While Keith sleeps one off following an early-morning Carlsberg breakfast (Breakfast of Champions anyone?) and braces for the scorn from his mother, I'll sneak in my NFL picks for the week.
I'm not sure yet if Week 1 was beginners luck, or if I really do know more about football than my compadre. Probably a little of both. But this week seems harder to pick than last week, so I ain't ready to talk smack just yet.
Rams vs. Giants (5.5)
Have I mentioned that I think the Giants will make it back to the Super Bowl this season? Oh, I have? Well get used to it, because I ain't backing off. Call me a homer if you'd like, but the fact is this is one of the youngest, most talented, best coached teams in the league. If people don't want to recognize it they're just biased and fucking blind. That said, St. Louis will play tough for a half this week before the superior team pulls away.
Pick: Giants
================================
Jets (2.5) vs. Patriots
Suddenly the Jets are favored over the Pats and are supposed to be the team to beat in the AFC East? Ha! Life is cruel, and Jets fans know it better than anyone. New England wins this one by two touchdowns.
Pick: Patriots
===============================
Chiefs (3.5) vs. Raiders
JaMarcus jawon't get it jadone.
Pick: Chiefs
===============================
Jaguars (5.5) vs. Bills
Bills will fight it out with New England for AFC East supremacy this year. I actually believed that even before Brady got hurt. I took them last week and I'm doing it again. Fuck point spreads - they'll probably win it outright.
Pick: Bills
================================
Panthers (2.5) vs. Bears
Really tough one to call, but I'll ride the Jake train for another week. Especially going up against Orton. Yeah, you got one last week Kyle, but you were playing the Colts, who are going to be mediocre this year. Bu-bye.
Pick: Panthers
===============================
Lions vs. Packers (2.5)
It's times like this I wish I actually bet on games.
Pick: Packers
===============================
Redskins (1.5) vs. Saints
Total hunch, but Washington is more physical and plays in a better division than New Orleans, and I think Portis will run all over the Saints. But thank Palin we don't have another fucking hurricane or a dead safety to worry about this week, so we don't have to pretend to feel sorry for either of these two loser franchises and their lowlife fans for a week.
Pick: Redskins
===============================
Bengals vs. Titans (1.5)
Kerry Collins is the most underrated NYG quarterback of all time (even if that's not saying much), and he's definitely better than Mr. Suicide. With that D, Tennessee should roll over the Paper Tigers.
Pick: Titans
===============================
Seahawks (8.5) vs. 49ers
Seattle is overrated every year because they play in a horrible division. Add in the injuries this year and we're looking at something like 6-10. This spread is WAY too high, and Keith is wrong - San Fran's not THAT bad.
Pick: 49ers
===============================
Vikings vs. Colts (2.5)
As I said last week, I'm definitely not sold on the Vikes. As I said above, the Colts are mediocre. Whose cuisine will reign supreme?
Pick: Colts
================================
Cardinals (6.5) vs. Dolphins
I'll keep saying it: Pennington be damned (and I really can't stand that fuck), the Dolphins are going to be frisky this year. And really, should the Cards be favored over ANYONE by 6.5?
Pick: Dolphins
=================================
Broncos (2.5) vs. Chargers
Chargers rebound against an average Broncos team that only looked good last week because they were playing Oakland. Another outright win for the underdog.
Pick: Chargers
=================================
Buccaneers (7.5) vs. Falcons
Granted, Turner won't run for 550 yards again, but Tampa's got QB problems. They may eek out a win, but Brian Griese is so bad I'm not even willing to give him points this week against Atlanta's rookie QB.
Pick: Falcons
=================================
Browns vs. Steelers (4.5)
Don't love Pittsburgh as much as everyone else, but I'll take them this week.
Pick: Steelers
=================================
Texans (4.5) vs. Ravens
Ike! Ike! Flacco! Flacco!
Pick: Ravens
=================================
Cowboys (6.5) vs. Eagles
I only WISH I had the time to unleash my hatred of both teams right now. Unfortunately, I don't. But it's so great that it deserves its own post, which I'm going to try to write after the MNF game. Until then, just pray that Ike reforms and destroys Texas Stadium with both teams in it Monday night. Yeah!
Pick: Eagles
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Pine Tar
Summer is waning, pennant races are coming down to the wire, and the MLB playoffs are just around the corner. So it's time to talk some baseball folks - 1983 baseball!
This past July 24th was the 25th anniversary of the famous George Brett pine tar incident at Yankee Stadium, and ESPN Poker... I mean Classic... replayed the game. I recorded it just to see the famous conclusion, but surprisingly, I watched the entire thing. Here are my seven-week-old thoughts:
John Amirante sang the National Anthem. Amirante is MUCH more famous for singing before Ranger games at MSG, and frankly, I was offended to see my hockey good luck charm sully himself by singing before a baseball game. But as announcer Phil Rizzuto said following Mr. Toupee's rousing performance, "It's always a good day when Amirante comes out to the stadium because he brings us the best cannolis. Holy cow!" I'm not shitting you.
This is weird. The main TV camera in center field is actually to the first base side of the pitcher, not the third base side, so the view is reversed from what we've been used to for the last 20 years. Or maybe it was normal and ESPN Classic just ran the old footage through its system backwards. My money's on that.
Shortstop U.L. Washington leads off for the Royals, complete with the ubiquitously large toothpick he always chewed on. Seriously - this thing looks like a shard from one of those shattered maple bats that are endangering people's lives this season. He's got a mad fro too. U.L. is clearly a bad mama jama, just as fine as he can be.
Damn, these guys just wind up and pitch! Shane Rawley and Budd Black aren't messing around on the mound. Neither are the hitters. None of this adjusting equipment and wandering around the field between every pitch - just rear back and throw. How refreshing.
I should note that the middle of the Yankees lineup is Lou Pinella batting third, and Don Baylor cleanup, followed by Dave Winfield in the five hole. Two of those three are fat fucks - even back then - and the other is Winfield, who wasn't exactly svelte either.
