Shea, R.I.P.

The image above encapsulates my feelings about the Mets. They're a bunch of choking dogs.

Keith asked me privately a few weeks ago - when the Mets first started to blow their lead - if I was going to post about baseball, and I replied that I was waiting for the collapse to be complete before posting anything. It was out of character for me to say that, because I'm the ultimate sports optimist, sometimes annoyingly so. But I could see it coming down the Grand Central Parkway, and so could every other real Met fan.

Now it's come to pass. Again. And I can't say I'm that surprised. Our history is littered with shit. It's no coincidence that our two World Series championships were miracles, almost literally. The 1969 team is known as the Miracle Mets, for fucks sake! Know why? Because they SUCKED, and it was a miracle they won the title. And the 1986 club was clearly the best in baseball, but it took a miracle comeback for them to win it all. There's a reason Game 6 of the '86 World Series is one of the most memorable in all of baseball history. It happened on my 14th birthday, and I honestly don't think I could have been happier if I had been given a box of blowjobs.

So I'm a fan of a loser franchise. Amateur hour. Mickey Mouse. A laughingstock. And I'm fucking proud of it. It's the only honorable thing to do because rooting for the Yankees means selling your soul. My great grandfather settled in New York after coming over from Ireland - first in the Bronx, then in Brooklyn - and he raised his sons to be Brooklyn Dodgers fans. My grandfather raised my dad the same, and when the Dodgers left for Hollywood they were left with nothing to root for until the Mets came into existence. So they were both Mets fan literally from Day 1, and it rubbed off on me. I remember the two of them taking me to Shea when I was a little kid to watch immortals like John Stearns, Lee Mazzilli, John Matlack and Dave "Kong" Kingman. Sure, it was a form of child abuse, but it was the fucking 70's so no one cared.

Those were great memories, and honestly, I was much, MUCH more sad yesterday about it being the last game at Shea Stadium than I was about this particular season ending so horribly. Much to my surprise, I actually got a little choked up watching the farewell ceremony on tv. Seasons come and go, and as a Mets fan you get used to bad endings, but the one constant through it all was Shea. Ugly, filthy, smelly, uncomfortable, cold, outdated Shea.

By any objective standards it was a horrible place to watch sports, but somehow it had charm and character. It wasn't so much timeless as it was stuck in a particular time - 1975. It hasn't changed much since then aesthetically, and it definitely FEELS the same as when I first went there as a kid. The guy three seats over could easily be Popeye Doyle, the detective played by Gene Hackman in "The French Connection." And there are always some longhairs lighting a joint in the empty sections of the upper deck in the outfield. Everything reeks of stale, cheap beer, and you'd better believe someone's starting a fight. What an atmosphere. They say it's the people, not the place, and that's true of Shea. Our gritty, surly, lowlife fans left their mark, and I'm happy to be one of the club.

My dad had season tickets for a couple of years in the late 80's, so I've been there a lot in my time. I went to all three home games in the 1988 NLCS against L.A., when a clearly inferior Dodgers team caught lightning in a bottle and beat my boys in a close series. (Much like the 2006 Cardinals, now that I think about it.) Those games were great, but the real sentimental shit is the memory of a freezing cold Tuesday night in May against the Pirates when a skinny Barry Bonds jumps over the left field fence not once, but twice to steal home runs; or a Saturday afternoon doubleheader against the Phillies when young Dave Magadan fills in for Keith Hernandez and goes 5-5 in the first game and 4-5 in the second. (I can't remember exactly, but at least one drunken idiot booed him for making an out in the second game.)

There are also the non-baseball Shea memories, like the handful of times I snuck in with my dad and brother to watch the Jets. We're Giants fans, but who can turn down free football, right? My father had a good friend who was an usher at Shea, and he would call us Sunday morning and say, "Go to Gate C, last turnstile on the left. Tell the ticket taker with the gray hair 'lemons' and he'll let you in." This is actually a true story. We'd find seats somewhere in the upper deck, and one particularly memorable occasion when it was sold out because the arch rival Dolphins were in town, we sat on the stairs in the aisle. All to watch Richard Todd try to chuck the pigskin through the bitter, whipping winds coming off Flushing Bay. So maybe my father wasn't so great after all.

What else... oh yeah - even though I wasn't there for it, Shea had the Beatles. Twice. That easily trumps Yankee Stadium's Papal visits. Suck it Catholics! I also saw the Rolling Stones there for the first and only time - Steel Wheels tour, October 1989, my 17th birthday - which was amazing; along with the best Springsteen show I've ever attended, which is saying a whole fucking lot.

So yeah, I'm rambling. Whatever. It was a traumatic day yesterday, and if I can't vent and reminisce on my own blog, where can I? I'm sad that the 2008 Mets are done for the year, and that Shea is done forever. I guess the only good thing to come out of this is that now I don't have to pay attention to fucking baseball for a good six months.

Hernandez Week 4 Picks

I tried to edit Keith's post to add HIS inner thoughts this week, but Blogger wouldn't let me. What the fuck? He already cheated in Week 2 by trying to take one of my accurate picks away from me, then he added one to his ledger that he got wrong, and on top of that now HE has the ability to edit my posts but I can't change his. Diebold could learn a thing or two from this shady mofo.

At least I have a built-in excuse for screwing up my picks this week, which I surely will. I figure I'm due to have a bad week. Shit, this already IS a bad week for the NFL, with a really uninspiring slate of games. But I'll give it a whirl anyway.

Jets (3.5) vs. Cardinals

I totally called last week's Jets game, btw. Here's what I wrote:

Manboobs will have the wrong gameplan as always, Favre will throw 3 INT's, D'Brickashaw Ferguson will get blowed up repeatedly, Tomlinson and Sproles will run all over their horrible defensive line, their new punter will tear his Achilles, and Laverneus Coles will cry some more about Chad Pennington being cut loose. GOD I love football!

Manboobs tried to run and gun with San Diego instead of trying to play a running/ball possession type game that would limit San Diego's chances on offense. He also called for a ridiculous onside kick in the second quarter that completely turned the game in San Diego's favor. Douche. Favre threw 2 INT's, and at least 2 others were dropped. Thomas Jones was stuffed and Favre was running for his life, so D'Brickashaw definitely got blowed up. The Chargers ran all over the Jets horrible D line once Kris Jenkins left the game with a fat injury... excuse me, back injury. Coles was invisible, and even though I never heard it, I'm pretty sure he cried into his pillow about Chad. And here's the funniest one - the new punter didn't even play because he pulled a muscle the day before the game. Ha! Sometimes this is too easy.

Pick: Cardinals

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Chiefs vs. Broncos (8.5)

If Denver was playing a team with an average offense I'd pick against them. But c'mon, this is the Chiefs we're talking about!

Pick: Broncos

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Bengals (3.5) vs. Browns

Cincy took my boys to the limit, so I've gots to give props.

Pick: Bengals

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Jaguars (7.5) vs. Texans

Jags saved their season last week, so this will either be a cakewalk or a trap game. Mmmmmm, cake.

