The Other Football

Now that the first matches of round robin play at Euro 08 are in the books, I thought it might be time for a recap of what we've seen so far. (I'm pretending today's matches haven't taken place yet because I haven't watched them yet.)

As my compadre Keith already noted, my wife popped out yet another mouth to feed this weekend, so finding time to watch sports was a bit of a challenge for a while there. But a small thing like bringing a new life into the world will not - in fact, DID not - stand in the way of my own self-indulgent gratification, and I was able to squeeze in some teevee and beer time. Keith, probably intuitively realizing I would still attempt to watch sports in between hospital visits, wrote me privately on Sunday to help me out:

Btw, since you will probably have limited time, I will happily tell you which games in Euro Cup 2008 to skip.

Portugal/Turkey - Turkey is extremely overrated.

Croatia/Austria - one of the worst games I ever saw.

Germany/Poland--good first half.

Czech/Swiss was definitely the best of the weekend bunch.

I had actually seen Czech/Swiss and Portugal/Turkey by the time I got his email, but he helped save me time watching Croatia/Austria and Germany/Poland, and he was dead on about all of the matches to boot. So kudos, Keith! May the road rise to meet you, may the wind be always at your back, and may Albert Pujols' steroid use never be uncovered in a court of law.

Without further ado, here is a complete look back at the first Euro 08 fixtures as seen through the eyes of someone whose wife gave birth on the first day of the tournament, but who was still able to watch at least parts of all the matches through the magic of DVR (and a lot of fast forwarding.) In other words, it's authoritative.

• Czech Republic/Switzerland: More competitive than I thought it'd be. Switzerland gave as good as it got, and was a goalpost away from tying it up near the end. The home crowd was fucking awesome. Still rooting for the Czech's though.

• Portugal/Turkey: Keith's right about the Turks. They're full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Just another group of swarthy pseudo-Europeans who run around the pitch like gnats, diving, throwing hissy fits and behaving hysterically. Guys like this will haggle over everything, from yellow cards to the final score to the price of their sister's snatch. As for Portugal, Cristiano Ronaldo is a prancing faggot. And the parallels between he and A-Rod are scary. Possibly the best player in the world? Check. Narcissistic pretty boy? Double check. Fucks she-males? Check and mate.

• Croatia/Austria: Keith nailed it.

• Germany/Poland: Great crowd for this one. The Poles were in full effect. One of my favorite things about international soccer is the pre-game ceremony with the flags and the national anthems (although I can live without the holding the little boys' hands thing. It creeps me out.) The stadiums for this tournament are incredible too. Every single one is awesome. As for the match, I love watching Germany, but what has happened to that country that they have a guy named Mario Gomez on their squad? Mario Gomez! Is this Germany or Epcot Center? I don't think I want to live in a world where Germans allow a Hispanic to play for their national team.

• Romania/France: Who knew Romania is ranked No. 14 in the world? Boring match.

• Netherlands/Italy: NOW we're fucking talking! Best result of the whole tournament so far. My (other) boys put a curb stomping on the Azzuri. The goals were brilliant, especially because two of them came directly off counterattacks after the Italians came thisclose to putting it in the net. Hopefully Holland can keep this up. If not, they still have Dutch beer, great weed and smoking hot whores to salve their wounds. Life is good.

• Spain/Russia: Obviously the Spaniards looked good, but I'm not sold on them yet. The U.S. National Team played them really close last week in Spain, and even though it was a friendly they played their entire starting lineup and their coach said they were looking to tune up for Euro 08. So we'll see about them. And why is Russia in this tournament? Aren't they Asian? The Russian mob must have strongarmed a whole lot of people to get their team in.

• Sweden/Greece: Greece had its miracle run last time, and it ain't happening again. Plus, I always root for Sweden in everything. Good looking, friendly people, and it's primarily a hockey country, so they rule. So does Henrik Lundqvist. Fuck all the haters. That includes you Keith.

So there you have it - a completely thorough, non-biased look at this phenomenal showcase for the Beautiful Game. We'll do it again after the next round of matches. Hopefully there will be more soccer to talk about next time, because this tournament has kind of blown so far, and I'm running out of stereotypes to make fun of.