Friday, January 2, 2009

Keith's first round playoff picks

Tonight, my furry-balled friends, is the last I'm Keith Hernandez post in this rudimentary format. This was just a lark so Hernandez and I could rap sports, but he's proven to be such a misguided douche-sicle that I felt it was time to expand the format so that more people could see me dismantle his ridiculous opinions. Yes, he outpicked me in football this year, but he's a Mets fan. It's hard living.

Let's look at the games:

Falcons at Cardinals

The Cardinals are the worst team to win a division and host a playoff game ever. I'm absolutely sure of it. The Cardinals are the Sixteen Candles Farmer Ted, King of the Geeks, heads of the worst division ever to play a game and call it football. The Falcons, meanwhile, are an upstart team, completely turned around from last year, and making semen squirt from penises across America.

The Falcons are the better team, but I can't vouch for a rookie quarterback in the playoffs. Shortloads and shortloads of fudge-y badness. I'm rooting for them, but I think the worse team will win.

Pick: Cardinals

Colts at Chargers

The Chargers always play the Colts tough, and won out to squeeze into the playoffs. But they're going to get faced. They're the horse-faced girl in that bad porn clip you downloaded last night. I hate to agree with Hernandez, but right is right, fair is fair, and Peyton Manning has a pretty mouth.

Pick: Colts

Ravens at Dolphins

The Ravens are my dark-horse pick to sneak into the Super Bowl. They play steady, and they consistently play hard. They never played an awful game this year. Not the best team in the AFC, but against a Miami Dolphins team that relies on a gimmick Wildcat offense to score points, I like them. These two teams met earlier in the year, and Baltimore ravished Miami with pearl necklaces and Dirty Sanchezs.

Hernandez says the Ravens D gets all the pub, but what he forgets is that the offense averaged 24 points a game this year. They'll do fine.

Pick: Ravens

Eagles at Vikings

Hernandez is wrong. I'm taking the Vikings. And for the tenth time this year, he takes a private email I write him and puts it on the blog when he points out that yes, Tavaris Jackson has a better QB rating than Eli Manning. Hernandez disparages the QB rating, but uses the much better argument that Eli "always makes the big play when he needs to." Which is so much of a better rating system for quarterbacks -- completely irrelevant rose-colored viewing by a homer Giants fan. In said private email, he didn't address that the Giants have *the best* offensive line in football, *the best* blocking fullback in football, and the 5th team ever to feature two running backs who gained 1000 yards in the same season. Ladies and gentlemen, that makes life 100 times easier on a quarterback.

For this post alone, I'm going out to Donovans weeks in advance of Hernandez's gift burger, befriending the cook, and hawking a big fat loogie into his ground beef beforehand. I know that sounds sick, but that's only because I'm going to drink a concoction of rat farts, ground up chicken feet and Country Club malt liquor before said loogie.

Pick: Vikings

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