I'm Keith Hernandez!

WE'VE MOVED...

2009-01-04T17:04:00.000-08:00

Find us at our new home: I'm Keith Hernandez! Update your links.

All the old content from this site is also up at the new page, but we'll leave this little guy up for nostalgia. Let this nascent little site fade off into nothingness, like a sex life.

Keith's first round playoff picks

2009-01-02T22:42:00.000-08:00

Tonight, my furry-balled friends, is the last I'm Keith Hernandez post in this rudimentary format. This was just a lark so Hernandez and I could rap sports, but he's proven to be such a misguided douche-sicle that I felt it was time to expand the format so that more people could see me dismantle his ridiculous opinions. Yes, he outpicked me in football this year, but he's a Mets fan. It's hard living.

Let's look at the games:

Falcons at Cardinals

The Cardinals are the worst team to win a division and host a playoff game ever. I'm absolutely sure of it. The Cardinals are the Sixteen Candles Farmer Ted, King of the Geeks, heads of the worst division ever to play a game and call it football. The Falcons, meanwhile, are an upstart team, completely turned around from last year, and making semen squirt from penises across America.

The Falcons are the better team, but I can't vouch for a rookie quarterback in the playoffs. Shortloads and shortloads of fudge-y badness. I'm rooting for them, but I think the worse team will win.

Pick: Cardinals

Colts at Chargers

The Chargers always play the Colts tough, and won out to squeeze into the playoffs. But they're going to get faced. They're the horse-faced girl in that bad porn clip you downloaded last night. I hate to agree with Hernandez, but right is right, fair is fair, and Peyton Manning has a pretty mouth.

Pick: Colts

Ravens at Dolphins

The Ravens are my dark-horse pick to sneak into the Super Bowl. They play steady, and they consistently play hard. They never played an awful game this year. Not the best team in the AFC, but against a Miami Dolphins team that relies on a gimmick Wildcat offense to score points, I like them. These two teams met earlier in the year, and Baltimore ravished Miami with pearl necklaces and Dirty Sanchezs.

Hernandez says the Ravens D gets all the pub, but what he forgets is that the offense averaged 24 points a game this year. They'll do fine.

Pick: Ravens

Eagles at Vikings

Hernandez is wrong. I'm taking the Vikings. And for the tenth time this year, he takes a private email I write him and puts it on the blog when he points out that yes, Tavaris Jackson has a better QB rating than Eli Manning. Hernandez disparages the QB rating, but uses the much better argument that Eli "always makes the big play when he needs to." Which is so much of a better rating system for quarterbacks -- completely irrelevant rose-colored viewing by a homer Giants fan. In said private email, he didn't address that the Giants have *the best* offensive line in football, *the best* blocking fullback in football, and the 5th team ever to feature two running backs who gained 1000 yards in the same season. Ladies and gentlemen, that makes life 100 times easier on a quarterback.

For this post alone, I'm going out to Donovans weeks in advance of Hernandez's gift burger, befriending the cook, and hawking a big fat loogie into his ground beef beforehand. I know that sounds sick, but that's only because I'm going to drink a concoction of rat farts, ground up chicken feet and Country Club malt liquor before said loogie.

Pick: Vikings

Hernandez NFL Playoff Picks - Round 1

2009-01-01T19:43:00.000-08:00

Now that this New Year's shit is out of the way, it's time to get serious. The playoffs officially begin Saturday, but for a lot of teams it really kicked off last Sunday, when there were multiple postseason spots on the line and about 12 teams with a chance to make it. The day was packed with non-stop action, and fortunately the Jets, Cowboys, Patriots and Broncos all ate a dick and won't be participating in the fun. I couldn't be happier.

The Pats can hold their heads high because at least they won. Those other teams have no excuse. The Broncos deserved to lose because the Hochuli call wasn't fair, but holy shit did they ever get reamed. There's bad defense, and then there's giving up 52 in a "win and you're in" scenario. Atrocious. I applaud their management for finally firing Mike Shanahan, who has been living off the faded glory of Horseface Elway for more than a decade.

The Cowboys were just as bad with their own season on the line, getting blown out 44-6 by a hated division rival. Couldn't have happened to a nicer bunch of scumbags. And I love that Jerry Jones is too arrogant and stubborn to admit his mistake in hiring Wade Philips, so he's going to force him to stay on as coach next year when he clearly can't control players who don't respect him. This is so awesome.

And the Jets? Whoo boy. Hating this team has given me a lifetime of pleasure, and this season was exactly like last season's miraculous Giants championship run, only in reverse. SO much fun to watch, and it should continue in the near future. They did the right thing by getting rid of Eric "Worst 'Sopranos' Cameo Ever" Mangini, but undercut it by keeping their lawyer/cap guy (i.e., non-football guy) GM Mike Tannenbaum. He can't evaluate talent and will continue to drive them further into cap hell. And then there's the Favre thing, which has the Jets fucked eight ways til Sunday. If he stays they're stuck with a washed up 40-year-old QB, and if he leaves they're stuck with Kellen Clemens or some other sucker. PLEASE Spagnuolo - don't go coach these guys. Your career may never recover.

So yeah, last Sunday was one of the greatest days of football you'll ever see. In some ways it may even be better than the wildcard round, although I'm hoping this weekend's games will exceed my expectations. Keith and I are going to do picks, but we've agreed that we're only picking winners because point spreads are meaningless in the playoffs.

(For the record, Keith corrected me on my season totals last week. I was missing a week, which I'll try to track down when I get a chance. What I am sure of is that last week I went 10-6 and Keith went 11-5, so he gained a game. Depending on if he beat me in that missing week, plus the playoffs, he still may have a chance to win the Great Donovan's Burger Bet. I really should figure this out.)

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Falcons at Cardinals

Arizona is a terrible playoff team. They can throw it, but they can't do anything else. This won't be a cakewalk for Atlanta because Arizona will put up points on their suspect defense, but Michael Turner will run the ball down their throats and control the clock.

Pick: Falcons

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Colts at Chargers

These teams always play close games, and while San Diego is on a hot streak, no one is hotter than Indianapolis. I don't know how they do it, but Indy keeps finding ways to eek out W's, and I think they'll do it again this week.

Pick: Colts

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Ravens at Dolphins

The Ravens D gets all the pub, and deservedly so, but the Dolphins D isn't too shabby either. What's lost in all the hoopla about how physical the Ravens are is that they really don't run the ball all that well, and I think Miami will shut down their ground game and put the game on Flacco's shoulders. He's shown promise, but I don't like his chances on the road this week. Miami's remarkable Cinderella season continues for one more week.