Speaking of Mr. Winfield, he swung out of his shoes and nearly fell down every single time he took a cut in this game. I'm completely serious. He looked like a cartoon character trying to play baseball. Was he like this all the time back then?
I guess it paid off because on this day he hits a huge bomb over the 430 sign in left-center and into Monument Park. Yes, you read that correctly - 430 feet to left-center! And this was AFTER they moved the fences in! When you think about the old dimensions of that stadium, it makes the home run numbers for Ruth, Gehrig, Mantle, DiMaggio, et al that much more impressive. And that will be the last time I ever compliment the Yankees again.
Another testament to how large the outfield dimensions were at Yankee Stadium: Don Baylor legged out a triple in this game. And yes, he looks exactly like he does now. Wrap your mind around that for a second.
I almost forgot...right before Winfield hit his homer, Rizzuto went on an extended riff about how Bobby Murcer used a coffee cup as his spittoon, and guys (meaning, Rizzuto) would always mistake it for their drink. He was really mad about it. When Winny hit the bomb he barely acknowledged it, saying almost as an aside, "Winfield hits it way back, and it's gone. So let me finish my Skoal story..." All of the legends about this guy are true. I grew up in New York City, and trust me, in the 1980's Rizzuto was the ONLY reason to tune in to watch the Yankees. He slayed.
It's interesting to note that the Yankee manager in this game is Billy Martin. It's more interesting to note that the third base coach is Don Zimmer and the first base coach is none other than Yogi Berra.
Brett makes a totally late, dirty slide into second on a double play and no one bats an eyelash. Just good, hard baseball. Swoon.
In the top of the ninth, the Yankees make a defensive substitution for first baseman Ken Griffey. After the substitute, a young player just called up from AAA Columbus named Don Mattingly, makes an amazing diving catch, Rizzuto says, "I don't know who he is, but this kid Mattingly obviously doesn't want to be sent back down to the farm." You don't say!
With Kansas City down 4-3 in the ninth, Goose Gossage comes in to face Brett with one on, two outs. Brett crushes one to right field for a 5-4 lead, then all hell breaks loose.
You know the story, but what you may not know is that - to his credit - Billy Martin was all over the umps about the pine tar right away. He was pleading his case literally before Brett crossed home plate. My research shows that the Yankees allegedly noticed how much pine tar Brett had on his bat during a game earlier that season in K.C., and they were waiting for the right moment to bust him for it. It was fantastic gamesmanship.
The other great part is that in those chaotic moments when Brett was being restrained from killing the home plate umpire, Royals pitcher Gaylord Perry sneakily grabbed Brett's bat and ran full speed through the visiting dugout into the clubhouse so he could avoid having it examined further. The TV broadcast ended with stadium security and NYPD officers literally chasing Perry into the bowels of the stadium. Now THAT'S a way to end a game.
The lesser known postscript to the story is that when the AL overruled the umps and the game eventually resumed three weeks later, Billy Martin was so outraged that he started Mattingly at second base and pitcher Ron Guidry in center field as a "fuck you" to the league. Which only goes to prove the old baseball adage that alcoholics make the best managers.
In conclusion, this was easily the best baseball game I watched in 2008.
This past July 24th was the 25th anniversary of the famous George Brett pine tar incident at Yankee Stadium, and ESPN Poker... I mean Classic... replayed the game. I recorded it just to see the famous conclusion, but surprisingly, I watched the entire thing. Here are my seven-week-old thoughts:
John Amirante sang the National Anthem. Amirante is MUCH more famous for singing before Ranger games at MSG, and frankly, I was offended to see my hockey good luck charm sully himself by singing before a baseball game. But as announcer Phil Rizzuto said following Mr. Toupee's rousing performance, "It's always a good day when Amirante comes out to the stadium because he brings us the best cannolis. Holy cow!" I'm not shitting you.
This is weird. The main TV camera in center field is actually to the first base side of the pitcher, not the third base side, so the view is reversed from what we've been used to for the last 20 years. Or maybe it was normal and ESPN Classic just ran the old footage through its system backwards. My money's on that.
Shortstop U.L. Washington leads off for the Royals, complete with the ubiquitously large toothpick he always chewed on. Seriously - this thing looks like a shard from one of those shattered maple bats that are endangering people's lives this season. He's got a mad fro too. U.L. is clearly a bad mama jama, just as fine as he can be.
Damn, these guys just wind up and pitch! Shane Rawley and Budd Black aren't messing around on the mound. Neither are the hitters. None of this adjusting equipment and wandering around the field between every pitch - just rear back and throw. How refreshing.
I should note that the middle of the Yankees lineup is Lou Pinella batting third, and Don Baylor cleanup, followed by Dave Winfield in the five hole. Two of those three are fat fucks - even back then - and the other is Winfield, who wasn't exactly svelte either.
Speaking of Mr. Winfield, he swung out of his shoes and nearly fell down every single time he took a cut in this game. I'm completely serious. He looked like a cartoon character trying to play baseball. Was he like this all the time back then?
I guess it paid off because on this day he hits a huge bomb over the 430 sign in left-center and into Monument Park. Yes, you read that correctly - 430 feet to left-center! And this was AFTER they moved the fences in! When you think about the old dimensions of that stadium, it makes the home run numbers for Ruth, Gehrig, Mantle, DiMaggio, et al that much more impressive. And that will be the last time I ever compliment the Yankees again.
Another testament to how large the outfield dimensions were at Yankee Stadium: Don Baylor legged out a triple in this game. And yes, he looks exactly like he does now. Wrap your mind around that for a second.
I almost forgot...right before Winfield hit his homer, Rizzuto went on an extended riff about how Bobby Murcer used a coffee cup as his spittoon, and guys (meaning, Rizzuto) would always mistake it for their drink. He was really mad about it. When Winny hit the bomb he barely acknowledged it, saying almost as an aside, "Winfield hits it way back, and it's gone. So let me finish my Skoal story..." All of the legends about this guy are true. I grew up in New York City, and trust me, in the 1980's Rizzuto was the ONLY reason to tune in to watch the Yankees. He slayed.
