Keith's picks, Week 1

Hey Hernandez - it's good to have you back in the fold. Nothing like a new football season and Sarah Palin's tits in fall. I can't wait till she breastfeeds during the debate:

I'll leave my pick discourse light this week, but here they are:

Giants (-4) over Redskins. Yes, I did pick this before it happened. Yes, Eli Manning will cause many heart attacks again this year - he threw one interception and should've thrown three more.

Jets (-3) over Dolphins. Once again, Chad Pennington will be trying to make the Jets lose, only this time he's in the wrong uniform.

Bengals (-1.5) over Ravens. Ravens QB Kyle Boller is out for the season. This is probably a good thing for Baltimore, but wait...nothing ever good happens to Baltimore.

Patriots (-15.5) over Chiefs. Really, Hernandez? the Chiefs? Sucker.

Steelers (-6.5) over Texans. I swear, I made these picks before I saw they all disagreed with Hernandez'. Early season buzz is that the Steelers are back, baby. I hate them, but they're always great at home, and they only have to win by a touchdown.

Jaguars (-3) over Titans. The Titans are a physical team with Lamar from 'Revenge of their Nerds' as their quarterback. Jacksonville's quarterback David Garrard is an enormous man who could eat the Titan's quarterback.

Lions (-1) over Falcons. Nobody cares.

Bills (-1) over Seahawks. Tim Russert was a Bills fan, so they should make the playoffs this year. It'd be the right thing to do.

Saints (-3) over Buccaneers. The Saints were amazing two years ago and pathetic-to-mediocre last year. Alcoholism skips generations, and I'm betting Saints football skips years.

Rams (+7.5) over Eagles. Fuck the Eagles. I used to root for this team. The Rams are much better than last year, when their entire offensive line was injured.

Cowboys (-5.5) over Browns. Jessica Simpson is my favorite player on either side.

Chargers (-9.5) over Panthers. LT, LT, LT. LT. Gonna eat a BLT during this one and listen to Public Image, LTD.

Cardinals (-2.5) over 49ers. Yawn.

Colts (-9.5) over Bears. I hope this one turns out the other way. But have you been to Indianapolis? There's nothing else going for that city. Not even the speedway.

Vikings (+2.5) over Packers. I like Adrian Peterson for all the reasons that Hernandez doesn't. I'm also rooting against Aaron Rodgers because you'd have to be a fool to step into Brett Favre's shoes.

Raiders (+3) over Broncos. I can't stand the Broncos, probably because of their insufferable coach Mike Shanahan. Plus, the Raiders are true scum - they may up and mass murder one of their opponents one week. That'd be news.