Pick: Dolphins

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Eagles at Vikings

I have a feeling that - like everyone else in the world - Keith will pick the Eagles in this game. He may even say - like everyone else in the world - a major factor is that Minnesota QB Tavaris Jackson sucks. If he doesn't say that, I apologize in advance. But if he does, I'll remind him he's also on the record privately as saying Tavaris has a higher QB rating than Eli Manning. I'm not quite sure what to make of that; does Keith actually think Tavaris is a better QB than Eli? That would be really funny. Either way, whatever reason Keith pulls out of his ass to justify his pick should be fun to read.

I'm going out on a limb and taking Minnesota in this game because I don't trust the Eagles. The conventional wisdom is that Philly is a major threat to make the Super Bowl, except that they're wildly inconsistent, which makes them overrated. They shot their load against Dallas last week and will be overconfident with everyone expecting them to roll through Minnesota. Purple Jesus will run roughshod, Tavaris will make a spectacular play with his legs, the Vikes D will cause a couple of turnovers, Philly won't be able to convert most third and short situations, and Andy Reid will do something questionable to cost his team points. It'll be close, but Minnesota will ride the emotion of their home crowd to victory.

Pick: Vikings

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Like I wrote last week, I will finally be enjoying the playoffs on my brand new HDTV. Sweet. I feel like I'm watching TV in the future. Keith has mentioned that he doesn't watch much standard TV anymore because he's spoiled by HD, and after a week I can totally see his point. Everything looks better, but sports are where it really shines. That whole "you feel like you're there" cliche is actually true, and I've found myself watching more shitty college football games than I normally would just because it looks so damned good. Thank god I upgraded in time for the NFL playoffs. Maybe we'll upgrade this site too just in time for Round 2.

Hernandez Week 17 Picks

2008-12-27T20:15:00.001-08:00

Can this really be the end? Holy fucking christ on a cupcake! The NFL regular season ends Sunday, and for the life of me I can't figure out why *this* day isn't called Black Sunday. It really is painful. No more Thursday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday night games, no more watching for the scores and highlights of up to 13 games from 1pm to 7:30pm every Sunday, no more beating on Keith in our picks. This sucks.

Speaking of which, Keith went 5-11 with his picks last week, and I went 10-6. Going into the final week Keith's season total is 106-118, and mine is 120-104. He'd pretty much have to run the table from here through the Pro Bowl to win, but stranger things have happened. Not much stranger, granted, but I like to think of myself as an optimist.

Oh, and if you're wondering about the IKH field trip to the Giants/Panthers showdown last Sunday, it was beyond fantastic. A game so great it deserves its own post, which we will definitely write. And because we love you all so much, thanks to my compadre, that post will have photos too! You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll stuff your face.

Enough foreplay - let's get to the final regular season picks. (We're doing playoff picks too, because I say so.) Since the season is wrapping up, I thought it'd be fun to go back and see what I wrote about each team before Week 1. So let's take a trip in the ole wayback machine...

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VIKINGS (6.5) vs Giants

Week 1 Giants: "Will roll to a second straight Super Bowl title."

Yep.

Week 1 Vikings: "I'm not sold on the Vikes. Tavaris Jackson is a complete enigma, and Adrian Peterson is being crowned waaay too soon. He's based his whole reputation on like 5 good games last year. The rest of the time he was either average or injured. Can't explain why I don't like him - I just don't."

Right on Tavaris, wrong on Purple Jesus. But the Giants will stuff him on Sunday and win the game anyway. Sure, Minny needs it more, but they couldn't beat Atlanta at home last week, and the Giants have a whole bunch of depth that will make up for their missing starters.

Pick: Giants

Underrated Giant of the Week: Kevin Boss. Can't believe I haven't picked him yet. He's got great hands, runs good routes, has more speed and athleticism than people realize, and has quietly developed into a steady blocker. Maybe most importantly, he's NOT Jeremy Shockey. If he keeps this up he won't be underrated much longer.

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JETS (2.5) vs Dolphins

Week 1 Jets: "Favre will make the Jets better, but only by a little. NY spent a buttload of cash on old and washed up players (Faneca, Woody, Jenkins) and another guy who has never proven anything in the league (Calvin Pace.) Their top pick, Vernon Gohlston, is an athletic freak who doesn't know how to play football."

I rest my case.

Week 1 Dolphins: "I see them as being a semi-sleeper this year. Not sleeper playoff caliber, but sleeper 8-8."

Correct again, although they're even better than I predicted. Oh, and they'll kick New York's ass this weekend to the tune of 31-17. The Jets despise Manboobs, and Favre has already quit. I fucking love it.

Pick: Dolphins

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BUCCANEERS (12.5) vs Raiders

I didn't say much about either of these teams in Week 1 other than that I hate them both. Still do.

Pick: Raiders

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PACKERS (10.5) vs Lions

Week 1 Packers: "Green Bay will survive the exodus of St. Brett because the rest of the team is better than people think. I'm actually rooting for Aaron Rodgers just to spite all of the Favre ass kissing."

Way off on this one. They survived losing Favre, but the rest of the team is definitely not better than people think, especially Ryan "Giants 5th String RB" Grant. And while Aaron Rodgers actually does have good stats, he throws at least one absolutely killer pick per game.

C'mon Lions! I still believe.

Pick: Lions

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EAGLES (1.5) vs Cowboys

Week 1 Eagles: "The Eagles are the most overrated team in football."

Half-right. They're definitely among the most overrated teams.

I didn't say anything about Dallas in Week 1 because I hate them so much none of it would be rational. I'll stick with that this week. But I have to say this game is utterly fascinating on so many levels that it's nearly impossible to pick. And it would've been even that much greater if the Eagles didn't choke against the Redskins last week. Stupid cunts.

Pick: Eagles

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TEXANS (2.5) vs Bears

Week 1 Texans: "Texans could be improved. I like Schaub (if he stays healthy) and their receivers, and Mario Williams is the real deal."

The Texans started off horribly, but the last few weeks have made this prediction look better than I thought.

Week 1 Bears: "Do I have to say anything other than Kyle Orton?"

Orton started off great, but the last few weeks have made this prediction look better than I thought.

Pick: Texans

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Panthers (2.5) vs SAINTS

Week 1 Panthers: "I love Jake the Snake."

Still do.

Week 1 Saints: "New Orleans' O is going to be good. Hope you tear an ACL Shockey."

Duh, and not quite, although the Shocker was hurt a ton this year as always.

Pick: Panthers

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FALCONS (14.5) vs Rams

I thought both these teams would suck. I'm man enough to admit I'm wrong about the Falcons, but pussy enough to say so was everyone else. Their own GM thought they'd blow too, so stuff it.

Pick: Rams (to cover only)

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BENGALS (2.5) vs Chiefs

Week 1 Bengals: "Speaking of soft, meet the Cincinnati Bengals. For a team of world class criminals and scumbags, you'd think they would play tougher. I guess they save it for their women. They'll disappoint again this year."

I'm not even going to take credit for this. I just thought it was funny.

Week 1 Chiefs: "Chiefs will suck again."

Am I a supergenius or what?

