Keith's Week 11 picks

I got nothin' people. These Thursday night games are killing my creativity--which means I'm going blue.

I was getting drinks with my coworkers, who are some fuckin' hilarious people. Tonight one of them asked a very poignant question. If you had a clone, would you let him suck your cock? My answer was no, but I'd watch him jerk off so I could improve my technique.

PATRIOTS (3.5) vs. Jets

Brett Favre has thrown 9,000 interceptions. When Peter King sucks his cock, Brett misses his face with the moneyshot by a good 18-24 inches.

Pick: Patriots

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GIANTS (6.5) vs. Ravens

My first NFL football game ever. I don't care who the logical pick is. It's all Giants.

Pick: Giants

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FALCONS (5.5) vs. Broncos

This game should be like 38-30. Very high-scoring. I don't give a fuck, I'll be at Giants Stadium, plowing through beers.

Pick: Falcons

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DOLPHINS (10.5) vs. Raiders

The Raiders aren't that good, but I believe the Dolphins are soft. All that South Beach livin'. I expect this game to end with Chad Pennington's scrotum and rectum changing places.

Pick: Raiders

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COLTS (8.5) vs. Texans

Texans starting QB Matt Schaub is still injured, I heard a couple days ago. I attribute the Colts weak start to Peyton Manning's off-to-preseason injury (too lazy to look it up), but he's back. If 'Peace Frog' were about Indianapolis, I'd say "There's blood on the streets in Indianapolis."

Pick: Colts

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Titans (3.5) vs. JAGUARS

Tennessee has gotta lose at some point. If sports proves anything it's that great teams rise to the occasion but underachieve against bad teams. This is my upset special. You read it here first. God, I'm a fucking idiot.

Pick: Jaguars

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PACKERS (1.5) vs. Bears

Ooh now I can use it. Blood on the streets in the town of Chicago...

Pick: Packers

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Eagles (8.5) vs. BENGALS

Pick: Eagles. I may lose this thing, but I will never pick a team from Ohio. Even though they both won last week.

Pick: Eagles

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Saints (4.5) vs. CHIEFS

Exhibit MCLXXIIII in the defense against those who think the NFL is the greatest sport in the frickin' world. When Herm Edwards hangs himself after this season, I hope he went the Michael Hutchence way and busted a nut beforehand.

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PANTHERS (13.5) vs. Lions

Whatever. Vagina farts and shit dolls.

PICK: Lions

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49ERS (5.5) vs. Rams

So inconsequential. I'd rather go bobbing for corpses in the Gowanus canal than watch this. I'd rather eat snail cum out of a monkey's prolapsed asshole. I'd rather watch "2 Girls 1 Cup" while eating homeless diarrhea than watch this game.

PICK: Rams
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Cardinals (3.5) vs. SEAHAWKS

Let me say I hate the NFL since it went to 32 teams with four teams in a division. Where a game between two forsaken teams could possibly have playoff implications drives me into a meth-fueled stutter.

Seattle has melted popsicles for cocks, and Arizona is the next Waco. Isn't that why Dave Murrow moved there?

PICK: Cardinals
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STEELERS (3.5) vs. Chargers

The Steelers are the much better team, and the spread is low. But if I have to see Steelers receiver Hines Ward smile one more time, I'm going to skin his kids and wallpaper my asshole.

PICK: Chargers
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Cowboys (2.5) vs. REDSKINS

Finally! A game where it's completely acceptable for a Giants fan to root for injuries. If the Redskins weren't doing so well, I'd be pulling for them to decimate Dallas, but they're ahead. So I have to pull for Dallas, which makes me the miserable fuck I am. Believe me, I want to see the Redskins make cock pizza out of Dallas, but the best outcome for the Giants is for Tony Romo to litter the Redskins defense with his sharecropper Mountain Dewchebag cancer-infested urine.


Note: This spread is wrong, the Redskins are actually favored. Which makes a Cowboys victory under this spread much worse. But I believe in the cancer urine.

PICK: Cowboys

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BILLS (4.5) vs. Browns

Buffalo vs. Cleveland. #2 and #3 of the cities I would consider hell. (Detroit is #1.)

Imagine Buffalo as a leper dockworker, and Cleveland as a fat hooker. Buffalo is going to screw Cleveland till its dick literally falls off, covered in leeches and chewing tobacco tea. Cleveland is about to douse itself in bukkake export for a dozen donuts. 9 of them are advertised as jelly but (head shakes slowly) are not.

PICK: Bills