rest of this game. But that would mean...wait, don't go! You can have some of my tacos! That's it, amigo. Te quiero.

9:44. Celtics within 15. And Luke Walton is the white Rick Fox. Only one person will get that.

9:47. Phil Jackson puts in Chris Mihm, who hasn't played in weeks. For the Celtics, this is like being picked last at kickball, right after the kid in the wheelchair (Chris Mihm) who's popular because half the varsity basketball team is banging his hot trashy older sister. Phil Jackson is a prick. Let's go Celtics.

9:51. YES!

I got my tacos! I'll be back...

9:56. Kevin Garnett got charged with a bullshit foul, and Coach Van Gundy has been drinking the kool-aid. There was NO contact. Garnett goes to the bench with his third foul.

But the Celtics are fighting back -- Tony Allen, Pierce from 3 -- YES! these tacos are delicious! The guacamole makes the interior corn tortilla a little soggy, but the contrast between the yellow corn and the exterior white corn, with the guacamole buffer--it's the stuff of angels. I wouldn't lie to you.

10:03 p.m. God damn Sam Cassell. He couldn't hit a shot if it was in a shot glass stuffed between his stepdaughter's tits. Absolutely worthless.*

10:08. *Since I wrote this, the Celtics are sucking and back down 9. Sam, I apologize. You're a good Christian. Can I offer your sexy stepdaughter a frosty root beer?

10:09. Apparently so--Ray Allen hits a 3-pointer for the Celtics. I'm frosting my mug.

10:14. Back to basketball. We have a game - both teams are attacking on each possession. God that sounds so kinky! Damn you, Cassell!

10:15. And Paul Pierce, my man-crush, delivers a 3 to bring the deficit to 3 points at the half. We have a game...


Enough deep thinking. It's NBA time.

I haven't watched the NBA finals in a decade, but this game is exciting. The Western Conference has dominated the Finals since before Woody replaced Coach on Cheers. And tonight, everything can change -- the Celtics can clinch at home tonight.

The Celtics have been Sumo at home, stuffing every team with man-tits and boredom. But there's no way the Celtics can win tonight. The NBA is fixed like a Bob Barker dog, and they can't afford to watch the Celtics win tonight--that would cost them ad revenue for the next two games. Let's see what happens!

9:01 p.m. We see the announcers. Mark Jackson wears a light gray suit, while Coach van Gundy and play-by-play Mike Breen wear dark suits. White dudes at a funeral, black dude at a wedding. I'm just saying. This series looks like it's going back to Honkytown.

9:03 p.m. We see Celtics coach Doc Rivers playing nice with perennial Lakers fan Jack Nicholson, followed closely by Larry King manhandling 12-year olds. The message is sent -- a Celtics win tonight = molestation.

9:07 p.m. Opening tip.

9:09. Celtics down 5-0. My prediction? They'll never lead in this game. I want tacos anyway.

9:13. Here are my taco options. I can go real mexican - but the place I love closes at 8. There's usually a truck open until the late morning hours a few blocks away, but they're not reliable.

My tex-mex option: San Loco makes a tex mex taco, smothers the outside with guacamole and wraps it in a soft-taco shell. They're open late. Pricier, and am I really that hungry? Lakers 10-4.

9:15. Rajon Rondo misses his 2nd free throw. Mike Breen says 'in 'n' out' and damn, maybe I want a burger! I wish I was in LA right now.

I've never had an in 'n' out burger. Is it worth the airfare?

9:17. Lakers 18-5. This shit is according to script. M. Night Shyamalin is not amused.

9:23. Kobe Bryant is on fire. Sadly, this is a figurative statement. But Ray Allen hits a 3! This guy is a freak. I keep waiting for him to burst into ashes, rise like a phoenix and hand out Scientology brochures.

9:26. IKH pariah PJ Brown can't finish a layup. A closeup reveals he can't finish shaving either. He's worthless, and probably the father of my child.

9:27. Lakers 31, Celtics 15. I'm going hunting for food...

US Open

Golf is an old man's game. On the masculinity scale, it ranks between bridge and writing letters to the editor of Readers Digest.

But Tiger Woods just sank a putt on the 18th green of the US open to force a sudden-death playoff. That sounds like Mary Poppins entertainment, but the amazing thing about Tiger is that he doesn't enjoy the game of golf. He only likes to win.