It's interesting to note that the Yankee manager in this game is Billy Martin. It's more interesting to note that the third base coach is Don Zimmer and the first base coach is none other than Yogi Berra.
Brett makes a totally late, dirty slide into second on a double play and no one bats an eyelash. Just good, hard baseball. Swoon.
In the top of the ninth, the Yankees make a defensive substitution for first baseman Ken Griffey. After the substitute, a young player just called up from AAA Columbus named Don Mattingly, makes an amazing diving catch, Rizzuto says, "I don't know who he is, but this kid Mattingly obviously doesn't want to be sent back down to the farm." You don't say!
With Kansas City down 4-3 in the ninth, Goose Gossage comes in to face Brett with one on, two outs. Brett crushes one to right field for a 5-4 lead, then all hell breaks loose.
You know the story, but what you may not know is that - to his credit - Billy Martin was all over the umps about the pine tar right away. He was pleading his case literally before Brett crossed home plate. My research shows that the Yankees allegedly noticed how much pine tar Brett had on his bat during a game earlier that season in K.C., and they were waiting for the right moment to bust him for it. It was fantastic gamesmanship.
The other great part is that in those chaotic moments when Brett was being restrained from killing the home plate umpire, Royals pitcher Gaylord Perry sneakily grabbed Brett's bat and ran full speed through the visiting dugout into the clubhouse so he could avoid having it examined further. The TV broadcast ended with stadium security and NYPD officers literally chasing Perry into the bowels of the stadium. Now THAT'S a way to end a game.
The lesser known postscript to the story is that when the AL overruled the umps and the game eventually resumed three weeks later, Billy Martin was so outraged that he started Mattingly at second base and pitcher Ron Guidry in center field as a "fuck you" to the league. Which only goes to prove the old baseball adage that alcoholics make the best managers.
In conclusion, this was easily the best baseball game I watched in 2008.
Keith's Week 2 Football Picks
I thought I'd post my Week 2 Picks on Thursday night, as I have to go bed at sunset tomorrow to get ready for my early Saturday morning soccer game. Nothing's really happening in baseball - the Mets look like shoo-ins to win their division and make the playoffs (jinx please work jinx please work - Noonan! NoonanNoonan!).
Here we go. I've listed the home team first, and the point spread after the favored team.
Rams vs. Giants (5.5)
Who's the New York team that chokes against crappy teams? J-E-T-S Bretts Bretts Bretts! The Giants will make this one a yawner. Mow your lawn. Or your eyebrows.
Pick: Giants
Jets (2.5) vs. Patriots
So Tom Brady goes down with a bad knee after giving Gisele a Roman Helmet, and the media goes nuts. Brett Favre was still born during the LBJ administration, and they barely beat the Dolphins (1-15 last year) last week. Don't get me wrong, Brett Favre still has it. And by "it", I mean the issue of AARP magazine I anonymously sent him last week.
Pick: Patriots
Chiefs (3.5) vs. Raiders
Last week, the Chiefs almost beat the vaunted New England Patriots, and the Raiders got blown out. Don't you people watch movies? The Chiefs will underestimate the Raiders, and the Raiders will eat them alive. Or, at least, barely beat the spread in one of the most unwatchable games to ever be aired. Why do people love football again?
Pick: Raiders
Jaguars (5.5) vs. Bills
I'm superstitious. Last week I picked the Bills because Tim Russert loved the Bills and they upset Seattle. Ride it like a train to Candyland until you have enough candy, or enough land.
Pick: Bills
Panthers (2.5) vs. Bears
Last week, the Bears pulled off a convincing upset of the Colts. Two years ago, I made the drive from Indianapolis to Chicago. Indy was in a new stadium, and let's face it: they're much better than the Bears. But Peyton Manning's been hurt after massaging brother Eli's nipples in the Oreo commercials.
The Bears face a prepared team this week, and they're gonna get carpet-bagged.
Pick: Panthers
Lions vs. Packers (2.5)
If the Lions can indiscriminately turn into actual Lions, they have a chance in this one. Otherwise, this one's a no-brainer. The Packers were a 13-3 team last year, and only missed the Super Bowl because of Brett Favre. Meanwhile, here's the best thing to come out of Detroit in the last year:
Pick: Packers
Redskins (1.5) vs. Saints
Even though the Saints lost their best receiver last week, it's hurricane season, and these things are to be expected. But they're playing in Washington. And until the new Redskins coach Jim Zorn overcomes the fear of calling a timeout late in the game and giving his team a chance, I'm pretty sure on this one.
Pick: Saints
Bengals vs. Titans (1.5)
So this week Tennessee Titans QB Vince Young went Romper Room. After throwing his second interception last week, he refused to go back in the game. On Monday, he went AWOL for several hours, with an "unloaded" gun in his car. Two days later, his mother said he didn't want to play football anymore.
The thing is: Vince Young sucks. And last year, the Bengals set a record for most starting players with felony arrests. I know where I'd rather put my money.
Pick: Titans
Seahawks (8.5) vs. 49ers
Anything bad that could've happened to the Seahawks has happened to the Seahawks. Their quarterback, running back, and all their receivers are injured. *That's* how bad the 49ers are.
Pick: Seahawks
Vikings vs. Colts (2.5)
Last week, the Colts couldn't stop the Bears running attack. News flash: the Bears *have* no running attack. The Colts just suck this year. Meanwhile, the Vikings have Adrian Peterson, the most exciting back in the league.
I don't know if the Vikings can win this one, because their QB Tavaris Jackson is scarily uneven, like Dennis Hopper from Blue Velvet uneven. But for every Dennis Hopper, there's a Dean Stockwell serenading us with Roy Orbison covers.
Pick: Vikings
Cardinals (6.5) vs. Dolphins
Just because. Ivy grows up, shit goes down. You don't want either one.
Pick: Cardinals
Broncos (2.5) vs. Chargers
I suffered karmic damage from Hernandez by calling San Diego running back LaDainian Tomlinson 'LT' last week, a nickname reserved for Giants HOF Lawrence Taylor. My bad. But that BLT was awesome.