Pick: Jaguars

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Saints (5.5) vs. 49ers

Shockey's out for 6 weeks with a hernia he probably got from fucking Plaxico Burress too hard. Is it a coincidence that after the Shockey injury was announced, Plax didn't show up at Giants Stadium for two days? Methinks not. Shockey seems like a top with jungle fever. And Plax has always struck me as a willing bottom with BDSM tendencies.

Pick: 49ers

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Panthers (6.5) vs. Falcons

Spread's too big without you.

Pick: Falcons

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Titans (2.5) vs. Vikings

Two of the tougher teams in the league. And by tough I don't mean tough to beat, because I don't see either one as a Super Bowl contender (especially the overrated Vikings), but tough as in physically punishing. Quien es mas macho?

Pick: Titans

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Buccaneers (1.5) vs. Packers

Pack will rebound from the Cowgirls debacle against the really not all that special Buccaneers who are always lauded by the national media because for some unknown reason John Gruden is thought of as godlike even though he won his only Super Bowl with Tony Dungy's players and he makes funny faces and he always abuses his quarterbacks and Bucs fans are insufferable and Tampa Bay is the worst hell hole on the fucking earth and I hate this team and these fans and this city and the people in it and I wish that they would all die.

Pick: Packers

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Rams vs. Bills (8.5)

People all over the world, join hands. Start a love train, love train.

Imma keep on riding this here Buffalo.

Pick: Bills

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Raiders vs. Chargers (7.5)

Chargers are going to go on a roll.

Pick: Chargers

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Cowboys (10.5) vs. Redskins

Another game where they can all go fuck themselves. But as hard as it is to admit, it won't be close.

Pick: Cowboys

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Bears vs. Eagles (5.5)

See above.

Pick: Eagles

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Monday Night - Steelers (4.5) vs. Ravens

Part of me wants the Ravens to continue what the Eagles began to expose last week, which is that the Steelers aren't an elite team. Another, more selfish part of me wants Baltimore to only be OK so there's no chance of NBC switching the Giants/Ravens game in Week 11 to prime time. Why do I not want that? Because Keith and I are going to that game, and I want it to be a 1pm start so I can spend even more time away from my family getting fucked up. Priorities people. Still...

Pick: Ravens

Happy football everbody!

Keith's Week 4 Picks

This week I'm spending Sunday in Connecticut, as my band does a roundtrip to Boston to play a 27-minute show. It should be exhilarating.

I dedicate this week's picks to George Costanza, who Keith got to know briefly back in the '90s. I'm pretty much going with the opposite of my gut on most of these. Home team listed first:

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Jets (3.5) vs. Cardinals

There is no frickin' way the Cardinals can look this good. They've always sucked; even more than the Jets have. But Brett Favre's season-long nightmare cannot end. Not as long as I still have my nightmares about getting attacked by someone's pet monkey.

Pick: Cardinals

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Chiefs vs. Broncos (8.5)

Denver has looked pretty outstanding so far, particularly on offense, and the Chiefs...not so Chief-like. If tits were losses, the Chiefs would be stacked. So there's no reason that the Chiefs can possibly get close in this game, right? Costanza'd.

Pick: Chiefs

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Bengals (3.5) vs. Browns

The Bengals put up a heroic fight against the Giants last week and came up just short. Those are hard games to bounce back from, especially when half your team owns and regularly uses unregistered firearms to combat post-game pressure. Like the Bengals, the Browns are also 0-3 and I think they're ready to stomp. They'll let it loose and the Bengals will pickle cucumbers with the salt of their clown-drop tears.

Pick: Browns

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Jaguars (7.5) vs. Texans

The Jaguars of Jacksonville, who need to do us all a favor and send us a note about what the hell there is to do once in Jacksonville, were predicted to bust out of the grits-n-zits South and conquer the AFC. Since then, they've gone an unimpressive 1-2, barely squeaking by an injured Colts team. They face a much soggier Houston Texan's team, whose recent practices in waterlogged Texas looked like a snuff film version of 'Cherish' by Madonna.

I feel like the Jaguars will win this game *and* I'm rooting for them. Bad scenario. Never bet on a team because you like them. Then you'll fantasize about highfiving one of them going to back to the locker room, and a week later he'll recognize you, ask you back to his table of strippers where you'll discover why they wear so much makeup and, subsequently, how fast you can drink champagne before getting on a horse and paddling her to safety.

Pick: Texans

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Saints (5.5) vs. 49ers. I don't care. What the hell happened to Football in California? No teams in Los Angeles. San Diego underachieves. The Raiders and the 49ers are soon to be new hosts of the Toilet Bowl, formerly the annual Green Bay/Tampa game in the '80s. Those Prozac zombies need to stop shooting at each other on freeways and start hitting each other.

Pick: Saints

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Panthers (6.5) vs. Falcons

Carolina will run all over the Falcons crappy run defense. When in doubt, take the BBQ.

Pick: Panthers

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Titans (2.5) vs. Vikings

All signs point to the Titans winning this. They're playing well, crybaby Vince Young is on the sidelines, Vikings star Adrian Peterson is a little hobbled, the spread is low. For all these reasons, it's TOO obvious. I like the Vikings to pull one they have no business winning out of their ass. Also, that puts pressure to start Vince Young again next week, which is potential comedy gold.

Pick: Vikings

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Buccaneers (1.5) vs. Packers

Packers. Either team could win this really, and I don't really care, but Tampa Bay just clinched the AL East in Baseball this week, and the Bucs are gonna be a little baseball-centric and low-energy on Sunday. Also, Packers QB Aaron Rodgers will score the first TD in NFL history when only his nose breaks the plane of the end zone.

Pick: Packers

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Rams vs. Bills (8.5)

The Rams are trying out 38-year old quarterback Trent Green this week, and I'm trying out a new fiber to make myself more regular.

Pick: Bills

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Raiders vs. Chargers (7.5)

Oakland's coach and owner are both on death watch. Coach Kiffin, figuratively, and owner Al Davis, literally. (Notice the Jack and Blood and Coke).

Meanwhile, the San Diego Chargers' stadium hosted a huge anti-gay rally this week.
And now the team is going to the Bay Area. I predict a gay ol' time.

Pick: Chargers

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Cowboys (10.5) vs. Redskins

I very, very badly want to see Tony Romo continue to play like a man possessed by Jessica's tail feathers. A Redskins upset is in the cards, but if they show up and play a little defense they should cover. Screw 'dem Cowboys.

Pick: Redskins

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Bears vs. Eagles (5.5)

I can not bring myself to pick the Eagles. They're a better team than the Bears, but I cannot bring myself to do it. I think this is the game where a Bear player tackles Eagles coach Andy Reid on the sidelines and he dies instantly of a massive heart attack. Later they find six undigested cheesesteaks. In his BLOODSTREAM.

Pick: Bears

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Monday Night - Steelers (4.5) vs. Ravens

A must-win for the Steelers. They have to prove they're an elite team this week, and on the national stage, I root for the home team. I really think the Ravens will cover because of their ass-cheek tight defense, but what the hell? I'm going to get a calzone.

Pick: Steelers

Soccer Bar, 7:30 a.m.

I promised a post on my NY soccer bar experience.

