Double Fantasy: A Very Special IKH

Fantasy sports suck. They're nerdy, boring and ultimately unfulfilling. And that would all be fine and dandy if that's as far as it went. But it's so much worse than that. Fantasy sports are actually contributing to the dumbing down of sports. And that's unforgivable.

Many of the problems with fantasy sports mirror the problems of actual sports, the biggest being the de-emphasis on defense, which is the heart of any real sport (and you're right on the cusp baseball, so you'd better watch it.) I love good offense in any sport, but it doesn't exist in a vacuum. Without good defense that good offense wouldn't mean shit. And sure, there are a few defensive categories that "count" in fantasy sports, but not nearly enough. So now we've got a whole generation of jackasses rooting twice as hard for receptions, assists and doubles as they do for tackles, steals and putouts. Fucking lame.

Those same jackasses also think that just because they know some diva wide receiver's YAC average, or some Dominican middle infielder's two-strike batting average in close and late situations against lefties during day games in June, that they actually know something about sports. They don't. Nerds like that are more like Rain Man, but with even less of a chance of getting laid because their brothers don't look like Tom Cruise.

It's maddening listening to fantasy dorks like Matthew Berry make predictions about teams when he has NO idea what the concept of a team is. Knowing individual players doesn't mean you know which teams are good, so stop fronting, Talented Mr. Homo, who picks the Rams to be good every year because of Bulger, Jackson and Holt. What an asshole. Do you even realize how gay your nickname is?

The other terrible thing about fantasy sports is that it forces weak minded fans to root for or against things that shouldn't even be on the table. Have you ever heard someone say, "I hope [insert team] doesn't score any more runs this inning because I have [insert closer] on my fantasy team and they won't bring him in if they're up by more than three runs," then that team goes on to lose the game? I did, and to this day I regret not punching her in the face.

It's with all this in mind that I'd like to announce ...drumroll, please... Keith and I have joined a fantasy basketball league! Isn't that awesome? We're really excited about it.

Keith suggested naming the team after a crappy white player from our youth, and I didn't need much convincing. He had me at "white." So our team is named Beef Wennington, in honor of Canadian stick figure Bill Wennington. (Seen below completing the only dunk of his career.)


I followed Wennington growing up when he played with Chris Mullin at St. John's, then watched in horror as this total dickwad rode Michael Jordan's coattails past my Knicks on the way to three championships. There is no justice in this world.

I'm not even sure Keith knows this, but according to those lying sacks of shit at Wikipedia, for a brief time a McDonald's in Chicago actually named one of its sandwiches the "Beef Wennington." I don't believe that for a second. But even if they did and Keith knew about it, he still gets mad props for coming up with the name.

(Keith's other name suggestion was Touch Me I'm Sikma, btw, which is fucking genius. But I doubted most Yahoo fantasy players would get the Mudhoney reference. Or the Jack Sikma one either, come to think of it. Keith's always too cool for the room.)

It was my idea to join a league because I wanted to see how much of a mockery I could make of fantasy sports from the inside. And since I don't know what I'm doing, I fucked up and didn't give Keith a chance to pre-rank our players before I inadvertently entered the draft, so you can blame me for our roster.

Actually, you can blame me for Beef Wennington's AWESOME roster! We've got LeBron James, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Kevin Durant, Derrick Rose, Josh Smith, Tyrus Thomas and four - count 'em - FOUR Knicks. (Zach Randolph, Nate Robinson, Wilson Chandler and David Lee, if you're interested.)

I picked a lot of Knicks because I wanted some guys I actually root for in real life, and because I truly believe they will all have good fantasy stats playing for Mike D'Antoni. Last night certainly bore that out as I kicked major ass against my overmatched opponent, Heat Comeback, who - unlike me - probably spent hours ranking his players before the draft.

So anyway, the league started this week, and I will be controlling the team until Sunday. Then Keith will take over next week, and we'll alternate like that for the rest of the season. We'll report back on all the goings on as we try to rock the fantasy world for a pointless and forgettable championship. It should be as much fun as our ongoing NFL picks contest. Or not. Whatever. It's just fucking fantasy sports anyway.

Week 8 Recap

Keith stomped my ass in the picks this week. He pulled a 9 to 5 (which from now on will be known as a Dolly Parton) versus my pathetic 4-10. Keith's most inspired picks were Miami over Buffalo and Cleveland over Jacksonville, good calls both. I don't even want to check if he's overtaken me for the year, but my guess is he has. But like a great man once said, "I'll be back." I think it was General MacArthur.

Anyhoo, great job Keith. You deserve the win, even if the final margin would've been a hell of a lot closer were it not for half points. What are half points, you say? EXACTLY!!! What the fuck ARE they? You can't score HALF a point in football - you score a point. A WHOLE point!! Even points scored by that half a fag Jeff Garcia count as a whole point! I don't get it.

I had the Patriots, who were favored by 7.5 and won by 7. I also had the Panthers favored by 4.5. Too bad they only won by 4. So I essentially picked these two games right on the money because I actually know something about football, and then I get fucked in the ass by some anonymous Vegas bookie and his precious half points? That ain't right. At least buy me dinner first before you rape me like that.

The good thing is that none of this matters because the Giants went into Shitsburgh and knocked Big Ben on his big ass. (Seriously - that thing is huge.) I think a great prognosticator (me) wrote something in his preview of the game that said: "The bottom line in most football games comes down to the lines. In this one, I think the Giants offensive line will handle the Steelers defensive line more than the Steelers offensive line will handle the Giants defensive line."

Damn fucking straight. I give the Steelers credit for shutting down the Giants awesome running game. But they didn't sack Eli ONCE, while we sacked Ben 5 times. Couldn't have asked for a better script. (Kudos to Kevin Gilbride, BTW, for sticking with the run even when it wasn't working. I'm not being sarcastic in the slightest. It was extremely smart and helped win the game for us.)