Pick: Chiefs

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RAVENS (11.5) vs Jaguars

Week 1 Ravens: "Every year I expect the Ravens to slip, and they have to a degree, but that D is always tough."

Unbelievable. Just call me Captain Obvious.

Week 1 Jaguars: "The Jags are for real."

Yes. If by "for real" you mean "folded like a cheap suit and quit on their coach when they were faced with adversity," sure, the Jags were for real.

Pick: Ravens

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Titans (2.5) vs COLTS

Week 1 Titans: "Titans are a solid, physical team."

OK, I didn't make any grand predictions for them, but are they not a solid, physical team? I'd say so. I'm going to pretend I predicted they'd be great this year. Just try to stop me.

Pick: Titans

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STEELERS (10.5) vs Browns

Week 1 Steelers: "Pittsburgh's offensive line isn't what it once was, and Big Ben is bound to get hurt again. Seems like they were doing it with smoke and mirrors last season. Call it a hunch, but I see them tailing off a bit this year."

The hunch was wrong, but I don't see them going far in the playoffs for just the reasons I wrote above.

Pick: Browns

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Patriots (5.5) vs BILLS

Week 1 Patriots: "The Giants shattered their cloak of invincibility, and New England has a terrible secondary. The Pats will win their division again, but they're going to have to win a lot of shootouts to get there."

This whole thing goes out the window because of the Brady injury. But their secondary is still terrible, and they still might win their division, so I kind of rule.

Week 1 Bills: "Bills are going to sneak up on people like OJ surprised Ron and Nicole."

So true. They DID sneak up on people who trusted them and slashed their throats. Namely Keith and myself.

Pick: Patriots

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CARDINALS (5.5) vs Seahawks

Week 1 Cardinals: "Arizona has talent, but they'll do something to fuck things up before it's all said and done."

You've gotta give me that one, right?

Week 1 Seahawks: "I hate everything about those frontrunning, glass-jawed Seahawks. Can't win on the road, and they play in the worst division in football. Also, Matt Hasselbeck's sister-in-law is The View's Elizabeth Hasselbeck, whose company I had the distinct displeasure of being in a few days ago. Whereas in the past she was just some idiot TV conservative who I mostly ignored (but wouldn't mind fucking), now she may be my most hated person on the planet (who I'd definitely still fuck.)"

Check and mate. And while we're at it, my feelings about Elizabeth Hasselbeck haven't changed.

Pick: Seahawks

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49ERS (2.5) vs Redskins

Week 1 Redskins: "Hard as it is to believe, Washington was actually a playoff team last year. How did that happen? I have no idea. This team sucks, the QB sucks, and with a new head coach and offensive system, they will be even worse this year. Jason Taylor should be an upgrade over the dead Sean Taylor, but not by much."

Finishing strong.

Pick: 49ers

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CHARGERS (8.5) vs Broncos

Week 1 Broncos: "Denver is another team I have an irrational hatred of. I hate Jay Cutler and Mike "The Most Overrated Coach in the NFL" Shanahan."

Week 1 Chargers: "LaDanian Tomlinson will come back to earth this year, Philip Rivers is a cunt, and Steroid Boy Shawn Merriman is hurt."

It's nice to see some things haven't changed.

Pick: Broncos

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Enjoy the games this weekend. I'll do the same on my brand new HDTV. America, fuck yeah!

Christmas

2008-12-25T12:18:00.000-08:00

I will definitely watch Celtics/Lakers today. Thank jeebus for the NBA, otherwise we'd have nothing to distract us from our boring families on Christmas. Unless you count college football, and anyone who reads this site regularly knows I don't.

Unfortunately there wasn't any NBA on Christmas Eve, just Notre Dame/Hawaii in the - get ready for it - Hawaii Bowl. Yawn. To get my sports fix I resorted to DVRing two ESPN Classic games: "The Fumble" and "The Tuck Game." So fucking awesome. I watched both of these games live when they happened, and I have to say that watching them again really drove home how much mythology and conventional wisdom can affect your memory of sports.

To the uninitiated, the 1987 AFC Championship Game between Cleveland and Denver ended when Cleveland running back Ernest Byner fumbled on his way into the endzone for what would've been the game-winning touchdown. Byner is an all-time goat in the Cleve because of that play, and until yesterday I would've sworn he just dropped the ball without being touched by a defender. But no siree. The DB actually made a great play, punching the ball out as he was tackling Byner. Like I said, I distinctly remember watching this game, and "The Fumble" has taken on the stench of a legendary fuckup, so imagine my surprise when I realized 21 years later that what I thought had happened really didn't. I feel betrayed. By whom? Myself, I guess. And every bitter Cleveland fan who ever brings it up. Get over it already pussies.

Anyway, after seeing the game all over again yesterday, I'm giving Ernest Byner a Christmas pardon. You're off my shit list forever. Although I suspect Cleveland fans won't be as forgiving, probably because the memories of that game make it too painful to watch again with an open mind. I guess I can understand, because "The Fumble" came just a year after "The Drive," when Denver QB John "Horseface" Elway beat Cleveland with a last-minute 98 yard TD drive. Oooof! Any time your team winds up on the wrong end of one of those sports moments that are so historic they can be referred to with two words - The Fumble, The Drive, etc. - you're in bad shape. So despite calling them pussies in the previous graph, I guess I have to applaud the resolve of Browns fans, because if my team had its season end in heartbreaking fashion two straight years to the same team, I would've killed someone or myself.

"The Tuck Game" was a classic too, although my memory of that one isn't as skewed as it was for "The Fumble." For instance, even though I hate the Raiders with a passion, I thought at the time (and still do) that the ref's call was horrible and the Patriots should've lost. A fumble is a fumble is a fumble. But one aspect of the game that stood out this time around is how much better the Raiders were than that Patriots team, especially on offense. Brady's top receiver was David Patten, and their top running back was literally some guy I've never heard of. Oakland outplayed New England, but the blizzard evened the field and kept it closer than it should've been. I remember the two teams being even, but honestly, New England was lucky they weren't blown out.

The other overriding point of this post is that ESPN Classic really needs to stop showing poker and American Gladiators 24/7 and get back to doing what it's intended to do: show historic sporting events we haven't seen in years. Seriously, these things are great. The two specials I watched yesterday were each 90 minutes and included almost every play of the entire game - even incompletions and meaningless runs - with the downtime edited out. It was interspersed with updated commentary from players and coaches from both sides that really shed light on what had happened in the game. I need more of this please. I'll suck your dick Santa!

I'm not sure if any of this interests anyone except me, but I needed something to do while my son ignores me because he's more interested in the toys I got for him for Christmas than he is in hanging out with his old man. Also, I really want IKH to reach 100 posts by New Year's so we can launch the new version of the site. So expect a few more of these rambling musings in the next week or so. And if you're all good little boys and girls, I'll keep it up in 2009.