Two Saturdays ago I set my alarm for 7:30 a.m. for a 7:45 match between my team, Liverpool, and the bloated carcass of a champion, Manchester United, which was being featured at Nevada Smith's (3rd Ave and 11th) at 7:45 a.m. It was a painful wake-up call, the same reason I guess my friends who run races wake up at 6:00 in the morning to go to Central Park to run half-marathons.

The East Village is a wondrous place at 7:30 on a weekend morning. All of the hangers-on and keeper-ups have swept away, and shopkeepers are sweeping up their sidewalks. On the weekends, no delivery trucks clog the streets or the uncharacteristic quiet.

I walk into Nevada Smith's and the sunlight and calm get swallowed by the darkness, heat and humidity pouring off the metabolizing fanatics that line every sweaty joint of the place. As my eyes adjust to the darkness, I see the entire main floor is packed gill-to-gill, and I'm ushered downstairs. I saw maybe 20-25 people on my 7-block walk, and there are 300 people stuffed inside this place.

I showed up 6 minutes late and Manchester United had already scored following a pass from their new acquisition Dmitri Berbatov, who looks like a cross between Andy Garcia and Gargamel. He's evil. The goal was scored by Carlos Tevez, an Argentinean with the worst underbite I've ever seen. The Argentineans are the worst cheaters I've ever seen. Tevez works hard, but since he won't spend any of his millions on orthidonture, you kinda wanna punch him in the lower jaw.

About 30 minutes into the game, the place was so packed that they turned on a gigantic rotary fan. It's a crazy atmosphere. We're 3 games into the season, and people live and die by each near-miss. These people understand the game. It's not like an American football bar where dumbass Soc stockbrokers buy their bleach-blonde girlfriends beers and promise to take them to Clone Beach next weekend to make up for it. Everybody here legitimately loves the game and their team. It's an awesome sight to behold.

Liverpool is playing without their two best players, Steven Gerrard, their captain, and Fernando Torres, who is also a bleach blonde. Hmmmmmm. But they outplay the better Man U. squad for the better part of the match. And in the 77th minute, when Ryan Babel puts Liverpool up 2-1, the bar erupts. The downstairs bartender is pumping his fist, he's a Liverpool fan. More than half the crowd are wearing their team's jerseys, so I know who to high-five. And they're quick with hugs. It makes or breaks the weekend for these fans.

On my walk home I spy a few guys in Liverpool jerseys. I congratulate them on the win, and for a few seconds, Manhattan shrinks a little bit more. We're all a little pissed. I ask them where they're headed and they say they're hunting for food. I say I'm going home to sleep for several hours and we all laugh. And that's it. And it happens every weekend.

Tony Romo better be f'in the f out of Jessica Simpson (Recap, Week 3)

I lost the Week 3 picks. I went 10-6 and Hernandez went 11-5. The guy is amazing at picking the ponies. He could quit his second job as a busker juggling Hostess treats if he'd just bet on his games. Hernandez is now 32-15, and destined like Icarus for greatness. I'm a humble 27-20.

I was out of town this weekend and went to great lengths not to hear or read about the outcomes of the games. I'm in an office pool and stand to win $75-$100 every week if I outpick 160 people. At that point, I find drama and heartbreak in every outcome. It's that personal investment that amps it up.

I think this is why Cowboys fans are going to have their hearts torn out. The Cowboys won their football game this week against the pretty-damn-good Packers this week, 20-9, but Tony Romo is showing signs of wear from getting fucked in the wallet by tight-end girlfriend Jessica Simpson. On Sunday night's game, he continued to attack his job like a man who had just received a tex during the game, something like "O baby I luv when u put yr hands between my thighs and i yell 'hike' throw a td gorgeous i luv u ^^"

The Cowboys have beat two of the most promising teams in the NFC in their first two weeks (Packers and Eagles) but the warning signs are there. Don't be surprised if Tony Romo looks like Robert Evans by Week 13.

In other games, the Steelers lost the Red State-Blue State match to the Eagles 13-9. These are two of the top 10 teams in football, and this is the ugliest game I've seen in a long long time. The Patriots gave up without Tom Brady and choked badly, badly, badly to the Miami Dolphins who finished a couple places past last in 2007. I'm going to Boston on Sunday and may buy a mini tape recorder to guage reactions.

The Giants played an overtime thriller against the Cincinnati Bengals. The Giants were favored to stomp, but the Bengals pulled an incredible game out of their ass and the Giants *still* won. That's a sign of a pretty good team. But the Bengals definitely found out they can run to the outside against the Giants' weak defensive ends, and you can definitely throw to whoever Kevin Dockery is covering, who looked as good on the field as those khaki Dockers your aunt bought you in 2001 look on you.

Week 3 NFL Picks

Can it really be three weeks into the season already? It seems unpossible. But here we are with still so much unknown, except that the Giants are the best team in football, the Rams are the worst, and DeSean Jackson has already cemented his status as the league's next Huge Prick Wide Receiver, following in the footsteps of Irvin, T.O., Ocho Fucko, Moss, etc.
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(Keith here. This week my picks will be mixed in Hernandez's. But instead of adding commentary I'll only be adding my picks, along with Hernandez's inner monologue.)

With that, it's time for my picks:
(I don't feel good about these at all.)

Giants (13.5) vs. Bengals

I'm going to this game, which means there is a very strong possibility the Giants will lose. I think I've only seen like 3 wins in the dozen or so games I've been to in my life. Fuck...who am I kidding? The Giants will win. But only by 10.

Pick: Bengals

(Why am I so down on myself? How can my presence at the stadium among tens of thousands of fans impact anything? )

Keith's Pick: Giants
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Falcons (4.5) vs. Chiefs

A game no one cares about, even in Atlanta and Kansas City. The deciding factor for me is that you should ALWAYS bet against Sermon Edwards.

Pick: Falcons

(I've always hated Herm Edwards because he used to play for my hated rival the Eagles. Secretly, I love him more than my father, and twice as much as my son.)

Keith's Pick: Chiefs

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Bills (8.5) vs. Raiders

True story: My late grandfather was Al Davis' high school football COACH. Gramps said he was third string at best, and "more useful as a waterboy." Whether or not he said this because Davis is Jewish is something I will keep between he and I.

Pick: Bills


(Oops - did I write my grandfather was a 'football'? That's not what I meant. That was an error on my part. My grandfather was a cheerleader.)

Keith's Pick: Bills
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Titans (5.5) vs. Texans

There should be a rivalry between these two teams because of the Houston Oiler connection, but today's players are too rich to care about silly things like "history" and "tradition." I bet Earl Campbell and Buddy Ryan would care if they were still alive. Hell, when he was running the D for the Oilers, Ryan punched out his offensive counterpart - current godlike New York Giants offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride - because he didn't like the run and shoot offense. So you know he'd be looking to crack some Texan skulls this week. Albert Haynesworth definitely could've played for that fat, cheapshotting sumbitch.

Pick: Titans

(God, I love tacos. I hope I can eat some tacos when I get home tonight. I fucking love tacos. I know Keith loves tacos and has written about them, yet I'm pretty fucking sure I love tacos more than Keith loves tacos. I should challenge him to a taco-off.)