And the cool thing about golf sudden death is that it takes *hours*. He's a golf Stalin.

soccer = politics

I speak for Hernandez when I say that we wish are friends weren't douchebags, aka, non-sports followers. This has been one of the most thrilling sports weeks since the Giants Super Bowl victory. It gets tiring saying, but soccer is the most popular sport in the world by a ridiculous margin, and the Euro 2008 cup is the 2nd most contentious tournament (to the World Cup). National pride is so much stronger during soccer matches than it is during any other sport because it's the great equalizer. USA media would have us believe it's the Olympics, but quite honestly, no one outside of Romania gives a shit about gymnastics.

When Germany played Poland earlier this week, emotions ran ridiculously high. 140 people were arrested. And it doesn't warrent saying why--we all know why.

This week, Tim Russert died suddenly of a heart attack. He was a nationally respected journalist, one of a kind. His loss is an utter tragedy.

Now you know what other nations feel like when they lose at soccer.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

The Top 10 Fights in Professional Sports (Vol 2.)

This may be the best topic for a post yet, but it's lessened because it's hard to find video of these fights. Copyright, schmopyright - gives us the goods you pricks! Who exactly is losing money off having this footage up on YouTube? It's not like any leagues are putting out fight compilation dvd's. I guess they're worried it paints their sport in a bad light, but fuck that noise. I'd be willing to bet there are more people who'd be inclined to watch a game after seeing some of these incidents than are turned off by them.

Anyway, here are a few picks. There are better ones for sure (Keith's are all fantastic), but I watched all of these except for No. 4 live, and I think they made a bigger impact on me because of it.

#7. Jeff Van Gundy humps Alonzo Mourning's leg

The second of the two Knicks/Heat brawls, this one in the 1998 playoffs, wasn't much of a fight (Grandmama and Zo attempted some kind of pussy, slapping routine that never got off the ground.) But this "fight" was notable for Van Gundy literally hanging off Mourning's leg like a little yappy dog after he fell down trying to break it up. Just one of the hundreds of reasons why I love Van Gundy.

#6. Ray Knight beats the shit out of Eric Davis

Man, I really wish there was video of this one! The dirtbag 1986 Mets were legendary for their on and off-field brawls. This was the best of the on-field ones. Davis slid hard into third and came up jawing with Knight. The two were nose to nose when Knight - a former Gold Gloves boxer - decked Davis with a perfect right cross. The melee that followed was classic. Players were actually fighting instead of just shoving. A group of Reds pitchers ganged up on Kevin Mitchell, easily the toughest guy on the field for either team, and he still managed to get his pound of flesh. That mofo is totally gangsta.

Indulge me a few interesting details about this game. Down 3-1 with two outs, nobody on in the top of the ninth, the Mets came back against then-Reds closer John Franco. The tying runs scored when Dave Parker dropped an easy pop fly hit by this blog's namesake. Pete Rose was Cincinnati's player/manager, and Davis was actually pinch running for him when the brawl started. Mets outfielder and huge cocksucker George Foster wrote his ticket out of town by being the only guy on either side to stay in the dugout during the fight. So many players were thrown out that Mets pitchers Roger McDowell and Jesse Orosco took turns alternating between the mound and the outfield; Howard Johnson was forced to play shortstop; and Gary Carter played third base for the first and only time in his career. HoJo won it with a three-run dinger in the 14th. What a game!

#5. Dan Cloutier beats the shit out of Tommy Salo

Hockey fights shouldn't be part of this list because they're their own separate category. And also because no one cares about hockey. But my last two picks are amusing as hell, so shut the fuck up. Cloutier is badass, and he owned that turtling pussy Salo.

#4. Mike Milbury beats a fan with his own shoe at MSG

This guy was and remains today one of the biggest pricks in sports, but you can't help but love this. It ties in nicely with Keith's pick of the Brawl at the Palace. Wait for it at the :30 second mark - No. 26 for the Bruins.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Celtics vs. Lakers, Game 4

I was going to live blog this game, but I expected the Lakers to spank the Celtics, so I deferred. But after going ahead by 24 points, the Lakers folded, and the Celtics pulled off one of the greatest comebacks of all time.