Hernandez Week 16 Picks

2008-12-19T19:49:00.000-08:00

I've got nothing this week. Ain't that a bitch? I'm not down on sports. On the contrary, sports is an amazingly welcome respite from a busy work schedule and another rote Christmas season. It's just that I don't have the energy to write much this week. But I suppose I'll do it anyway because I love you all, because God would want me to if he actually existed, and because as a married man I'm used to faking it.

Keith went 7-9 last week while I went 9-7.

We're going to Giants/Panthers on Sunday night, come snow, sleet, rain, hail, hell, high water or any combination of the above. It will be glorious.

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Thursday

Colts (6.5) vs JAGUARS

I imagine that Peyton vs. Eli Super Bowl is going to be real annoying for the rest of the country, no?

The Jags were up for a good long while in this game, but then Peyton just turned on the jets. Shit, he was so hot he probably turned on the Jets.

Pick: Colts - I won this one already and Keith didn't.

Keith: Shows you how much Hernandez knows. Peyton brushed up against an NFL record in the first half by completing his first 16 passes. He was consistently great during this game. No, the Colts covered by a measly half a point because the Jaguars' offense hit the stinkhole in the second half.

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COWBOYS (4.5) vs Ravens

This is probably a reach, but I just don't think the Cowboys can handle success.

(Damn NFL Network exclusive! Hopefully there will be a satellite TV at the party Saturday.)

Pick: Ravens

Keith picks the Cowboys. Should be a good game, but never pick a rookie QB on the road in a game with this much magnitude.
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GIANTS (2.5) vs Panthers

The Mother of All NFC Matchups this year. I think the Giants REALLY want this one, and when that happens, look out. Also, let's not underestimate the power of motivation. They've thrived off the "nobody believes in us/we get no respect" stuff, and it's all cropped up again these last two weeks after a season of sloppy blowjobs from the media. The countless columns claiming they're done or they've peaked too early only prove to me - and undoubtedly the Giants - that people really DIDN'T believe in them, but their record was so good everyone had to pretend that they did. All I know is a lot of people sure were quick to jump off that bandwagon. That's about the only kind of pussy I don't like.

Pick: Giants

Underrated Giant of the Week: All of them.

Keith's pick: Giants. I spent $75 on thermals, turtlenecks and wool socks today at Modell's. There's no fricking way in hell that Hernandez and I are going to sit in Giants Stadium and witness a loss. Not a tuna's chance in Whoreville.
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Jets (4.5) vs SEAHAWKS

I fear that the Jets dodged their bullet last week and they'll defy expectations this week by winning for the first time all year out West. Did I really just type that?

Pick: Seahawks

Uh, I pick the Seahawks too. About time for Hernandez to put down 'Flowers for Algernon' and edit his post, bc it damn sure looks like he's picking the Jets.

Keith's pick: Seahawks

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Steelers (1.5) vs TITANS

The Steelers have been incredibly lucky, and they're so due for a letdown.

Pick: Titans

Not a chance. The Steelers are the best team in the AFC right now, and they're playing for the #1 seed. The Titans, I'm afraid, have ejaculated prematurely.

Keith's pick: Steelers
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Dolphins (3.5) vs CHIEFS

Dolphins need it more.

Pick: Dolphins

Great analysis!

Keith's pick: Chiefs
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PATRIOTS (7.5) vs Cardinals

Ditto.

Pick: Patriots

Better analysis! But as it turns out, Hernandez is actually right on this one. The Cardinals are guaranteed the playoffs, where the Patriots are still fighting.

Keith's pick: Patriots
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BROWNS (2.5) vs Bengals

Awwwww, do I HAVE to?

Pick: Bengals

I wish we didn't have to. Betting on this game is as dumb as playing the slots or the lotto. That's why they call it the poor tax.

Keith's pick: Bengals
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BUCCANEERS (3.5) vs Chargers

See Miami and New England.

Pick: Buccaneers

Again, terrible analysis. The Chargers are hanging by a turf-toenail of a limb and need a win. Both teams need it equally. The Bucs will win, but not because they need it more.

Keith's pick: Buccaneers
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Eagles (4.5) vs REDSKINS

Not so sure I believe in this Eagles resurgence, but they'll take this one. They need it more than Washington, who are hurt and in the process of tuning out their rookie head coach. Not a good combination.

Pick: Eagles

Yep. Pick: Eagles.
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49ers (4.5) vs RAMS

This spread is way too low.

Pick: 49ers

Keith twirls his mustache, and realizes that he'll be able to turn Hernandez into a gambling junkie after all.

Pick: 49ers
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VIKINGS (3.5) vs Falcons

Vikings are another team I don't believe in. I'm sick of hearing how great these two Williams guys are in the middle of the D line. They're just fat fucks.

Pick: Falcons - they may not win, but I'll take a cover.

Cool! Keith misinterpreted this one too. Again, a rookie quarterback on the road against a good pass rush in Week 16 is going to lose.

Keith's pick: Vikings

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Saints (6.5) vs LIONS

I'm rooting really, really hard for Detroit because despite all the jokes I make, I don't think a real team with a real history in a real city with real fans deserves to go 0-16. That shit should be reserved for the Tampa's and Houston's of the world.

Pick: Lions

100% agree. Picking the Lions too. And I think they're going to win.
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BRONCOS (5.5) vs Bills

Coin flip.

Pick: Broncos

If the Chargers lose at 1pm (and they should), the Broncos clinch and don't have to try. Meanwhile the Bills have Trent Edwards back, and have given NFL gamblers the equivalent of genital herpes this year. They'll settle all bets.

Keith's pick: Bills
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Texans (6.5) vs RAIDERS

Going into the season I thought the Texans had a chance to be decent, so I picked them a bunch of times early and they burned me. Now I stop picking them and those motherless cocksuckers go on a roll. That's what you get when you put your trust into anything from that cesspool Houston. And just for that, I ain't picking them again even though I know they'll cover this spread. It's win-win; If they cover I can still feel good about standing up for my longstanding anti-Texas principles, and if they lose I win the pick. Bonus!

Pick: Raiders

Ah, sweet! Hernandez is off his meds!

Pick: Texans (the easiest pick of the week)
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BEARS (4.5) vs Packers

See Miami, New England and Tampa.

Pick: Bears

It's worth mentioning that this year's Packers team is one of the worst underachieving teams of all time. A close third behind the 2007 Mets and the 2008 Mets.

Keith's pick: Bears
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This is not the greatest post in the world. This is just a tribute.

Letdown

2008-12-15T19:15:00.000-08:00

Well, that sucked! An epic Sunday of football was ruined completely when the Giants dropped a 20-8 cockpunch to the hated Cowboys last night in Dallas. I shouldn't have to tell you that, but we have a regular reader who doesn't follow sports and I figured he should know what we're on about. But no more hints from here on in. You know who you are.