Pick: Broncos
Buccaneers (7.5) vs. Falcons
When Tampa plays Atlanta, stay away from the tailgate and check Youtube the next morning for good ol' Southern boys playing Demolition Dumbass.
Note to Delta Air: Atlanta was burned in 1864 and bombed in 1996. Maybe you need a new hub?
Pick: Buccaneers
Browns vs. Steelers (4.5)
Until the Browns win a Super Bowl, I'll be convinced they were named after heroin. So they'll have a kickass time on Sunday, which is all we 9-5ers can hope for, isn't it? (Not heroin, but the kickass time.)
Pick: Steelers
Texans (4.5) vs. Ravens
Ok, the heroin.
Pick: Texans
Cowboys (6.5) vs. Eagles
As a lifelong Giants fan, I'll let Hernandez provide the commentary for the two most hated rivals facing off.
Pick: Cowboys
Here we go. I've listed the home team first, and the point spread after the favored team.
Rams vs. Giants (5.5)
Who's the New York team that chokes against crappy teams? J-E-T-S Bretts Bretts Bretts! The Giants will make this one a yawner. Mow your lawn. Or your eyebrows.
Pick: Giants
Jets (2.5) vs. Patriots
So Tom Brady goes down with a bad knee after giving Gisele a Roman Helmet, and the media goes nuts. Brett Favre was still born during the LBJ administration, and they barely beat the Dolphins (1-15 last year) last week. Don't get me wrong, Brett Favre still has it. And by "it", I mean the issue of AARP magazine I anonymously sent him last week.
Pick: Patriots
Chiefs (3.5) vs. Raiders
Last week, the Chiefs almost beat the vaunted New England Patriots, and the Raiders got blown out. Don't you people watch movies? The Chiefs will underestimate the Raiders, and the Raiders will eat them alive. Or, at least, barely beat the spread in one of the most unwatchable games to ever be aired. Why do people love football again?
Pick: Raiders
Jaguars (5.5) vs. Bills
I'm superstitious. Last week I picked the Bills because Tim Russert loved the Bills and they upset Seattle. Ride it like a train to Candyland until you have enough candy, or enough land.
Pick: Bills
Panthers (2.5) vs. Bears
Last week, the Bears pulled off a convincing upset of the Colts. Two years ago, I made the drive from Indianapolis to Chicago. Indy was in a new stadium, and let's face it: they're much better than the Bears. But Peyton Manning's been hurt after massaging brother Eli's nipples in the Oreo commercials.
The Bears face a prepared team this week, and they're gonna get carpet-bagged.
Pick: Panthers
Lions vs. Packers (2.5)
If the Lions can indiscriminately turn into actual Lions, they have a chance in this one. Otherwise, this one's a no-brainer. The Packers were a 13-3 team last year, and only missed the Super Bowl because of Brett Favre. Meanwhile, here's the best thing to come out of Detroit in the last year:
Pick: Packers
Redskins (1.5) vs. Saints
Even though the Saints lost their best receiver last week, it's hurricane season, and these things are to be expected. But they're playing in Washington. And until the new Redskins coach Jim Zorn overcomes the fear of calling a timeout late in the game and giving his team a chance, I'm pretty sure on this one.
Pick: Saints
Bengals vs. Titans (1.5)
So this week Tennessee Titans QB Vince Young went Romper Room. After throwing his second interception last week, he refused to go back in the game. On Monday, he went AWOL for several hours, with an "unloaded" gun in his car. Two days later, his mother said he didn't want to play football anymore.
The thing is: Vince Young sucks. And last year, the Bengals set a record for most starting players with felony arrests. I know where I'd rather put my money.
Pick: Titans
Seahawks (8.5) vs. 49ers
Anything bad that could've happened to the Seahawks has happened to the Seahawks. Their quarterback, running back, and all their receivers are injured. *That's* how bad the 49ers are.
Pick: Seahawks
Vikings vs. Colts (2.5)
Last week, the Colts couldn't stop the Bears running attack. News flash: the Bears *have* no running attack. The Colts just suck this year. Meanwhile, the Vikings have Adrian Peterson, the most exciting back in the league.
I don't know if the Vikings can win this one, because their QB Tavaris Jackson is scarily uneven, like Dennis Hopper from Blue Velvet uneven. But for every Dennis Hopper, there's a Dean Stockwell serenading us with Roy Orbison covers.
Pick: Vikings
Cardinals (6.5) vs. Dolphins
Just because. Ivy grows up, shit goes down. You don't want either one.
Pick: Cardinals
Broncos (2.5) vs. Chargers
I suffered karmic damage from Hernandez by calling San Diego running back LaDainian Tomlinson 'LT' last week, a nickname reserved for Giants HOF Lawrence Taylor. My bad. But that BLT was awesome.
Pick: Broncos
Buccaneers (7.5) vs. Falcons
When Tampa plays Atlanta, stay away from the tailgate and check Youtube the next morning for good ol' Southern boys playing Demolition Dumbass.
Note to Delta Air: Atlanta was burned in 1864 and bombed in 1996. Maybe you need a new hub?
Pick: Buccaneers
Browns vs. Steelers (4.5)
Until the Browns win a Super Bowl, I'll be convinced they were named after heroin. So they'll have a kickass time on Sunday, which is all we 9-5ers can hope for, isn't it? (Not heroin, but the kickass time.)
Pick: Steelers
Texans (4.5) vs. Ravens
Ok, the heroin.
Pick: Texans
Cowboys (6.5) vs. Eagles
As a lifelong Giants fan, I'll let Hernandez provide the commentary for the two most hated rivals facing off.
Pick: Cowboys
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Liverpool vs. Manchester United
The beauty of cable and the internet is that I've been able to reimmerse myself in soccer, the first sport I loved. I've selected Liverpool as my team, and this Saturday morning they take on Manchester United, the Celine Dion of Premier League Soccer. While Chelsea is probably the team that most EPL fans love to hate (suck it, Barclays), my team is Man U. They're sponsored by AIG, for Palin's sake. (Liverpool is sponsored by Carlsberg - glug, glug.)