Keith's Pick: Titans

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Redskins (3.5) vs. Cardinals

Can't figure either of these two teams out.

Pick: Redskins

(When I talk to myself, I use Clint Eastwood's voice. But when I look in the mirror, I only see myself. They say the mirror adds 15 pounds. I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.)

Keith's Pick: Redskins
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Patriots (12.5) vs. Dolphins

New England isn't going to blow too many teams out this year.

Pick: Dolphins

(I reread what I wrote and it almost looks like I wrote 'New England isn't going to blow too many teams this year'. I have a dirty, dirrrrrrrty mind.)

Keith's Pick: Dolphins
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Bears (3.5) vs. Buccaneers

Hate, hate, hate both these teams. They make football nearly unwatchable. And Kyle Orton vs. Brian Griese? P.U.

Pick: Bears

(And by "P.U." I mean Puke University. Poop Unicorns. Peasant Urinals. Phish Underg. I'm talking the lowest of the low. Real scum.)

Keith's Pick: Bucs

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Vikings (3.5) vs. Panthers

If I hear "The Vikings would be a Super Bowl team if they had a real QB" one more time I'm going to puke. Sure, they'd be BETTER if they had a real QB, but who the fuck is said QB going to throw to? Their receivers blow. Hard.

(I don't understand this line either. Is it the whole, "This is a must win for Minnesota" thing? Makes no sense, not with Peterson hurt and the Panthers playing good ball.)

Pick: Panthers

(I know Minnesota's going to win this one, but I'm throwing Keith a bone because I feel bad for him. I had no idea anyone could be that ticklish.)

Keith's Pick: Vikings

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Seahawks (10.5) vs. Rams

Bwahahahahah!! The Rams are complete shit, but Seattle ain't too far behind. Mike Holmgren (the second most overrated coach in the league behind Mike Shanahan) must give really good blowjobs to bookmakers to have them make his Hawks double-digit favorites. Like, REALLY good, porn star quality, deep throat, "I don't forget to suck the balls and I swallow too" blowjobs.

Pick: Rams

(God, I need a blowjob.)

Keith's Pick: Seahawks
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49ers (4.5) vs. Lions

San Fran isn't exactly good, but they're not exactly terrible either. And head coach Mike Nolan wears a goddamned suit on the sidelines. How can you not root for him?

Pick: 49ers

Keith's Pick: Lions

(It's so coooold in tha D...)
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Broncos (5.5) vs. Saints

Broncos have no defense, and they're a bunch of cunts to boot. But they'll win this shootout by a touchdown.

Pick: Broncos

(I hate Denver. It's Vegas for Mormons.)

Keith's Pick: Saints
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Eagles (3.5) vs. Steelers

One of the two best matchups on the schedule this weekend. We'll see if my theory about the Steelers being slightly overrated holds up now that they're finally playing a real team. My guess is it will. Also, fuck DeSean Jackson.

Pick: Eagles

(God, I hate picking the Eagles. I wish I hadn't already called a team a bunch of cunts. Twice would be overkill. That's just too many cunts. There's no way around it.)

Keith's Pick: Steelers
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Colts (5.5) vs. Jaguars

Both teams have banged up offensive lines, and Bob Sanders is out for the Colts. They may pull it out like they did against Minnesota last week, but they won't cover.

Pick: Jaguars

Keith's Pick: Jaguars

(I want to start a punk band and name them Tony Danza's Castration Nightmare. Lord, am I fucked up.)

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Ravens (2.5) vs. Browns

Don't care about this one either.

Pick: Ravens

(Nor do I.)

Keith's Pick: Ravens
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Cowboys (3.5) vs. Packers

This week's other best matchup. I like Aaron Rodgers and I'm rooting for him, but T.O. and Homo are going to destroy that secondary like Plaxico and Toomer did in the NFC Championship Game last January. Maybe even more. Also, fuck Jerry Jones.

Pick: Cowboys

(I live in a world where my two most hated rivals are two of the best teams in the league. I want to pluck the eyebrows of society with tweezers of rage in sheer defiance of the quality of these teams. I want to beat up their fans with a blowdryer and a bathtub.)

Keith's Pick: Cowboys
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Chargers (8.5) vs. Jets

Glad to see Vegas agrees with me that the Jets are frauds. 0-2 San Diego is favored by more than a TD? Awesome! With that steroid freak Merriman out, the Chargers aren't as tough as most thought they'd be on defense, but even so, they should still be 2-0.

Manboobs will have the wrong gameplan as always, Favre will throw 3 INT's, D'Brickashaw Ferguson will get blowed up repeatedly, Tomlinson and Sproles will run all over their horrible defensive line, their new punter will tear his Achilles, and Laverneus Coles will cry some more about Chad Pennington being cut loose. GOD I love football!

Pick: Chargers

Keith's Pick: Jets

(Enjoy the football.)

Updated Week 2 Standings

I get the Chargers win because they covered, so I was 11-4 this week. And because I'm a nice guy I'll let Keith have his 49er "win," even though he clearly picked the Seahawks, as you can read below.

If this goes any further we may have to let the judges weigh in.

Week 2 Standings

So after Hernandez fucked up his math, which is understandable -- he's fatigued from eating asshole casserole at the Republican National Convention -- Hernandez leads 21-10 to my 17-14.
I'm catching up, though.

Stay tuned for reports of my recent 7am soccer bar excursion, and Hernandez's anecdote about how he told Sarah Palin's 7-year old daughter that Mommy's oil policy meant the sky would melt and her dolls would die.

NFL Week 2 Recap

An actual email exchange between Keith and I:

Keith - We both went 10-5. (The Broncos were underdogs, not favorites - but since you said the Chargers would win outright, I gave you a loss.)

Me - Horseshit! I made my picks based on your post, and you had the Broncos as favorites, so the Chargers covered. I don't care if it was technically "wrong." And that doesn't even matter anyway because the Chargers DID win the game! Fuck what the scoreboard and Ed Hochuli say.

So I win. Again. Keith did much better this week at 10-5, but I went 11-4. It's seriously making me consider betting actual money on these games. But I know if I did that I'd start losing, and like all Irishmen, I'm wicked cheap. Guess I'll just have to settle for beating Keith every week.

Now we love the funny at IKH, but I have to be serious when discussing the blown call at the end of Chargers/Broncos this weekend - serious as the heart attack I hope Hochuli has the next time he does bench presses at the gym. The mankissers love hardbodies, but even Mr. Diesel Referee will have a tough time scoring ass on his next trip around the San Diego gay bar circuit.

You know the call was bad because I'm outraged over that shit, and I hate both teams with a deep, irrational passion. But Jesus fucking Christmas this was bad! I watched it live (DVR actually, but same difference) and it was a fumble clear as day. The players all knew it was a fumble too, including Capt. Diabetes, who walked off the field knowing he had pissed the game away. If I was Norv Turner I would've yanked my team from the field right then and there. What would the league have done about that? Probably nothing, the fucking pussies. But I digress...