Can I just take a moment to salute Mr. Manning for delivering once again in a big spot? To have the presence of mind to intentionally call that second consecutive timeout on 4th and 1 in the fourth quarter was genius. He said afterwards that the play they were supposed to run after the first timeout definitely wouldn't have worked, and he preferred to take the penalty and take his chances on 4th and 6 instead. That takes colossal cojones.

Then what did he actually do on the 4th and 6 play? His best throw of the game, the 35-yard strike to Toomer down to the 6 yard line to set up another field goal. Just awesome. It's plays like this that make me believe Eli could win multiple titles, and that my prediction offered in the very first week of this humble blog's existence - that the Giants would be back in the Super Bowl this year - will come true.

Up next? Dallas comes to Giants Stadium. I was hoping for "Make Jessica Simpson Cry" week, but will have to settle for "Make Brad Johnson's Kids Cry" week instead. Should be fun!

Special programming note: Keith and I have a very special announcement to make, but it deserves its own post. Stay tuned gaylords.

Keith's picks, Week 8

For posterity. This is Hernandez's bag. Let's hope that Hernandez eventually finds a couple of pink diamonds, yellow moons and Mexican testicles in a box of Lucky Charms soon, 'cos he should be making money on all of this.

Anyway, my picks:

Steelers (2.5) vs. Giants

Hernandez wrote a lot of journalistic horseshit about football. I agree with some of it--Aaron Ross and the Giants secondary has to wake up, but the Steelers offensive line has been very uneven. I'm not counting on Eli to lead the Giants to victory, but I am expecting Fred Robbins, Barry Cofield, Antonio Pierce and Justin Tuck to get into a menage a cinq with Big Ben.

Sometime tomorrow, I'm going to call my 6-year-old niece and read her that last sentence. I'll report back on what she says.

PICK: GIANTS
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Jets (11.5) vs. Chiefs

Yes, Hernandez, I watched the Jets/Raiders game. I also watched the Jets put 50+ points on the Arizona Cardinals this year. The Chiefs are *the* worst team in the NFL, and your mancrush Herm Edwards is not going to disappoint the 2-3000 Jets fans who still love him.

PICK: JETS

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Ravens (6.5) vs. Raiders

Hernandez took the Ravens, and I am too. I hate both of these teams with a passion. If they met in a gang fight circa 1982 'Beat It', neither of these franchises would exist.

I mainly dislike the Ravens because of 'The Wire'. Love that show. And has a show ever made a city look worse than 'The Wire'?

PICK: RAVENS
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Chargers (3.5) vs. Saints

Hernandez is right--this UK crap is a waste of time. And any 'football' fan who shows up at this goofy London exhibition is a jackass because Chelsea is playing my beloved Liverpool a few hours earlier.

New Orleans was founded by the French. They'll blanche and poisson in front of the English crowd.

PICK: CHARGERS
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Bills (1.5) vs. Dolphins

Hernandez and I have been riding the Bills pretty heavy, but I'm jumping off the train. They're not that great. Yes, they're 5-1, but they haven't put a game away in a long time. I expect the Dolphins to knock them on their ass.

PICK: DOLPHINS
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Buccaneers (4.5) vs. Cowboys

As Giants fans, Hernandez and I love to see the Cowboys lose. At the same time, just talking about the team is a puke prayer. It's not enough to watch this team lose. I wish that 'Dazed and Confused' would merge with reality, and O'Bannon would spank the spunk out of the Cowboys after they lose this game.

I'd also bet every dollar in the bank that Jessica Simpson will dump Tony Romo before he dumps her. He's about to become a nothing.

PICK: BUCCANEERS
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Eagles (8.5) vs. Falcons

The Eagles historically do very well after a bye week, but Matt Ryan, the rookie QB for Atlanta, is slaying and baking ass at 350 degrees, and pulling game from the other oven like they do on cooking shows.

PICK: FALCONS
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Patriots (7.5) vs. Rams

Rams. Bet your life on it.

PICK: RAMS.
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Panthers (4.5) vs. Cardinals

Hernandex picked the Panthers. Whatever game this team is involved in, I lose. Carolina hates me.

I'm picking the Cardinals. They're the Alex P. Keaton of the NFL. They will prove.

PICK: CARDINALS
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Redskins (7.5) vs. Lions

PICK: REDSKINS. The Lions are butt cotton candy at this point.

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Jaguars (6.5) vs. Browns

The Jags haven't won a game by more than 7 points. And their defense has fallen apart. Does rooting for an Ohio team get me off the hook for giving money to homeless people?

PICK: BROWNS
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49ers (4.5) vs. Seahawks

I'd rather slit my wrists like pregnant tuna than watch this game. Seattle is ravaged by injury, and their one hope, QB Matt Hasselback is sitting this week. Meanwhile, San Fran fired their coach this week.

This could be the ugliest game ever.

PICK: SEAHAWKS (before I learned Hasselback was out)
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Texans (10.5) vs. Bengals

Hernandez. Oye como va.

Pick: BENGALS
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Titans (3.5) vs. Colts

This is going to be an incredible football game. If you hate whiskey and football and Indianapolis,l throw that shit to the curb -- this is going to be better than the best fight sex you've ever had.

Hernandez picked the Colts. Ha! The Titans haven't been on National TV for 4 years (maybe 3 -- I'm making it up at this point) and they're going to win. The Colts are useless.

PICK : TITANS

Week 8 Picks - Hernandez

Can't tell you how happy I am that the NFL season officially starts this Sunday for the Giants. Too bad it took seven weeks to get to this point.

Pro football is exactly like pizza, beer, weed and pussy, in that all of those things are always great even when they're bad. But the Giants steady diet of lightweights this season has been more like Domino's, Natural Light, shake and Tori Spelling.

Thankfully my boys step up in quality this week against a worthy opponent. I've been saying all along that the Steelers are a little overrated, and I stand by it, but this week I'm willing to kiss their asses because at least they're a real football team with a real defense and real fans. And you can't beat Mara vs. Rooney. Also, Omar Epps is their coach, and "Juice" was the shit y'all.

