Yeah, yeah, I've been sick all week. I'll spare you the boring details. But Keith's jibe about getting a papercut from Readers Digest was really funny because I actually DO get Readers Digest in the mail! I'm not entirely sure how, but I think when my parents got my wife a subscription to another magazine a couple of years ago as a Christmas present, Readers Digest was included in the deal free of charge. Smart move by them, because who the fuck would ever pay for that rag? Their articles suck, and their much lauded "jokes" have - along with Jay Leno - led to the neutering of an entire generation's sense of humor. (Actual examples below.)
Anyway, I don't ever read it, but it still comes every month. My dad has long since stopped asking me if I had caught a particular article in that month's issue. But my wife made the mistake of saying she had once, so now he asks her about it every single month. And she always has an answer for him. I think she reads the damn thing just because she knows he's going to ask her if she did, and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. It's really very sweet. And that's the closest we'll come to "endearing" on this site ever again.
Before I get to the picks, here's some housekeeping that probably only interests me. I won last week with a 9-7 record, while Keith put up a 5-11 again. Ouch! Keith had me on the ropes there at midseason, but I've taken command again with a 101-91 record to his 94-98. Still, it's not over yet. Keith is very calculating and competitive. On the flip side, when the big games really mean something I start to root and I let my heart get in the way of my head. So I'm fully capable of blowing this lead. Either way, Keith and I are each getting a delicious fucking burger.
--------------------
BEARS (3.5) vs Saints
Keith went over this one already, and nice job by him stealing the game on the Internet. I heartily endorse that. I just wanted to point out that most books had this spread at 3 by gametime, not 3.5. If that had been the case in our contest I would've lost the pick, but we go by Keith's work pool spreads. So to that guy who runs Keith's work pool who's either a really cool, sympathetic guy or a gigantic fucking asshole, "Thanks!"
Pick: Saints
Readers Digest Joke #1: Halfway through dinner one night, our friend Jim told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman.
"Did you play sports in college, Mike?" his wife then asked me.
"Yes," I answered.
"I was on West Point's shooting team."
"That's great," she said, appropriately impressed. "Offense or defense?"
--------------------
COWBOYS (3.5) vs Giants
Keith couldn't be more right about how awesome it is to watch a team you despise implode in public. I've visited a few Cowboys blogs this week just to have a laugh, and it's been well worth it. They're either burying their heads in the sand or making wild claims about a media conspiracy to take down the Cowboys. Outstanding.
I've posted my theory on T.O. before, right? That he's gay? Not gay as in, "Fuck that faggot T.O." Gay as in, "He literally is a closeted homosexual." (Although to be fair, fuck that faggot T.O.) I sincerely believe the severe psychological stress of having to live his life in the closet is what leads to all of his public outbursts. First he threw Jeff Garcia under the bus, then publicly accused him of being gay. Projecting much, T.O.? Then he abruptly turned on Donovan McNabb like only someone spurned sexually can do. And really now, doesn't McNabb seem a little gay too? He's not linked with any females except his mother, and he turned into a pussy in the Super Bowl. Hmmmm. Now T.O.'s allegedly jealous that Romo is too close with Jason Whitten? Please, girlfriend.
Pick: Giants
Underrated Giant of the Week: Jeff Feagles. I had to put him here at some point, even though he's not technically underrated because he's widely considered the best directional punter of all time. But I thought he deserved some love anyway. If he blows the game with a blocked kick or a return TD this week you can just shoot me.
Readers Digest Joke #2: My mother began getting calls from men who misdialed the similar number of an escort service. Mom, who had had her number for years, asked the telephone company to change the organization's number. They refused. The calls kept coming day and night.
Finally, Mom began telling the gentlemen who called that the company had gone out of business. Within a week, the escort service voluntarily changed its number.
--------------------
JETS (7.5) vs Bills
Trust me on this - the Bills have always been the Jets nemesis. The Jets got some revenge earlier this year, but I think Buffalo is catching these guys at the right time. Eric Manboobs always panics when he's in a tight spot, and this is the tightest it's ever been for him, except for when he tried to put on his old wedding suit earlier this year. Could we be seeing the Jets make a Mets-like collapse? God I hope so.
Pick: Bills
Readers Digest Joke #3: Trying to explain to our five-year-old daughter how much computers had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.
Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, “How big was the mouse?”
--------------------
Packers (1.5) vs JAGUARS
I hate this game because it forces me to choose between two teams who I swore I would never pick again this season. Both of these gutless punks quit weeks ago, and now I've got to favor one over the other? That blows. Cousin Sal from the Kimmel show had a great line about this game: "I think that spread moves once Fred Taylor bets the Packers."
Pick: Packers (even though they suck)
Readers Digest Joke #4: My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone. Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool.
Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."
--------------------
COLTS (16.5) vs Lions
The Colts still aren't as good as they have been in recent years, but they're hot right now, and due for another offensive explosion.
Pick: Colts
Readers Digest Joke #5: A buddy of mine, Mike, had season tickets to the Detroit Lions football games. Last year they had such a miserable record that he couldn't give away two tickets to a game he wasn't able to attend. While parking at a mall, he decided to leave the tickets under his windshield wiper. "And that worked?" I asked.
"Not exactly," said Mike. "I returned to find six more tickets to the same game."
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Redskins (6.5) vs BENGALS
Every dog has its day, right? No, I'm not talking about the underdog Bengals - they fucking suck! I'm talking about the vastly overrated Redskins, who had people in Washington creaming their dockers only a couple of weeks ago, before the bottom fell out once teams realized all they had to do to win was gang up on Clinton Portis. Yep, the Jason Campbell Era was fun while it lasted, but it's just not going to work out. Sorry D.C. - can't you just be happy with Doug Williams being your franchise's only great black QB? Still, as I said, every dog has its day...
Pick: Redskins
Readers Digest Joke #6: It is so rare to be offered a meal on airlines these days that I was surprised to hear the flight attendant ask the man sitting in front of me,
"Would you like dinner?"
"What are my choices?" he responded.
"Yes or no," she said.
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FALCONS (2.5) vs Buccaneers
The Falcons are so underrated they've become overrated. Even so, I'm taking them at home by a field goal over a Tampa team that looked like a JV squad on defense last Monday night. I think the Tampa D is solid but unspectacular, and also really old, which tends to be a problem the later it gets in the season. (I'm talking to you Ronde Barber.) Getting a steady diet of Michael Turner this week ain't going to fix what ails them.
Pick: Falcons
Readers Digest Joke #7: My boyfriend and I met online and we’d been dating for over a year. I introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up.
Ever the geek, Hans naïvely replied, “I just used a regular 56K modem.”
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DOLPHINS (6.5) vs 49ers
The Dolphins will win this game, but the 49ers will cover. San Fran has been rock solid since Singletary whipped his cock out, and nearly all of Miami's games have been close. BTW, did I call the Miami resurgence this year during my Week 1 picks/season preview? I believe I did. All hail Bill Parcells, my ultimate football hero.
Pick: 49ers
Readers Digest Joke #8: This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".
The duck asks “Do you have any grapes"?
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Seahawks (3.5) vs RAMS
When two teams are 2-11, is there ANY possible way to choose between them? I don't think so, except for maybe home field. Don't get me wrong - it's not like St. Louis' corporate enormodome (actually the Edward Jones Dome, which is just a terrible, terrible name) will be rocking and intimidating to the Seahawks, it's just that the Rams will be able to sleep in their own beds, eat their usual meals and fuck their own hos. All those things are pretty important.
Pick: Rams
Readers Digest Joke #9: A passing septic service truck declared "19,500 lbs. of very gross weight."
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Titans (3.5) vs TEXANS
People are getting a little out of control with this Texans thing. They have some talent, and they try real hard, but I sense more than a little whiff of the 2007 Cleveland Browns with this team. I just pray that doesn't mean we have to endure five nationally televised Texans games next year.
Pick: Titans
Readers Digest Joke #10: Fans of '60s music, my 14-year-old daughter and her best friend got front-row tickets to a Peter, Paul and Mary concert. When they returned home, my daughter said, "During the show, we looked back and saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At first we thought the people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience."