The game is at 7:45 a.m. and is not being televised by Fox Sports Soccer, which means I'll be waking up earlier than I do for my job to go to a bar and watch a game of futbol. And I'm pretty fucking excited. From my experience three weeks ago, soccer fans are a good crowd to be in a bar with. I even shared a smoke with a couple visiting from England who hate Liverpool but were very pleasant about it.
I have low hopes for Liverpool this weekend - captain and star midfielder Steven Gerrard is probably out, and star striker Fernando Torres, who is Liverpool's entry for Regrettable Haircut, is questionable. And then there's the karma. It's my mother's birthday, and she'll be none too pleased to hear I was in a bar at 7:45 a.m. Easy, easy...I'm visiting her the following weekend. Provided, of course, she takes me to a soccer bar so I can see them play Stoke City. But come on -- it's not until 10 a.m.
The game is at 7:45 a.m. and is not being televised by Fox Sports Soccer, which means I'll be waking up earlier than I do for my job to go to a bar and watch a game of futbol. And I'm pretty fucking excited. From my experience three weeks ago, soccer fans are a good crowd to be in a bar with. I even shared a smoke with a couple visiting from England who hate Liverpool but were very pleasant about it.
I have low hopes for Liverpool this weekend - captain and star midfielder Steven Gerrard is probably out, and star striker Fernando Torres, who is Liverpool's entry for Regrettable Haircut, is questionable. And then there's the karma. It's my mother's birthday, and she'll be none too pleased to hear I was in a bar at 7:45 a.m. Easy, easy...I'm visiting her the following weekend. Provided, of course, she takes me to a soccer bar so I can see them play Stoke City. But come on -- it's not until 10 a.m.
FOOTBALL RECAP, WEEK 1
Well, THAT went Well. Week 1 record: Keith: 6-10, Hernandez: 11-5. I don't care. It's just nice to have football back this weekend.
Highlights, for me.
The Giants needed one quarter to remember that their primary goal is to cause Giants fans to poop ulcers. They won, but Eli Manning needs to stop looking like he'd rather be eating ice cream and watching Charly.
The debut of Aaron Rodgers in Green Bay. Replacing Brett Favre, he had a solid game and didn't look nervous in front of the Green Bay fans, who without the Packers would spend all their money on Oxycontin.
Tom Brady getting hurt. This greatly increases the chances of a Gisele Bundchen-related sex tape. Chances of Bridget Moynihan walking in and getting involved are still pretty slim, however.
Titans' quarterback Vince Young freaking out. His team won, beat a better Jacksonville team, but he's already buckling under pressure. I'm telling you it sounds sadistic it but there's a reason people slow down on the highway to check out car fires and pile-ups. We're looking for grisly stuff, too. Well, except Matthew McConaughey - he thinks to himself, "Saaaay...are there any sexy daymes I can res-cue?"
Lowlights:
The Jets/Dolphins game. It was absolutely excruciatingly boring to watch. Favre did well, Pennington did fine in his Miami debut, but the game was so poorly played. As the Jets did everything they could to hand the game away in the second half, I'll admit it was priceless seeing Favre's facial expression, which read: 'Wait...what the fuck is going on? What have I signed up for?'
Time Warner Cable: Still doesn't offer an NFL package, so if you love watching football, and don't want to watch the Jets, you...can go to a bar. Then you have to deal with a bunch of financial services pricks and their waify superficial girlfriends. Maybe that's because I live in the East Village.
Anyway, we'll be posting more while I figure out how to lodge a space bar up Hernandez's ass so he can still write coherent posts while his thumb's up there.
Highlights, for me.
The Giants needed one quarter to remember that their primary goal is to cause Giants fans to poop ulcers. They won, but Eli Manning needs to stop looking like he'd rather be eating ice cream and watching Charly.
The debut of Aaron Rodgers in Green Bay. Replacing Brett Favre, he had a solid game and didn't look nervous in front of the Green Bay fans, who without the Packers would spend all their money on Oxycontin.
Tom Brady getting hurt. This greatly increases the chances of a Gisele Bundchen-related sex tape. Chances of Bridget Moynihan walking in and getting involved are still pretty slim, however.
Titans' quarterback Vince Young freaking out. His team won, beat a better Jacksonville team, but he's already buckling under pressure. I'm telling you it sounds sadistic it but there's a reason people slow down on the highway to check out car fires and pile-ups. We're looking for grisly stuff, too. Well, except Matthew McConaughey - he thinks to himself, "Saaaay...are there any sexy daymes I can res-cue?"
Lowlights:
The Jets/Dolphins game. It was absolutely excruciatingly boring to watch. Favre did well, Pennington did fine in his Miami debut, but the game was so poorly played. As the Jets did everything they could to hand the game away in the second half, I'll admit it was priceless seeing Favre's facial expression, which read: 'Wait...what the fuck is going on? What have I signed up for?'
Time Warner Cable: Still doesn't offer an NFL package, so if you love watching football, and don't want to watch the Jets, you...can go to a bar. Then you have to deal with a bunch of financial services pricks and their waify superficial girlfriends. Maybe that's because I live in the East Village.
Anyway, we'll be posting more while I figure out how to lodge a space bar up Hernandez's ass so he can still write coherent posts while his thumb's up there.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Keith's picks, Week 1
Hey Hernandez - it's good to have you back in the fold. Nothing like a new football season and Sarah Palin's tits in fall. I can't wait till she breastfeeds during the debate:
I'll leave my pick discourse light this week, but here they are:
Giants (-4) over Redskins. Yes, I did pick this before it happened. Yes, Eli Manning will cause many heart attacks again this year - he threw one interception and should've thrown three more.
Jets (-3) over Dolphins. Once again, Chad Pennington will be trying to make the Jets lose, only this time he's in the wrong uniform.
Bengals (-1.5) over Ravens. Ravens QB Kyle Boller is out for the season. This is probably a good thing for Baltimore, but wait...nothing ever good happens to Baltimore.