The Jets started the day off by being the Jets. Only problem is, the Bills decided to be the Bills, and they gifted the losers in puke-green a win they absolutely didn't deserve. The Jets are one pussy hair away from having a three-game losing streak, on their way to a Mets-like collapse, as I mentioned in my picks this week. But Buffalo deprived us of that. Fuckers. Watching the NYC media tear apart Manboobs and St. Favre would've been glorious.

But there's still time for the Jets to blow it all, so I'll root hard for that. I've been saying all along that they suck, and I wasn't swayed by the run they went on at midseason. They're inconsistent, horribly coached, and their schedule is a complete joke. Sure, they beat the Pats in New England, but only after blowing a huge lead. They should've lost that one, along with the opener in Miami, and of course yesterday. Only they didn't lose any of them and now they may win their division. Incredible. Welcome to being an NFL fan, where life just ain't fair sometimes.

They can tell you a little something about that in Baltimore today. Did the Ravens get jobbed? Probably. Personally, I think the ball crossed the plane of the goal line. But I'm not so sure Holmes' feet were down when it did. Either way, there wasn't indisputable evidence to overturn the call. So what do the refs do? They overturn the call and hand Pittsburgh the division title, a first round bye, and possibly home field advantage throughout the playoffs. Fucking amazing.

This season is now bookended by the Hochuli call and this call. Not good for the league. And I despise San Diego, but did anyone else notice that if it weren't for Hochuli, the Broncos and Chargers would both be 7-7 right now? I'm just saying.

After two thrilling, down-to-the-wire afternoon games, the Giants had to go fuck it up in primetime. It's not so much the loss as it is HOW they lost. Eight sacks is embarrassing. I don't care if McKenzie and Seubert were hurt. Diehl wasn't hurt, but he got abused on the very first play of the game and a whole bunch of times after that. Very disheartening.

Still, it was a game late into the second half, which is encouraging as a Giants fan considering how awful they played. What's weird is that the game stats aren't as lopsided as you'd think. The teams had the exact same number of first downs, and similar third down numbers. The Giants averaged 4.2 yards per rush, while the Cowboys averaged 4.8, and that was padded by Choice's long TD to ice the game. New York also had a slight lead in time of possession, and won the penalty battle by a big margin. (Dallas had 11 for 108 yards!)

So what happened? Bad coaching, for one thing. Kevin Gilbride abandoned the run way too soon. It seemed like Eli dropped back to pass the entire second half, even though the Giants obviously couldn't contain Dallas' pass rush. They should've run more, and when they passed they needed to throw more screens, quick hitches and slants. They did none of those things. Everything was a five-step drop trying to go down the field. In short, they got greedy.

The normally infallible Steve Spagnuolo also got greedy with the blitz. While I'll admit the pressure they put on Homo was fun to watch - and I really did think he was one more hit away from being knocked out of the game - they actually got burned on it in the end.

So that sets up a pretty crucial Week 16 contest between the Giants and Panthers. Personally, my panties aren't as bunched as I suspect Keith's are. Last week he emailed me privately to say if the Giants beat Dallas it meant they would win it all, but if they lost they won't make the Super Bowl. I love ya bro, but that's fucking absurd. THIS week is the game that really matters. Beating Dallas would've been the cherry on top, but it wasn't really necessary. The Giants want that No. 1 seed, or at least the No. 2 and a bye, and they can lock it up with a win at home.

More importantly, they just need to get back to playing good football. There is nothing in their track record to suggest they won't, or can't, do just that. Even after these two losses I still think they're the deepest, most balanced and best coached team in the league. That doesn't guarantee a Super Bowl repeat, but I'll still take my chances with these guys.

The best thing about Sunday night's game - the biggest game of the year in the NFC - is that Keith and I will be there in person, freezing our asses off to see it all happen. We rule.

Hernandez Week 15 Picks

2008-12-13T19:53:00.000-08:00

Yeah, yeah, I've been sick all week. I'll spare you the boring details. But Keith's jibe about getting a papercut from Readers Digest was really funny because I actually DO get Readers Digest in the mail! I'm not entirely sure how, but I think when my parents got my wife a subscription to another magazine a couple of years ago as a Christmas present, Readers Digest was included in the deal free of charge. Smart move by them, because who the fuck would ever pay for that rag? Their articles suck, and their much lauded "jokes" have - along with Jay Leno - led to the neutering of an entire generation's sense of humor. (Actual examples below.)

Anyway, I don't ever read it, but it still comes every month. My dad has long since stopped asking me if I had caught a particular article in that month's issue. But my wife made the mistake of saying she had once, so now he asks her about it every single month. And she always has an answer for him. I think she reads the damn thing just because she knows he's going to ask her if she did, and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. It's really very sweet. And that's the closest we'll come to "endearing" on this site ever again.

Before I get to the picks, here's some housekeeping that probably only interests me. I won last week with a 9-7 record, while Keith put up a 5-11 again. Ouch! Keith had me on the ropes there at midseason, but I've taken command again with a 101-91 record to his 94-98. Still, it's not over yet. Keith is very calculating and competitive. On the flip side, when the big games really mean something I start to root and I let my heart get in the way of my head. So I'm fully capable of blowing this lead. Either way, Keith and I are each getting a delicious fucking burger.

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BEARS (3.5) vs Saints

Keith went over this one already, and nice job by him stealing the game on the Internet. I heartily endorse that. I just wanted to point out that most books had this spread at 3 by gametime, not 3.5. If that had been the case in our contest I would've lost the pick, but we go by Keith's work pool spreads. So to that guy who runs Keith's work pool who's either a really cool, sympathetic guy or a gigantic fucking asshole, "Thanks!"

Pick: Saints

Readers Digest Joke #1: Halfway through dinner one night, our friend Jim told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman.
"Did you play sports in college, Mike?" his wife then asked me.
"Yes," I answered.
"I was on West Point's shooting team."
"That's great," she said, appropriately impressed. "Offense or defense?"

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COWBOYS (3.5) vs Giants

Keith couldn't be more right about how awesome it is to watch a team you despise implode in public. I've visited a few Cowboys blogs this week just to have a laugh, and it's been well worth it. They're either burying their heads in the sand or making wild claims about a media conspiracy to take down the Cowboys. Outstanding.

I've posted my theory on T.O. before, right? That he's gay? Not gay as in, "Fuck that faggot T.O." Gay as in, "He literally is a closeted homosexual." (Although to be fair, fuck that faggot T.O.) I sincerely believe the severe psychological stress of having to live his life in the closet is what leads to all of his public outbursts. First he threw Jeff Garcia under the bus, then publicly accused him of being gay. Projecting much, T.O.? Then he abruptly turned on Donovan McNabb like only someone spurned sexually can do. And really now, doesn't McNabb seem a little gay too? He's not linked with any females except his mother, and he turned into a pussy in the Super Bowl. Hmmmm. Now T.O.'s allegedly jealous that Romo is too close with Jason Whitten? Please, girlfriend.