Let's get this one out of the way first since I've been obsessing over it all week...

Steelers (2.5) vs. Giants

I can literally see ANYTHING happening in this game: low scoring, shootout, overtime, blowout. It's completely unpredictable. This isn't one of those Good D vs. Good O matchups, or Passing Team vs. Running Team jobs. Both teams have great QB's, excellent running games and strong defenses, and whichever one unit plays the best will determine how this one goes.

I think the Giants have the better running game, but the Steelers have the better D, so they're even there. The Steelers are at home, which gives them an edge, but they just lost Santonio Holmes to a marijuana bust, so that might level the playing field. Roethlisberger narrowly cheated death on a motorcycle, but Eli had to grow up as Peyton's little brother; we'll call that a wash.

Aaron Ross needs to step it up this week after two straight bad games. David Diehl and Kareem McKenzie have to play well because the Steelers pass rush mostly comes from their outside linebackers. I think both of those guys are solid, but they're a little weaker than Seubert, Snee and O'Hara in pass protection, so they could be vulnerable there. For some reason I see Ahmad Bradshaw having a big game.

The bottom line in most football games comes down to the lines. In this one, I think the Giants offensive line will handle the Steelers defensive line more than the Steelers offensive line will handle the Giants defensive line. And now I have a headache.

Pick: Giants

Almost forgot...my unsung Giant of the week is Barry Cofield. It would've been Fred Robbins, but he's finally starting to get the pub he's been deserving of the last two years, so I'm going with his even more unsung partner in crime. Cofield isn't spectacular, but he consistently clogs the middle against the run and he gets a good push into the backfield. He's also started every game since being drafted without fanfare in the fourth round in 2006. You win with glue guys like this. And last week's "Don't Tase Me, Bro" sack dance (his title) was the bomb.

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Jets (11.5) vs. Chiefs

You have GOT to be kidding me. I know the Chiefs are terrible, I know they don't have their best player because he assaulted a ho for the fourth time in as many years, and I know the media still gargles Favres cum, but this spread is a joke. Did anyone else watch Jets/Raiders besides Keith and I? Hopefully not because it was some Tori Spelling-quality snatch, but it proved the Jets are going nowhere fast. They're just not as talented as they get credit for, and now it looks like St. Brett's arm might be a little banged up. Poor, lying snitch.

Pick: Chiefs

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Ravens (6.5) vs. Raiders

Ravens are so up and down, but I just can't take JaMarcus Russell on the road against that defense. And I'm rooting for Baltimore because Keith and I are going to Ravens/Giants in a few weeks and I'd like to see two teams with something to play for.

Pick: Ravens

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Chargers (3.5) vs. Saints

I can't believe UK officials are going to let this game happen after that nearly unwatchable sludgefest between the Giants and Dolphins in London last year. Hopefully the weather is better this time around. If the NFL was smart it would hold its overseas game in Germany, the only European country to show any interest in American football. But sending that many black dudes to Germany may incite a race riot, so maybe they know what they're doing. As long as Philip Rivers gets lost somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean it's all good.

Pick: Chargers

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Bills (1.5) vs. Dolphins

Wildcat THIS motherfuckers.

Pick: Bills

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Buccaneers (4.5) vs. Cowboys

Two of the worst cities, teams, coaches and fanbases in the world. Die, all of you.

Pick: Buccaneers

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Eagles (8.5) vs. Falcons

The Eagles lose in the afternoon and the Phillies lose Game 4 that same night. A boy can dream, right?

Pick: Falcons

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Patriots (7.5) vs. Rams

Sure, the Patriots are just as likely to stink the joint out as they are to blow someone out, but there is no fucking way in hell the Rams are beating the Redskins, Cowboys and Patriots in a row.

Pick: Patriots

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Panthers (4.5) vs. Cardinals

Both these teams are intriguing, and I can see it going either way. THIS is why I don't put money on sports. To quote my favorite Mr. Sparkle pick from last week, "More Panthers than Cardinals!"

Pick: Panthers

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Redskins (7.5) vs. Lions

Easy money, like Billy Joel and Rodney Dangerfield.

Pick: Redskins

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Jaguars (6.5) vs. Browns

Are the Jags ready to make their move?

Pick: Jaguars

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49ers (4.5) vs. Seahawks

San Francisco sucks, and I actually think this one is an easy call. That's how bad Seattle is.

Pick: 49ers

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Texans (10.5) vs. Bengals

A two-win team favored by 10.5? Nonsense. Don't start with that "But Carson Palmer isn't playing!" bullshit either. Cincy has been in most of their games, and they'll cover this week.

Pick: Bengals

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Titans (3.5) vs. Colts

Really looking forward to this game. If the Titans win it pretty much officially signals the changing of the guard in the AFC. If the Colts win it'll be a huge upset, and who doesn't like upsets? Either way we win. And the funny thing is, I don't actually WANT the Colts to go away just yet. They're too much fun to watch and to root against. I definitely think they're old, injured and mediocre this year, but I can see Peyton pulling one out of his clenched white ass and stealing it at the end.

Pick: Colts

Happy football everyone! If you don't watch Giants/Steelers you're a huge pussy.

The World Series!

Football Recap, Week 7. Feh. Not only did I pick badly (I don't even want to count), but Hernandez put his picks into a comment, very lame, which does our forefather Keith, uh, unproud. (Misproud? Unproud?) You're slackin, boy. The state can take that kid away from you as fast as they gave it to you. And by 'state' I mean '12 year-old sister'.

Tomorrow night the World Series begins! It's the Philadelphia Phillies, the world's worst baseball team ever, versus the Tampa Bay Rays, who are so cute and underdoggedy you want to take 'em all fishin' then scratch their bellies.

First the good news -- there is no New York or Boston team in this World Series. The fourth time this decade. And since the Cubs and Dodgers are gone too, Fox Sports stands to lose a shitload of money on ad revenues this year. Which means maybe they'll try to back out of their contract and stop showing the World Series before 2013. And then I wouldn't have to ear-bleed all over my pillows from hearing Joe Buck and Tim McCarver's dung dirge.

