Hernandez Week 15 Picks

Yeah, yeah, I've been sick all week. I'll spare you the boring details. But Keith's jibe about getting a papercut from Readers Digest was really funny because I actually DO get Readers Digest in the mail! I'm not entirely sure how, but I think when my parents got my wife a subscription to another magazine a couple of years ago as a Christmas present, Readers Digest was included in the deal free of charge. Smart move by them, because who the fuck would ever pay for that rag? Their articles suck, and their much lauded "jokes" have - along with Jay Leno - led to the neutering of an entire generation's sense of humor. (Actual examples below.)

Anyway, I don't ever read it, but it still comes every month. My dad has long since stopped asking me if I had caught a particular article in that month's issue. But my wife made the mistake of saying she had once, so now he asks her about it every single month. And she always has an answer for him. I think she reads the damn thing just because she knows he's going to ask her if she did, and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. It's really very sweet. And that's the closest we'll come to "endearing" on this site ever again.

Before I get to the picks, here's some housekeeping that probably only interests me. I won last week with a 9-7 record, while Keith put up a 5-11 again. Ouch! Keith had me on the ropes there at midseason, but I've taken command again with a 101-91 record to his 94-98. Still, it's not over yet. Keith is very calculating and competitive. On the flip side, when the big games really mean something I start to root and I let my heart get in the way of my head. So I'm fully capable of blowing this lead. Either way, Keith and I are each getting a delicious fucking burger.

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BEARS (3.5) vs Saints

Keith went over this one already, and nice job by him stealing the game on the Internet. I heartily endorse that. I just wanted to point out that most books had this spread at 3 by gametime, not 3.5. If that had been the case in our contest I would've lost the pick, but we go by Keith's work pool spreads. So to that guy who runs Keith's work pool who's either a really cool, sympathetic guy or a gigantic fucking asshole, "Thanks!"

Pick: Saints

Readers Digest Joke #1: Halfway through dinner one night, our friend Jim told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman.
"Did you play sports in college, Mike?" his wife then asked me.
"Yes," I answered.
"I was on West Point's shooting team."
"That's great," she said, appropriately impressed. "Offense or defense?"

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COWBOYS (3.5) vs Giants

Keith couldn't be more right about how awesome it is to watch a team you despise implode in public. I've visited a few Cowboys blogs this week just to have a laugh, and it's been well worth it. They're either burying their heads in the sand or making wild claims about a media conspiracy to take down the Cowboys. Outstanding.

I've posted my theory on T.O. before, right? That he's gay? Not gay as in, "Fuck that faggot T.O." Gay as in, "He literally is a closeted homosexual." (Although to be fair, fuck that faggot T.O.) I sincerely believe the severe psychological stress of having to live his life in the closet is what leads to all of his public outbursts. First he threw Jeff Garcia under the bus, then publicly accused him of being gay. Projecting much, T.O.? Then he abruptly turned on Donovan McNabb like only someone spurned sexually can do. And really now, doesn't McNabb seem a little gay too? He's not linked with any females except his mother, and he turned into a pussy in the Super Bowl. Hmmmm. Now T.O.'s allegedly jealous that Romo is too close with Jason Whitten? Please, girlfriend.

Pick: Giants

Underrated Giant of the Week: Jeff Feagles. I had to put him here at some point, even though he's not technically underrated because he's widely considered the best directional punter of all time. But I thought he deserved some love anyway. If he blows the game with a blocked kick or a return TD this week you can just shoot me.

Readers Digest Joke #2: My mother began getting calls from men who misdialed the similar number of an escort service. Mom, who had had her number for years, asked the telephone company to change the organization's number. They refused. The calls kept coming day and night.
Finally, Mom began telling the gentlemen who called that the company had gone out of business. Within a week, the escort service voluntarily changed its number.

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JETS (7.5) vs Bills

Trust me on this - the Bills have always been the Jets nemesis. The Jets got some revenge earlier this year, but I think Buffalo is catching these guys at the right time. Eric Manboobs always panics when he's in a tight spot, and this is the tightest it's ever been for him, except for when he tried to put on his old wedding suit earlier this year. Could we be seeing the Jets make a Mets-like collapse? God I hope so.