Pick: Giants

Underrated Giant of the Week: Jeff Feagles. I had to put him here at some point, even though he's not technically underrated because he's widely considered the best directional punter of all time. But I thought he deserved some love anyway. If he blows the game with a blocked kick or a return TD this week you can just shoot me.

Readers Digest Joke #2: My mother began getting calls from men who misdialed the similar number of an escort service. Mom, who had had her number for years, asked the telephone company to change the organization's number. They refused. The calls kept coming day and night.
Finally, Mom began telling the gentlemen who called that the company had gone out of business. Within a week, the escort service voluntarily changed its number.

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JETS (7.5) vs Bills

Trust me on this - the Bills have always been the Jets nemesis. The Jets got some revenge earlier this year, but I think Buffalo is catching these guys at the right time. Eric Manboobs always panics when he's in a tight spot, and this is the tightest it's ever been for him, except for when he tried to put on his old wedding suit earlier this year. Could we be seeing the Jets make a Mets-like collapse? God I hope so.

Pick: Bills

Readers Digest Joke #3: Trying to explain to our five-year-old daughter how much computers had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.
Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, “How big was the mouse?”

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Packers (1.5) vs JAGUARS

I hate this game because it forces me to choose between two teams who I swore I would never pick again this season. Both of these gutless punks quit weeks ago, and now I've got to favor one over the other? That blows. Cousin Sal from the Kimmel show had a great line about this game: "I think that spread moves once Fred Taylor bets the Packers."

Pick: Packers (even though they suck)

Readers Digest Joke #4: My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone. Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool.
Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."

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COLTS (16.5) vs Lions

The Colts still aren't as good as they have been in recent years, but they're hot right now, and due for another offensive explosion.

Pick: Colts

Readers Digest Joke #5: A buddy of mine, Mike, had season tickets to the Detroit Lions football games. Last year they had such a miserable record that he couldn't give away two tickets to a game he wasn't able to attend. While parking at a mall, he decided to leave the tickets under his windshield wiper. "And that worked?" I asked.
"Not exactly," said Mike. "I returned to find six more tickets to the same game."

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Redskins (6.5) vs BENGALS

Every dog has its day, right? No, I'm not talking about the underdog Bengals - they fucking suck! I'm talking about the vastly overrated Redskins, who had people in Washington creaming their dockers only a couple of weeks ago, before the bottom fell out once teams realized all they had to do to win was gang up on Clinton Portis. Yep, the Jason Campbell Era was fun while it lasted, but it's just not going to work out. Sorry D.C. - can't you just be happy with Doug Williams being your franchise's only great black QB? Still, as I said, every dog has its day...

Pick: Redskins

Readers Digest Joke #6: It is so rare to be offered a meal on airlines these days that I was surprised to hear the flight attendant ask the man sitting in front of me,
"Would you like dinner?"
"What are my choices?" he responded.
"Yes or no," she said.

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FALCONS (2.5) vs Buccaneers

The Falcons are so underrated they've become overrated. Even so, I'm taking them at home by a field goal over a Tampa team that looked like a JV squad on defense last Monday night. I think the Tampa D is solid but unspectacular, and also really old, which tends to be a problem the later it gets in the season. (I'm talking to you Ronde Barber.) Getting a steady diet of Michael Turner this week ain't going to fix what ails them.

Pick: Falcons

Readers Digest Joke #7: My boyfriend and I met online and we’d been dating for over a year. I introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up.
Ever the geek, Hans naïvely replied, “I just used a regular 56K modem.”

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DOLPHINS (6.5) vs 49ers

The Dolphins will win this game, but the 49ers will cover. San Fran has been rock solid since Singletary whipped his cock out, and nearly all of Miami's games have been close. BTW, did I call the Miami resurgence this year during my Week 1 picks/season preview? I believe I did. All hail Bill Parcells, my ultimate football hero.

Pick: 49ers

Readers Digest Joke #8: This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".
The duck asks “Do you have any grapes"?

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Seahawks (3.5) vs RAMS

When two teams are 2-11, is there ANY possible way to choose between them? I don't think so, except for maybe home field. Don't get me wrong - it's not like St. Louis' corporate enormodome (actually the Edward Jones Dome, which is just a terrible, terrible name) will be rocking and intimidating to the Seahawks, it's just that the Rams will be able to sleep in their own beds, eat their usual meals and fuck their own hos. All those things are pretty important.

Pick: Rams

Readers Digest Joke #9: A passing septic service truck declared "19,500 lbs. of very gross weight."

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Titans (3.5) vs TEXANS

People are getting a little out of control with this Texans thing. They have some talent, and they try real hard, but I sense more than a little whiff of the 2007 Cleveland Browns with this team. I just pray that doesn't mean we have to endure five nationally televised Texans games next year.

Pick: Titans

Readers Digest Joke #10: Fans of '60s music, my 14-year-old daughter and her best friend got front-row tickets to a Peter, Paul and Mary concert. When they returned home, my daughter said, "During the show, we looked back and saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At first we thought the people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience."

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RAVENS (1.5) vs Steelers

HULK SMASH!!!

Pick: Steelers

Readers Digest Joke #11: Even though it was warm outside, the heat was on full blast in my office at the hospital. So I asked our nursing unit secretary to get someone to fix it. This was a one-man job, so I could not figure out why two guys showed up -- until I was handed the maintenance request form. It read "Head nurse is hot."

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PANTHERS (7.5) vs Broncos

Keith's right - the Panthers will be looking ahead to next week at Giants Stadium. Also, can we stop sucking Carolina's dicks over Monday night's blowout? Yes, it was an incredible performance, but it followed three straight weeks of total suckitude. Carolina was playing like shit before last week, so which is the aberration?

Pick: Broncos

Readers Digest Joke #12: One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son Brian noticed that his mother had gone out. In answer to his questions, I told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"
I've always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, Brian," I said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."
Brian nodded, indicating that he understood. Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"

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Chargers (5.5) vs CHIEFS

This is my fourth time writing this, but Chiefs QB Tyler Thigpen is actually pretty good, and he will at least keep this game close against the San Diego pussies. Heck, he may even win it outright if, as I suspect, the Chargers have quit on Norv Turner. Nice knowing ya Norvie boy!

Pick: Chiefs

Readers Digest Joke #13: On a billboard ad for a safe company: "If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault."

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CARDINALS (3.5) vs Vikings

I don't think any of the teams from the NFC North are good, but chalk this one up to the old standby, "The team that needs the game more will most likely play harder." The Vikes certainly NEED this game more than the Cardinals do. And Arizona is still too soft to deal with intense teams. I don't even care that Tavaris Jackson is starting at QB; Minnesota probably wins this by 10.

