Keith's Week 2 Football Picks

I thought I'd post my Week 2 Picks on Thursday night, as I have to go bed at sunset tomorrow to get ready for my early Saturday morning soccer game. Nothing's really happening in baseball - the Mets look like shoo-ins to win their division and make the playoffs (jinx please work jinx please work - Noonan! NoonanNoonan!).

Here we go. I've listed the home team first, and the point spread after the favored team.

Rams vs. Giants (5.5)

Who's the New York team that chokes against crappy teams? J-E-T-S Bretts Bretts Bretts! The Giants will make this one a yawner. Mow your lawn. Or your eyebrows.

Pick: Giants


Jets (2.5) vs. Patriots

So Tom Brady goes down with a bad knee after giving Gisele a Roman Helmet, and the media goes nuts. Brett Favre was still born during the LBJ administration, and they barely beat the Dolphins (1-15 last year) last week. Don't get me wrong, Brett Favre still has it. And by "it", I mean the issue of AARP magazine I anonymously sent him last week.

Pick: Patriots


Chiefs (3.5) vs. Raiders

Last week, the Chiefs almost beat the vaunted New England Patriots, and the Raiders got blown out. Don't you people watch movies? The Chiefs will underestimate the Raiders, and the Raiders will eat them alive. Or, at least, barely beat the spread in one of the most unwatchable games to ever be aired. Why do people love football again?

Pick: Raiders

Jaguars (5.5) vs. Bills

I'm superstitious. Last week I picked the Bills because Tim Russert loved the Bills and they upset Seattle. Ride it like a train to Candyland until you have enough candy, or enough land.

Pick: Bills

Panthers (2.5) vs. Bears

Last week, the Bears pulled off a convincing upset of the Colts. Two years ago, I made the drive from Indianapolis to Chicago. Indy was in a new stadium, and let's face it: they're much better than the Bears. But Peyton Manning's been hurt after massaging brother Eli's nipples in the Oreo commercials.

The Bears face a prepared team this week, and they're gonna get carpet-bagged.

Pick: Panthers

Lions vs. Packers (2.5)

If the Lions can indiscriminately turn into actual Lions, they have a chance in this one. Otherwise, this one's a no-brainer. The Packers were a 13-3 team last year, and only missed the Super Bowl because of Brett Favre. Meanwhile, here's the best thing to come out of Detroit in the last year:



Pick: Packers

Redskins (1.5) vs. Saints

Even though the Saints lost their best receiver last week, it's hurricane season, and these things are to be expected. But they're playing in Washington. And until the new Redskins coach Jim Zorn overcomes the fear of calling a timeout late in the game and giving his team a chance, I'm pretty sure on this one.

Pick: Saints

Bengals vs. Titans (1.5)

So this week Tennessee Titans QB Vince Young went Romper Room. After throwing his second interception last week, he refused to go back in the game. On Monday, he went AWOL for several hours, with an "unloaded" gun in his car. Two days later, his mother said he didn't want to play football anymore.

The thing is: Vince Young sucks. And last year, the Bengals set a record for most starting players with felony arrests. I know where I'd rather put my money.

Pick: Titans

Seahawks (8.5) vs. 49ers

Anything bad that could've happened to the Seahawks has happened to the Seahawks. Their quarterback, running back, and all their receivers are injured. *That's* how bad the 49ers are.

Pick: Seahawks

Vikings vs. Colts (2.5)

Last week, the Colts couldn't stop the Bears running attack. News flash: the Bears *have* no running attack. The Colts just suck this year. Meanwhile, the Vikings have Adrian Peterson, the most exciting back in the league.

I don't know if the Vikings can win this one, because their QB Tavaris Jackson is scarily uneven, like Dennis Hopper from Blue Velvet uneven. But for every Dennis Hopper, there's a Dean Stockwell serenading us with Roy Orbison covers.

Pick: Vikings

Cardinals (6.5) vs. Dolphins

Just because. Ivy grows up, shit goes down. You don't want either one.

Pick: Cardinals

Broncos (2.5) vs. Chargers

I suffered karmic damage from Hernandez by calling San Diego running back LaDainian Tomlinson 'LT' last week, a nickname reserved for Giants HOF Lawrence Taylor. My bad. But that BLT was awesome.

Pick: Broncos

Buccaneers (7.5) vs. Falcons

When Tampa plays Atlanta, stay away from the tailgate and check Youtube the next morning for good ol' Southern boys playing Demolition Dumbass.

Note to Delta Air: Atlanta was burned in 1864 and bombed in 1996. Maybe you need a new hub?
Pick: Buccaneers


Browns vs. Steelers (4.5)

Until the Browns win a Super Bowl, I'll be convinced they were named after heroin. So they'll have a kickass time on Sunday, which is all we 9-5ers can hope for, isn't it? (Not heroin, but the kickass time.)

Pick: Steelers

Texans (4.5) vs. Ravens

Ok, the heroin.

Pick: Texans

Cowboys (6.5) vs. Eagles

As a lifelong Giants fan, I'll let Hernandez provide the commentary for the two most hated rivals facing off.

Pick: Cowboys