I don't really mind getting the original call wrong because they have replay to correct it. It's not being able to review it because the whistle was blown that has me fired up. Hey ref, why the fuck are you blowing the whistle for ANYTHING, short of someone being decapitated? (And even then it's debatable.) Who cares if it's an incomplete pass? Just let these animals kill each other!!

Hochuli fucked up big, but Roger Goodell also bears some blame for this partial birth abortion of justice. The refs are instructed to blow the whistle if it's an incomplete pass so that the precious pussy quarterbacks don't get hurt wrestling for what could be a loose ball. First of all, there aren't many QB's in the league who will get into a scrum with real players. Second of all, who cares if a QB gets hurt?! The league will survive. Last I checked, they still played this week even after the Golden Boy came up lame.

And what a week it was! Controversy, comebacks galore, and a whale of a game to close things out on Monday night. I won't write that post about how much I hate the Cowboys and Eagles because I've used up my bile on the bad call, but I do have a thought about the game, which was incredibly entertaining: Someone is going to have to play defense if they want to get to Tampa in January, and I didn't see much of it last night. Hope you enjoyed the video game kiddies!

Also, with Donovan McNabb hurt so much in recent seasons, I had almost forgotten how much fun it is to watch him choke a game away and then point fingers at his teammates. Welcome back Donovan! It could've been worse - you could've vomited on the field again.

Lastly, something tells me things aren't going to end well with St. Brett and Eric Manboobs. It's two weeks in a row now that the fucking nobody coach who thinks he's somebody took the air out of the ball and refused to let Favre win the game for them. Which is fine by me because I hate Favre AND the Jets. But it's gonna cost the coach his job before it's all said and done. Getcha popcorn ready! Extra butter for Eric, of course.

Hernandez Week 2 Picks

While Keith sleeps one off following an early-morning Carlsberg breakfast (Breakfast of Champions anyone?) and braces for the scorn from his mother, I'll sneak in my NFL picks for the week.

I'm not sure yet if Week 1 was beginners luck, or if I really do know more about football than my compadre. Probably a little of both. But this week seems harder to pick than last week, so I ain't ready to talk smack just yet.

Rams vs. Giants (5.5)

Have I mentioned that I think the Giants will make it back to the Super Bowl this season? Oh, I have? Well get used to it, because I ain't backing off. Call me a homer if you'd like, but the fact is this is one of the youngest, most talented, best coached teams in the league. If people don't want to recognize it they're just biased and fucking blind. That said, St. Louis will play tough for a half this week before the superior team pulls away.

Pick: Giants

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Jets (2.5) vs. Patriots

Suddenly the Jets are favored over the Pats and are supposed to be the team to beat in the AFC East? Ha! Life is cruel, and Jets fans know it better than anyone. New England wins this one by two touchdowns.

Pick: Patriots

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Chiefs (3.5) vs. Raiders

JaMarcus jawon't get it jadone.

Pick: Chiefs

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Jaguars (5.5) vs. Bills

Bills will fight it out with New England for AFC East supremacy this year. I actually believed that even before Brady got hurt. I took them last week and I'm doing it again. Fuck point spreads - they'll probably win it outright.

Pick: Bills

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Panthers (2.5) vs. Bears

Really tough one to call, but I'll ride the Jake train for another week. Especially going up against Orton. Yeah, you got one last week Kyle, but you were playing the Colts, who are going to be mediocre this year. Bu-bye.

Pick: Panthers

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Lions vs. Packers (2.5)

It's times like this I wish I actually bet on games.

Pick: Packers

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Redskins (1.5) vs. Saints

Total hunch, but Washington is more physical and plays in a better division than New Orleans, and I think Portis will run all over the Saints. But thank Palin we don't have another fucking hurricane or a dead safety to worry about this week, so we don't have to pretend to feel sorry for either of these two loser franchises and their lowlife fans for a week.

Pick: Redskins

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Bengals vs. Titans (1.5)

Kerry Collins is the most underrated NYG quarterback of all time (even if that's not saying much), and he's definitely better than Mr. Suicide. With that D, Tennessee should roll over the Paper Tigers.

Pick: Titans

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Seahawks (8.5) vs. 49ers

Seattle is overrated every year because they play in a horrible division. Add in the injuries this year and we're looking at something like 6-10. This spread is WAY too high, and Keith is wrong - San Fran's not THAT bad.

Pick: 49ers

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Vikings vs. Colts (2.5)

As I said last week, I'm definitely not sold on the Vikes. As I said above, the Colts are mediocre. Whose cuisine will reign supreme?

Pick: Colts

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Cardinals (6.5) vs. Dolphins

I'll keep saying it: Pennington be damned (and I really can't stand that fuck), the Dolphins are going to be frisky this year. And really, should the Cards be favored over ANYONE by 6.5?

Pick: Dolphins

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Broncos (2.5) vs. Chargers

Chargers rebound against an average Broncos team that only looked good last week because they were playing Oakland. Another outright win for the underdog.

Pick: Chargers

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Buccaneers (7.5) vs. Falcons

Granted, Turner won't run for 550 yards again, but Tampa's got QB problems. They may eek out a win, but Brian Griese is so bad I'm not even willing to give him points this week against Atlanta's rookie QB.

Pick: Falcons

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Browns vs. Steelers (4.5)

Don't love Pittsburgh as much as everyone else, but I'll take them this week.

Pick: Steelers

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Texans (4.5) vs. Ravens

Ike! Ike! Flacco! Flacco!

Pick: Ravens

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Cowboys (6.5) vs. Eagles

I only WISH I had the time to unleash my hatred of both teams right now. Unfortunately, I don't. But it's so great that it deserves its own post, which I'm going to try to write after the MNF game. Until then, just pray that Ike reforms and destroys Texas Stadium with both teams in it Monday night. Yeah!

Pick: Eagles

Pine Tar

Summer is waning, pennant races are coming down to the wire, and the MLB playoffs are just around the corner. So it's time to talk some baseball folks - 1983 baseball!

This past July 24th was the 25th anniversary of the famous George Brett pine tar incident at Yankee Stadium, and ESPN Poker... I mean Classic... replayed the game. I recorded it just to see the famous conclusion, but surprisingly, I watched the entire thing. Here are my seven-week-old thoughts:

John Amirante sang the National Anthem. Amirante is MUCH more famous for singing before Ranger games at MSG, and frankly, I was offended to see my hockey good luck charm sully himself by singing before a baseball game. But as announcer Phil Rizzuto said following Mr. Toupee's rousing performance, "It's always a good day when Amirante comes out to the stadium because he brings us the best cannolis. Holy cow!" I'm not shitting you.

This is weird. The main TV camera in center field is actually to the first base side of the pitcher, not the third base side, so the view is reversed from what we've been used to for the last 20 years. Or maybe it was normal and ESPN Classic just ran the old footage through its system backwards. My money's on that.

Shortstop U.L. Washington leads off for the Royals, complete with the ubiquitously large toothpick he always chewed on. Seriously - this thing looks like a shard from one of those shattered maple bats that are endangering people's lives this season. He's got a mad fro too. U.L. is clearly a bad mama jama, just as fine as he can be.


