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From my cousin Paul in Kansas City. Apparently the woeful Kansas City Royals tried to drum up attendance with a 'Christian Family Day'. Before you ask, yes, yes--Larry the Cucumber and Bob the Tomato from Veggie Tales *will* be there.

Here's Paul's take on the event. Oh, and this is posted without his consent. Sue me, cuz.

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Royals announce follow-ups to "Christian Family Night"

To overcome the limitations of a "small-market team," the Kansas City Royals have announced plans to use religion to try and crack some major markets in the world's population centers. The final home series of the year, against the Chicago White Sox, will include Hindu Spouse-Selection Night. Package deals are being sold throughout India and, by all accounts, the stadium will be filled, as will small, independently owned motels throughout the Midwest.

Baseball people haven't managed to get their game into the Olympics, but the Royals will be well-represented in Beijing later this month nevertheless, as they make final arrangements for Two Children Only Weekend, Sept. 5-7 against the Cleveland Indians.

Despite its restrictions on family size, China remains the world's biggest market, and the Royals will offer a variety of promotions during that series with the Indians.

Friday Sept. 5 will be Arranged-Adoption night. Families who give up a child to an adoptive family within the Royals Home Market region will receive two round-trip tickets from anywhere in China, two tickets to the game, and $40,000 under the table.

Saturday Sept. 6 will be abortion day. Families in China who choose to kill one of their children before its born will receive leftovers from T-Shirt Tuesdays throughout the season and an autographed, framed photo of Phill Kline. In addition, they will receive Buy One, Get One Free Certificates for any future Royals home game.

On Sunday Sept. 7, the Royals will recognize China's recent evolution from strict communism to a Godless authoritarian capitalistic system. This has been timed to coincide with the "Bodies Revealed" display leaving Kansas City after its run at Union Station. The "Bodies Revealed" show will be set up throughout Club Level concourses, where the displays can be enjoyed by fans 12 and under before and after the game. (Counseling will be available to tykes who find the program disturbing.)