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RAVENS (1.5) vs Steelers
HULK SMASH!!!
Pick: Steelers
Readers Digest Joke #11: Even though it was warm outside, the heat was on full blast in my office at the hospital. So I asked our nursing unit secretary to get someone to fix it. This was a one-man job, so I could not figure out why two guys showed up -- until I was handed the maintenance request form. It read "Head nurse is hot."
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PANTHERS (7.5) vs Broncos
Keith's right - the Panthers will be looking ahead to next week at Giants Stadium. Also, can we stop sucking Carolina's dicks over Monday night's blowout? Yes, it was an incredible performance, but it followed three straight weeks of total suckitude. Carolina was playing like shit before last week, so which is the aberration?
Pick: Broncos
Readers Digest Joke #12: One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son Brian noticed that his mother had gone out. In answer to his questions, I told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"
I've always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, Brian," I said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."
Brian nodded, indicating that he understood. Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"
--------------------
Chargers (5.5) vs CHIEFS
This is my fourth time writing this, but Chiefs QB Tyler Thigpen is actually pretty good, and he will at least keep this game close against the San Diego pussies. Heck, he may even win it outright if, as I suspect, the Chargers have quit on Norv Turner. Nice knowing ya Norvie boy!
Pick: Chiefs
Readers Digest Joke #13: On a billboard ad for a safe company: "If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault."
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CARDINALS (3.5) vs Vikings
I don't think any of the teams from the NFC North are good, but chalk this one up to the old standby, "The team that needs the game more will most likely play harder." The Vikes certainly NEED this game more than the Cardinals do. And Arizona is still too soft to deal with intense teams. I don't even care that Tavaris Jackson is starting at QB; Minnesota probably wins this by 10.
Pick: Vikings
Readers Digest Joke #14: Just ahead of me in line at the movie theater was a woman with a cell phone glued to her ear, arguing with the ticket vendor.
"That movie can't be sold out!" she shouted. "I'm talking to my boyfriend who's sitting in the theater, and he says there's two empty seats next to him. One ticket, please."
She got her ticket.
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Patriots (7.5) vs RAIDERS
Astute analysis from Keith regarding Mr. Cassell. He could go either way. But the way the game is going to go is that, with New England's season on the line, Bill Belichik will coach the pants off Tom Cable. And no one wants to see Tom Cable without pants.
Pick: Patriots
Readers Digest Joke #15: My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, "Take it, Max," as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon.
Recently, I was traveling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, "I think I'll let Tom drive for a while."
"Tom who?" I asked.
My mother translated for me: "Tom Cruise, of course."
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EAGLES (14.5) vs Browns
For the third week in a row I will quote Warren Sapp on Inside The NFL. This time it was his comment about Andy Reid and how "he can't be trusted to lead his football team if he can't even be trusted to raise his kids the right way." Unfuckingbelievable. And the Browns will cover.
BTW, if there's any show Keith should be stealing it's Inside The NFL. Sapp, Collinsworth and Simms are awesome, and the NFL Flims highlight packages are beyond words. The best part is the audio, with players and coaches fully miked up so you can hear what they're saying to each other on the line of scrimmage and on the sidelines. Simply put - you're not a real football fan if you don't watch this shit.
Pick: Browns
Readers Digest Joke #16: Turning 50 two years ago, I took a lot of good-natured ribbing from family and friends. So as my wife's 50th birthday approached, I decided to get in some needling of my own. I sat her down, looked deep into her eyes, then said I had never made love to anyone who was over 50 years old.
"Oh, well, I have," she deadpanned. "It's not that great."
--------------------
What a Sunday this is shaping up to be. Jets/Bills at 1pm, Steelers/Ravens at 4pm, and Giants/Cowboys at 8pm. And I will see none of it live because I have to go get a fucking Christmas tree and then go fucking Christmas shopping while I battle the fucking degenerate crowds of South Brooklyn. Fuck.
Thank god for the DVR, which might literally catch fire tomorrow from recording 12 straight hours of pigskin. But it'll all be worth it if the Giants beat the Cowboys. Getcha popcorn ready!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
week 15 picks
Hernandez is still surfing in an ocean of his own salt tears because he got a paper cut from the mailer card out of his latest issue of 'Readers Digest'. I'm pickin up the slack for the pre-op douchebag.
The mood in New York is a little weird right night now. We have Wall Street collapsing. There's a guy named Dick Fuld in the news every week or so. We have the Yankees paying $161 million for a pitcher, the richest pitcher contract in history, during this recession. We have the Mets paying $37 million for therapy, because the pitcher they got isn't going to make them believe in themselves. We've got a race for the Lesbian Hillary Clinton's Senate spot, just when we thought it was safe to forget about politics.
So it seems like *ages* ago that Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg and got the Giants worrying enough to make poop smores against the Eagles last weekend. Which is cool, because this week, the Giants are travelling to Dallas to do the Texas Testicle 2-step. If you read the headlines this week, Terrell Owens is convinced that his QB and Tight End are working against him, Thomas Newman thinks the coaches aren't taking ownership of their mistakes, and the Cowboys are falling apart.
I know that's not much detail. The fact is--it's ridiculous fun to watch a team you hate fall apart at the seams, especially three weeks before the playoffs. So let's start this pick week off with a Giants win.
Oh yeah, the Cowboys are favored by 3.5 points. I wish payday had been today, I'd bet my whole paycheck on the Giants.
COWBOYS (3.5) vs. Giants
Pick: Giants
------------------------------------
Hernandez lucked into a win on the Thursday game (saints covering against the bears). If you're a new york city cable victim, you don't get the NFL Network. But after a number of weekends and work weekdays searching for Liverpool soccer online, I was able to find the Bears/Saints game, and so I watched my first ever lo-fi football game. It was tremendous. I love that you can steal football games.
Just spitballing--I'm leaving the hard cold analysis to the sickness sack Hernandez. Yo bubble boy--here are the rest of my picks.
-------------------------------------------------
Jets, 7.5 points over the Bills. touh
(Note: That's as far as I got last night on this post before I went to sleep. I couldn't let that cogent analysis slip. Now I just need to figure out how to pronounce 'touh'.)
Pick: Jets
-------------------------------------------------
Jaguars vs. Packers (1.5)
Both of these teams are done. The Packers lost their last three home games to eliminate themselves, and Jaguars RB Fred Taylor announced recently this is the worst team he's ever been on. Good times, good times.
Now that the Packers have nothing to play for, I'm sure they'll start performing. Kinda like an ex-girlfriend after you leave her.
Pick: Packers
-------------------------------------------------
Colts (16.5) vs. Lions
Wow. That spread is XXL. The Lions are shooting for a historical season--they could be the first team ever to finish with no wins. This would hopefully mean we'll never have to see them on Thanksgiving again.
They'll lose this one too, but I'm hoping it's only by 13 or 14 points.
Pick: Lions
-------------------------------------------------
Bengals vs. Redskins (6.5)
Ever since the Bengals gave the Giants a scare early this year, I've thought they would make the occasional upset as the year went. Now that they're 1-11-1, I'm starting to think that was a hasty assumption.
Pick: Redskins
-------------------------------------------------
Falcons vs. Buccaneers (2.5)
Two very good teams in a must-win game for Atlanta. Let's see what Matt Ryan has in the Department of Testicles in this, the biggest game of his life so far.
Pick: Falcons
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Dolphins (6.5) vs. 49ers
The 49ers have been playing fairly well under their new coach Mike Singletary, I've read. I just don't give two shits.
Pick: Dolphins
-------------------------------------------------
Rams vs. Seahawks (3.5)
Ugh. Two 2-11 teams. Cousin Sal from the Kimmel show had the best line for this game - "This is a must-lose game for both teams."
Pick: Seahawks
-------------------------------------------------
Texans vs. Titans (3.5)
Ok. The Titans are still one of the strongest teams in the AFC. But its starting to feel more apparent that the team coming out of the AFC for the Super Bowl is either in Pittsburgh or Baltimore. I think the Titans are going to lose another game or two this year, and this would be a pretty cool upset, even though I hate just about everything about the city of Houston and the state of Texas.