Damn, these guys just wind up and pitch! Shane Rawley and Budd Black aren't messing around on the mound. Neither are the hitters. None of this adjusting equipment and wandering around the field between every pitch - just rear back and throw. How refreshing.

I should note that the middle of the Yankees lineup is Lou Pinella batting third, and Don Baylor cleanup, followed by Dave Winfield in the five hole. Two of those three are fat fucks - even back then - and the other is Winfield, who wasn't exactly svelte either.

Speaking of Mr. Winfield, he swung out of his shoes and nearly fell down every single time he took a cut in this game. I'm completely serious. He looked like a cartoon character trying to play baseball. Was he like this all the time back then?

I guess it paid off because on this day he hits a huge bomb over the 430 sign in left-center and into Monument Park. Yes, you read that correctly - 430 feet to left-center! And this was AFTER they moved the fences in! When you think about the old dimensions of that stadium, it makes the home run numbers for Ruth, Gehrig, Mantle, DiMaggio, et al that much more impressive. And that will be the last time I ever compliment the Yankees again.

Another testament to how large the outfield dimensions were at Yankee Stadium: Don Baylor legged out a triple in this game. And yes, he looks exactly like he does now. Wrap your mind around that for a second.

I almost forgot...right before Winfield hit his homer, Rizzuto went on an extended riff about how Bobby Murcer used a coffee cup as his spittoon, and guys (meaning, Rizzuto) would always mistake it for their drink. He was really mad about it. When Winny hit the bomb he barely acknowledged it, saying almost as an aside, "Winfield hits it way back, and it's gone. So let me finish my Skoal story..." All of the legends about this guy are true. I grew up in New York City, and trust me, in the 1980's Rizzuto was the ONLY reason to tune in to watch the Yankees. He slayed.

It's interesting to note that the Yankee manager in this game is Billy Martin. It's more interesting to note that the third base coach is Don Zimmer and the first base coach is none other than Yogi Berra.

Brett makes a totally late, dirty slide into second on a double play and no one bats an eyelash. Just good, hard baseball. Swoon.

In the top of the ninth, the Yankees make a defensive substitution for first baseman Ken Griffey. After the substitute, a young player just called up from AAA Columbus named Don Mattingly, makes an amazing diving catch, Rizzuto says, "I don't know who he is, but this kid Mattingly obviously doesn't want to be sent back down to the farm." You don't say!

With Kansas City down 4-3 in the ninth, Goose Gossage comes in to face Brett with one on, two outs. Brett crushes one to right field for a 5-4 lead, then all hell breaks loose.

You know the story, but what you may not know is that - to his credit - Billy Martin was all over the umps about the pine tar right away. He was pleading his case literally before Brett crossed home plate. My research shows that the Yankees allegedly noticed how much pine tar Brett had on his bat during a game earlier that season in K.C., and they were waiting for the right moment to bust him for it. It was fantastic gamesmanship.

The other great part is that in those chaotic moments when Brett was being restrained from killing the home plate umpire, Royals pitcher Gaylord Perry sneakily grabbed Brett's bat and ran full speed through the visiting dugout into the clubhouse so he could avoid having it examined further. The TV broadcast ended with stadium security and NYPD officers literally chasing Perry into the bowels of the stadium. Now THAT'S a way to end a game.

The lesser known postscript to the story is that when the AL overruled the umps and the game eventually resumed three weeks later, Billy Martin was so outraged that he started Mattingly at second base and pitcher Ron Guidry in center field as a "fuck you" to the league. Which only goes to prove the old baseball adage that alcoholics make the best managers.

In conclusion, this was easily the best baseball game I watched in 2008.

Keith's Week 2 Football Picks

I thought I'd post my Week 2 Picks on Thursday night, as I have to go bed at sunset tomorrow to get ready for my early Saturday morning soccer game. Nothing's really happening in baseball - the Mets look like shoo-ins to win their division and make the playoffs (jinx please work jinx please work - Noonan! NoonanNoonan!).

Here we go. I've listed the home team first, and the point spread after the favored team.

Rams vs. Giants (5.5)

Who's the New York team that chokes against crappy teams? J-E-T-S Bretts Bretts Bretts! The Giants will make this one a yawner. Mow your lawn. Or your eyebrows.

Pick: Giants


Jets (2.5) vs. Patriots

So Tom Brady goes down with a bad knee after giving Gisele a Roman Helmet, and the media goes nuts. Brett Favre was still born during the LBJ administration, and they barely beat the Dolphins (1-15 last year) last week. Don't get me wrong, Brett Favre still has it. And by "it", I mean the issue of AARP magazine I anonymously sent him last week.

Pick: Patriots


Chiefs (3.5) vs. Raiders

Last week, the Chiefs almost beat the vaunted New England Patriots, and the Raiders got blown out. Don't you people watch movies? The Chiefs will underestimate the Raiders, and the Raiders will eat them alive. Or, at least, barely beat the spread in one of the most unwatchable games to ever be aired. Why do people love football again?

Pick: Raiders

Jaguars (5.5) vs. Bills

I'm superstitious. Last week I picked the Bills because Tim Russert loved the Bills and they upset Seattle. Ride it like a train to Candyland until you have enough candy, or enough land.

Pick: Bills

Panthers (2.5) vs. Bears

Last week, the Bears pulled off a convincing upset of the Colts. Two years ago, I made the drive from Indianapolis to Chicago. Indy was in a new stadium, and let's face it: they're much better than the Bears. But Peyton Manning's been hurt after massaging brother Eli's nipples in the Oreo commercials.

The Bears face a prepared team this week, and they're gonna get carpet-bagged.

Pick: Panthers

Lions vs. Packers (2.5)

If the Lions can indiscriminately turn into actual Lions, they have a chance in this one. Otherwise, this one's a no-brainer. The Packers were a 13-3 team last year, and only missed the Super Bowl because of Brett Favre. Meanwhile, here's the best thing to come out of Detroit in the last year:



Pick: Packers

Redskins (1.5) vs. Saints

Even though the Saints lost their best receiver last week, it's hurricane season, and these things are to be expected. But they're playing in Washington. And until the new Redskins coach Jim Zorn overcomes the fear of calling a timeout late in the game and giving his team a chance, I'm pretty sure on this one.

Pick: Saints

Bengals vs. Titans (1.5)

So this week Tennessee Titans QB Vince Young went Romper Room. After throwing his second interception last week, he refused to go back in the game. On Monday, he went AWOL for several hours, with an "unloaded" gun in his car. Two days later, his mother said he didn't want to play football anymore.

The thing is: Vince Young sucks. And last year, the Bengals set a record for most starting players with felony arrests. I know where I'd rather put my money.

Pick: Titans

Seahawks (8.5) vs. 49ers

Anything bad that could've happened to the Seahawks has happened to the Seahawks. Their quarterback, running back, and all their receivers are injured. *That's* how bad the 49ers are.

Pick: Seahawks

Vikings vs. Colts (2.5)

Last week, the Colts couldn't stop the Bears running attack. News flash: the Bears *have* no running attack. The Colts just suck this year. Meanwhile, the Vikings have Adrian Peterson, the most exciting back in the league.

