Hernandez Week 16 Picks

I've got nothing this week. Ain't that a bitch? I'm not down on sports. On the contrary, sports is an amazingly welcome respite from a busy work schedule and another rote Christmas season. It's just that I don't have the energy to write much this week. But I suppose I'll do it anyway because I love you all, because God would want me to if he actually existed, and because as a married man I'm used to faking it.

Keith went 7-9 last week while I went 9-7.

We're going to Giants/Panthers on Sunday night, come snow, sleet, rain, hail, hell, high water or any combination of the above. It will be glorious.

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Thursday

Colts (6.5) vs JAGUARS

I imagine that Peyton vs. Eli Super Bowl is going to be real annoying for the rest of the country, no?

The Jags were up for a good long while in this game, but then Peyton just turned on the jets. Shit, he was so hot he probably turned on the Jets.

Pick: Colts - I won this one already and Keith didn't.

Keith: Shows you how much Hernandez knows. Peyton brushed up against an NFL record in the first half by completing his first 16 passes. He was consistently great during this game. No, the Colts covered by a measly half a point because the Jaguars' offense hit the stinkhole in the second half.

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COWBOYS (4.5) vs Ravens

This is probably a reach, but I just don't think the Cowboys can handle success.

(Damn NFL Network exclusive! Hopefully there will be a satellite TV at the party Saturday.)

Pick: Ravens

Keith picks the Cowboys. Should be a good game, but never pick a rookie QB on the road in a game with this much magnitude.
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GIANTS (2.5) vs Panthers

The Mother of All NFC Matchups this year. I think the Giants REALLY want this one, and when that happens, look out. Also, let's not underestimate the power of motivation. They've thrived off the "nobody believes in us/we get no respect" stuff, and it's all cropped up again these last two weeks after a season of sloppy blowjobs from the media. The countless columns claiming they're done or they've peaked too early only prove to me - and undoubtedly the Giants - that people really DIDN'T believe in them, but their record was so good everyone had to pretend that they did. All I know is a lot of people sure were quick to jump off that bandwagon. That's about the only kind of pussy I don't like.

Pick: Giants

Underrated Giant of the Week: All of them.

Keith's pick: Giants. I spent $75 on thermals, turtlenecks and wool socks today at Modell's. There's no fricking way in hell that Hernandez and I are going to sit in Giants Stadium and witness a loss. Not a tuna's chance in Whoreville.
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Jets (4.5) vs SEAHAWKS

I fear that the Jets dodged their bullet last week and they'll defy expectations this week by winning for the first time all year out West. Did I really just type that?

Pick: Seahawks

Uh, I pick the Seahawks too. About time for Hernandez to put down 'Flowers for Algernon' and edit his post, bc it damn sure looks like he's picking the Jets.

Keith's pick: Seahawks

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Steelers (1.5) vs TITANS

The Steelers have been incredibly lucky, and they're so due for a letdown.

Pick: Titans

Not a chance. The Steelers are the best team in the AFC right now, and they're playing for the #1 seed. The Titans, I'm afraid, have ejaculated prematurely.

Keith's pick: Steelers
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Dolphins (3.5) vs CHIEFS

Dolphins need it more.

Pick: Dolphins

Great analysis!

Keith's pick: Chiefs
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PATRIOTS (7.5) vs Cardinals

Ditto.

Pick: Patriots

Better analysis! But as it turns out, Hernandez is actually right on this one. The Cardinals are guaranteed the playoffs, where the Patriots are still fighting.

Keith's pick: Patriots
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BROWNS (2.5) vs Bengals

Awwwww, do I HAVE to?

Pick: Bengals

I wish we didn't have to. Betting on this game is as dumb as playing the slots or the lotto. That's why they call it the poor tax.

Keith's pick: Bengals
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BUCCANEERS (3.5) vs Chargers

See Miami and New England.

Pick: Buccaneers

Again, terrible analysis. The Chargers are hanging by a turf-toenail of a limb and need a win. Both teams need it equally. The Bucs will win, but not because they need it more.

Keith's pick: Buccaneers
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Eagles (4.5) vs REDSKINS

Not so sure I believe in this Eagles resurgence, but they'll take this one. They need it more than Washington, who are hurt and in the process of tuning out their rookie head coach. Not a good combination.

Pick: Eagles

Yep. Pick: Eagles.
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49ers (4.5) vs RAMS

This spread is way too low.

Pick: 49ers

Keith twirls his mustache, and realizes that he'll be able to turn Hernandez into a gambling junkie after all.

Pick: 49ers
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VIKINGS (3.5) vs Falcons

Vikings are another team I don't believe in. I'm sick of hearing how great these two Williams guys are in the middle of the D line. They're just fat fucks.

Pick: Falcons - they may not win, but I'll take a cover.

Cool! Keith misinterpreted this one too. Again, a rookie quarterback on the road against a good pass rush in Week 16 is going to lose.

Keith's pick: Vikings

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Saints (6.5) vs LIONS

I'm rooting really, really hard for Detroit because despite all the jokes I make, I don't think a real team with a real history in a real city with real fans deserves to go 0-16. That shit should be reserved for the Tampa's and Houston's of the world.

Pick: Lions

100% agree. Picking the Lions too. And I think they're going to win.
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BRONCOS (5.5) vs Bills

Coin flip.

Pick: Broncos

If the Chargers lose at 1pm (and they should), the Broncos clinch and don't have to try. Meanwhile the Bills have Trent Edwards back, and have given NFL gamblers the equivalent of genital herpes this year. They'll settle all bets.

Keith's pick: Bills
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Texans (6.5) vs RAIDERS

Going into the season I thought the Texans had a chance to be decent, so I picked them a bunch of times early and they burned me. Now I stop picking them and those motherless cocksuckers go on a roll. That's what you get when you put your trust into anything from that cesspool Houston. And just for that, I ain't picking them again even though I know they'll cover this spread. It's win-win; If they cover I can still feel good about standing up for my longstanding anti-Texas principles, and if they lose I win the pick. Bonus!

Pick: Raiders

Ah, sweet! Hernandez is off his meds!

Pick: Texans (the easiest pick of the week)
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BEARS (4.5) vs Packers

See Miami, New England and Tampa.

Pick: Bears

It's worth mentioning that this year's Packers team is one of the worst underachieving teams of all time. A close third behind the 2007 Mets and the 2008 Mets.

Keith's pick: Bears
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This is not the greatest post in the world. This is just a tribute.