Can it really be three weeks into the season already? It seems unpossible. But here we are with still so much unknown, except that the Giants are the best team in football, the Rams are the worst, and DeSean Jackson has already cemented his status as the league's next Huge Prick Wide Receiver, following in the footsteps of Irvin, T.O., Ocho Fucko, Moss, etc.
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(Keith here. This week my picks will be mixed in Hernandez's. But instead of adding commentary I'll only be adding my picks, along with Hernandez's inner monologue.)
With that, it's time for my picks:
(I don't feel good about these at all.)
Giants (13.5) vs. Bengals
I'm going to this game, which means there is a very strong possibility the Giants will lose. I think I've only seen like 3 wins in the dozen or so games I've been to in my life. Fuck...who am I kidding? The Giants will win. But only by 10.
Pick: Bengals
(Why am I so down on myself? How can my presence at the stadium among tens of thousands of fans impact anything? )
Keith's Pick: Giants
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Falcons (4.5) vs. Chiefs
A game no one cares about, even in Atlanta and Kansas City. The deciding factor for me is that you should ALWAYS bet against Sermon Edwards.
Pick: Falcons
(I've always hated Herm Edwards because he used to play for my hated rival the Eagles. Secretly, I love him more than my father, and twice as much as my son.)
Keith's Pick: Chiefs
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Bills (8.5) vs. Raiders
True story: My late grandfather was Al Davis' high school football COACH. Gramps said he was third string at best, and "more useful as a waterboy." Whether or not he said this because Davis is Jewish is something I will keep between he and I.
Pick: Bills
(Oops - did I write my grandfather was a 'football'? That's not what I meant. That was an error on my part. My grandfather was a cheerleader.)
Keith's Pick: Bills
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Titans (5.5) vs. Texans
There should be a rivalry between these two teams because of the Houston Oiler connection, but today's players are too rich to care about silly things like "history" and "tradition." I bet Earl Campbell and Buddy Ryan would care if they were still alive. Hell, when he was running the D for the Oilers, Ryan punched out his offensive counterpart - current godlike New York Giants offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride - because he didn't like the run and shoot offense. So you know he'd be looking to crack some Texan skulls this week. Albert Haynesworth definitely could've played for that fat, cheapshotting sumbitch.
Pick: Titans
(God, I love tacos. I hope I can eat some tacos when I get home tonight. I fucking love tacos. I know Keith loves tacos and has written about them, yet I'm pretty fucking sure I love tacos more than Keith loves tacos. I should challenge him to a taco-off.)
Keith's Pick: Titans
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Redskins (3.5) vs. Cardinals
Can't figure either of these two teams out.
Pick: Redskins
(When I talk to myself, I use Clint Eastwood's voice. But when I look in the mirror, I only see myself. They say the mirror adds 15 pounds. I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.)
Keith's Pick: Redskins
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Patriots (12.5) vs. Dolphins
New England isn't going to blow too many teams out this year.
Pick: Dolphins
(I reread what I wrote and it almost looks like I wrote 'New England isn't going to blow too many teams this year'. I have a dirty, dirrrrrrrty mind.)
Keith's Pick: Dolphins
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Bears (3.5) vs. Buccaneers
Hate, hate, hate both these teams. They make football nearly unwatchable. And Kyle Orton vs. Brian Griese? P.U.
Pick: Bears
(And by "P.U." I mean Puke University. Poop Unicorns. Peasant Urinals. Phish Underg. I'm talking the lowest of the low. Real scum.)
Keith's Pick: Bucs
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Vikings (3.5) vs. Panthers
If I hear "The Vikings would be a Super Bowl team if they had a real QB" one more time I'm going to puke. Sure, they'd be BETTER if they had a real QB, but who the fuck is said QB going to throw to? Their receivers blow. Hard.
(I don't understand this line either. Is it the whole, "This is a must win for Minnesota" thing? Makes no sense, not with Peterson hurt and the Panthers playing good ball.)
Pick: Panthers
(I know Minnesota's going to win this one, but I'm throwing Keith a bone because I feel bad for him. I had no idea anyone could be that ticklish.)
Keith's Pick: Vikings
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Seahawks (10.5) vs. Rams
Bwahahahahah!! The Rams are complete shit, but Seattle ain't too far behind. Mike Holmgren (the second most overrated coach in the league behind Mike Shanahan) must give really good blowjobs to bookmakers to have them make his Hawks double-digit favorites. Like, REALLY good, porn star quality, deep throat, "I don't forget to suck the balls and I swallow too" blowjobs.
Pick: Rams
(God, I need a blowjob.)
Keith's Pick: Seahawks
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49ers (4.5) vs. Lions
San Fran isn't exactly good, but they're not exactly terrible either. And head coach Mike Nolan wears a goddamned suit on the sidelines. How can you not root for him?
Pick: 49ers
Keith's Pick: Lions
(It's so coooold in tha D...)
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Broncos (5.5) vs. Saints
Broncos have no defense, and they're a bunch of cunts to boot. But they'll win this shootout by a touchdown.
Pick: Broncos
(I hate Denver. It's Vegas for Mormons.)
Keith's Pick: Saints
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Eagles (3.5) vs. Steelers
One of the two best matchups on the schedule this weekend. We'll see if my theory about the Steelers being slightly overrated holds up now that they're finally playing a real team. My guess is it will. Also, fuck DeSean Jackson.
Pick: Eagles
(God, I hate picking the Eagles. I wish I hadn't already called a team a bunch of cunts. Twice would be overkill. That's just too many cunts. There's no way around it.)
Keith's Pick: Steelers
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Colts (5.5) vs. Jaguars
Both teams have banged up offensive lines, and Bob Sanders is out for the Colts. They may pull it out like they did against Minnesota last week, but they won't cover.
Pick: Jaguars
Keith's Pick: Jaguars
(I want to start a punk band and name them Tony Danza's Castration Nightmare. Lord, am I fucked up.)
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Ravens (2.5) vs. Browns
Don't care about this one either.
Pick: Ravens
(Nor do I.)
Keith's Pick: Ravens
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Cowboys (3.5) vs. Packers
This week's other best matchup. I like Aaron Rodgers and I'm rooting for him, but T.O. and Homo are going to destroy that secondary like Plaxico and Toomer did in the NFC Championship Game last January. Maybe even more. Also, fuck Jerry Jones.
Pick: Cowboys
(I live in a world where my two most hated rivals are two of the best teams in the league. I want to pluck the eyebrows of society with tweezers of rage in sheer defiance of the quality of these teams. I want to beat up their fans with a blowdryer and a bathtub.)
Keith's Pick: Cowboys
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Chargers (8.5) vs. Jets
Glad to see Vegas agrees with me that the Jets are frauds. 0-2 San Diego is favored by more than a TD? Awesome! With that steroid freak Merriman out, the Chargers aren't as tough as most thought they'd be on defense, but even so, they should still be 2-0.
Manboobs will have the wrong gameplan as always, Favre will throw 3 INT's, D'Brickashaw Ferguson will get blowed up repeatedly, Tomlinson and Sproles will run all over their horrible defensive line, their new punter will tear his Achilles, and Laverneus Coles will cry some more about Chad Pennington being cut loose. GOD I love football!
Pick: Chargers
Keith's Pick: Jets
(Enjoy the football.)
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