I don't know if the Vikings can win this one, because their QB Tavaris Jackson is scarily uneven, like Dennis Hopper from Blue Velvet uneven. But for every Dennis Hopper, there's a Dean Stockwell serenading us with Roy Orbison covers.

Pick: Vikings

Cardinals (6.5) vs. Dolphins

Just because. Ivy grows up, shit goes down. You don't want either one.

Pick: Cardinals

Broncos (2.5) vs. Chargers

I suffered karmic damage from Hernandez by calling San Diego running back LaDainian Tomlinson 'LT' last week, a nickname reserved for Giants HOF Lawrence Taylor. My bad. But that BLT was awesome.

Pick: Broncos

Buccaneers (7.5) vs. Falcons

When Tampa plays Atlanta, stay away from the tailgate and check Youtube the next morning for good ol' Southern boys playing Demolition Dumbass.

Note to Delta Air: Atlanta was burned in 1864 and bombed in 1996. Maybe you need a new hub?
Pick: Buccaneers


Browns vs. Steelers (4.5)

Until the Browns win a Super Bowl, I'll be convinced they were named after heroin. So they'll have a kickass time on Sunday, which is all we 9-5ers can hope for, isn't it? (Not heroin, but the kickass time.)

Pick: Steelers

Texans (4.5) vs. Ravens

Ok, the heroin.

Pick: Texans

Cowboys (6.5) vs. Eagles

As a lifelong Giants fan, I'll let Hernandez provide the commentary for the two most hated rivals facing off.

Pick: Cowboys

Liverpool vs. Manchester United

The beauty of cable and the internet is that I've been able to reimmerse myself in soccer, the first sport I loved. I've selected Liverpool as my team, and this Saturday morning they take on Manchester United, the Celine Dion of Premier League Soccer. While Chelsea is probably the team that most EPL fans love to hate (suck it, Barclays), my team is Man U. They're sponsored by AIG, for Palin's sake. (Liverpool is sponsored by Carlsberg - glug, glug.)

The game is at 7:45 a.m. and is not being televised by Fox Sports Soccer, which means I'll be waking up earlier than I do for my job to go to a bar and watch a game of futbol. And I'm pretty fucking excited. From my experience three weeks ago, soccer fans are a good crowd to be in a bar with. I even shared a smoke with a couple visiting from England who hate Liverpool but were very pleasant about it.

I have low hopes for Liverpool this weekend - captain and star midfielder Steven Gerrard is probably out, and star striker Fernando Torres, who is Liverpool's entry for Regrettable Haircut, is questionable. And then there's the karma. It's my mother's birthday, and she'll be none too pleased to hear I was in a bar at 7:45 a.m. Easy, easy...I'm visiting her the following weekend. Provided, of course, she takes me to a soccer bar so I can see them play Stoke City. But come on -- it's not until 10 a.m.

FOOTBALL RECAP, WEEK 1

Well, THAT went Well. Week 1 record: Keith: 6-10, Hernandez: 11-5. I don't care. It's just nice to have football back this weekend.

Highlights, for me.

The Giants needed one quarter to remember that their primary goal is to cause Giants fans to poop ulcers. They won, but Eli Manning needs to stop looking like he'd rather be eating ice cream and watching Charly.

The debut of Aaron Rodgers in Green Bay. Replacing Brett Favre, he had a solid game and didn't look nervous in front of the Green Bay fans, who without the Packers would spend all their money on Oxycontin.

Tom Brady getting hurt. This greatly increases the chances of a Gisele Bundchen-related sex tape. Chances of Bridget Moynihan walking in and getting involved are still pretty slim, however.

Titans' quarterback Vince Young freaking out. His team won, beat a better Jacksonville team, but he's already buckling under pressure. I'm telling you it sounds sadistic it but there's a reason people slow down on the highway to check out car fires and pile-ups. We're looking for grisly stuff, too. Well, except Matthew McConaughey - he thinks to himself, "Saaaay...are there any sexy daymes I can res-cue?"

Lowlights:

The Jets/Dolphins game. It was absolutely excruciatingly boring to watch. Favre did well, Pennington did fine in his Miami debut, but the game was so poorly played. As the Jets did everything they could to hand the game away in the second half, I'll admit it was priceless seeing Favre's facial expression, which read: 'Wait...what the fuck is going on? What have I signed up for?'

Time Warner Cable: Still doesn't offer an NFL package, so if you love watching football, and don't want to watch the Jets, you...can go to a bar. Then you have to deal with a bunch of financial services pricks and their waify superficial girlfriends. Maybe that's because I live in the East Village.

Anyway, we'll be posting more while I figure out how to lodge a space bar up Hernandez's ass so he can still write coherent posts while his thumb's up there.

Keith's picks, Week 1

Hey Hernandez - it's good to have you back in the fold. Nothing like a new football season and Sarah Palin's tits in fall. I can't wait till she breastfeeds during the debate:

I'll leave my pick discourse light this week, but here they are:

Giants (-4) over Redskins. Yes, I did pick this before it happened. Yes, Eli Manning will cause many heart attacks again this year - he threw one interception and should've thrown three more.

Jets (-3) over Dolphins. Once again, Chad Pennington will be trying to make the Jets lose, only this time he's in the wrong uniform.

Bengals (-1.5) over Ravens. Ravens QB Kyle Boller is out for the season. This is probably a good thing for Baltimore, but wait...nothing ever good happens to Baltimore.

Patriots (-15.5) over Chiefs. Really, Hernandez? the Chiefs? Sucker.

Steelers (-6.5) over Texans. I swear, I made these picks before I saw they all disagreed with Hernandez'. Early season buzz is that the Steelers are back, baby. I hate them, but they're always great at home, and they only have to win by a touchdown.

Jaguars (-3) over Titans. The Titans are a physical team with Lamar from 'Revenge of their Nerds' as their quarterback. Jacksonville's quarterback David Garrard is an enormous man who could eat the Titan's quarterback.

Lions (-1) over Falcons. Nobody cares.

Bills (-1) over Seahawks. Tim Russert was a Bills fan, so they should make the playoffs this year. It'd be the right thing to do.

Saints (-3) over Buccaneers. The Saints were amazing two years ago and pathetic-to-mediocre last year. Alcoholism skips generations, and I'm betting Saints football skips years.

Rams (+7.5) over Eagles. Fuck the Eagles. I used to root for this team. The Rams are much better than last year, when their entire offensive line was injured.

Cowboys (-5.5) over Browns. Jessica Simpson is my favorite player on either side.

Chargers (-9.5) over Panthers. LT, LT, LT. LT. Gonna eat a BLT during this one and listen to Public Image, LTD.

Cardinals (-2.5) over 49ers. Yawn.

Colts (-9.5) over Bears. I hope this one turns out the other way. But have you been to Indianapolis? There's nothing else going for that city. Not even the speedway.

Vikings (+2.5) over Packers. I like Adrian Peterson for all the reasons that Hernandez doesn't. I'm also rooting against Aaron Rodgers because you'd have to be a fool to step into Brett Favre's shoes.