Pick: Vikings

Readers Digest Joke #14: Just ahead of me in line at the movie theater was a woman with a cell phone glued to her ear, arguing with the ticket vendor.
"That movie can't be sold out!" she shouted. "I'm talking to my boyfriend who's sitting in the theater, and he says there's two empty seats next to him. One ticket, please."
She got her ticket.

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Patriots (7.5) vs RAIDERS

Astute analysis from Keith regarding Mr. Cassell. He could go either way. But the way the game is going to go is that, with New England's season on the line, Bill Belichik will coach the pants off Tom Cable. And no one wants to see Tom Cable without pants.

Pick: Patriots

Readers Digest Joke #15: My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, "Take it, Max," as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon.
Recently, I was traveling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, "I think I'll let Tom drive for a while."
"Tom who?" I asked.
My mother translated for me: "Tom Cruise, of course."

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EAGLES (14.5) vs Browns

For the third week in a row I will quote Warren Sapp on Inside The NFL. This time it was his comment about Andy Reid and how "he can't be trusted to lead his football team if he can't even be trusted to raise his kids the right way." Unfuckingbelievable. And the Browns will cover.

BTW, if there's any show Keith should be stealing it's Inside The NFL. Sapp, Collinsworth and Simms are awesome, and the NFL Flims highlight packages are beyond words. The best part is the audio, with players and coaches fully miked up so you can hear what they're saying to each other on the line of scrimmage and on the sidelines. Simply put - you're not a real football fan if you don't watch this shit.

Pick: Browns

Readers Digest Joke #16: Turning 50 two years ago, I took a lot of good-natured ribbing from family and friends. So as my wife's 50th birthday approached, I decided to get in some needling of my own. I sat her down, looked deep into her eyes, then said I had never made love to anyone who was over 50 years old.
"Oh, well, I have," she deadpanned. "It's not that great."

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What a Sunday this is shaping up to be. Jets/Bills at 1pm, Steelers/Ravens at 4pm, and Giants/Cowboys at 8pm. And I will see none of it live because I have to go get a fucking Christmas tree and then go fucking Christmas shopping while I battle the fucking degenerate crowds of South Brooklyn. Fuck.

Thank god for the DVR, which might literally catch fire tomorrow from recording 12 straight hours of pigskin. But it'll all be worth it if the Giants beat the Cowboys. Getcha popcorn ready!

week 15 picks

2008-12-12T23:38:00.000-08:00

Hernandez is still surfing in an ocean of his own salt tears because he got a paper cut from the mailer card out of his latest issue of 'Readers Digest'. I'm pickin up the slack for the pre-op douchebag.

The mood in New York is a little weird right night now. We have Wall Street collapsing. There's a guy named Dick Fuld in the news every week or so. We have the Yankees paying $161 million for a pitcher, the richest pitcher contract in history, during this recession. We have the Mets paying $37 million for therapy, because the pitcher they got isn't going to make them believe in themselves. We've got a race for the Lesbian Hillary Clinton's Senate spot, just when we thought it was safe to forget about politics.

So it seems like *ages* ago that Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg and got the Giants worrying enough to make poop smores against the Eagles last weekend. Which is cool, because this week, the Giants are travelling to Dallas to do the Texas Testicle 2-step. If you read the headlines this week, Terrell Owens is convinced that his QB and Tight End are working against him, Thomas Newman thinks the coaches aren't taking ownership of their mistakes, and the Cowboys are falling apart.

I know that's not much detail. The fact is--it's ridiculous fun to watch a team you hate fall apart at the seams, especially three weeks before the playoffs. So let's start this pick week off with a Giants win.

Oh yeah, the Cowboys are favored by 3.5 points. I wish payday had been today, I'd bet my whole paycheck on the Giants.

COWBOYS (3.5) vs. Giants

Pick: Giants

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Hernandez lucked into a win on the Thursday game (saints covering against the bears). If you're a new york city cable victim, you don't get the NFL Network. But after a number of weekends and work weekdays searching for Liverpool soccer online, I was able to find the Bears/Saints game, and so I watched my first ever lo-fi football game. It was tremendous. I love that you can steal football games.

Just spitballing--I'm leaving the hard cold analysis to the sickness sack Hernandez. Yo bubble boy--here are the rest of my picks.

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Jets, 7.5 points over the Bills. touh

(Note: That's as far as I got last night on this post before I went to sleep. I couldn't let that cogent analysis slip. Now I just need to figure out how to pronounce 'touh'.)

Pick: Jets
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Jaguars vs. Packers (1.5)

Both of these teams are done. The Packers lost their last three home games to eliminate themselves, and Jaguars RB Fred Taylor announced recently this is the worst team he's ever been on. Good times, good times.

Now that the Packers have nothing to play for, I'm sure they'll start performing. Kinda like an ex-girlfriend after you leave her.

Pick: Packers
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Colts (16.5) vs. Lions

Wow. That spread is XXL. The Lions are shooting for a historical season--they could be the first team ever to finish with no wins. This would hopefully mean we'll never have to see them on Thanksgiving again.

They'll lose this one too, but I'm hoping it's only by 13 or 14 points.

Pick: Lions
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Bengals vs. Redskins (6.5)

Ever since the Bengals gave the Giants a scare early this year, I've thought they would make the occasional upset as the year went. Now that they're 1-11-1, I'm starting to think that was a hasty assumption.

Pick: Redskins
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Falcons vs. Buccaneers (2.5)

Two very good teams in a must-win game for Atlanta. Let's see what Matt Ryan has in the Department of Testicles in this, the biggest game of his life so far.

Pick: Falcons
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Dolphins (6.5) vs. 49ers

The 49ers have been playing fairly well under their new coach Mike Singletary, I've read. I just don't give two shits.

Pick: Dolphins
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Rams vs. Seahawks (3.5)

Ugh. Two 2-11 teams. Cousin Sal from the Kimmel show had the best line for this game - "This is a must-lose game for both teams."

Pick: Seahawks
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Texans vs. Titans (3.5)

Ok. The Titans are still one of the strongest teams in the AFC. But its starting to feel more apparent that the team coming out of the AFC for the Super Bowl is either in Pittsburgh or Baltimore. I think the Titans are going to lose another game or two this year, and this would be a pretty cool upset, even though I hate just about everything about the city of Houston and the state of Texas.

Pick: Texans
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Ravens (1.5) vs. Steelers

Wow. This game has the potential to be the greatest game of this year. The top two defenses in the league, a game apart in the standings, fighting for first place. If Baltimore wins both teams are 10-4, and I'm not sure how the tiebreaker works right now -- the rules are more complicated than the game of football itself. Also, this could very conceivably be a preview for the AFC Championship game which could very well be hosted in the city of the team that wins this game.

I, myself, detest Ben Roethlisberger with a passion. The Steelers' offensive line is definitely not what they used to be, so their running game has fallen off. Naturally in an offense set like that you'd want a QB who can get rid of the ball quickly, or who can at least scramble and give himself time. Roethlisberger does neither. He just sits there in the pocket until one of his receivers gets open, or he goes down. Also, he looks like a retarded Will Ferrell, who also looks like a retarded Will Ferrell.