Kobe Bryant is the most talented player in the NBA, but he is a complete asshole, an alleged rapist, and a terrible teammate. Years ago he decided he'd be an incorrigible fuckwad, and after winning three championships with Shaq, he decided that he had the skills to pay the bills.

So it's my pleasure to announce: Kobe Bryant, you are everything wrong with competitive sports. You're a shitheel. You will never, ever, ever win a championship again.

For a day, all is right in the world.

The Top 10 Fights in Professional Sports (Vol 1.)

Professional athletes are mad crazy and dumb as hell. They pay publicists six figures to tell them to thank God, and they still can't pull it off. They're human beings drunk on adrenaline, and if they didn't punch each other I'd be suspicious.

So here's a list of my favorite all-time sports fights. I love the lists, but I gotta give Hernandez a chance to throw down, so I'll limit it to my top three.

#3. Ron Artest jumps into the crowd and punches a fan.

We all know psychopaths. They feed off adrenaline and forget to take their meds, and bad stuff/good entertainment happens. When some dude from Detroit decided that death-row All-Star Ron Artest needed a beer across the face, Ronny jumped into the crowd and beat the shit out of anyone within arm's length.

#2. Kermit Washington punches the shit out of Rudy Tomjanovich.

I couldn't find video of this 1970s clip, but with one punch a guy named after a Muppet frog *lands* a guy and ends his career.

#1. Nolan Ryan beats the shit out of Robin Ventura.

Baseball is a sport for pussies with beer bellies, as the story goes. But one day, Nolan Ryan threw his 100-mph fastball right at Stanford grad Robin Ventura, and Robin decided he was a real man, and ran out to the mound. Nolan Ryan put him in a headlock and beat the living shit out of him. God bless Nolan Ryan.

Still looking for video...

Stump the Schwab

'Stump the Schwab', for Hernandez's benefit, is another ESPN show where contestants face off against each other for a chance to beat Howie Schwab, who used to be (and maybe still is) a statistician for ESPN. To make matters worse, the show is hosted by Stuart Scott. Amidst the cheesy graphics and goofball features of SportsCenter, Stuart's Ladies Man shtick and 'cold side of the pillow' jokes are annoying, but on a trivia show it's downright painful.

The trivia itself is pretty good -- instead of typical questions and answers the contestants have to reel off answers to a list. In this clip, the contestants have to name all the current AFC coaches, and later, all the AL winners of the Rolaids relief award, and some woman golfers.

So basically, this fat insufferable prick who gets PAID to research statistics faces off against real sports fans who have real jobs and can only follow sports in their spare time. In some rounds he's actively involved, and others he just sits there and gives commentary and answers questions that contestants miss. But he does it in a way that is infuriatingly condescending. At least the contestants leave the show and get to have sex and lead normal lives. Schwab crawls back into his cave and wipes his tears off the cheek of his blow-up doll.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

The Other Football

Now that the first matches of round robin play at Euro 08 are in the books, I thought it might be time for a recap of what we've seen so far. (I'm pretending today's matches haven't taken place yet because I haven't watched them yet.)

As my compadre Keith already noted, my wife popped out yet another mouth to feed this weekend, so finding time to watch sports was a bit of a challenge for a while there. But a small thing like bringing a new life into the world will not - in fact, DID not - stand in the way of my own self-indulgent gratification, and I was able to squeeze in some teevee and beer time. Keith, probably intuitively realizing I would still attempt to watch sports in between hospital visits, wrote me privately on Sunday to help me out:

Btw, since you will probably have limited time, I will happily tell you which games in Euro Cup 2008 to skip.

Portugal/Turkey - Turkey is extremely overrated.

Croatia/Austria - one of the worst games I ever saw.

Germany/Poland--good first half.

Czech/Swiss was definitely the best of the weekend bunch.

I had actually seen Czech/Swiss and Portugal/Turkey by the time I got his email, but he helped save me time watching Croatia/Austria and Germany/Poland, and he was dead on about all of the matches to boot. So kudos, Keith! May the road rise to meet you, may the wind be always at your back, and may Albert Pujols' steroid use never be uncovered in a court of law.

Without further ado, here is a complete look back at the first Euro 08 fixtures as seen through the eyes of someone whose wife gave birth on the first day of the tournament, but who was still able to watch at least parts of all the matches through the magic of DVR (and a lot of fast forwarding.) In other words, it's authoritative.