Pick: Texans
-------------------------------------------------
Ravens (1.5) vs. Steelers
Wow. This game has the potential to be the greatest game of this year. The top two defenses in the league, a game apart in the standings, fighting for first place. If Baltimore wins both teams are 10-4, and I'm not sure how the tiebreaker works right now -- the rules are more complicated than the game of football itself. Also, this could very conceivably be a preview for the AFC Championship game which could very well be hosted in the city of the team that wins this game.
I, myself, detest Ben Roethlisberger with a passion. The Steelers' offensive line is definitely not what they used to be, so their running game has fallen off. Naturally in an offense set like that you'd want a QB who can get rid of the ball quickly, or who can at least scramble and give himself time. Roethlisberger does neither. He just sits there in the pocket until one of his receivers gets open, or he goes down. Also, he looks like a retarded Will Ferrell, who also looks like a retarded Will Ferrell.
I'll be rooting for about 25 sacks of the QB in this one.
Pick: Ravens
-------------------------------------------------
Panthers (7.5) vs. Broncos
This spread is uncomfortably high, and the Panthers are no doubt looking ahead to next Sunday when they come to Giants stadium for my second ever NFL football game, also again with Hernandez. But with a slim one-game lead, this is still an important game for them. The Panthers also play very well at home. I have no idea what I'm talking about. Big cats beat horsies?
Pick: Panthers
-------------------------------------------------
Chiefs vs. Chargers (5.5)
Enough with the San Diego Chargers. I keep checking their schedule in the hopes that rather than an NFL team they'll be facing a firing squad on an upcoming Sunday. San Diego sounds like a nice place, and I hope that after they blow a game against the terrible Chiefs, they get their pisschrist of a coach Norv Turner fired.
People disparaged Eli Manning and called him a prima donna for insisting he wouldn't play in San Diego after they drafted him earlier this decade. And looking at what's transpired there since, I can think of one word to characterize Eli after his controversial decision: RIGHT.
Pick: Chiefs
-------------------------------------------------
Cardinals (5.5) vs. Vikings
The Cardinals have locked up the terrible NFC West, so they don't really need to fight for this one. But since Arizona playoff appearances happen about as often as comet sightings or good Coldplay concerts, I think they're going to play their butts off. The Vikings don't match up well, either. They're good up front, but they can't cover the Cardinals' receivers.
Pick: Cardinals
-------------------------------------------------
Raiders vs. Patriots (7.5)
No one knows what will happen here. Pats QB Matt Cassell, already under the media magnifying glass all year lost his father this week, and only practiced with the team once. This is one of those situations where you can see the football players-as-warriors analogy: Cassell's teammates will play their asses off for him, and he'll play an amazing game in his father's memory. This is what happened when Brett Favre lost his father, he played arguably the best game of his 72-year career.
On the other hand, it could be a day where he doesn't feel like being at work because he has much more important things on his mind.
I believe in him. I also believe that the Raiders are hellbound shit scallops wrapped in shit bacon.
Pick: Patriots
-------------------------------------------------
Eagles (14.5) vs. Browns
Poor Browns. 3rd string QB against one of the hottest teams in the NFL.
Pick: Eagles
The mood in New York is a little weird right night now. We have Wall Street collapsing. There's a guy named Dick Fuld in the news every week or so. We have the Yankees paying $161 million for a pitcher, the richest pitcher contract in history, during this recession. We have the Mets paying $37 million for therapy, because the pitcher they got isn't going to make them believe in themselves. We've got a race for the Lesbian Hillary Clinton's Senate spot, just when we thought it was safe to forget about politics.
So it seems like *ages* ago that Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg and got the Giants worrying enough to make poop smores against the Eagles last weekend. Which is cool, because this week, the Giants are travelling to Dallas to do the Texas Testicle 2-step. If you read the headlines this week, Terrell Owens is convinced that his QB and Tight End are working against him, Thomas Newman thinks the coaches aren't taking ownership of their mistakes, and the Cowboys are falling apart.
I know that's not much detail. The fact is--it's ridiculous fun to watch a team you hate fall apart at the seams, especially three weeks before the playoffs. So let's start this pick week off with a Giants win.
Oh yeah, the Cowboys are favored by 3.5 points. I wish payday had been today, I'd bet my whole paycheck on the Giants.
COWBOYS (3.5) vs. Giants
Pick: Giants
------------------------------------
Hernandez lucked into a win on the Thursday game (saints covering against the bears). If you're a new york city cable victim, you don't get the NFL Network. But after a number of weekends and work weekdays searching for Liverpool soccer online, I was able to find the Bears/Saints game, and so I watched my first ever lo-fi football game. It was tremendous. I love that you can steal football games.
Just spitballing--I'm leaving the hard cold analysis to the sickness sack Hernandez. Yo bubble boy--here are the rest of my picks.
-------------------------------------------------
Jets, 7.5 points over the Bills. touh
(Note: That's as far as I got last night on this post before I went to sleep. I couldn't let that cogent analysis slip. Now I just need to figure out how to pronounce 'touh'.)
Pick: Jets
-------------------------------------------------
Jaguars vs. Packers (1.5)
Both of these teams are done. The Packers lost their last three home games to eliminate themselves, and Jaguars RB Fred Taylor announced recently this is the worst team he's ever been on. Good times, good times.
Now that the Packers have nothing to play for, I'm sure they'll start performing. Kinda like an ex-girlfriend after you leave her.
Pick: Packers
-------------------------------------------------
Colts (16.5) vs. Lions
Wow. That spread is XXL. The Lions are shooting for a historical season--they could be the first team ever to finish with no wins. This would hopefully mean we'll never have to see them on Thanksgiving again.
They'll lose this one too, but I'm hoping it's only by 13 or 14 points.
Pick: Lions
-------------------------------------------------
Bengals vs. Redskins (6.5)
Ever since the Bengals gave the Giants a scare early this year, I've thought they would make the occasional upset as the year went. Now that they're 1-11-1, I'm starting to think that was a hasty assumption.
Pick: Redskins
-------------------------------------------------
Falcons vs. Buccaneers (2.5)
Two very good teams in a must-win game for Atlanta. Let's see what Matt Ryan has in the Department of Testicles in this, the biggest game of his life so far.
Pick: Falcons
-------------------------------------------------
Dolphins (6.5) vs. 49ers
The 49ers have been playing fairly well under their new coach Mike Singletary, I've read. I just don't give two shits.
Pick: Dolphins
-------------------------------------------------
Rams vs. Seahawks (3.5)
Ugh. Two 2-11 teams. Cousin Sal from the Kimmel show had the best line for this game - "This is a must-lose game for both teams."
Pick: Seahawks
-------------------------------------------------
Texans vs. Titans (3.5)
Ok. The Titans are still one of the strongest teams in the AFC. But its starting to feel more apparent that the team coming out of the AFC for the Super Bowl is either in Pittsburgh or Baltimore. I think the Titans are going to lose another game or two this year, and this would be a pretty cool upset, even though I hate just about everything about the city of Houston and the state of Texas.
Pick: Texans
-------------------------------------------------
Ravens (1.5) vs. Steelers
Wow. This game has the potential to be the greatest game of this year. The top two defenses in the league, a game apart in the standings, fighting for first place. If Baltimore wins both teams are 10-4, and I'm not sure how the tiebreaker works right now -- the rules are more complicated than the game of football itself. Also, this could very conceivably be a preview for the AFC Championship game which could very well be hosted in the city of the team that wins this game.
I, myself, detest Ben Roethlisberger with a passion. The Steelers' offensive line is definitely not what they used to be, so their running game has fallen off. Naturally in an offense set like that you'd want a QB who can get rid of the ball quickly, or who can at least scramble and give himself time. Roethlisberger does neither. He just sits there in the pocket until one of his receivers gets open, or he goes down. Also, he looks like a retarded Will Ferrell, who also looks like a retarded Will Ferrell.
I'll be rooting for about 25 sacks of the QB in this one.