Pick: Bills

Readers Digest Joke #3: Trying to explain to our five-year-old daughter how much computers had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.
Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, “How big was the mouse?”

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Packers (1.5) vs JAGUARS

I hate this game because it forces me to choose between two teams who I swore I would never pick again this season. Both of these gutless punks quit weeks ago, and now I've got to favor one over the other? That blows. Cousin Sal from the Kimmel show had a great line about this game: "I think that spread moves once Fred Taylor bets the Packers."

Pick: Packers (even though they suck)

Readers Digest Joke #4: My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone. Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool.
Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."

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COLTS (16.5) vs Lions

The Colts still aren't as good as they have been in recent years, but they're hot right now, and due for another offensive explosion.

Pick: Colts

Readers Digest Joke #5: A buddy of mine, Mike, had season tickets to the Detroit Lions football games. Last year they had such a miserable record that he couldn't give away two tickets to a game he wasn't able to attend. While parking at a mall, he decided to leave the tickets under his windshield wiper. "And that worked?" I asked.
"Not exactly," said Mike. "I returned to find six more tickets to the same game."

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Redskins (6.5) vs BENGALS

Every dog has its day, right? No, I'm not talking about the underdog Bengals - they fucking suck! I'm talking about the vastly overrated Redskins, who had people in Washington creaming their dockers only a couple of weeks ago, before the bottom fell out once teams realized all they had to do to win was gang up on Clinton Portis. Yep, the Jason Campbell Era was fun while it lasted, but it's just not going to work out. Sorry D.C. - can't you just be happy with Doug Williams being your franchise's only great black QB? Still, as I said, every dog has its day...

Pick: Redskins

Readers Digest Joke #6: It is so rare to be offered a meal on airlines these days that I was surprised to hear the flight attendant ask the man sitting in front of me,
"Would you like dinner?"
"What are my choices?" he responded.
"Yes or no," she said.

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FALCONS (2.5) vs Buccaneers

The Falcons are so underrated they've become overrated. Even so, I'm taking them at home by a field goal over a Tampa team that looked like a JV squad on defense last Monday night. I think the Tampa D is solid but unspectacular, and also really old, which tends to be a problem the later it gets in the season. (I'm talking to you Ronde Barber.) Getting a steady diet of Michael Turner this week ain't going to fix what ails them.

Pick: Falcons

Readers Digest Joke #7: My boyfriend and I met online and we’d been dating for over a year. I introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up.
Ever the geek, Hans naïvely replied, “I just used a regular 56K modem.”

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DOLPHINS (6.5) vs 49ers

The Dolphins will win this game, but the 49ers will cover. San Fran has been rock solid since Singletary whipped his cock out, and nearly all of Miami's games have been close. BTW, did I call the Miami resurgence this year during my Week 1 picks/season preview? I believe I did. All hail Bill Parcells, my ultimate football hero.

Pick: 49ers

Readers Digest Joke #8: This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".
The duck asks “Do you have any grapes"?

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Seahawks (3.5) vs RAMS

When two teams are 2-11, is there ANY possible way to choose between them? I don't think so, except for maybe home field. Don't get me wrong - it's not like St. Louis' corporate enormodome (actually the Edward Jones Dome, which is just a terrible, terrible name) will be rocking and intimidating to the Seahawks, it's just that the Rams will be able to sleep in their own beds, eat their usual meals and fuck their own hos. All those things are pretty important.

Pick: Rams

Readers Digest Joke #9: A passing septic service truck declared "19,500 lbs. of very gross weight."

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Titans (3.5) vs TEXANS

People are getting a little out of control with this Texans thing. They have some talent, and they try real hard, but I sense more than a little whiff of the 2007 Cleveland Browns with this team. I just pray that doesn't mean we have to endure five nationally televised Texans games next year.

Pick: Titans

Readers Digest Joke #10: Fans of '60s music, my 14-year-old daughter and her best friend got front-row tickets to a Peter, Paul and Mary concert. When they returned home, my daughter said, "During the show, we looked back and saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At first we thought the people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience."