  • Czech Republic/Switzerland: More competitive than I thought it'd be. Switzerland gave as good as it got, and was a goalpost away from tying it up near the end. The home crowd was fucking awesome. Still rooting for the Czech's though.

  • Portugal/Turkey: Keith's right about the Turks. They're full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Just another group of swarthy pseudo-Europeans who run around the pitch like gnats, diving, throwing hissy fits and behaving hysterically. Guys like this will haggle over everything, from yellow cards to the final score to the price of their sister's snatch. As for Portugal, Cristiano Ronaldo is a prancing faggot. And the parallels between he and A-Rod are scary. Possibly the best player in the world? Check. Narcissistic pretty boy? Double check. Fucks she-males? Check and mate.

  • Croatia/Austria: Keith nailed it.

  • Germany/Poland: Great crowd for this one. The Poles were in full effect. One of my favorite things about international soccer is the pre-game ceremony with the flags and the national anthems (although I can live without the holding the little boys' hands thing. It creeps me out.) The stadiums for this tournament are incredible too. Every single one is awesome. As for the match, I love watching Germany, but what has happened to that country that they have a guy named Mario Gomez on their squad? Mario Gomez! Is this Germany or Epcot Center? I don't think I want to live in a world where Germans allow a Hispanic to play for their national team.

  • Romania/France: Who knew Romania is ranked No. 14 in the world? Boring match.

  • Netherlands/Italy: NOW we're fucking talking! Best result of the whole tournament so far. My (other) boys put a curb stomping on the Azzuri. The goals were brilliant, especially because two of them came directly off counterattacks after the Italians came thisclose to putting it in the net. Hopefully Holland can keep this up. If not, they still have Dutch beer, great weed and smoking hot whores to salve their wounds. Life is good.

  • Spain/Russia: Obviously the Spaniards looked good, but I'm not sold on them yet. The U.S. National Team played them really close last week in Spain, and even though it was a friendly they played their entire starting lineup and their coach said they were looking to tune up for Euro 08. So we'll see about them. And why is Russia in this tournament? Aren't they Asian? The Russian mob must have strongarmed a whole lot of people to get their team in.

  • Sweden/Greece: Greece had its miracle run last time, and it ain't happening again. Plus, I always root for Sweden in everything. Good looking, friendly people, and it's primarily a hockey country, so they rule. So does Henrik Lundqvist. Fuck all the haters. That includes you Keith.

So there you have it - a completely thorough, non-biased look at this phenomenal showcase for the Beautiful Game. We'll do it again after the next round of matches. Hopefully there will be more soccer to talk about next time, because this tournament has kind of blown so far, and I'm running out of stereotypes to make fun of.

Beer Money

Keith and I share a love of at least one other thing besides sports. Let your mind wander all you want gaylords, but I'm talking about trivia.

For years I've wondered why sports trivia shows haven't ever caught on. There have been a few attempts, but they've never lasted. Why? Shouldn't ESPN have its own version of Jeopardy by now? I figure there's an endless supply of mooks willing to go on these shows, there's so much time to fill on ESPN's various channels, and you'd think they'd want to try out some new on-air talent in the hopes of finding the next Craig Kilborne or Keith Olberman. But for whatever reason it hasn't happened. If I knew someone who worked in television I'd try to do something about this.

One of the best failed sports trivia shows was ESPN's 2-Minute Drill, hosted by Kenny Mayne, which aired for a few years starting in the late 1990's. A friend of mine won something like $30,000 on that show. You had to beat another schmo in two speed rounds, and if you made it to the final round you got to double your money by correctly answering a multi-part question on a topic you were allowed to pre-select before the show. My buddy's question was about the 1986 Mets, and it was a good one: Who started Game 6 of the World Series for the Red Sox? Who pinch hit for that starter in the eighth inning? Who was on deck for the Mets when Mookie Wilson hit the ball to Buckner? And who was the winning pitcher of the game? The answers are below, pussies.

Where does this all lead us? To SNY's new stab at a sports trivia show, Beer Money. It's horrible, but I'm recommending it anyway. Well, not to everyone, but maybe just to Keith.