Pick: Ravens
-------------------------------------------------
Panthers (7.5) vs. Broncos
This spread is uncomfortably high, and the Panthers are no doubt looking ahead to next Sunday when they come to Giants stadium for my second ever NFL football game, also again with Hernandez. But with a slim one-game lead, this is still an important game for them. The Panthers also play very well at home. I have no idea what I'm talking about. Big cats beat horsies?
Pick: Panthers
-------------------------------------------------
Chiefs vs. Chargers (5.5)
Enough with the San Diego Chargers. I keep checking their schedule in the hopes that rather than an NFL team they'll be facing a firing squad on an upcoming Sunday. San Diego sounds like a nice place, and I hope that after they blow a game against the terrible Chiefs, they get their pisschrist of a coach Norv Turner fired.
People disparaged Eli Manning and called him a prima donna for insisting he wouldn't play in San Diego after they drafted him earlier this decade. And looking at what's transpired there since, I can think of one word to characterize Eli after his controversial decision: RIGHT.
Pick: Chiefs
-------------------------------------------------
Cardinals (5.5) vs. Vikings
The Cardinals have locked up the terrible NFC West, so they don't really need to fight for this one. But since Arizona playoff appearances happen about as often as comet sightings or good Coldplay concerts, I think they're going to play their butts off. The Vikings don't match up well, either. They're good up front, but they can't cover the Cardinals' receivers.
Pick: Cardinals
-------------------------------------------------
Raiders vs. Patriots (7.5)
No one knows what will happen here. Pats QB Matt Cassell, already under the media magnifying glass all year lost his father this week, and only practiced with the team once. This is one of those situations where you can see the football players-as-warriors analogy: Cassell's teammates will play their asses off for him, and he'll play an amazing game in his father's memory. This is what happened when Brett Favre lost his father, he played arguably the best game of his 72-year career.
On the other hand, it could be a day where he doesn't feel like being at work because he has much more important things on his mind.
I believe in him. I also believe that the Raiders are hellbound shit scallops wrapped in shit bacon.
Pick: Patriots
-------------------------------------------------
Eagles (14.5) vs. Browns
Poor Browns. 3rd string QB against one of the hottest teams in the NFL.
Pick: Eagles
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Thursday night NFL Suck Suck
Hernandez is nursing a raw nipple, so he wanted to tell you that he picked the New Orleans Saints to cover the 3.5 point spread. I picked the Bears.
Because you can't watch the NFL Network in New York unless you have a satellite dish in your thong, I found the game online. It took awhile, but I watched the Bears go up 21-7. I felt good.
In addition to the burger bet with Hernandez, I participate in a couple of pools. In my work pool, there are only 15-16 people playing each week. But I've never won it. In fact, the guy who runs the pool left but still comes by to collect cash. This week, when he came for the money he told me he was rooting for me b/c out of the 15-16 people in the pool, I was one of two who had yet to win. Was he behind me? Was he mocking me? I'll never know.
So my karma is in a shitburger chicken, because the Saints figured out a way to take the lead, force the game to overtime, and lose by a 3-pronged-Satan chicken-gutting point margin. So the Bears won, but Hernandez wins the pick, and I am not happy.
Speaking of Hernandez, he promises me that he will stop blowing spit bubbles and wearing diapers and will spit out a post in the next few days.
Because you can't watch the NFL Network in New York unless you have a satellite dish in your thong, I found the game online. It took awhile, but I watched the Bears go up 21-7. I felt good.
In addition to the burger bet with Hernandez, I participate in a couple of pools. In my work pool, there are only 15-16 people playing each week. But I've never won it. In fact, the guy who runs the pool left but still comes by to collect cash. This week, when he came for the money he told me he was rooting for me b/c out of the 15-16 people in the pool, I was one of two who had yet to win. Was he behind me? Was he mocking me? I'll never know.
So my karma is in a shitburger chicken, because the Saints figured out a way to take the lead, force the game to overtime, and lose by a 3-pronged-Satan chicken-gutting point margin. So the Bears won, but Hernandez wins the pick, and I am not happy.
Speaking of Hernandez, he promises me that he will stop blowing spit bubbles and wearing diapers and will spit out a post in the next few days.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
KROD
Nope, not a radio station. The Mets did themselves a doody by spending $37 million on the bespectacled closer from the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. (The fucking stupidity of calling a team that deserves a whole 'nother post. It's like calling yourself a New Yorker when you live in Staten Island. Snap!)
No position is more overrated in baseball than the elite closer. Teams constantly pay $1-$5 million to pitchers who will start 35 games during the course of the year who they hope will pitch 6 innings every time they go out there. But they'll spend almost $13 million a year on a guy who comes on to get three outs with a lead in the ninth inning. Any pitcher worth his salt should be able to get 3 guys out more often than not.
In fairness, one of the reasons the Mets missed the playoffs this year was because their bullpen was Switzerland Cheese, but the main reason why is that they paid $42 million to closer Billy Wagner three years ago. At that point Billy Wagner was in the same echelon that K-Rod is now.
But any pitcher has a bad day. Hernandez and I were at a Mets/Cards game a couple years ago when Wagner lost the game. And more importantly, in the crucial 2006 NLCS between the Mets & Cardinals, Wagner lost Game 2 by giving up a 3-run homer to So Taguchi, the Cardinals' weakest hitter in that playoff. If the Mets win that game, they go up 2-0 and probably head to the World Series. So why pay so much for a relief pitcher?
I'm sure it wounds Hernandez to hear this, but the Cardinals' closer in that series was an unproven but extremely talented Adam Wainwright, who got the out that really counted -- the last out in that series, on one of the most amazing curveballs ever thrown in postseason history. Wainwright is now one of the top two starting pitchers on my Cardinals, and he's going to make $2.6 million next year. Comparing that to the K-Rod contract, well, that leaves over $10 million for strippers & candy.
There are a couple guys who play baseball who excel at this position, and it just so happens that Yankees closer Mariano Rivera does it better than anyone else. In fact, he may be the best closer in the history of the game. So I chalk this move up to the Mets' ongoing insecurity in New York.
The Mets are the Jan Brady of baseball.
No position is more overrated in baseball than the elite closer. Teams constantly pay $1-$5 million to pitchers who will start 35 games during the course of the year who they hope will pitch 6 innings every time they go out there. But they'll spend almost $13 million a year on a guy who comes on to get three outs with a lead in the ninth inning. Any pitcher worth his salt should be able to get 3 guys out more often than not.
In fairness, one of the reasons the Mets missed the playoffs this year was because their bullpen was Switzerland Cheese, but the main reason why is that they paid $42 million to closer Billy Wagner three years ago. At that point Billy Wagner was in the same echelon that K-Rod is now.
But any pitcher has a bad day. Hernandez and I were at a Mets/Cards game a couple years ago when Wagner lost the game. And more importantly, in the crucial 2006 NLCS between the Mets & Cardinals, Wagner lost Game 2 by giving up a 3-run homer to So Taguchi, the Cardinals' weakest hitter in that playoff. If the Mets win that game, they go up 2-0 and probably head to the World Series. So why pay so much for a relief pitcher?
I'm sure it wounds Hernandez to hear this, but the Cardinals' closer in that series was an unproven but extremely talented Adam Wainwright, who got the out that really counted -- the last out in that series, on one of the most amazing curveballs ever thrown in postseason history. Wainwright is now one of the top two starting pitchers on my Cardinals, and he's going to make $2.6 million next year. Comparing that to the K-Rod contract, well, that leaves over $10 million for strippers & candy.
There are a couple guys who play baseball who excel at this position, and it just so happens that Yankees closer Mariano Rivera does it better than anyone else. In fact, he may be the best closer in the history of the game. So I chalk this move up to the Mets' ongoing insecurity in New York.
The Mets are the Jan Brady of baseball.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Keith's week 14 picks plus site news
So let's start with the site news: "I'm Keith Hernandez" is going to roll out a fresh-looking new site beginning next week. We'll have 100 posts under our belt by the end of the year, and with the new look we're going to attract bee-like traffic, generate some sick advertising revenue, make industry contacts, quit our day jobs and head out west, get high-profile jobs punching up Hannah Montana scripts with dick jokes, hit rock bottom, and later sell your nieces and nephews used cars and handjobs.