Patriots (-15.5) over Chiefs. Really, Hernandez? the Chiefs? Sucker.
Steelers (-6.5) over Texans. I swear, I made these picks before I saw they all disagreed with Hernandez'. Early season buzz is that the Steelers are back, baby. I hate them, but they're always great at home, and they only have to win by a touchdown.
Jaguars (-3) over Titans. The Titans are a physical team with Lamar from 'Revenge of their Nerds' as their quarterback. Jacksonville's quarterback David Garrard is an enormous man who could eat the Titan's quarterback.
Lions (-1) over Falcons. Nobody cares.
Bills (-1) over Seahawks. Tim Russert was a Bills fan, so they should make the playoffs this year. It'd be the right thing to do.
Saints (-3) over Buccaneers. The Saints were amazing two years ago and pathetic-to-mediocre last year. Alcoholism skips generations, and I'm betting Saints football skips years.
Rams (+7.5) over Eagles. Fuck the Eagles. I used to root for this team. The Rams are much better than last year, when their entire offensive line was injured.
Cowboys (-5.5) over Browns. Jessica Simpson is my favorite player on either side.
Chargers (-9.5) over Panthers. LT, LT, LT. LT. Gonna eat a BLT during this one and listen to Public Image, LTD.
Cardinals (-2.5) over 49ers. Yawn.
Colts (-9.5) over Bears. I hope this one turns out the other way. But have you been to Indianapolis? There's nothing else going for that city. Not even the speedway.
Vikings (+2.5) over Packers. I like Adrian Peterson for all the reasons that Hernandez doesn't. I'm also rooting against Aaron Rodgers because you'd have to be a fool to step into Brett Favre's shoes.
Raiders (+3) over Broncos. I can't stand the Broncos, probably because of their insufferable coach Mike Shanahan. Plus, the Raiders are true scum - they may up and mass murder one of their opponents one week. That'd be news.
I'll leave my pick discourse light this week, but here they are:
Giants (-4) over Redskins. Yes, I did pick this before it happened. Yes, Eli Manning will cause many heart attacks again this year - he threw one interception and should've thrown three more.
Jets (-3) over Dolphins. Once again, Chad Pennington will be trying to make the Jets lose, only this time he's in the wrong uniform.
Bengals (-1.5) over Ravens. Ravens QB Kyle Boller is out for the season. This is probably a good thing for Baltimore, but wait...nothing ever good happens to Baltimore.
Patriots (-15.5) over Chiefs. Really, Hernandez? the Chiefs? Sucker.
Steelers (-6.5) over Texans. I swear, I made these picks before I saw they all disagreed with Hernandez'. Early season buzz is that the Steelers are back, baby. I hate them, but they're always great at home, and they only have to win by a touchdown.
Jaguars (-3) over Titans. The Titans are a physical team with Lamar from 'Revenge of their Nerds' as their quarterback. Jacksonville's quarterback David Garrard is an enormous man who could eat the Titan's quarterback.
Lions (-1) over Falcons. Nobody cares.
Bills (-1) over Seahawks. Tim Russert was a Bills fan, so they should make the playoffs this year. It'd be the right thing to do.
Saints (-3) over Buccaneers. The Saints were amazing two years ago and pathetic-to-mediocre last year. Alcoholism skips generations, and I'm betting Saints football skips years.
Rams (+7.5) over Eagles. Fuck the Eagles. I used to root for this team. The Rams are much better than last year, when their entire offensive line was injured.
Cowboys (-5.5) over Browns. Jessica Simpson is my favorite player on either side.
Chargers (-9.5) over Panthers. LT, LT, LT. LT. Gonna eat a BLT during this one and listen to Public Image, LTD.
Cardinals (-2.5) over 49ers. Yawn.
Colts (-9.5) over Bears. I hope this one turns out the other way. But have you been to Indianapolis? There's nothing else going for that city. Not even the speedway.
Vikings (+2.5) over Packers. I like Adrian Peterson for all the reasons that Hernandez doesn't. I'm also rooting against Aaron Rodgers because you'd have to be a fool to step into Brett Favre's shoes.
Raiders (+3) over Broncos. I can't stand the Broncos, probably because of their insufferable coach Mike Shanahan. Plus, the Raiders are true scum - they may up and mass murder one of their opponents one week. That'd be news.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
I Am Indeed Ready For Some Football
Tis the season to be jolly, because it's finally the season to watch grown men beat the ever-lovin' shit out of each other on the gridiron again. Fuck off and die, baseball!
Our 3 readers have probably noticed this blog has been dormant lately following a scintillating start. But don't blame Keith. He probably would've popped his head up more often if I had been around to give him good ideas to steal. Unfortunately I've been mostly unavailable in recent weeks because of three people: Barack Obama, John McCain and my new daughter. Now none of them are getting my vote in November.
(Interesting factoid: Little Cocaine was juuust edged out by Sarah Palin for the veep spot, on account of the fact that her tits aren't as big as the governor's. Someday sweetie, someday.)
So, yeah... about the blog. Football and the Premiership are underway, hockey and hoops are just around the corner, and even boring ass baseball is entering the only 6 weeks of the year it can consistently hold my interest. So we here at I'm Keith Hernandez are ready to kick it into another gear. Or at least first gear, considering we've been idling for two months now.
IKH v2.0 is primed for the real sports season to start, beginning with tonight's NFL opener starring my World Champion New York Football Giants in the role of a bullet, and the Washington Redskins in the role of Sean Taylor's femoral artery. Keith and I are real men who have decided to do weekly picks this year. Hopefully we'll be able to come up with some meaningful stakes over drinks some night at IKH's Manhattan outpost. Until then you'll just have to settle for amazing insight, wisdom and dick jokes. And now the picks!
Giants (-4) over Redskins
If this line were 20 I'd still take the G-Men, who will crush the Native American pussies by three scores. Hard as it is to believe, Washington was actually a playoff team last year. How did that happen? I have no idea. This team sucks, the QB sucks, and with a new head coach and offensive system, they will be even worse this year. Jason Taylor should be an upgrade over the dead Sean Taylor, but not by much. Giants, meanwhile, will roll to a second straight Super Bowl title.