Tampa Bay is the kind of team that makes baseball fans feel good about themselves. A bunch of no-name kids huckered themselves up, took no guff from no man, hitched 'emselves toget' and saddled up a near-championship season, knockin' off foes like they was berries on a branch with the butt of their always unloaded rifle. Safety first!

That's why I'm rooting for the Phillies. Having lived in Philadelphia for 6 years, let me remind of you the main reason why professional sports exist - to keep men out of prison. Nowhere is this clearer than in the fair city of Philadephia, where the line between prisoner and professional athlete is drawn in chalk on the field--if you can beat security, you probably make the team, whether it be Phillies, Eagles, 76ers or Flyers.

Competition has always been in our guts; the fire that laps at the inside of our bellies like so many whiskies and pimp steaks. And in Philadelphia, I think this team wants to give their city a championship. They're not nobler than other franchises, I just think they're plain scared of what will happen if they don't. soon.

The last Phillies championship was in 1980, and the last Philadelphia championship in any major sport was 1983, when Dr. J led the Sixers to the last time in Philadelphia sports history when anyone poured champagne over someone's head without breaking it over that same head 5 seconds later.

This is astonishing. Philly is the 5th biggest metropolitan area in the country. Here are the Top 10 with their last championship in any of the 4 major sports (see how I counted hockey, Hernandez?)

1: New York. Last championship: New York Giants, like a few months ago, 2008.

2: Los Angeles. Last championship: 2007, Anaheim Mighty Ducks. Also, the Lakers used to be pretty good.

3: Chicago. Last championship: 2005, White Sox. That doesn't include the Northsiders, I guess, but the Cubs are trash. And the Bulls used to be somewhat apt at basketball.

4: Dallas. Last championship; all the way back to '99 for the Dallas Stars! (Why does Dallas have a hockey team? Does Vassar have a prostitution ring?)

5: Philadelphia. 25 YEARS AND COUNTING.

6: Houston. Gets kinda close, the last title was in 1995 for the Rockets. Still, 12 years less than Philly. Really, another point in favor of Philly - Houston desperately deserves this distinction. If I had $100 billion, I couldn't build a theme park called 'Dead-End Awfulness' and make it worse than Houston. And if I had that kinda cash, you'd be damn sure I'd build an amusement park.

7: Miami - 2006 (The Heat), plus a 2003 World Series ring.

8: Wash D.C. - The Redskins won a Super Bowl in 1992, 16 years ago. But Washington, D.C. is not a city. It's a pimp. And Baltimore is its bitch.

9: Atlanta. Won a World Series in 1995. Only one title in the city's history, which would be sad if Atlanta hadn't lost four other World Series that decade, when they were the absolute best team in baseball.

10: Boston. Don't get me started. I think it's been about 12 weeks since they last won something.

I'm not saying it's the Phillies' year; the Rays showed they were tougher than the Yankees when they quit choking and shut the Red Sox down in Game 7, and the few hundred who turn in will probably be rooting for them. They're a gutsy team. But by ending Philadelphia's dry stretch, that city might get saved and live to breathe another decade.

Also, a Phillies win would cause them to roll over next year so the choke artist Mets can back into the playoffs in 2009. Go baseball!

Week 7 Recap

All is right with the world now that the Giants got back to winning, albeit unimpressively. Almost as importantly, all is also right in the IKH world now that I got back to beating Keith in the picks. He went 5-9 and I went 9-5. What a way to make a livin'.

Speaking of tits, hasn't it been a great last couple weeks for sports? Fantastic NFL action, hockey is back with a vengeance in a vacuum (more on that soon), Champions League and Premiership soccer is in full swing, baseball's been interesting for a change, and even the NBA is getting down to business, with the regular season a little over a week away. More on that last one soon too. Keith better hold up his end of the season preview we haven't ever discussed doing.

So kudos to you, sports! You never let me down.

Keith's Week 7 Picks, Mr. Sparkle Style

GIANTS (-10.5) vs. 49ers

Giants! Eli Manning shape his head like football!
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Jets (-3.5) vs. RAIDERS

Jets! Brett Favre make disappear GULP!
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Titans (-7.5) vs. CHIEFS

Titans! CHIEFS! Titans! Titans! Titans! More Titans then Chiefs!
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Chargers (-2.5) vs. BILLS

Bills! Buffalo glows with lights!
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Steelers (-9.5) vs. BENGALS

Bengals! Pittsburgh for laughing!
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DOLPHINS (-2.5) vs. Ravens

Ravens! Black bird like toothbrush! CAW!
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Cowboys (-7.5) vs. RAMS

Cowboys! Hi-ho Sliver! Run like legless snakes!
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BEARS (-3.5) vs. Vikings

Bears! Taste just like Chicken!
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PANTHERS (-3.5) vs. Saints

Saints! New Orleans gonna Hell! Drew Brees very long-harded!
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TEXANS (-8.5) vs. Lions.

Texans! Make Lions out of Monkey!
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REDSKINS (-7.5) vs. Browns.

Redskins! Too many colors! Brown in babies!
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Colts (-1.5) vs. PACKERS.

Colts! Shoot foot in leg on PACKERS!
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BUCCANEERS (-10.5) vs. Seahawks.

Buccaneers! Very food for conquest!
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PATRIOTS (-3.5) vs. Broncos.

Broncos! Tom Brady in sick hospital! Gisele go soup freeze! BRONCOS!
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Week 6 Recap

Not much to recap this week. Keith told me we tied, and I'm too lazy to double check.

More significantly, the Giants got their asses handed to them by Cleveland on Monday Night Football, a game Keith and I actually got to watch together for a change. Some good that did us or our livers.

