Week 9 Picks - Hernandez

I've squandered my early season lead, and now I've got to come back - like the Misfits - this week.

(I've been told I actually played "Come Back" at a party last year with Keith and some other friends, but I was so drunk I have absolutely no recollection of it. I'm not even kidding.)

GIANTS (7.5) vs. Cowboys

The nerds at Football Outsiders predicted the Cowboys would struggle this season because the stats showed they had enjoyed the best injury luck of any NFL team the previous two years, and that they were due to revert back to the statistical norm in 2008. I've gotta hand it to those asshole geniuses, because their calculators shat out the right calculations this time around. In fact, the Cowboys are so beat up for this game that a lot of people are predicting a Giants blowout. I'm not so sure of that. I'm a little worried that the Pittsburgh game took something out of Big Blue physically, and that they may think they can just throw the ball all day against a green secondary. It's a classic trap game.

Admit it - I had you there for a second, right?

Pick: GIANTS

Underrated Giant of the Week: Zak DeOssie. Never heard of him? Good. He's the Giants long snapper. The Steelers game should be a reminder of just how valuable a guy like that is. Bonus points for being the son of former Giants linebacker Steve DeOssie, who started for the 1990 Super Bowl champs. I always liked him because he had a nose for the ball, he wore a cool dark visor in his helmet, and he's white.

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BILLS (5.5) vs. Jets

What Keith said. I've been railing against Mangini for a long time now, and it's good to see others are starting to catch on. (You think David Chase regrets giving this one-season wonder a cameo on "The Sopranos?" Me neither. Those paisan's stick together.) Let's also not forget Jets offensive coordinator Brian Schittenheimer, son of Marty. The players are starting to complain to the press about the gameplans and play calling. Not a good sign.

The Bills have beaten the Jets something like 12 out of the last 14 times they've played. I'm only exaggerating slightly. They've always matched up well against the pussies in green, and I think they put the smackdown on this soft, sloppy team.

Pick: BILLS

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VIKINGS (4.5) vs. Texans

I agree with Keith about Childress being a bad coach, but I disagree that the Vikings are a "pretty damn good" team. Besides the mess at QB, their wide receivers SUCK, and this team was destined to max out at 8-8 all along. Houston's feeling it lately, and they'll cover at least, if not win outright.

Pick: TEXANS

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BENGALS vs. Jaguars (7.5)

The Jags have fucked me a couple of times, and if they don't cover this week I'm off them for good.

Pick: JAGUARS

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CHIEFS vs. Buccaneers (8.5)

This fool watched Tyler Thigpen throw the ball with authority last week, so yes, I'm actually going there. (Also, our first four picks were identical, and what's the fun in that? You're going to hate me when they cover.)

Pick: CHIEFS

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BROWNS (1.5) vs. Ravens

Only two more weeks until Keith and I go see Giants/Ravens. I'm pulling for you Flacco!

Pick: RAVENS

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RAMS vs. Cardinals (3.5)

Loved Keith's comment on the Edward Jones Dome. Naming rights are one of my biggest pet peeves in sports, and I want to thank my compadre for giving me another idea for a post I may or may not ever get around to writing. You know if I do it'll be good.

Pick: CARDINALS

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BEARS (12.5) vs. Lions

I SO wanted to pick the Lions to cover this spread, but Keith beat me to it, and now it would just seem like I was copying him. So here's to Kyle Orton forgetting who he is for yet another week and just going buck wild on Detroit.

Detroit signed Dante Culpepper today to a two-year deal. He's washed up, but still better than what they've got. That's pathetic.

Pick: BEARS

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TITANS (4.5) vs. Packers

I can see a letdown after the big win over the Colts, and I agree that they'll lose at some point, but something tells me they'll pull it out this week by a TD. I also don't love the Packers on the road that much.

Pick: TITANS

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BRONCOS (3.5) vs. Dolphins

Fuck all that Wildcat bullshit; what's lost in the novelty of that scheme is that Miami actually has one of the most productive offenses in the league. Yes, even with the rag arm Pennington. Color me amazed. Oh, and Denver may have the worst defense in football, and that includes Detroit and Kansas City.

Pick: DOLPHINS

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RAIDERS vs. Falcons (3.5)

I'm rooting for Atlanta more than Keith is, but Matt Ryan is due for a bad game on the road. The cesspool known as the Black Hole seems like a likely place for it, even if the Raiders suck. This'll be one of those cliche "on any given Sunday..." games.

Pick: RAIDERS

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SEAHAWKS vs. Eagles (7.5)

Fuck Philly.

Pick: EAGLES

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COLTS vs. Patriots (6.5)

Despite the injuries and age, Indy's strength is still throwing. New England's biggest weakness is its secondary. I think the Pats may eke out the win, but I'm with Keith on this point spread.

Pick: COLTS

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REDSKINS vs. Steelers (2.5)

Washington is overrated. A lot of bad teams have played them close. Shut down Portis and they're toast. Bonus prediction: Portis leaves this game with an injury. I guarantee it.

Pick: STEELERS