The format finds your hosts - NYC radio vet Chris Carlin and some cooze whose name I'll never remember (That's a lie. Her name is Julie and I want to fuck her. Badly) - asking New York sports trivia questions to random people at various local sports venues and really shitty bars I would never be caught dead in. About 98 percent of the contestants are mouth breathers from Long Island or Jersey, and the show is all the better for it.

The hosts ask a $10 question, then a $20 question, then a $100 question, so the most you can win is $130. Enough for beer money, get it? Oh the hilarity! You can stop at any time and keep what you've got, or you can risk everything by going for the next level. This being New York, most of the contestants are drunk, cocky, overconfident jerkoffs, so they all get suckered in by the first two easy questions and then blow the much harder $100 question. It makes for good TV when they lose. Unfortunately, one guy I saw from Pittsburgh stopped after the second question, and I nearly threw a brick through my TV. That's why you're stuck living in the Burgh, asshole.

Anyway, like I said, the show is pretty awful, but it's about all we've got for sports trivia TV at the moment. I DVR and watch it in about 12 minutes, and I get about 85 percent of the questions right. It makes me feel superior to the retards on the show, and confirms what I've always known, which is that I have a fucking amazing knowledge of New York sports. Don't believe me? Up your nose with a rubber motherfucking hose!

Trivia Answers (In no particular order): Mike Greenwell, Howard Johnson, Rick Aguilera and Roger Clemens.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Another Sports Fan Joins Our Ranks

I am disappointed to announce that another Mets fan joined our ranks. At 1:00 am on Sunday morning, Hernandez's wife gave birth to a baby girl, named Buckner Cocaine Hernandez.

She cries like Tim Duncan after he pushes off against an opponent and gets called for it, even though it happens every time he posts up. She poops like a drunk-on-Coors Rangers fan witnessing the overrated Jaromir Jagr collect another garbage goal.

Upon seeing his new sister, Buckner's 4-year old brother Messier Delgado Hernandez stroked her beautiful mustache before yelling "Daddy hurts!" and being restrained and dragged away by aunts and uncles.

Congratulations to the Hernandez clan. Sometimes I wish I had a beard too...

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

My only hockey post of the year

There are two kinds of luck, as I like to say. And as the shit kind would have it, I'm sitting in Detroit airport waiting for a connecting flight to somewhere less suicidal.

Game 6 of the NHL finals is tonight, so instead of the usual fat chicks mulling around, they're wearing Chris Osgood jerseys. I've already heard the bartender's "we lost game 5 so I drank vodka instead of beer" story six times. Too bad he didn't mix it with razor blades.

The Red Wings will probably win the cup, but I doubt it lifts the fog that hangs over this bombed out city. If I could find a semiautomatic and a Sidney Crosby jersey, I'd put them all out of their misery.

NHL hockey. Keeps people from killing themselves!

Oh, the news is reporting that Hillary is dropping out of the race this week. Is that really happening or is the overwhelming grayness here draining the news of hope? Does Detroit only get CNN Sad?

Vanity Plates

Saw a license on a shitty car this morning that blew me away. It was a custom New York Islanders plate that read YYZ.

That's just fucking incredible. Don't ever doubt for a moment that there is white trash in NYC. At least in my part of Brooklyn.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008


How can we talk baseball when the Stanley Cup Finals are going to Game 6 after the Penguins stunning, "Let's blow a two-goal lead, then tie it up with :35 seconds left in our season, then win it in triple OT - on the road" game last night? I know no one cares, especially Keith, but that's because you're all ignorant.

I had to get up early this morning, but that game was so compelling I couldn't stop watching. My insomniac wife told me all she heard from the bedroom was me popping beers and leaving the house to smoke cigarettes. Normally she'd have my ass for that, but when I told her I was watching a triple OT playoff hockey game she actually understood. I guess all the years of psychological abuse I've inflicted on her has worked.

Where were we? Oh right, baseball. The KH intern didn't come up with anyone else besides Keith Hernandez who won World Series with the Mets and Cardinals (however, the blowjob was delicious!), but I looked it up and it appears pitcher Al Jackson won with the '67 Cards and '69 Mets. But who the fuck is Al Jackson, right?

Anyway, Keith's last post is heartwarming. I'm glad my team isn't hateable, and I really hope he wins that bet with the annoying Yankee fan. Also, I'd like to add "Fuck the Cardinals!"