It was probably a fluke, and I definitely didn't expect the champs to go undefeated, but I can't stand it when my team plays bad defense like they did Monday. Fuck, I'm a fan of the New York Giants - the team whose fans STARTED the "D-fense!" chant back in the day at Yankee Stadium. (You're welcome, every other sport.) Lord knows I ain't no fantasy football fag who only roots for yards, catches and TD's for the jerkoffs he drafted for his nerdy fake team. I root for REAL football, and performances like Monday's are unacceptable. Thankfully I think the Giants realize it too. Now it's time to get back to whupping some ass, starting with Frisco on Sunday.

And it's also time to get back to what I was doing, which is reading while keeping the ALCS on in the background. Unfortunately it's 7-0 Devil Rays - yeah, I said Devil Rays - so there's not much point in paying attention to the game.

Now hold on just a second... I took a short break from writing this post and now it's 7-7. Wild! Unlike real leagues such as the NHL, NFL and NBA, I really don't ever watch much of the baseball playoffs once my team is eliminated. But I admit I keep an eye on what's going on just in case something like tonight happens. I've paused the game at 7-7 in the top of the ninth and I'm going off to watch it now. There will be no recap from me because I don't care about baseball enough.

One last thing: I honestly don't care who wins the ALCS, just as long as they beat the Phillies in the World Series. Normally I'd root for long suffering, real sports fans to win something, but we're talking about Philadelphia, the taint of the Eastern seaboard. There's no doubt their fans are real, and long suffering. But there's also no doubt they're lowlife, nasty, cheapshotting whiners. Scum of the earth, really. And their teams usually take on the same character. So I hope they NEVER get a title in any sport. I'm completely serious about this.

Back with the Week 7 picks tomorrow.

Week 6 Picks - Hernandez

Pete Roselle's legacy is that the NFL has finally succeeded in establishing parity throughout the league, where virtually every team is a couple of plays away from winning or losing each week. As a fan I love it because it makes every game so unpredictable. But for that same reason, from a picks standpoint it sucks David Banner's balls. Or maybe the Incredible Hulk's. Whatever you're into, you perverted superhero fuckers.

So with all due respect to my compadre Keith (And by "All due respect" I obviously mean "You don't know what you're talking about") my feeling is we really DON'T have a sense of which teams are good, bad or irritatingly inconsistent, especially in Week 6. Except the Giants. Those guys are fucking good. Oh, and St. Louis. Those guys are fucking bad.

I'll be very straightforward right off the top; I like a lot of underdogs this week. A LOT of underdogs. I'm either going to crash and burn or I will be able to proclaim, like Reverend Winton Dupree, "I am King Shit of Fuck Mountain!"

Here now the picks:

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JETS (6.5) vs. Bengals

Perfect example. Carson Palmer is out, the Bungles are 0-5, Favre threw 6 TD's in his last game, and the Jets are coming off a bye week. Doesn't matter - I still have no confidence in the Jets, who suck. Most likely. Or maybe not. Oh screw it.

Pick: Bengals

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SAINTS (7.5) vs. Raiders

Reggie Bush has a better chance of explaining the finer details of the federal bailout package to his boo Kim Kardashian than he does of running back another two punts this week. A 7.5 spread? Come ON!

Pick: Raiders

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COLTS (5.5) vs. Ravens

I agree with Keith that the Colts are awful. Baltimore's two great linebackers, Bart Scott and Terrell Suggs - not that washed up, murdering snitch Ray Lewis - are going to make Eli's brother wish he was doing anything else except playing football Sunday. Like filming another unfunny commercial.

(Yo Keith, put me down for some Pringles too if this doesn't pan out.)

Pick: Ravens

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BUCCANEERS (2.5) vs. Panthers

Mad props to Keith. "Suckaneers" makes me feel warm and tingly inside. Can't believe I've never heard that one before!

Pick: Panthers

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VIKINGS (12.5) vs. Lions

Yeah, right.

Pick: Lions

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Bears (2.5) vs. FALCONS

Notice a pattern here? Yes geniuses, I've picked EVERY underdog so far. And I ain't stopping here, not when Michael Turner is ready to knock the white right off Brian Urlacher.

Keith's on the money about Atlanta, btw. Every single little thing about that place sucks. Everything. I've only been once, and I'm not going back unless I'm reincarnated as a black record company executive or a white supremacist. (Atlanta's only saving grace is that it's still not as bad as Tampa. Holy cockfuckers, that place is hell on earth!)

Pick: Falcons

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TEXANS (3.5) vs. Dolphins

Houston may be the best 0-4 team in the history of the NFL, but I'm finally ready to jump on the Cocaine Express to Miami. It's a helluva drug!

Only problem is it's a week too late because I pussied out last time around against the Chargers. That one really eats at me because I'm the only person in America who said Miami might be good this year. Yeah, you heard that right - the ONLY person. Don Shula didn't even believe in them as much as I did. Don Shula is also an old asshole, so maybe that's not saying much. OK, Dan Marino didn't believe in Miami either. Wait, does Marino even have a job anymore? I don't think so, so scratch that. I got it...even that stupid ginzo Nick Buoniconti didn't think the Dolphins would be competitive this year! What a douchebag homer that guy is. He and Mercury Morris can both eat a dick. Preferably each other's.

Pick: Dolphins

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REDSKINS (13.5) vs. Rams

Redskins are vastly, wildly, comically overrated. I'm just not a believer in the Zorn Supremacy. They'll win, but crazy ass Jim Haslet will have the Rams fired up enough to only lose by 13.

Pick: Rams

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BRONCOS (3.5) vs. Jaguars

Broncos finally played some defense last week. That was a fluke. They revert back to form here. They are who we thought they were!

Pick: Jaguars

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Eagles (5.5) vs. 49ERS

I've been kissing Keith's ass too much this week, and FINALLY I've found something to disagree with. He's dead wrong about the Eagles when he says they're an excellent team. They're average, and Donovan McNabb is a whining pussy.

Pick: 49ERS

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Cowboys (5.5) vs. CARDINALS

I don't know about crushing. I'll settle for covering.

Pick: Cardinals

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SEAHAWKS (2.5) vs. Packers

Sure, the Packers WERE a fluke last year, but does Keith even realize Hasselback and Deion Branch are injured?

