LAKERS VS CELTICS, GAME 5

Enough deep thinking. It's NBA time.

I haven't watched the NBA finals in a decade, but this game is exciting. The Western Conference has dominated the Finals since before Woody replaced Coach on Cheers. And tonight, everything can change -- the Celtics can clinch at home tonight.

The Celtics have been Sumo at home, stuffing every team with man-tits and boredom. But there's no way the Celtics can win tonight. The NBA is fixed like a Bob Barker dog, and they can't afford to watch the Celtics win tonight--that would cost them ad revenue for the next two games. Let's see what happens!

9:01 p.m. We see the announcers. Mark Jackson wears a light gray suit, while Coach van Gundy and play-by-play Mike Breen wear dark suits. White dudes at a funeral, black dude at a wedding. I'm just saying. This series looks like it's going back to Honkytown.

9:03 p.m. We see Celtics coach Doc Rivers playing nice with perennial Lakers fan Jack Nicholson, followed closely by Larry King manhandling 12-year olds. The message is sent -- a Celtics win tonight = molestation.

9:07 p.m. Opening tip.

9:09. Celtics down 5-0. My prediction? They'll never lead in this game. I want tacos anyway.

9:13. Here are my taco options. I can go real mexican - but the place I love closes at 8. There's usually a truck open until the late morning hours a few blocks away, but they're not reliable.

My tex-mex option: San Loco makes a tex mex taco, smothers the outside with guacamole and wraps it in a soft-taco shell. They're open late. Pricier, and am I really that hungry? Lakers 10-4.

9:15. Rajon Rondo misses his 2nd free throw. Mike Breen says 'in 'n' out' and damn, maybe I want a burger! I wish I was in LA right now.

I've never had an in 'n' out burger. Is it worth the airfare?

9:17. Lakers 18-5. This shit is according to script. M. Night Shyamalin is not amused.

9:23. Kobe Bryant is on fire. Sadly, this is a figurative statement. But Ray Allen hits a 3! This guy is a freak. I keep waiting for him to burst into ashes, rise like a phoenix and hand out Scientology brochures.

9:26. IKH pariah PJ Brown can't finish a layup. A closeup reveals he can't finish shaving either. He's worthless, and probably the father of my child.

9:27. Lakers 31, Celtics 15. I'm going hunting for food...