Odds, Sods, and a Pick

There's so much shit going down in sports, so here's the part where I do a lame wrapup instead of buckling down and writing a focused post on one topic. This might wind up all over the map, making it hard to respond to, but it's fun to write and hopefully fun to read, so bite me.

First off, Keith finished last week with a 5-11 record in the ongoing NFL picks battle. I, on the other hand, went 10-6. Woo-hoo! That means I'm finally back in the lead for the season, 92-84 to his 89-87. I fully expect this to change over the next few weeks. I torched my main man last week, but he could kill me this week, so who the fuck knows anything? All I know is we're both over .500 for the year, and that's really all that matters. That, and that fact that my Donovan's bacon cheeseburger with fried onions, medium rare, is going to taste even sweeter since I won't be paying for it.

Since we're talking picks, here's my Thursday Night Special. It's like a Saturday Night Special, only instead of it being a cheap firearm used by street punks to hold people up for money, it's a football game played by street punks that Vegas is using to hold people up for money, at least if you go by the spread in this one. Which is...

CHARGERS (9.5) vs. Raiders

WHAT?!! The Chargers are favored by 9.5? The 4-8 Chargers? The ones coached by Norv Turner?! This can't be right, can it? Oakland is only a game behind San Diego, and unlike those pussies from the Whale's Vagina, they don't actually have any talent on their roster. (Except for that kooky African DB whose name I can't pronounce and who I've never seen make a play because no one throws at him. He's been getting a ton of pub this season, and I really can't tell if it's warranted or not. My guess is it's not.) The Raiders flat out suck, but the Chargers have been inexcusable this season. I hope whining LaDanian Tomlinson breaks both his legs and an arm just for stealing his nickname from LT. I've been over this before.

Pick: Raiders

I'll have the rest sometime before 1pm Sunday.

------------------------------

So what else is going on in football this week? Not much except that whole Plaxico Burress thing. I don't know what to add except that I'm not surprised it's come to this. We all knew Plax was a dick when we signed him, and now those chickens have come home to roost. I could go on and on about how he's soiled the Giants image and brought embarrassment to the league, and it would all be true, but here's what really matters: they got a Super Bowl championship out of him. The Giants made a deal with the devil and they won. Hey, sometimes you're Jimmy Page, and sometimes you're Steve Vai.

BTW, Jerry Reese once again proved his genius by barely offering any guaranteed money in that huge contract Plax signed on opening day, so now when the Giants cut him in the offseason he won't kill their cap. That's some black on black crime I can get used to.

Speaking of miscreants, howzabout that Starbury fellow? Mark this down: I don't care what Mike D'Antoni does in his Knicks career, and I don't care how badly it ends for him - he will ALWAYS be in my good graces for refusing to allow Marbury to ever wear a Knicks uniform again. Always. I've never hated an athlete more than I hate that fucker, and it was killing me that he was on my team. Thankfully D'Antoni realized the same thing and put his neck on the line by benching him.

And don't believe that bullshit story about D'Antoni offering Steph a chance to play after the Crawford and Randolph trades. That was a smart play by coach because he knew Marbury would turn the offer down and they'd have even more ammo to justify getting rid of his ass. I've gotta say, D'Antoni doesn't look or sound Italian, but with that shrewd mob move, he proved he's a true paisan.

The story of Marbury is even more sad when you think about the fact that he's actually from NYC, a born and bred Knicks fan from the Coney Island projects. I can see fucking over the Nets and the Timberwolves and the Suns because of your pathological selfishness - nobody cares about those goobers - but how do you do your own boys like that Steph? The Garden WANTED to love you, but you just couldn't help yourself. Your lasting legacy in New York will be hitting up Knicks intern Kathleen Decker (pictured below) with the immortal pickup line, "Get in the truck." And she DID! Sluts are awesome.


(Someone in my wife's family who went to high school with Marbury says he was always big on getting blowjobs from chubby white chicks. So I guess he and I aren't as different as I thought. See how I just found that common ground, even with a man I professed to hate? I'm fantastic.)

On the NBA fantasy tip, I'm glad to see Keith take some control over the team this week. Jeez, did I have to do EVERYTHING? It wasn't enough that I drafted a whole bunch of Knicks; I also had to get LeBron James. And Tim Duncan. And Derrick Rose and Kevin Durant. And those Knicks are doing well too, despite Keith's objections. Wait, why does Beef Wennington suck so bad again? It doesn't make any sense. I thought we'd be awesome without even having to make an effort (which I haven't made.) There's probably a reason we're doing so poorly, but fucked if I've had time to figure out what it is. But anyway, excellent trades and pickups by Keith. I think.

What else... I've picked the wrong year to stop following the Premiership as closely as I used to. Keith and I just started this blog, so I know it's probably killing him to not be talking more English soccer. But please, go right ahead Keith. I enjoy it, and not following the league doesn't mean I can't make absolutely definitive arguments about it.

Either way, it kills me just as much to not talk hockey, which is my favorite sport along with football. But indulge me for just a second. Have you heard about this latest Sean Avery thing? He's been suspended indefinitely by the league for telling a television interviewer in Calgary, "It's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds." He was taking a dig at Calgary defenseman Dion Phaneuf, who is now dating Avery's ex - and total piece of ass - Elisha Cuthbert. Avery has also been with SI swimsuit model Rachel Hunter, who is now with a member of the LA Kings. (That's a hockey team. I don't blame you for not knowing that.)

I don't really have much to add except THIS is why I wish Avery were still a Ranger. Also, it's completely fucking ridiculous for anyone to get suspended for saying something like this. Isn't that a violation of Avery's free speech? If I were him I'd fight it all the way to the Canadian equivalent of the Supreme Court, if those socialist bastards actually had a court system. (Do they? I don't know anything about Canada except they love hockey and beer, and you can get really good pot in Vancouver. Am I missing anything?)

Anyway, the whole point of this rant is I needed an excuse to say, "Come back Sean Avery. We miss you," and to show a photo of slutty hockey groupie Elisha Cuthbert.


Just to bring it all back full circle, I loved Keith's last post about the Jets. He hasn't lived in NYC long enough to know the heartache that team can cause, but he seems to be catching on. The bad karma knows no bounds.

The link to the Fake Spike game was a great idea too, if the link had actually worked. No matter - I remember watching that game live and loving every minute of it. Marino's a prick, but how can you not love that? Pure genius. The only downside to that play is that it's since led to 15 years of guys faking the Fake Spike, and no one ever having the balls to actually do the full Fake Spike by throwing the damn ball. C'mon, almost half the league is playing out the string right now - can't someone throw caution to the wind and try to pull this thing off? I promise we won't think you're unoriginal if it works.

Backtracking just a second to the bad link thing, I remember now that the George Brett YouTube link from a few weeks back didn't work either. What the hell happened in that video? I bet if we made improvements to this site we could include a whole bunch of media to make these posts better. Someone should get on that, stat.