Pick: Packers

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CHARGERS (6.5) vs. Patriots

I'm setting my DVR for this and I expect a good one. But San Diego's missing something this year.

Pick: Patriots

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Giants (7.5) vs. BROWNS

The underdog streak ends here. I think my boys are due for a letdown this week, which means they'll only win by 3 touchdowns instead of 5.

Pick: Giants

Continuing the series I started last time about underrated Giants, this week I highlight fullback Madison Hedgecock. Don't let the upper crust name fool you - this man is a beast. A fucking wrecking ball. He's like having another offensive lineman on the field. He really doesn't do anything else besides block, but when you're as good at that one thing as he is, you don't have to. Want someone to blow a huge load on some chick's face? Call Peter North. Same thing with Madison Hedgecock.

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So there you have it; I picked every single underdog except the Giants. I didn't set out to do it, it just happened. And it feels good. Let's see if I'm feeling the same way Sunday night.

Week 6 Picks - Keith

This is the week where I feel like I finally get a sense whether teams are good, bad, and which few are irritatingly inconsistent. I don't know how 60 guys averaging 250 pounds each could be inconsistent at anything. Is it possible the Denver Broncos have fragile psyches and are constantly changing from David Banner into the Incredible Hulk and back? Or is it just a matter of whether they get the coke to booze ratio right on Saturday nights?
Here are my picks:

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JETS (6.5) vs. Bengals

The Bengals have very little to live for. I mean, they're from Ohio.

Pick: Jets
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SAINTS (7.5) vs. Raiders

The Saints played in that classically entertaining Monday night game against the Vikings, and should've won, but made so many mistakes, the kind that make coaches red with rage and fans heading to Liquor, Guns & Ammo. They should beat up these Raiders.

Pick: Saints
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COLTS (5.5) vs. Ravens

If I had a bookie, I would bet most of my money against the Colts. They are an awful, awful team this year, going against the best defense in the NFL. Even if they scratch out a BS win like they have twice this year, they're not winning by more than a couple points. If the Colts cover this spread, I don't know anything, and will eat 1000 Pringles in 15 minutes.

Pick: Ravens
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BUCCANEERS (2.5) vs. Panthers

As long as the Rays are competing against the Red Sox, there just aren't enough fans in Tampa to field any kind of homefield advantage. Suckaneers.

Pick: Panthers
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VIKINGS (12.5) vs. Lions

The Vikings have scored 7 offensive touchdowns in 5 weeks, one on the 'dying fart' trick play from Monday night. I don't like their chances of running up the score against me, Hernandez and 9 oompa loompas, much less another NFL football team.

Pick: Lions
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Bears (2.5) vs. FALCONS

Two of the best rookies face off against each other. Running Back Matt Forte of the Bears goes against QB Matt Ryan of the Falcons. I hate everything about Atlanta. How's that for analysis? I'm just killing time at work anyway, so suck it.

Pick: Bears
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TEXANS (3.5) vs. Dolphins

Houston is 0-4 after their crotch-kick of a choke against Indianapolis last week. You just don't recover from a loss like that in a week. You run around in a daze for awhile. Ice cream tastes like grey. Sex is abrasive and unproductive. The blood runs from your heart and congeals on your rib cage while you sit in your basement reading Becket plays. Everything is called into question.

Pick: Dolphins
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REDSKINS (13.5) vs. Rams

Usually big spreads like this are pretty risky. A hot team like Washington can easily run up the score, but put in their scrubs in the second half and watch the other team put up meaningless points. But the Rams are truly awful, and haven't shown a spark of pulling themselves out of the dirt. I've tasted failure, St. Louis style, and it don't taste like BBQ.

Pick: Redskins
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BRONCOS (3.5) vs. Jaguars

I have no idea on this one. I still have that St. Louis failure taste in my mouth.

Pick: Jaguars
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Eagles (5.5) vs. 49ERS

After losing to the Redskins, the Eagles are going to take their frustation out on whoever shows up to face them. They're an excellent team, and currently sitting two games out of 2nd place with a 2-3 record. This is a must-win game for them. Blood will run in SF, and the kids in the front show should cover themselves with plastic like they're at Sea World or Gallagher.

Pick: Eagles
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Cowboys (5.5) vs. CARDINALS

For some reason, I have a gut feeling that the Cardinals are going to crush the Cowboys. Maybe it's just gas -- I did eat a pork 'n' bean brownie just now -- but I trust my digestive system. It's gotten me this far.

Pick: Cardinals
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SEAHAWKS (2.5) vs. Packers

I'm holding on to the hope that the Seahawks always play better at home, and the Packers great season last year was a fluke. As I mentioned up top, I'll know after this week whether either of these teams has promise.

Pick: Seahawks
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CHARGERS (6.5) vs. Patriots

The Chargers really need to show up for this one, or I'm lighting San Diego on fire again.

Pick: Chargers
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And Monday night, Giants (7.5) vs. BROWNS

Pick: Giants. Not from Ohio.

NFL Week 5 Recap + Other Sports News and Random Observations

Well -- what a dick and a couple of balls it's been. Let's work backwards, chronologically:

TUESDAY night, 7:00-ish p.m. I'm sitting in Louise and Jerry's in Hoboken, New Jersey, when a guy walks in with his friend, your average after-work early 50s guy. The bartender laughs and says it's the mayor. It turns out it was the Naked Mayor, so named for his front porch photo spread while he was running for office. The bartender put shot glasses in front of me and my friend, upside down, and said "It's on the Mayor." I turn to the Mayor, raise my beer, and go back to what I was doing, somewhat expecting the glasses to eventually be inverted and filled with something cheap. Nope. Never came. It appears the naked mayor has no clothes. Touche!

I tell you, Jersey is like the Wild West to me. It's like 'Deadwood' if the dialogue were written by the Fonz.

