Keith's Week 4 Picks

This week I'm spending Sunday in Connecticut, as my band does a roundtrip to Boston to play a 27-minute show. It should be exhilarating.

I dedicate this week's picks to George Costanza, who Keith got to know briefly back in the '90s. I'm pretty much going with the opposite of my gut on most of these. Home team listed first:

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Jets (3.5) vs. Cardinals

There is no frickin' way the Cardinals can look this good. They've always sucked; even more than the Jets have. But Brett Favre's season-long nightmare cannot end. Not as long as I still have my nightmares about getting attacked by someone's pet monkey.

Pick: Cardinals

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Chiefs vs. Broncos (8.5)

Denver has looked pretty outstanding so far, particularly on offense, and the Chiefs...not so Chief-like. If tits were losses, the Chiefs would be stacked. So there's no reason that the Chiefs can possibly get close in this game, right? Costanza'd.

Pick: Chiefs

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Bengals (3.5) vs. Browns

The Bengals put up a heroic fight against the Giants last week and came up just short. Those are hard games to bounce back from, especially when half your team owns and regularly uses unregistered firearms to combat post-game pressure. Like the Bengals, the Browns are also 0-3 and I think they're ready to stomp. They'll let it loose and the Bengals will pickle cucumbers with the salt of their clown-drop tears.

Pick: Browns

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Jaguars (7.5) vs. Texans

The Jaguars of Jacksonville, who need to do us all a favor and send us a note about what the hell there is to do once in Jacksonville, were predicted to bust out of the grits-n-zits South and conquer the AFC. Since then, they've gone an unimpressive 1-2, barely squeaking by an injured Colts team. They face a much soggier Houston Texan's team, whose recent practices in waterlogged Texas looked like a snuff film version of 'Cherish' by Madonna.

I feel like the Jaguars will win this game *and* I'm rooting for them. Bad scenario. Never bet on a team because you like them. Then you'll fantasize about highfiving one of them going to back to the locker room, and a week later he'll recognize you, ask you back to his table of strippers where you'll discover why they wear so much makeup and, subsequently, how fast you can drink champagne before getting on a horse and paddling her to safety.

Pick: Texans

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Saints (5.5) vs. 49ers. I don't care. What the hell happened to Football in California? No teams in Los Angeles. San Diego underachieves. The Raiders and the 49ers are soon to be new hosts of the Toilet Bowl, formerly the annual Green Bay/Tampa game in the '80s. Those Prozac zombies need to stop shooting at each other on freeways and start hitting each other.

Pick: Saints

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Panthers (6.5) vs. Falcons

Carolina will run all over the Falcons crappy run defense. When in doubt, take the BBQ.

Pick: Panthers

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Titans (2.5) vs. Vikings

All signs point to the Titans winning this. They're playing well, crybaby Vince Young is on the sidelines, Vikings star Adrian Peterson is a little hobbled, the spread is low. For all these reasons, it's TOO obvious. I like the Vikings to pull one they have no business winning out of their ass. Also, that puts pressure to start Vince Young again next week, which is potential comedy gold.

Pick: Vikings

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Buccaneers (1.5) vs. Packers

Packers. Either team could win this really, and I don't really care, but Tampa Bay just clinched the AL East in Baseball this week, and the Bucs are gonna be a little baseball-centric and low-energy on Sunday. Also, Packers QB Aaron Rodgers will score the first TD in NFL history when only his nose breaks the plane of the end zone.

Pick: Packers

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Rams vs. Bills (8.5)

The Rams are trying out 38-year old quarterback Trent Green this week, and I'm trying out a new fiber to make myself more regular.

Pick: Bills

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Raiders vs. Chargers (7.5)

Oakland's coach and owner are both on death watch. Coach Kiffin, figuratively, and owner Al Davis, literally. (Notice the Jack and Blood and Coke).

Meanwhile, the San Diego Chargers' stadium hosted a huge anti-gay rally this week.
And now the team is going to the Bay Area. I predict a gay ol' time.

Pick: Chargers

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Cowboys (10.5) vs. Redskins

I very, very badly want to see Tony Romo continue to play like a man possessed by Jessica's tail feathers. A Redskins upset is in the cards, but if they show up and play a little defense they should cover. Screw 'dem Cowboys.

Pick: Redskins

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Bears vs. Eagles (5.5)

I can not bring myself to pick the Eagles. They're a better team than the Bears, but I cannot bring myself to do it. I think this is the game where a Bear player tackles Eagles coach Andy Reid on the sidelines and he dies instantly of a massive heart attack. Later they find six undigested cheesesteaks. In his BLOODSTREAM.

Pick: Bears

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Monday Night - Steelers (4.5) vs. Ravens

A must-win for the Steelers. They have to prove they're an elite team this week, and on the national stage, I root for the home team. I really think the Ravens will cover because of their ass-cheek tight defense, but what the hell? I'm going to get a calzone.

Pick: Steelers