(Ed note: This was obviously written before Thursday's game. While I was wrong about it being a blowout, anyone who saw it knows who dominated the game. Also, I still got the pick right, and I'm an honest guy to boot for not changing my post after the fact. Top that, bitch.)
Dolphins (+3) over Jets
Miami will play its ass off at home for Parcells. Hell, they even played their asses off last year when they were going nowhere. I see them as being a semi-sleeper this year. Not sleeper playoff caliber, but sleeper 8-8.
Favre will make the Jets better, but only by a little. NY spent a buttload of cash on old and washed up players (Faneca, Woody, Jenkins) and another guy who has never proven anything in the league (Calvin Pace.) Their top pick, Vernon Gohlston, is an athletic freak who doesn't know how to play football. Same thing with their top pick from two years back, D'Brickashaw Ferguson, who despite his amazing name is as soft as a tampon. I love hating the Jets.
Ravens (+1.5) over Bengals
Speaking of soft, meet the Cincinnati Bengals. For a team of world class criminals and scumbags, you'd think they would play tougher. I guess they save it for their women. They'll dissapoint again this year.
Every year I expect the Ravens to slip, and they have to a degree, but that D is always tough, and I have no doubt in my mind if these two teams were cellmates, the Bengals would be the ones taking it up the ass.
Chiefs (+15.5) over Patriots
Chiefs will suck again, but this spread is too big for Week 1, when most teams are still working out the kinks and don't play sharp. Also, this isn't last year. Giants shattered the cloak of invincibility, and New England has a terrible secondary. The Pats will win their division again, but they're going to have to win a lot of shootouts to get there.
Texans (+6.5) over Steelers
Pittsburgh's offensive line isn't what it once was, and Big Ben is bound to get hurt again. Seems like they were doing it with smoke and mirrors last season. Call it a hunch, but I see them tailing off a bit this year.
Texans could be improved. I like Schaub (if he stays healthy) and their receivers, and Mario Williams is the real deal. I have witnesses who heard me trash Reggie Bush before the draft, and I love shoving it in their faces.
Jaguars (-3) over Titans
Titans are a solid, physical team, but the Jags are for real and will win it by at least a touchdown.
Lions (-1) over Falcons
Jesus - who fucked the Football God's wife? Fess up, because the rest of us don't deserve this crap.
Bills (-1) over Seahawks
I hate everything about those frontrunning, glass-jawed Seahawks. Can't win on the road, and they play in the worst division in football. Also, Matt Hasselbeck's sister-in-law is The View's Elizabeth Hasselbeck, whose company I had the distinct displeasure of being in a few days ago. Whereas in the past she was just some idiot TV conservative who I mostly ignored (but wouldn't mind fucking), now she may be my most hated person on the planet (who I'd definitely still fuck.) I'll explain more another day.
Bills are going to sneak up on people like OJ surprised Ron and Nicole.
Saints (-3) over Buccaneers
Don't like either team, but New Orleans' O is going to be good. Hope you tear an ACL Shockey.
Eagles (-7.5) over Rams
The Eagles are the most overrated team in football, but these are the Rams we're talking about, playing on the road in front of the crazed hordes of subhuman lowlifes that fill whatever they call that stadium that isn't the Vet. Philly gets to feel good for one week at least.
Cowboys (-5.5) over Browns
My hatred of the Boys is overwhelming, so I'll bite my tongue.
Panthers (+9) over Chargers
LaDanian Tomlinson will come back to earth this year, Philip Rivers is a cunt, and Steroid Boy Shawn Merriman is hurt. The Whale's Vagina are a fashionable Super Bowl favorite, but this spread is too big. Plus, I love Jake the Snake.
(BTW, if anyone ever calls Tomlinson LT on this site, there will be hell to pay. I don't feel the need to explain why.)
Cardinals (-2.5) over 49ers
Arizona has talent, but they'll do something to fuck things up before it's all said and done. Still, I'll take them this week over the suck-ass San Franciscans.
Colts (-9.5) over Bears
Do I have to say anything other than Kyle Orton?
Packers (-2.5) over Vikings
Green Bay will survive the exodus of St. Brett because the rest of the team is better than people think. I'm actually rooting for Aaron Rodgers just to spite all of the Favre ass kissing. Also, I'm not sold on the Vikes. Tavaris Jackson is a complete enigma, and Adrian Peterson is being crowned waaay too soon. He's based his whole reputation on like 5 good games last year. The rest of the time he was either average or injured. Can't explain why I don't like him - I just don't.
Raiders (+3) over Broncos
Denver is another team I have an irrational hatred of. I just spent a week there, and honestly, it's a shitty city. Sure, the mountains are beautiful and all, but here's the dirty little secret about Denver - it's not actually IN the mountains! It's on the high plains NEAR the Rockies, but as for the actual city, it may as well be Indianapolis with a pretty backdrop. What does this have to do with football? Nothing. But I hate Jay Cutler and Mike "The Most Overrated Coach in the NFL" Shanahan, and I like to see dirtbags like Oakland beat up on pretty boys like the Broncos. So there.
Your move Keith.
Our 3 readers have probably noticed this blog has been dormant lately following a scintillating start. But don't blame Keith. He probably would've popped his head up more often if I had been around to give him good ideas to steal. Unfortunately I've been mostly unavailable in recent weeks because of three people: Barack Obama, John McCain and my new daughter. Now none of them are getting my vote in November.
(Interesting factoid: Little Cocaine was juuust edged out by Sarah Palin for the veep spot, on account of the fact that her tits aren't as big as the governor's. Someday sweetie, someday.)
So, yeah... about the blog. Football and the Premiership are underway, hockey and hoops are just around the corner, and even boring ass baseball is entering the only 6 weeks of the year it can consistently hold my interest. So we here at I'm Keith Hernandez are ready to kick it into another gear. Or at least first gear, considering we've been idling for two months now.