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RAVENS (1.5) vs Steelers

HULK SMASH!!!

Pick: Steelers

Readers Digest Joke #11: Even though it was warm outside, the heat was on full blast in my office at the hospital. So I asked our nursing unit secretary to get someone to fix it. This was a one-man job, so I could not figure out why two guys showed up -- until I was handed the maintenance request form. It read "Head nurse is hot."

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PANTHERS (7.5) vs Broncos

Keith's right - the Panthers will be looking ahead to next week at Giants Stadium. Also, can we stop sucking Carolina's dicks over Monday night's blowout? Yes, it was an incredible performance, but it followed three straight weeks of total suckitude. Carolina was playing like shit before last week, so which is the aberration?

Pick: Broncos

Readers Digest Joke #12: One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son Brian noticed that his mother had gone out. In answer to his questions, I told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"
I've always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, Brian," I said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."
Brian nodded, indicating that he understood. Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"

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Chargers (5.5) vs CHIEFS

This is my fourth time writing this, but Chiefs QB Tyler Thigpen is actually pretty good, and he will at least keep this game close against the San Diego pussies. Heck, he may even win it outright if, as I suspect, the Chargers have quit on Norv Turner. Nice knowing ya Norvie boy!

Pick: Chiefs

Readers Digest Joke #13: On a billboard ad for a safe company: "If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault."

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CARDINALS (3.5) vs Vikings

I don't think any of the teams from the NFC North are good, but chalk this one up to the old standby, "The team that needs the game more will most likely play harder." The Vikes certainly NEED this game more than the Cardinals do. And Arizona is still too soft to deal with intense teams. I don't even care that Tavaris Jackson is starting at QB; Minnesota probably wins this by 10.

Pick: Vikings

Readers Digest Joke #14: Just ahead of me in line at the movie theater was a woman with a cell phone glued to her ear, arguing with the ticket vendor.
"That movie can't be sold out!" she shouted. "I'm talking to my boyfriend who's sitting in the theater, and he says there's two empty seats next to him. One ticket, please."
She got her ticket.

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Patriots (7.5) vs RAIDERS

Astute analysis from Keith regarding Mr. Cassell. He could go either way. But the way the game is going to go is that, with New England's season on the line, Bill Belichik will coach the pants off Tom Cable. And no one wants to see Tom Cable without pants.

Pick: Patriots

Readers Digest Joke #15: My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, "Take it, Max," as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon.
Recently, I was traveling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, "I think I'll let Tom drive for a while."
"Tom who?" I asked.
My mother translated for me: "Tom Cruise, of course."

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EAGLES (14.5) vs Browns

For the third week in a row I will quote Warren Sapp on Inside The NFL. This time it was his comment about Andy Reid and how "he can't be trusted to lead his football team if he can't even be trusted to raise his kids the right way." Unfuckingbelievable. And the Browns will cover.

BTW, if there's any show Keith should be stealing it's Inside The NFL. Sapp, Collinsworth and Simms are awesome, and the NFL Flims highlight packages are beyond words. The best part is the audio, with players and coaches fully miked up so you can hear what they're saying to each other on the line of scrimmage and on the sidelines. Simply put - you're not a real football fan if you don't watch this shit.

Pick: Browns

Readers Digest Joke #16: Turning 50 two years ago, I took a lot of good-natured ribbing from family and friends. So as my wife's 50th birthday approached, I decided to get in some needling of my own. I sat her down, looked deep into her eyes, then said I had never made love to anyone who was over 50 years old.
"Oh, well, I have," she deadpanned. "It's not that great."

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What a Sunday this is shaping up to be. Jets/Bills at 1pm, Steelers/Ravens at 4pm, and Giants/Cowboys at 8pm. And I will see none of it live because I have to go get a fucking Christmas tree and then go fucking Christmas shopping while I battle the fucking degenerate crowds of South Brooklyn. Fuck.

Thank god for the DVR, which might literally catch fire tomorrow from recording 12 straight hours of pigskin. But it'll all be worth it if the Giants beat the Cowboys. Getcha popcorn ready!