Is that too rash? Too immature? I guess. I mean, I suppose I don't really hate this year's team that much, although Braden Looper can definitely go suck a cock. (Is Looper still on the team? I don't follow the Cards.) It's the fans I can't stand. That's always the great equalizer when it comes to sports hatred.

Of course there are players I can't stand (Kobe, Sidney Crosby), but a lot of times it has nothing to do with them. Even when I like the players on a rival team I can always muster up enough animosity because of who roots for them. And let's be serious here, Cards fans are a bunch of stuck up know-it-alls. They're great, loyal, passionate, knowledgeable fans for sure, but they irritate me with that, "I can cite every statistic about the players on my team AND every other player in the league" bullshit. I've never met a Cards fan who wasn't that way. I guess it's because there's not actually anything to DO in and arround St. Louis except obsess over a baseball team.

Here's where it gets interesting, because as much as I hate Cardinals fans, I hate Mets fans even more. We're complete and total assholes. Well, they are, not me. I started thinking about this last week when Mets fans gave Joe Torre a standing ovation when he came out for a pitching change in the first game of the Dodgers/Mets series at Shea. It was an incredibly cool thing to do, the fact that Mets fans should NEVER be cheering that overrated media ass kisser notwithstanding.

It was cool because it went off script. The people at Shea certainly weren't Yankee fans, and the older ones remember how horrible Torre was as Mets manager, so my only explanation is that it was a big old Yo! to a hometown guy. Either that or they just wanted to make Willie Randolph jealous.

That last possibility isn't out of the question because Mets fans are assholes. They're reactionary, they're unrealistic, they're too emotionally invested, they're mean spirited and vindictive, and many of them are borderline retarded. But I can overlook that stuff because they root for MY team, and that's all that matters. And hey, at least we're not Cardinals fans.


The second part of this post is supposed to be about Europe 08, and while I'm extremely psyched for the tournament, I can't handicap it. I mean, the Greeks won it last time, so fuck me up the ass if I can predict this year's champ.

I'll only say that I'm rooting for the Netherlands and the Czech's because those are my two favorite countries in Europe. Holland also plays a really free-flowing, pretty style that's pleasing to watch. Which means they'll never win. It'll probably be some greaseball Italians holding the trophy.

Sunday, June 1, 2008


Now that the NBA playoffs are over, unless Kobe Bryant gets a hangnail, let's talk about some baseball.

I represent the St. Louis Cardinals, and Hernandez represents the New York Mets. Which is a pure coincidence, given that Keith Hernandez was probably the only player to win a World Series ring with both franchises (the KH intern is out getting me pizza and blowjobs).

In 1985, umpire Don Denkinger cost the St. Louis Cardinals the World Series. One year later, Bob Stanley's wild pitch and Billy Buckner's itchy taint gave the New York Mets one of theirs. Back in the '80s, the Cards and the Mets had a *huge* rivalry. (Mostly because the Cards' true rival, the Chicago Cubs, usually sucked, so it was like calling the Goth college kid on the sidewalk outside your house competition.)

In the mid '90s St. Louis and New York got split into different divisons, and the rivalry died down. A few years later I moved to New York, and carried my animosity for the Mets. When the Yankees won in 1996, I was actually quite happy. My ex-wife and I headed out to the streets, looking for a place to grab a drink with happy New Yorkers. We went to the closest bar in our 'hood, a gay bar. Not a gay bar, but a Police Academy gay bar. Everyone was old, and dressed funny.

The bouncer opened the door, and we saw them celebrating the Yankees win inside, and we made our case. But try as we might, we had no luck. They wouldn't let the woman inside.

Years later, I discovered that my ex-wife fucked every man in that bar. But I digress.

I lost touch with my team in the late 1990s. And the Yankees became a self-parody of their already-bloated, egotistical selves. The Mets acquired Mike Piazza and Edgardo Alfonso, who were impossible to root against, and my NY allegiances started shifting back to the Mets.

Until 2006, when a mediocre Cardinals team got hot at the right time, and faced off against a superior Mets team, playing a fantastic 7-game series capped off by one of the best playoff games I've ever seen.

Right now the Cards are playing out of their heads and the Mets are underachieving. But I'm pulling for those Mets. The bias is gone.

Also, I bet an annoying Yankees fan earlier this season that the Mets would finish with a better record than the Yankees. Let's go Mets!