Also, we're at that point in the season where football fan Sundays are shuttered, curtained TV extravaganzas, where football fans get glassy-eyed and jaw-locked. We stop trying at our jobs, stop talking, stop bathing and stop making sense. Let us be.
So let's get onto the Week 14 picks, shall we?
GIANTS (-8.5) vs. Eagles
I'm sure even casual sports fans have heard the name 'Plaxico' too many times this week. I'm not worried about the Giants without Plax. The drama with him has become embarrassing for an otherwise unprecedented Super Bowl follow-up season. But what's worse is that when Plax is playing, Eli Manning feels compelled to throw to him even when he's in double coverage. I'm guessing that in the locker room before games, Plaxico corners Eli and threatens to cut him if he doesn't get 10 throws. With Burress off the field, Eli is safe to untuck his manhood from in between his thighs, and plays better.
No, my main concern is that the token black guy on SNL isn't good enough to play Plax in their next performance. I wonder if Armisen taunts him everytime there's a new Obama sketch, maybe throwing in a little beat-box.
My main concern is that Antonio Pierce, the nexus of this Giants defense, is implicated in this whole mess as well. I don't know what the latest news reports are because I did a couple shots when I heard OJ got 15 (!!), but he's potentially liable for an obstruction of justice charge and a suspension. It's a sick situation because you knew the team couldn't WAIT to suspend Plax for being a big baby, but they can't afford to lose Pierce.
The Eagles have a great opportunity for catching a great team on a bad week with all the distractions, but the fact remains, the Eagles are from Philadelphia. The Phillies sucked 100 years of sports karma out of Philadelphia when they won the World Series. Somebody on the Giants defense is going to make Donovan McNabb his personal bitch.
PICK: GIANTS
---------------------------------------
Jets (4.5) vs. 49ERS
Brett Fuckvre. Just wanted to see how that looked on the page.
The real key to the Jets success is their incredible defensive line. But today...the Jets took some media pressure off the Giants when DE Shaun Ellis got picked up with marijuana in Jersey. Oh, and he was speeding.
The fact that most people forget about football is that this is a debilitating, debilitating sport. There is a huge trail of ex-athletes who's bodies completely break down. So what is the big fkn deal if Shaun Ellis and Ricky Williams mix medicine with pleasure?
Anyway, the 49ers are a mediocre team this Jets team was designed to crush.
PICK: JETS
--------------------------------------------
COLTS (13.5) vs. Bengals
The Colts are scary. They've fallen off a cliff in quality this year, but Peyton Manning is this strange Robocop magician who can somehow lead this team to ugly victory after ugly victory. They could make it well into the playoffs. Or maybe I've been brainwashed by ESPN.
Still, a 1-10-1 Bengals team can come within two touchdowns.
PICK: BENGALS
--------------------------------------------
BEARS (3.5) vs. Jaguars
For non-football fans, the head coaches in this matchup are Lovie Smith and Jack Del Rio. You don't get more horny than that.
PICK: BEARS
--------------------------------------------
PACKERS (5.5) vs. Texans
If Green Bay doesn't destroy the Houston Texans on Sunday, they'll be 5-8. And at that point, maybe I'll get to stop hearing about what a great team they are.
PICK: PACKERS
--------------------------------------------
TITANS (13.5) vs. Browns
I only pick this game because I want that free burger from Hernandez, but let's face it: This country is 25% better if the cities of Houston and Cleveland didn't exist.
PICK: TITANS
--------------------------------------------
Vikings (9.5) vs. LIONS
The Detroit Lions are 0-12. No NFL team has ever gone 0-16. In 1976, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers went 0-14, and the schedule was expanded shortly thereafter. It would be a historic moment.
And who doesn't like to live through a historic moment?
PICK: VIKINGS
--------------------------------------------
Patriots (5.5) vs. SEAHAWKS
Don't care.
PICK: PATRIOTS
--------------------------------------------
SAINTS (3.5) vs. Falcons
The Saints had three players suspended this week for steroid use. The Saints are 6-6, have the best quarterback in the league (w/ Tom Brady injured), and are going to finish in last place. Somebody really hates New Orleans.
What's truly amazing is that Falcons rookie QB Matt Ryan has turned around a losing team in the toughest division in football, and could make the playoffs. I'm rooting like hell for this team.
PICK: FALCONS
--------------------------------------------
BILLS (1.5) vs. Dolphins
The NFL is so embarrassed by the 'city' of Buffalo that they're playing this one in Canada. Both Hernandez and I were high on this team early in the year, but they're starting to look like the 12 year-old kid sneaking into the basement to wash his newly bedwetted sheets.
PICK: DOLPHINS
--------------------------------------------
BRONCOS (8.5) vs. Chiefs
Don't care. Flipping a coin.
PICK: CHIEFS
--------------------------------------------
CARDINALS (12.5) vs. Rams
The only reason the Cardinals are in Arizona and the Rams are in St . Louis is because of Arizona owner Bill Bidwell, who moved the team to their retirement home the year after my family moved back to St. Louis. He's George Steinbrenner minus charisma and success.
But the Rams are a strip mall of a franchise. Soon after they came to St. Louis they won a Super Bowl, but it wasn't a very likeable team after that year. And I wish they'd leave.
So as usual, I'm rooting for injuries. But I'd like to see the Cardinals dismantle the Rams. 25 years after their move west, I think they're still closest to a St. Louis NFL franchise.
PICK: CARDINALS
--------------------------------------------
STEELERS (3.5) vs. Cowboys
This is a game for the ages. After the Lakers & Celtics, Steelers/Cowboys is easily the most enormous cross-league rivalry in professional sports. It's oil vs. steel.
I hate the Cowboys with a passion. They self-anointed themselves 'America's team' many years ago, and are loaded with a talented, egotistical underpeforming roster, while the Steelers play the ugliest football known to man.
I'm rooting against the Cowboys, but the fact is that the NFL season gets much more exciting if the Cowboys can go into Pittsburgh and win this game. That's the best thing about the NFL -- you learn week-to-week what teams are capable of when they're in must-win situations. The Cowboys really need this game, and the Steelers don't. I'm expecting an epic game.
PICK: COWBOYS
--------------------------------------------
RAVENS (5.5) vs. Redskins
'The Wire' vs. 'The West Wing'. This game was moved to Sunday Night Football in the hopes that this would be a well-fought contest, but I have news for the Redskins: you're done. Right now Baltimore is my AFC pick for the Super Bowl. Hernandez and I saw the Giants take them down a few weeks ago, but they were in the game almost the whole way, and they're getting better week-to-week.
PICK: RAVENS
--------------------------------------------
PANTHERS (3.5) vs. Buccaneers
Because ESPN pays little lip service to the South, we're missing out on coverage of the most talented division in all of football. Both of these teams are 9-3, and the winner of this game is the 2nd best team in the NFC behind the Giants. Let's go with the Bucs.
PICK: BUCCANEERS
--------------------------------------------
Also, we're at that point in the season where football fan Sundays are shuttered, curtained TV extravaganzas, where football fans get glassy-eyed and jaw-locked. We stop trying at our jobs, stop talking, stop bathing and stop making sense. Let us be.
So let's get onto the Week 14 picks, shall we?
GIANTS (-8.5) vs. Eagles
I'm sure even casual sports fans have heard the name 'Plaxico' too many times this week. I'm not worried about the Giants without Plax. The drama with him has become embarrassing for an otherwise unprecedented Super Bowl follow-up season. But what's worse is that when Plax is playing, Eli Manning feels compelled to throw to him even when he's in double coverage. I'm guessing that in the locker room before games, Plaxico corners Eli and threatens to cut him if he doesn't get 10 throws. With Burress off the field, Eli is safe to untuck his manhood from in between his thighs, and plays better.
No, my main concern is that the token black guy on SNL isn't good enough to play Plax in their next performance. I wonder if Armisen taunts him everytime there's a new Obama sketch, maybe throwing in a little beat-box.