MONDAY night, 8:15 p.m. One of the most entertaining Monday Night Football games I've ever seen in my life, ugly at times, but never bad. I like 'About Schmidt' more than most people, but Kathy Bates still gets naked in it. Oof.

Anyway the game featured the underperforming Minnesota Vikings featuring 2nd year phenom Adrian Peterson at the New Orlean Saints featuring the underperforming but Heisman Trophy 3rd year Reggie Bush. The Saints have poor defense, and I expected Adrian to run all through the Saints. He didn't. He had a shitty game. There was no Minnesota offense, and yet Minnesota took a 20-10 first half lead because they (a) blocked a field goal and ran it back for a touchdown, blindsided Saints QB Drew Brees with a blistering hit that gave the Vikings 1st and goal, which they somehow converted by having their running back throw a dying fart into the end zone for another touchdown. Reggie never really got running either, but in the second half he ran back two different punts for touchdowns. It was fucking incredible. The Vikings pulled it out but not before a couple lead changes, some great throws by Brees, and some of the most brutal hits by the Vikings defense. Awesome game.

Oh, and it featured Gus Frerotte as starting QB for the Vikings, and as the ESPN crew were nice enough to point out, Gus Frerotte is the guy who sprinted into a stadium wall helmet first and gave himself a brainjob. The clip is nowhere on the Internet, but ESPN showed it -- he headbutts the wall, turns around and his eyes roll back in his head.

Finally, it featured head referee Ed Hochuli, who cost the San Diego Chargers a week 2 game with a terrible call (for which he apologized publicly) and who called another blundering game Monday. When he announces penalties, he overexplains it to the point where he sounds like he's lying to his mother. The fans booed him whether he was getting calls right or not. Put this guy on suicide watch.

Oh, and I DVR'd "Heroes". Hayden, do you need a babysitter?

Sunday Night: The only really entertaining televised game available Sunday was the Jaguars/Steelers game, as the Giants rolled and real Bengal tigers didn't go to Texas Stadium and mangle the Cowboys--the stupid Cincinnati football team showed up and lost. Ben Roethlisberger looks like Will Ferrell in a stupid football movie in a stupid city like Pittsburgh, but the Steelers have beat two tough teams in a row. Weird team.

Anyway, the memorable thing about the broadcast is that John Madden and Al Michaels were discussing the Jaguars offense, and out of nowhere:

John Madden (sounding drunk and naked): "I was at the Jaguars practice this week and (quarterback) David Garrard has the biggest calves of any quarterback in the league!"

Al Michaels: ...uh, what?

John Madden: It's true! If you look around the league you're not going to see another quarterback with stronger calves than David Garrard.

And they show a clip! They zoom in on a still photo of Garrard's leg to show a close-up of his calf, while Madden feverishly continued to make his case. I sat in complete shock and lack of oxygen. I didn't dare breathe. And I don't know if I dreamed it, but I'm pretty sure Madden circled the calf with that digital pen of his.

SUNDAY AFTERNOON: The Giants destroyed Seattle, and Hernandez destroyed me in the picks. I went 6-8. He...oh wait, he went 6-8 too! It was one of those weeks. So the score for the year is Hernandez still edging me 43-31 to 42-32.

SUNDAY MORNING: I don't know if he's written about it, but as far as English Premiere League soccer goes, Hernandez roots for Manchester City. It's widely that Manchester United are the New Yankees of the EPL, so Hernandez reasons that Manchester City are the lovely underdogs like the...Mets, I guess? Well, Manchester City just spent a lot of money on a showy Brazilian superstar named Robinho who's supposed to lead them to victory. And on Sunday morning, they took a surprising 2-0 lead on my beloved Liverpool team.

Well, in the end, it looks like Manchester City is also gonna nead Batmanho. Liverpool pulled off an amazing comeback and took the match 3-2, and are in a close 2nd place in the League. Unfortunately they lost their stellar center defender Martin Skrtel, who is fantastic and one of the most menacing players I've ever seen. He's gone for the next three months, so this may not be the Liverpool year. But for now, I gloat.

SATURDAY: With Elton John's blessing, I fought all night.

FRIDAY: I read on that Lehman Brothers CEO Dick Fuld went to the gym after Lehman folded, and some gym rat punched his fucking lights out after the announcement was made. Let's call that boxing news and add a fuck yeah! I just wish you had gone to middle school 30 years later. the name jokes would've driven you to tears every day.

Be back soon with the picks.

Hernandez Week 5 Picks

keith: once again I will edit this post to make my picks.

Regarding Week 4, I wrote last time that I was due for a bad week, and boy was I right! It was about the only thing I actually DID get right, as I finished with a catastrophic 4-9 record. A retard could have beaten me. Or in this case Keith, who did much better than a retard and kicked my ass by going 9-4. Nice job. And since we both got to watch the Cowboys and Eagles lose, I think we ALL came up winners.

So my huge lead is down to a measly game, and we've got a real contest here. For the season I lead 37-23 to Keith's 36-24, even though I gifted him that completely bogus 49er "win" in Week 2 (look it up). It didn't seem like a big deal at the time, but now I'm sweating. I'm going to look like a total fool if I lose the season series to a guy who doesn't even have a favorite football team. Keith, why do you hate freedom?

keith: I actually spend money on my picks--that's why the seahawks/49ers connection is legit. Hernandez spends all his money on goofy patents -- last I heard he wanted to put Pop-Tart frosting on Hot Pockets. He's a gloriously misguided man. Just thought you should know.

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Giants (7.5) vs Seahawks

Football is always great, but last week kind of sucked because the Giants had their bye week. Now they're refreshed and ready to roll, even without Plaxico Burress. Domenik Hixon will paralyze at least one of Seattle's corners like he did to Kevin Everett last year. Metaphorically, of course.

Pick: Giants

BTW, I'm starting a new segment where every week I'll highlight one of the unsung player who help make the Giants the best team in the NFL. This week it's Aaron Ross, the second year DB who is mostly invisible on the field this year because no one throws at him. He's a shutdown corner already, but it'll probably take the fuckwads who cover the league about two more years before they figure it out. Guys live off their outdated reps forever in this league. For instance, most people still think Champ Bailey is a Pro Bowler. Or that Mike Shanahan is a good coach.