IKH v2.0 is primed for the real sports season to start, beginning with tonight's NFL opener starring my World Champion New York Football Giants in the role of a bullet, and the Washington Redskins in the role of Sean Taylor's femoral artery. Keith and I are real men who have decided to do weekly picks this year. Hopefully we'll be able to come up with some meaningful stakes over drinks some night at IKH's Manhattan outpost. Until then you'll just have to settle for amazing insight, wisdom and dick jokes. And now the picks!
Giants (-4) over Redskins
If this line were 20 I'd still take the G-Men, who will crush the Native American pussies by three scores. Hard as it is to believe, Washington was actually a playoff team last year. How did that happen? I have no idea. This team sucks, the QB sucks, and with a new head coach and offensive system, they will be even worse this year. Jason Taylor should be an upgrade over the dead Sean Taylor, but not by much. Giants, meanwhile, will roll to a second straight Super Bowl title.
(Ed note: This was obviously written before Thursday's game. While I was wrong about it being a blowout, anyone who saw it knows who dominated the game. Also, I still got the pick right, and I'm an honest guy to boot for not changing my post after the fact. Top that, bitch.)
Dolphins (+3) over Jets
Miami will play its ass off at home for Parcells. Hell, they even played their asses off last year when they were going nowhere. I see them as being a semi-sleeper this year. Not sleeper playoff caliber, but sleeper 8-8.
Favre will make the Jets better, but only by a little. NY spent a buttload of cash on old and washed up players (Faneca, Woody, Jenkins) and another guy who has never proven anything in the league (Calvin Pace.) Their top pick, Vernon Gohlston, is an athletic freak who doesn't know how to play football. Same thing with their top pick from two years back, D'Brickashaw Ferguson, who despite his amazing name is as soft as a tampon. I love hating the Jets.
Ravens (+1.5) over Bengals
Speaking of soft, meet the Cincinnati Bengals. For a team of world class criminals and scumbags, you'd think they would play tougher. I guess they save it for their women. They'll dissapoint again this year.
Every year I expect the Ravens to slip, and they have to a degree, but that D is always tough, and I have no doubt in my mind if these two teams were cellmates, the Bengals would be the ones taking it up the ass.
Chiefs (+15.5) over Patriots
Chiefs will suck again, but this spread is too big for Week 1, when most teams are still working out the kinks and don't play sharp. Also, this isn't last year. Giants shattered the cloak of invincibility, and New England has a terrible secondary. The Pats will win their division again, but they're going to have to win a lot of shootouts to get there.
Texans (+6.5) over Steelers
Pittsburgh's offensive line isn't what it once was, and Big Ben is bound to get hurt again. Seems like they were doing it with smoke and mirrors last season. Call it a hunch, but I see them tailing off a bit this year.
Texans could be improved. I like Schaub (if he stays healthy) and their receivers, and Mario Williams is the real deal. I have witnesses who heard me trash Reggie Bush before the draft, and I love shoving it in their faces.
Jaguars (-3) over Titans
Titans are a solid, physical team, but the Jags are for real and will win it by at least a touchdown.
Lions (-1) over Falcons
Jesus - who fucked the Football God's wife? Fess up, because the rest of us don't deserve this crap.
Bills (-1) over Seahawks
I hate everything about those frontrunning, glass-jawed Seahawks. Can't win on the road, and they play in the worst division in football. Also, Matt Hasselbeck's sister-in-law is The View's Elizabeth Hasselbeck, whose company I had the distinct displeasure of being in a few days ago. Whereas in the past she was just some idiot TV conservative who I mostly ignored (but wouldn't mind fucking), now she may be my most hated person on the planet (who I'd definitely still fuck.) I'll explain more another day.
Bills are going to sneak up on people like OJ surprised Ron and Nicole.
Saints (-3) over Buccaneers
Don't like either team, but New Orleans' O is going to be good. Hope you tear an ACL Shockey.
Eagles (-7.5) over Rams
The Eagles are the most overrated team in football, but these are the Rams we're talking about, playing on the road in front of the crazed hordes of subhuman lowlifes that fill whatever they call that stadium that isn't the Vet. Philly gets to feel good for one week at least.
Cowboys (-5.5) over Browns
My hatred of the Boys is overwhelming, so I'll bite my tongue.
Panthers (+9) over Chargers
LaDanian Tomlinson will come back to earth this year, Philip Rivers is a cunt, and Steroid Boy Shawn Merriman is hurt. The Whale's Vagina are a fashionable Super Bowl favorite, but this spread is too big. Plus, I love Jake the Snake.
(BTW, if anyone ever calls Tomlinson LT on this site, there will be hell to pay. I don't feel the need to explain why.)
Cardinals (-2.5) over 49ers
Arizona has talent, but they'll do something to fuck things up before it's all said and done. Still, I'll take them this week over the suck-ass San Franciscans.
Colts (-9.5) over Bears
Do I have to say anything other than Kyle Orton?
Packers (-2.5) over Vikings
Green Bay will survive the exodus of St. Brett because the rest of the team is better than people think. I'm actually rooting for Aaron Rodgers just to spite all of the Favre ass kissing. Also, I'm not sold on the Vikes. Tavaris Jackson is a complete enigma, and Adrian Peterson is being crowned waaay too soon. He's based his whole reputation on like 5 good games last year. The rest of the time he was either average or injured. Can't explain why I don't like him - I just don't.
Raiders (+3) over Broncos
Denver is another team I have an irrational hatred of. I just spent a week there, and honestly, it's a shitty city. Sure, the mountains are beautiful and all, but here's the dirty little secret about Denver - it's not actually IN the mountains! It's on the high plains NEAR the Rockies, but as for the actual city, it may as well be Indianapolis with a pretty backdrop. What does this have to do with football? Nothing. But I hate Jay Cutler and Mike "The Most Overrated Coach in the NFL" Shanahan, and I like to see dirtbags like Oakland beat up on pretty boys like the Broncos. So there.
Your move Keith.
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