My main concern is that Antonio Pierce, the nexus of this Giants defense, is implicated in this whole mess as well. I don't know what the latest news reports are because I did a couple shots when I heard OJ got 15 (!!), but he's potentially liable for an obstruction of justice charge and a suspension. It's a sick situation because you knew the team couldn't WAIT to suspend Plax for being a big baby, but they can't afford to lose Pierce.
The Eagles have a great opportunity for catching a great team on a bad week with all the distractions, but the fact remains, the Eagles are from Philadelphia. The Phillies sucked 100 years of sports karma out of Philadelphia when they won the World Series. Somebody on the Giants defense is going to make Donovan McNabb his personal bitch.
PICK: GIANTS
---------------------------------------
Jets (4.5) vs. 49ERS
Brett Fuckvre. Just wanted to see how that looked on the page.
The real key to the Jets success is their incredible defensive line. But today...the Jets took some media pressure off the Giants when DE Shaun Ellis got picked up with marijuana in Jersey. Oh, and he was speeding.
The fact that most people forget about football is that this is a debilitating, debilitating sport. There is a huge trail of ex-athletes who's bodies completely break down. So what is the big fkn deal if Shaun Ellis and Ricky Williams mix medicine with pleasure?
Anyway, the 49ers are a mediocre team this Jets team was designed to crush.
PICK: JETS
--------------------------------------------
COLTS (13.5) vs. Bengals
The Colts are scary. They've fallen off a cliff in quality this year, but Peyton Manning is this strange Robocop magician who can somehow lead this team to ugly victory after ugly victory. They could make it well into the playoffs. Or maybe I've been brainwashed by ESPN.
Still, a 1-10-1 Bengals team can come within two touchdowns.
PICK: BENGALS
--------------------------------------------
BEARS (3.5) vs. Jaguars
For non-football fans, the head coaches in this matchup are Lovie Smith and Jack Del Rio. You don't get more horny than that.
PICK: BEARS
--------------------------------------------
PACKERS (5.5) vs. Texans
If Green Bay doesn't destroy the Houston Texans on Sunday, they'll be 5-8. And at that point, maybe I'll get to stop hearing about what a great team they are.
PICK: PACKERS
--------------------------------------------
TITANS (13.5) vs. Browns
I only pick this game because I want that free burger from Hernandez, but let's face it: This country is 25% better if the cities of Houston and Cleveland didn't exist.
PICK: TITANS
--------------------------------------------
Vikings (9.5) vs. LIONS
The Detroit Lions are 0-12. No NFL team has ever gone 0-16. In 1976, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers went 0-14, and the schedule was expanded shortly thereafter. It would be a historic moment.
And who doesn't like to live through a historic moment?
PICK: VIKINGS
--------------------------------------------
Patriots (5.5) vs. SEAHAWKS
Don't care.
PICK: PATRIOTS
--------------------------------------------
SAINTS (3.5) vs. Falcons
The Saints had three players suspended this week for steroid use. The Saints are 6-6, have the best quarterback in the league (w/ Tom Brady injured), and are going to finish in last place. Somebody really hates New Orleans.
What's truly amazing is that Falcons rookie QB Matt Ryan has turned around a losing team in the toughest division in football, and could make the playoffs. I'm rooting like hell for this team.
PICK: FALCONS
--------------------------------------------
BILLS (1.5) vs. Dolphins
The NFL is so embarrassed by the 'city' of Buffalo that they're playing this one in Canada. Both Hernandez and I were high on this team early in the year, but they're starting to look like the 12 year-old kid sneaking into the basement to wash his newly bedwetted sheets.
PICK: DOLPHINS
--------------------------------------------
BRONCOS (8.5) vs. Chiefs
Don't care. Flipping a coin.
PICK: CHIEFS
--------------------------------------------
CARDINALS (12.5) vs. Rams
The only reason the Cardinals are in Arizona and the Rams are in St . Louis is because of Arizona owner Bill Bidwell, who moved the team to their retirement home the year after my family moved back to St. Louis. He's George Steinbrenner minus charisma and success.
But the Rams are a strip mall of a franchise. Soon after they came to St. Louis they won a Super Bowl, but it wasn't a very likeable team after that year. And I wish they'd leave.
So as usual, I'm rooting for injuries. But I'd like to see the Cardinals dismantle the Rams. 25 years after their move west, I think they're still closest to a St. Louis NFL franchise.
PICK: CARDINALS
--------------------------------------------
STEELERS (3.5) vs. Cowboys
This is a game for the ages. After the Lakers & Celtics, Steelers/Cowboys is easily the most enormous cross-league rivalry in professional sports. It's oil vs. steel.
I hate the Cowboys with a passion. They self-anointed themselves 'America's team' many years ago, and are loaded with a talented, egotistical underpeforming roster, while the Steelers play the ugliest football known to man.
I'm rooting against the Cowboys, but the fact is that the NFL season gets much more exciting if the Cowboys can go into Pittsburgh and win this game. That's the best thing about the NFL -- you learn week-to-week what teams are capable of when they're in must-win situations. The Cowboys really need this game, and the Steelers don't. I'm expecting an epic game.
PICK: COWBOYS
--------------------------------------------
RAVENS (5.5) vs. Redskins
'The Wire' vs. 'The West Wing'. This game was moved to Sunday Night Football in the hopes that this would be a well-fought contest, but I have news for the Redskins: you're done. Right now Baltimore is my AFC pick for the Super Bowl. Hernandez and I saw the Giants take them down a few weeks ago, but they were in the game almost the whole way, and they're getting better week-to-week.
PICK: RAVENS
--------------------------------------------
PANTHERS (3.5) vs. Buccaneers
Because ESPN pays little lip service to the South, we're missing out on coverage of the most talented division in all of football. Both of these teams are 9-3, and the winner of this game is the 2nd best team in the NFC behind the Giants. Let's go with the Bucs.
PICK: BUCCANEERS
--------------------------------------------
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Odds, Sods, and a Pick
There's so much shit going down in sports, so here's the part where I do a lame wrapup instead of buckling down and writing a focused post on one topic. This might wind up all over the map, making it hard to respond to, but it's fun to write and hopefully fun to read, so bite me.
First off, Keith finished last week with a 5-11 record in the ongoing NFL picks battle. I, on the other hand, went 10-6. Woo-hoo! That means I'm finally back in the lead for the season, 92-84 to his 89-87. I fully expect this to change over the next few weeks. I torched my main man last week, but he could kill me this week, so who the fuck knows anything? All I know is we're both over .500 for the year, and that's really all that matters. That, and that fact that my Donovan's bacon cheeseburger with fried onions, medium rare, is going to taste even sweeter since I won't be paying for it.
Since we're talking picks, here's my Thursday Night Special. It's like a Saturday Night Special, only instead of it being a cheap firearm used by street punks to hold people up for money, it's a football game played by street punks that Vegas is using to hold people up for money, at least if you go by the spread in this one. Which is...
CHARGERS (9.5) vs. Raiders
WHAT?!! The Chargers are favored by 9.5? The 4-8 Chargers? The ones coached by Norv Turner?! This can't be right, can it? Oakland is only a game behind San Diego, and unlike those pussies from the Whale's Vagina, they don't actually have any talent on their roster. (Except for that kooky African DB whose name I can't pronounce and who I've never seen make a play because no one throws at him. He's been getting a ton of pub this season, and I really can't tell if it's warranted or not. My guess is it's not.) The Raiders flat out suck, but the Chargers have been inexcusable this season. I hope whining LaDanian Tomlinson breaks both his legs and an arm just for stealing his nickname from LT. I've been over this before.
Pick: Raiders
I'll have the rest sometime before 1pm Sunday.
------------------------------
So what else is going on in football this week? Not much except that whole Plaxico Burress thing. I don't know what to add except that I'm not surprised it's come to this. We all knew Plax was a dick when we signed him, and now those chickens have come home to roost. I could go on and on about how he's soiled the Giants image and brought embarrassment to the league, and it would all be true, but here's what really matters: they got a Super Bowl championship out of him. The Giants made a deal with the devil and they won. Hey, sometimes you're Jimmy Page, and sometimes you're Steve Vai.