Keith: No argument. Giants will stomp. With Plaxico Burress's suspension for being a lazy-ass, the Giants will run all day, like shit from a cokehead.
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Texans vs Colts (3.5)

How the hell are the Colts favored on the road against anyone at this point? Houston isn't that bad, and Indy is beat up and mediocre. Like I said above, it's hard to shake a rep once you've got one.

Pick: Texans

The Texans have no defense. Imagine Paris Hilton in a rape case. The Colts *are* beat up, and the Texans hate the Colts. But Peyton Manning thrives off being hated. That's why he does so many commercials. Keith picks the Colts.
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Ravens vs Titans (3.5)

Cousin Sal said the over/under on this game is 3, which is hilarious. And true. It might set football back decades. But man I wish I could watch, because I love me some defense, and these two teams play it. Ravens were extremely unlucky to lose to the Steelers last Monday after outplaying them all game. I think they pull off the upset, because while the Titans are good, they're not 5-0 good.

Pick: Ravens

The Titans have better defense than the Ravens. Watching this game will be like watching garbagemen collect trash, along with the pissy attitude that said garbagemen make more than you do. Later that day, you'll throw a gum wrapper on the street, yell "fuck them", and hot chicks will laugh at you. This is in no way autobiographical.

Keith picks the Titans.
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Dolphins vs Chargers (6.5)

I'll keep saying it over and over - the Dolphins are frisky. I'm a huge Parcells guy. They won't have a winning record this year, but he's shown at every stop he's made that he dramatically improves his team. I'll start picking them more often as the season goes along, but this week I think the Chargers will win by a touchdown.

Pick: Chargers

Keith says: I pick the Dolphins. No NFL player is a bigger pothead than Ricky Williams. You know he's going to smoke out the SoCal team and fuck 'em up. Also, QB Chad Pennington is finally getting pussy cos he loves the Cubanos. His Miami hotel room is unofficially called 'The Cigar Bar'.
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Panthers (9.5) vs Chiefs

Chiefs shocked the shit out of me last week, but that was a fluke.

Pick: Panthers

Keith picks the Chiefs. Spread is too high.

Keith likes referring to himself in the 3rd person, by the way.

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Eagles (5.5) vs Redskins

I should've realized when I was picking Cowboys/Redskins last week that rivalry games are usually close. This one will be too, especially with an injured Westbrook.

Hey, has anyone noticed that Andy Reid is the second most overrated coach in the league after Shanahan? For 10 years this guy has repeatedly botched playcalls and time management, and his teams always choke down the stretch. Why is he considered an elite coach? He's been lucky to have so many talented players to cover up for the fact that he's a stupid, fat fuck. And his kids are fucked up drug addicts too. Nice job Andy!

Pick: Redskins

Keith picks the Eagles. Note to hernandez: Westbrook is playing this week. And if you think the Redskins are beating the Cowboys & Eagles in successive weeks, you're fucked. To the readers: I'm hatching a plan to let hernandez's wife know how bad he is at gambling.
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Lions vs Bears (2.5)

The Curse of Millen has been lifted. That gets them a win at home against a mediocre Bears team that was very lucky to beat the Eagles last week.

Pick: Lions

Keith's pick: Bears. Note to Hernandez: You just got your ass kicked from a terrible boss for 5 years and found out he was fired. Would you immediately try to do better at your job? Or would you buy a basketful of Taco Bell and get drunk and happy with your crew?

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Packers (2.5) vs Falcons

No Aaron Rodgers, or maybe one with a dislocated shoulder? No thanks.

Pick: Falcons

Keith's pick: Packers. Easy money.
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Broncos (3.5) vs Buccaneers

Another upset special, at least according to the oddsmakers. I actually won't consider it an upset when Tampa beats up on this piece of shit team and its Swiss cheese D.

Pick: Buccaneers

I think Hernandez is right on this one, but I pick the Broncos. Sometimes, the fat chick at the prom gives the best blowjobs.
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49ers vs Patriots (3.5)

Kind of tempting to take San Fran, but I just can't. I won't be surprised if it's close.

Pick: Patriots

Keith: I took the 49ers. Probably a bad choice.
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Cardinals (1.5) vs Bills

Most ridiculous line of the week. Kurt Warner threw for 450+ yards last week, but did you actually see the game? He turned the ball over six times and looked like he had CP. With Boldin out with a broken sinus (how is that even possible?) this is just nuts. Another non-upset upset.

Pick: Bills

Hernandez and I love the Bills. Pull your money out of the market, convince your wife you're buying her jewelry, and spend it all on this game.
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Cowboys (11.5) vs Bengals

LOVED that the Cowgirls lost last week, but I'm not going to pretend they ain't good. They'll be pissed and will put a whipping on Cincy.

Pick: Cowboys

Keith: NO fucking way. Oh wait--Cincy? Sadly, yes. The Cowboys will destroy this team.
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Jaguars (3.5) vs Steelers

And here's where I repeat for the fifth straight week that Pittsburgh is just average. Meanwhile, Jacksonville saved its season against Indy and are looking to get back in the race.

Pick: Jaguars

Keith: The Steelers just beat the best rated defense. This is an easy pick. As usual, Hernandez is unreliable. Buy insurance if you follow his adivce.

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Saints (3.5) vs Vikings

To me, the Saints are a Russian Roulette pick every week. Their defense sucks, but they ARE capable of exploding on offense at any given time, usually when I pick against them. But I'm still doing it, because I think Minnesota will control the ball on the ground enough to keep it close and maybe even win it.

Pick: Vikings

Keith: Agreed.
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Bonus Pick: Biden (17.5) vs Palin

This spread is too high. Biden will win, but he'll come off as arrogant and condescending while doing so. Also, Palin will win major sympathy points because no one likes to see the mentally challenged get picked on like that.

Pick: Palin