Raiders (+3) over Broncos. I can't stand the Broncos, probably because of their insufferable coach Mike Shanahan. Plus, the Raiders are true scum - they may up and mass murder one of their opponents one week. That'd be news.

I Am Indeed Ready For Some Football

Tis the season to be jolly, because it's finally the season to watch grown men beat the ever-lovin' shit out of each other on the gridiron again. Fuck off and die, baseball!

Our 3 readers have probably noticed this blog has been dormant lately following a scintillating start. But don't blame Keith. He probably would've popped his head up more often if I had been around to give him good ideas to steal. Unfortunately I've been mostly unavailable in recent weeks because of three people: Barack Obama, John McCain and my new daughter. Now none of them are getting my vote in November.

(Interesting factoid: Little Cocaine was juuust edged out by Sarah Palin for the veep spot, on account of the fact that her tits aren't as big as the governor's. Someday sweetie, someday.)

So, yeah... about the blog. Football and the Premiership are underway, hockey and hoops are just around the corner, and even boring ass baseball is entering the only 6 weeks of the year it can consistently hold my interest. So we here at I'm Keith Hernandez are ready to kick it into another gear. Or at least first gear, considering we've been idling for two months now.

IKH v2.0 is primed for the real sports season to start, beginning with tonight's NFL opener starring my World Champion New York Football Giants in the role of a bullet, and the Washington Redskins in the role of Sean Taylor's femoral artery. Keith and I are real men who have decided to do weekly picks this year. Hopefully we'll be able to come up with some meaningful stakes over drinks some night at IKH's Manhattan outpost. Until then you'll just have to settle for amazing insight, wisdom and dick jokes. And now the picks!

Giants (-4) over Redskins

If this line were 20 I'd still take the G-Men, who will crush the Native American pussies by three scores. Hard as it is to believe, Washington was actually a playoff team last year. How did that happen? I have no idea. This team sucks, the QB sucks, and with a new head coach and offensive system, they will be even worse this year. Jason Taylor should be an upgrade over the dead Sean Taylor, but not by much. Giants, meanwhile, will roll to a second straight Super Bowl title.

(Ed note: This was obviously written before Thursday's game. While I was wrong about it being a blowout, anyone who saw it knows who dominated the game. Also, I still got the pick right, and I'm an honest guy to boot for not changing my post after the fact. Top that, bitch.)

Dolphins (+3) over Jets

Miami will play its ass off at home for Parcells. Hell, they even played their asses off last year when they were going nowhere. I see them as being a semi-sleeper this year. Not sleeper playoff caliber, but sleeper 8-8.

Favre will make the Jets better, but only by a little. NY spent a buttload of cash on old and washed up players (Faneca, Woody, Jenkins) and another guy who has never proven anything in the league (Calvin Pace.) Their top pick, Vernon Gohlston, is an athletic freak who doesn't know how to play football. Same thing with their top pick from two years back, D'Brickashaw Ferguson, who despite his amazing name is as soft as a tampon. I love hating the Jets.

Ravens (+1.5) over Bengals

Speaking of soft, meet the Cincinnati Bengals. For a team of world class criminals and scumbags, you'd think they would play tougher. I guess they save it for their women. They'll dissapoint again this year.

Every year I expect the Ravens to slip, and they have to a degree, but that D is always tough, and I have no doubt in my mind if these two teams were cellmates, the Bengals would be the ones taking it up the ass.

Chiefs (+15.5) over Patriots

Chiefs will suck again, but this spread is too big for Week 1, when most teams are still working out the kinks and don't play sharp. Also, this isn't last year. Giants shattered the cloak of invincibility, and New England has a terrible secondary. The Pats will win their division again, but they're going to have to win a lot of shootouts to get there.

Texans (+6.5) over Steelers

Pittsburgh's offensive line isn't what it once was, and Big Ben is bound to get hurt again. Seems like they were doing it with smoke and mirrors last season. Call it a hunch, but I see them tailing off a bit this year.

Texans could be improved. I like Schaub (if he stays healthy) and their receivers, and Mario Williams is the real deal. I have witnesses who heard me trash Reggie Bush before the draft, and I love shoving it in their faces.

Jaguars (-3) over Titans

Titans are a solid, physical team, but the Jags are for real and will win it by at least a touchdown.

Lions (-1) over Falcons

Jesus - who fucked the Football God's wife? Fess up, because the rest of us don't deserve this crap.

Bills (-1) over Seahawks

I hate everything about those frontrunning, glass-jawed Seahawks. Can't win on the road, and they play in the worst division in football. Also, Matt Hasselbeck's sister-in-law is The View's Elizabeth Hasselbeck, whose company I had the distinct displeasure of being in a few days ago. Whereas in the past she was just some idiot TV conservative who I mostly ignored (but wouldn't mind fucking), now she may be my most hated person on the planet (who I'd definitely still fuck.) I'll explain more another day.

Bills are going to sneak up on people like OJ surprised Ron and Nicole.

Saints (-3) over Buccaneers

Don't like either team, but New Orleans' O is going to be good. Hope you tear an ACL Shockey.

Eagles (-7.5) over Rams

The Eagles are the most overrated team in football, but these are the Rams we're talking about, playing on the road in front of the crazed hordes of subhuman lowlifes that fill whatever they call that stadium that isn't the Vet. Philly gets to feel good for one week at least.

Cowboys (-5.5) over Browns

My hatred of the Boys is overwhelming, so I'll bite my tongue.

Panthers (+9) over Chargers

LaDanian Tomlinson will come back to earth this year, Philip Rivers is a cunt, and Steroid Boy Shawn Merriman is hurt. The Whale's Vagina are a fashionable Super Bowl favorite, but this spread is too big. Plus, I love Jake the Snake.

(BTW, if anyone ever calls Tomlinson LT on this site, there will be hell to pay. I don't feel the need to explain why.)

Cardinals (-2.5) over 49ers

Arizona has talent, but they'll do something to fuck things up before it's all said and done. Still, I'll take them this week over the suck-ass San Franciscans.

Colts (-9.5) over Bears

Do I have to say anything other than Kyle Orton?

Packers (-2.5) over Vikings

Green Bay will survive the exodus of St. Brett because the rest of the team is better than people think. I'm actually rooting for Aaron Rodgers just to spite all of the Favre ass kissing. Also, I'm not sold on the Vikes. Tavaris Jackson is a complete enigma, and Adrian Peterson is being crowned waaay too soon. He's based his whole reputation on like 5 good games last year. The rest of the time he was either average or injured. Can't explain why I don't like him - I just don't.

Raiders (+3) over Broncos

Denver is another team I have an irrational hatred of. I just spent a week there, and honestly, it's a shitty city. Sure, the mountains are beautiful and all, but here's the dirty little secret about Denver - it's not actually IN the mountains! It's on the high plains NEAR the Rockies, but as for the actual city, it may as well be Indianapolis with a pretty backdrop. What does this have to do with football? Nothing. But I hate Jay Cutler and Mike "The Most Overrated Coach in the NFL" Shanahan, and I like to see dirtbags like Oakland beat up on pretty boys like the Broncos. So there.

Your move Keith.