BTW, Jerry Reese once again proved his genius by barely offering any guaranteed money in that huge contract Plax signed on opening day, so now when the Giants cut him in the offseason he won't kill their cap. That's some black on black crime I can get used to.
Speaking of miscreants, howzabout that Starbury fellow? Mark this down: I don't care what Mike D'Antoni does in his Knicks career, and I don't care how badly it ends for him - he will ALWAYS be in my good graces for refusing to allow Marbury to ever wear a Knicks uniform again. Always. I've never hated an athlete more than I hate that fucker, and it was killing me that he was on my team. Thankfully D'Antoni realized the same thing and put his neck on the line by benching him.
And don't believe that bullshit story about D'Antoni offering Steph a chance to play after the Crawford and Randolph trades. That was a smart play by coach because he knew Marbury would turn the offer down and they'd have even more ammo to justify getting rid of his ass. I've gotta say, D'Antoni doesn't look or sound Italian, but with that shrewd mob move, he proved he's a true paisan.
The story of Marbury is even more sad when you think about the fact that he's actually from NYC, a born and bred Knicks fan from the Coney Island projects. I can see fucking over the Nets and the Timberwolves and the Suns because of your pathological selfishness - nobody cares about those goobers - but how do you do your own boys like that Steph? The Garden WANTED to love you, but you just couldn't help yourself. Your lasting legacy in New York will be hitting up Knicks intern Kathleen Decker (pictured below) with the immortal pickup line, "Get in the truck." And she DID! Sluts are awesome.
(Someone in my wife's family who went to high school with Marbury says he was always big on getting blowjobs from chubby white chicks. So I guess he and I aren't as different as I thought. See how I just found that common ground, even with a man I professed to hate? I'm fantastic.)
On the NBA fantasy tip, I'm glad to see Keith take some control over the team this week. Jeez, did I have to do EVERYTHING? It wasn't enough that I drafted a whole bunch of Knicks; I also had to get LeBron James. And Tim Duncan. And Derrick Rose and Kevin Durant. And those Knicks are doing well too, despite Keith's objections. Wait, why does Beef Wennington suck so bad again? It doesn't make any sense. I thought we'd be awesome without even having to make an effort (which I haven't made.) There's probably a reason we're doing so poorly, but fucked if I've had time to figure out what it is. But anyway, excellent trades and pickups by Keith. I think.
What else... I've picked the wrong year to stop following the Premiership as closely as I used to. Keith and I just started this blog, so I know it's probably killing him to not be talking more English soccer. But please, go right ahead Keith. I enjoy it, and not following the league doesn't mean I can't make absolutely definitive arguments about it.
Either way, it kills me just as much to not talk hockey, which is my favorite sport along with football. But indulge me for just a second. Have you heard about this latest Sean Avery thing? He's been suspended indefinitely by the league for telling a television interviewer in Calgary, "It's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds." He was taking a dig at Calgary defenseman Dion Phaneuf, who is now dating Avery's ex - and total piece of ass - Elisha Cuthbert. Avery has also been with SI swimsuit model Rachel Hunter, who is now with a member of the LA Kings. (That's a hockey team. I don't blame you for not knowing that.)
I don't really have much to add except THIS is why I wish Avery were still a Ranger. Also, it's completely fucking ridiculous for anyone to get suspended for saying something like this. Isn't that a violation of Avery's free speech? If I were him I'd fight it all the way to the Canadian equivalent of the Supreme Court, if those socialist bastards actually had a court system. (Do they? I don't know anything about Canada except they love hockey and beer, and you can get really good pot in Vancouver. Am I missing anything?)
Anyway, the whole point of this rant is I needed an excuse to say, "Come back Sean Avery. We miss you," and to show a photo of slutty hockey groupie Elisha Cuthbert.
Just to bring it all back full circle, I loved Keith's last post about the Jets. He hasn't lived in NYC long enough to know the heartache that team can cause, but he seems to be catching on. The bad karma knows no bounds.
The link to the Fake Spike game was a great idea too, if the link had actually worked. No matter - I remember watching that game live and loving every minute of it. Marino's a prick, but how can you not love that? Pure genius. The only downside to that play is that it's since led to 15 years of guys faking the Fake Spike, and no one ever having the balls to actually do the full Fake Spike by throwing the damn ball. C'mon, almost half the league is playing out the string right now - can't someone throw caution to the wind and try to pull this thing off? I promise we won't think you're unoriginal if it works.
Backtracking just a second to the bad link thing, I remember now that the George Brett YouTube link from a few weeks back didn't work either. What the hell happened in that video? I bet if we made improvements to this site we could include a whole bunch of media to make these posts better. Someone should get on that, stat.
First off, Keith finished last week with a 5-11 record in the ongoing NFL picks battle. I, on the other hand, went 10-6. Woo-hoo! That means I'm finally back in the lead for the season, 92-84 to his 89-87. I fully expect this to change over the next few weeks. I torched my main man last week, but he could kill me this week, so who the fuck knows anything? All I know is we're both over .500 for the year, and that's really all that matters. That, and that fact that my Donovan's bacon cheeseburger with fried onions, medium rare, is going to taste even sweeter since I won't be paying for it.
Since we're talking picks, here's my Thursday Night Special. It's like a Saturday Night Special, only instead of it being a cheap firearm used by street punks to hold people up for money, it's a football game played by street punks that Vegas is using to hold people up for money, at least if you go by the spread in this one. Which is...
CHARGERS (9.5) vs. Raiders
WHAT?!! The Chargers are favored by 9.5? The 4-8 Chargers? The ones coached by Norv Turner?! This can't be right, can it? Oakland is only a game behind San Diego, and unlike those pussies from the Whale's Vagina, they don't actually have any talent on their roster. (Except for that kooky African DB whose name I can't pronounce and who I've never seen make a play because no one throws at him. He's been getting a ton of pub this season, and I really can't tell if it's warranted or not. My guess is it's not.) The Raiders flat out suck, but the Chargers have been inexcusable this season. I hope whining LaDanian Tomlinson breaks both his legs and an arm just for stealing his nickname from LT. I've been over this before.
Pick: Raiders
I'll have the rest sometime before 1pm Sunday.
------------------------------
So what else is going on in football this week? Not much except that whole Plaxico Burress thing. I don't know what to add except that I'm not surprised it's come to this. We all knew Plax was a dick when we signed him, and now those chickens have come home to roost. I could go on and on about how he's soiled the Giants image and brought embarrassment to the league, and it would all be true, but here's what really matters: they got a Super Bowl championship out of him. The Giants made a deal with the devil and they won. Hey, sometimes you're Jimmy Page, and sometimes you're Steve Vai.
BTW, Jerry Reese once again proved his genius by barely offering any guaranteed money in that huge contract Plax signed on opening day, so now when the Giants cut him in the offseason he won't kill their cap. That's some black on black crime I can get used to.
Speaking of miscreants, howzabout that Starbury fellow? Mark this down: I don't care what Mike D'Antoni does in his Knicks career, and I don't care how badly it ends for him - he will ALWAYS be in my good graces for refusing to allow Marbury to ever wear a Knicks uniform again. Always. I've never hated an athlete more than I hate that fucker, and it was killing me that he was on my team. Thankfully D'Antoni realized the same thing and put his neck on the line by benching him.
And don't believe that bullshit story about D'Antoni offering Steph a chance to play after the Crawford and Randolph trades. That was a smart play by coach because he knew Marbury would turn the offer down and they'd have even more ammo to justify getting rid of his ass. I've gotta say, D'Antoni doesn't look or sound Italian, but with that shrewd mob move, he proved he's a true paisan.
The story of Marbury is even more sad when you think about the fact that he's actually from NYC, a born and bred Knicks fan from the Coney Island projects. I can see fucking over the Nets and the Timberwolves and the Suns because of your pathological selfishness - nobody cares about those goobers - but how do you do your own boys like that Steph? The Garden WANTED to love you, but you just couldn't help yourself. Your lasting legacy in New York will be hitting up Knicks intern Kathleen Decker (pictured below) with the immortal pickup line, "Get in the truck." And she DID! Sluts are awesome.
