Keith's week 14 picks plus site news

So let's start with the site news: "I'm Keith Hernandez" is going to roll out a fresh-looking new site beginning next week. We'll have 100 posts under our belt by the end of the year, and with the new look we're going to attract bee-like traffic, generate some sick advertising revenue, make industry contacts, quit our day jobs and head out west, get high-profile jobs punching up Hannah Montana scripts with dick jokes, hit rock bottom, and later sell your nieces and nephews used cars and handjobs.

Also, we're at that point in the season where football fan Sundays are shuttered, curtained TV extravaganzas, where football fans get glassy-eyed and jaw-locked. We stop trying at our jobs, stop talking, stop bathing and stop making sense. Let us be.

So let's get onto the Week 14 picks, shall we?

GIANTS (-8.5) vs. Eagles

I'm sure even casual sports fans have heard the name 'Plaxico' too many times this week. I'm not worried about the Giants without Plax. The drama with him has become embarrassing for an otherwise unprecedented Super Bowl follow-up season. But what's worse is that when Plax is playing, Eli Manning feels compelled to throw to him even when he's in double coverage. I'm guessing that in the locker room before games, Plaxico corners Eli and threatens to cut him if he doesn't get 10 throws. With Burress off the field, Eli is safe to untuck his manhood from in between his thighs, and plays better.

No, my main concern is that the token black guy on SNL isn't good enough to play Plax in their next performance. I wonder if Armisen taunts him everytime there's a new Obama sketch, maybe throwing in a little beat-box.

My main concern is that Antonio Pierce, the nexus of this Giants defense, is implicated in this whole mess as well. I don't know what the latest news reports are because I did a couple shots when I heard OJ got 15 (!!), but he's potentially liable for an obstruction of justice charge and a suspension. It's a sick situation because you knew the team couldn't WAIT to suspend Plax for being a big baby, but they can't afford to lose Pierce.

The Eagles have a great opportunity for catching a great team on a bad week with all the distractions, but the fact remains, the Eagles are from Philadelphia. The Phillies sucked 100 years of sports karma out of Philadelphia when they won the World Series. Somebody on the Giants defense is going to make Donovan McNabb his personal bitch.

PICK: GIANTS

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Jets (4.5) vs. 49ERS

Brett Fuckvre. Just wanted to see how that looked on the page.

The real key to the Jets success is their incredible defensive line. But today...the Jets took some media pressure off the Giants when DE Shaun Ellis got picked up with marijuana in Jersey. Oh, and he was speeding.

The fact that most people forget about football is that this is a debilitating, debilitating sport. There is a huge trail of ex-athletes who's bodies completely break down. So what is the big fkn deal if Shaun Ellis and Ricky Williams mix medicine with pleasure?

Anyway, the 49ers are a mediocre team this Jets team was designed to crush.

PICK: JETS

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COLTS (13.5) vs. Bengals

The Colts are scary. They've fallen off a cliff in quality this year, but Peyton Manning is this strange Robocop magician who can somehow lead this team to ugly victory after ugly victory. They could make it well into the playoffs. Or maybe I've been brainwashed by ESPN.

Still, a 1-10-1 Bengals team can come within two touchdowns.

PICK: BENGALS

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BEARS (3.5) vs. Jaguars

For non-football fans, the head coaches in this matchup are Lovie Smith and Jack Del Rio. You don't get more horny than that.

PICK: BEARS

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PACKERS (5.5) vs. Texans

If Green Bay doesn't destroy the Houston Texans on Sunday, they'll be 5-8. And at that point, maybe I'll get to stop hearing about what a great team they are.

PICK: PACKERS

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TITANS (13.5) vs. Browns

I only pick this game because I want that free burger from Hernandez, but let's face it: This country is 25% better if the cities of Houston and Cleveland didn't exist.

PICK: TITANS
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Vikings (9.5) vs. LIONS

The Detroit Lions are 0-12. No NFL team has ever gone 0-16. In 1976, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers went 0-14, and the schedule was expanded shortly thereafter. It would be a historic moment.

And who doesn't like to live through a historic moment?

PICK: VIKINGS
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Patriots (5.5) vs. SEAHAWKS

Don't care.

PICK: PATRIOTS
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SAINTS (3.5) vs. Falcons

The Saints had three players suspended this week for steroid use. The Saints are 6-6, have the best quarterback in the league (w/ Tom Brady injured), and are going to finish in last place. Somebody really hates New Orleans.

What's truly amazing is that Falcons rookie QB Matt Ryan has turned around a losing team in the toughest division in football, and could make the playoffs. I'm rooting like hell for this team.

PICK: FALCONS
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BILLS (1.5) vs. Dolphins

The NFL is so embarrassed by the 'city' of Buffalo that they're playing this one in Canada. Both Hernandez and I were high on this team early in the year, but they're starting to look like the 12 year-old kid sneaking into the basement to wash his newly bedwetted sheets.

PICK: DOLPHINS
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BRONCOS (8.5) vs. Chiefs

Don't care. Flipping a coin.

PICK: CHIEFS
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CARDINALS (12.5) vs. Rams

The only reason the Cardinals are in Arizona and the Rams are in St . Louis is because of Arizona owner Bill Bidwell, who moved the team to their retirement home the year after my family moved back to St. Louis. He's George Steinbrenner minus charisma and success.

But the Rams are a strip mall of a franchise. Soon after they came to St. Louis they won a Super Bowl, but it wasn't a very likeable team after that year. And I wish they'd leave.

So as usual, I'm rooting for injuries. But I'd like to see the Cardinals dismantle the Rams. 25 years after their move west, I think they're still closest to a St. Louis NFL franchise.

PICK: CARDINALS
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STEELERS (3.5) vs. Cowboys

This is a game for the ages. After the Lakers & Celtics, Steelers/Cowboys is easily the most enormous cross-league rivalry in professional sports. It's oil vs. steel.

I hate the Cowboys with a passion. They self-anointed themselves 'America's team' many years ago, and are loaded with a talented, egotistical underpeforming roster, while the Steelers play the ugliest football known to man.

I'm rooting against the Cowboys, but the fact is that the NFL season gets much more exciting if the Cowboys can go into Pittsburgh and win this game. That's the best thing about the NFL -- you learn week-to-week what teams are capable of when they're in must-win situations. The Cowboys really need this game, and the Steelers don't. I'm expecting an epic game.

PICK: COWBOYS
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RAVENS (5.5) vs. Redskins

'The Wire' vs. 'The West Wing'. This game was moved to Sunday Night Football in the hopes that this would be a well-fought contest, but I have news for the Redskins: you're done. Right now Baltimore is my AFC pick for the Super Bowl. Hernandez and I saw the Giants take them down a few weeks ago, but they were in the game almost the whole way, and they're getting better week-to-week.

PICK: RAVENS
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PANTHERS (3.5) vs. Buccaneers

Because ESPN pays little lip service to the South, we're missing out on coverage of the most talented division in all of football. Both of these teams are 9-3, and the winner of this game is the 2nd best team in the NFC behind the Giants. Let's go with the Bucs.

PICK: BUCCANEERS
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