(Someone in my wife's family who went to high school with Marbury says he was always big on getting blowjobs from chubby white chicks. So I guess he and I aren't as different as I thought. See how I just found that common ground, even with a man I professed to hate? I'm fantastic.)
On the NBA fantasy tip, I'm glad to see Keith take some control over the team this week. Jeez, did I have to do EVERYTHING? It wasn't enough that I drafted a whole bunch of Knicks; I also had to get LeBron James. And Tim Duncan. And Derrick Rose and Kevin Durant. And those Knicks are doing well too, despite Keith's objections. Wait, why does Beef Wennington suck so bad again? It doesn't make any sense. I thought we'd be awesome without even having to make an effort (which I haven't made.) There's probably a reason we're doing so poorly, but fucked if I've had time to figure out what it is. But anyway, excellent trades and pickups by Keith. I think.
What else... I've picked the wrong year to stop following the Premiership as closely as I used to. Keith and I just started this blog, so I know it's probably killing him to not be talking more English soccer. But please, go right ahead Keith. I enjoy it, and not following the league doesn't mean I can't make absolutely definitive arguments about it.
Either way, it kills me just as much to not talk hockey, which is my favorite sport along with football. But indulge me for just a second. Have you heard about this latest Sean Avery thing? He's been suspended indefinitely by the league for telling a television interviewer in Calgary, "It's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds." He was taking a dig at Calgary defenseman Dion Phaneuf, who is now dating Avery's ex - and total piece of ass - Elisha Cuthbert. Avery has also been with SI swimsuit model Rachel Hunter, who is now with a member of the LA Kings. (That's a hockey team. I don't blame you for not knowing that.)
I don't really have much to add except THIS is why I wish Avery were still a Ranger. Also, it's completely fucking ridiculous for anyone to get suspended for saying something like this. Isn't that a violation of Avery's free speech? If I were him I'd fight it all the way to the Canadian equivalent of the Supreme Court, if those socialist bastards actually had a court system. (Do they? I don't know anything about Canada except they love hockey and beer, and you can get really good pot in Vancouver. Am I missing anything?)
Anyway, the whole point of this rant is I needed an excuse to say, "Come back Sean Avery. We miss you," and to show a photo of slutty hockey groupie Elisha Cuthbert.
Just to bring it all back full circle, I loved Keith's last post about the Jets. He hasn't lived in NYC long enough to know the heartache that team can cause, but he seems to be catching on. The bad karma knows no bounds.
The link to the Fake Spike game was a great idea too, if the link had actually worked. No matter - I remember watching that game live and loving every minute of it. Marino's a prick, but how can you not love that? Pure genius. The only downside to that play is that it's since led to 15 years of guys faking the Fake Spike, and no one ever having the balls to actually do the full Fake Spike by throwing the damn ball. C'mon, almost half the league is playing out the string right now - can't someone throw caution to the wind and try to pull this thing off? I promise we won't think you're unoriginal if it works.
Backtracking just a second to the bad link thing, I remember now that the George Brett YouTube link from a few weeks back didn't work either. What the hell happened in that video? I bet if we made improvements to this site we could include a whole bunch of media to make these posts better. Someone should get on that, stat.
Monday, December 1, 2008
J-E-T-S DIE DIE DIE
"I'm thankful I'm not a Jets fan, because then I'd have to kill myself." - Hernandez
Fuck the fucking Jets in their ears in the car park of their fathers' houses. After they dismantled the undefeated Tennessee Titans on the road last week, media and fans were falling over themselves anointing them the best team in the AFC, and predicting a Subway Super Bowl with the Giants which makes no sense BECAUSE THEY PLAY IN THE SAME STADIUM IN NEW JERSEY.
Well, the Jets once again shit in their fans' beds by losing to a Broncos team who has. No. Defense. Whatsoever. What's worse is after watching another impressive Giants victory, I knew halfway through the first quarter of the Jets game that they weren't going to win.
The Jets actually possess the second best defense in the league against the run, and have a weak secondary. Even the announcers knew the Broncos would throw the ball 40-50 times during the game. Which Jay Cutler did, to the tune of 357 yards. The Jets can't stop the pass even when they know it's coming.
Oh yeah, they also gave up 122 yards rushing to some Denver running back I've never heard of.
Of course I'm bitter because I thought they could beat a worse Broncos team. Well, they didn't come close. After the Patriots embarrassing loss to the Steelers, they're still a favorite to make the playoffs, but in these trying economic times, I plan to bet my entire fortune against them.
To add insult to injury, on the Sunday night telecast of the Bears/Vikings game, Al Michaels and John Madden were discussing how good the Vikings would be if Brett Favre had gone to that team instead. This was *after* the loss. I kicked my cat a good 15-16 feet. (Note to cats: if you don't want to get kicked, you have to stop making hilarious noises when you do.)
Because NY is required to show a Jets game each Sunday and because Time Warner Cable doesn't offer the NFL package, I'm seriously considering leaving New York because of the Jets.
And to make me feel better, check out this video of one of the most embarrassing days in Jets history -- the Fake Spike game.
http://gofins0769.multiply.com/video/item/3/Dan_Marino_Fake_Spike_vs._Jets
OK - feeling a little better. Some fantasy basketball news, and really this is just for Hernandez. Why email him? I assume he reads his own site.
Now that Beef Wennington is nearly a cellar dweller, I've finally made a couple player changes, and you'll be surprised to hear that all the Knicks are still on the team. They've actually been doing quite well. No, Kyle Korver is a dud, and I brought in Steve Blake. I also dropped Tyrus Thomas for some dude named CJ from Utah. Check his stats for the last 10 games. I held onto Maxiell and Randolph bc we don't have many centers. Also Josh Smith should be back in the ;ineup on Wednesday.
Thanks for getting me into this, you pud.
Fuck the fucking Jets in their ears in the car park of their fathers' houses. After they dismantled the undefeated Tennessee Titans on the road last week, media and fans were falling over themselves anointing them the best team in the AFC, and predicting a Subway Super Bowl with the Giants which makes no sense BECAUSE THEY PLAY IN THE SAME STADIUM IN NEW JERSEY.
Well, the Jets once again shit in their fans' beds by losing to a Broncos team who has. No. Defense. Whatsoever. What's worse is after watching another impressive Giants victory, I knew halfway through the first quarter of the Jets game that they weren't going to win.
The Jets actually possess the second best defense in the league against the run, and have a weak secondary. Even the announcers knew the Broncos would throw the ball 40-50 times during the game. Which Jay Cutler did, to the tune of 357 yards. The Jets can't stop the pass even when they know it's coming.
Oh yeah, they also gave up 122 yards rushing to some Denver running back I've never heard of.
Of course I'm bitter because I thought they could beat a worse Broncos team. Well, they didn't come close. After the Patriots embarrassing loss to the Steelers, they're still a favorite to make the playoffs, but in these trying economic times, I plan to bet my entire fortune against them.
To add insult to injury, on the Sunday night telecast of the Bears/Vikings game, Al Michaels and John Madden were discussing how good the Vikings would be if Brett Favre had gone to that team instead. This was *after* the loss. I kicked my cat a good 15-16 feet. (Note to cats: if you don't want to get kicked, you have to stop making hilarious noises when you do.)
Because NY is required to show a Jets game each Sunday and because Time Warner Cable doesn't offer the NFL package, I'm seriously considering leaving New York because of the Jets.
And to make me feel better, check out this video of one of the most embarrassing days in Jets history -- the Fake Spike game.
http://gofins0769.multiply.com/video/item/3/Dan_Marino_Fake_Spike_vs._Jets
OK - feeling a little better. Some fantasy basketball news, and really this is just for Hernandez. Why email him? I assume he reads his own site.
Now that Beef Wennington is nearly a cellar dweller, I've finally made a couple player changes, and you'll be surprised to hear that all the Knicks are still on the team. They've actually been doing quite well. No, Kyle Korver is a dud, and I brought in Steve Blake. I also dropped Tyrus Thomas for some dude named CJ from Utah. Check his stats for the last 10 games. I held onto Maxiell and Randolph bc we don't have many centers. Also Josh Smith should be back in the ;ineup on Wednesday.
Thanks for getting me into this, you pud.
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