I'll be rooting for about 25 sacks of the QB in this one.

Pick: Ravens
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Panthers (7.5) vs. Broncos

This spread is uncomfortably high, and the Panthers are no doubt looking ahead to next Sunday when they come to Giants stadium for my second ever NFL football game, also again with Hernandez. But with a slim one-game lead, this is still an important game for them. The Panthers also play very well at home. I have no idea what I'm talking about. Big cats beat horsies?

Pick: Panthers
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Chiefs vs. Chargers (5.5)

Enough with the San Diego Chargers. I keep checking their schedule in the hopes that rather than an NFL team they'll be facing a firing squad on an upcoming Sunday. San Diego sounds like a nice place, and I hope that after they blow a game against the terrible Chiefs, they get their pisschrist of a coach Norv Turner fired.

People disparaged Eli Manning and called him a prima donna for insisting he wouldn't play in San Diego after they drafted him earlier this decade. And looking at what's transpired there since, I can think of one word to characterize Eli after his controversial decision: RIGHT.

Pick: Chiefs
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Cardinals (5.5) vs. Vikings

The Cardinals have locked up the terrible NFC West, so they don't really need to fight for this one. But since Arizona playoff appearances happen about as often as comet sightings or good Coldplay concerts, I think they're going to play their butts off. The Vikings don't match up well, either. They're good up front, but they can't cover the Cardinals' receivers.

Pick: Cardinals
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Raiders vs. Patriots (7.5)

No one knows what will happen here. Pats QB Matt Cassell, already under the media magnifying glass all year lost his father this week, and only practiced with the team once. This is one of those situations where you can see the football players-as-warriors analogy: Cassell's teammates will play their asses off for him, and he'll play an amazing game in his father's memory. This is what happened when Brett Favre lost his father, he played arguably the best game of his 72-year career.

On the other hand, it could be a day where he doesn't feel like being at work because he has much more important things on his mind.

I believe in him. I also believe that the Raiders are hellbound shit scallops wrapped in shit bacon.

Pick: Patriots
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Eagles (14.5) vs. Browns

Poor Browns. 3rd string QB against one of the hottest teams in the NFL.

Pick: Eagles

Thursday night NFL Suck Suck

2008-12-11T20:41:00.000-08:00

Hernandez is nursing a raw nipple, so he wanted to tell you that he picked the New Orleans Saints to cover the 3.5 point spread. I picked the Bears.

Because you can't watch the NFL Network in New York unless you have a satellite dish in your thong, I found the game online. It took awhile, but I watched the Bears go up 21-7. I felt good.

In addition to the burger bet with Hernandez, I participate in a couple of pools. In my work pool, there are only 15-16 people playing each week. But I've never won it. In fact, the guy who runs the pool left but still comes by to collect cash. This week, when he came for the money he told me he was rooting for me b/c out of the 15-16 people in the pool, I was one of two who had yet to win. Was he behind me? Was he mocking me? I'll never know.

So my karma is in a shitburger chicken, because the Saints figured out a way to take the lead, force the game to overtime, and lose by a 3-pronged-Satan chicken-gutting point margin. So the Bears won, but Hernandez wins the pick, and I am not happy.

Speaking of Hernandez, he promises me that he will stop blowing spit bubbles and wearing diapers and will spit out a post in the next few days.

KROD

2008-12-09T20:04:00.000-08:00

Nope, not a radio station. The Mets did themselves a doody by spending $37 million on the bespectacled closer from the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. (The fucking stupidity of calling a team that deserves a whole 'nother post. It's like calling yourself a New Yorker when you live in Staten Island. Snap!)

No position is more overrated in baseball than the elite closer. Teams constantly pay $1-$5 million to pitchers who will start 35 games during the course of the year who they hope will pitch 6 innings every time they go out there. But they'll spend almost $13 million a year on a guy who comes on to get three outs with a lead in the ninth inning. Any pitcher worth his salt should be able to get 3 guys out more often than not.

In fairness, one of the reasons the Mets missed the playoffs this year was because their bullpen was Switzerland Cheese, but the main reason why is that they paid $42 million to closer Billy Wagner three years ago. At that point Billy Wagner was in the same echelon that K-Rod is now.

But any pitcher has a bad day. Hernandez and I were at a Mets/Cards game a couple years ago when Wagner lost the game. And more importantly, in the crucial 2006 NLCS between the Mets & Cardinals, Wagner lost Game 2 by giving up a 3-run homer to So Taguchi, the Cardinals' weakest hitter in that playoff. If the Mets win that game, they go up 2-0 and probably head to the World Series. So why pay so much for a relief pitcher?

I'm sure it wounds Hernandez to hear this, but the Cardinals' closer in that series was an unproven but extremely talented Adam Wainwright, who got the out that really counted -- the last out in that series, on one of the most amazing curveballs ever thrown in postseason history. Wainwright is now one of the top two starting pitchers on my Cardinals, and he's going to make $2.6 million next year. Comparing that to the K-Rod contract, well, that leaves over $10 million for strippers & candy.

There are a couple guys who play baseball who excel at this position, and it just so happens that Yankees closer Mariano Rivera does it better than anyone else. In fact, he may be the best closer in the history of the game. So I chalk this move up to the Mets' ongoing insecurity in New York.

The Mets are the Jan Brady of baseball.

Keith's week 14 picks plus site news

2008-12-05T18:57:00.001-08:00

So let's start with the site news: "I'm Keith Hernandez" is going to roll out a fresh-looking new site beginning next week. We'll have 100 posts under our belt by the end of the year, and with the new look we're going to attract bee-like traffic, generate some sick advertising revenue, make industry contacts, quit our day jobs and head out west, get high-profile jobs punching up Hannah Montana scripts with dick jokes, hit rock bottom, and later sell your nieces and nephews used cars and handjobs.

Also, we're at that point in the season where football fan Sundays are shuttered, curtained TV extravaganzas, where football fans get glassy-eyed and jaw-locked. We stop trying at our jobs, stop talking, stop bathing and stop making sense. Let us be.

So let's get onto the Week 14 picks, shall we?

GIANTS (-8.5) vs. Eagles

I'm sure even casual sports fans have heard the name 'Plaxico' too many times this week. I'm not worried about the Giants without Plax. The drama with him has become embarrassing for an otherwise unprecedented Super Bowl follow-up season. But what's worse is that when Plax is playing, Eli Manning feels compelled to throw to him even when he's in double coverage. I'm guessing that in the locker room before games, Plaxico corners Eli and threatens to cut him if he doesn't get 10 throws. With Burress off the field, Eli is safe to untuck his manhood from in between his thighs, and plays better.

No, my main concern is that the token black guy on SNL isn't good enough to play Plax in their next performance. I wonder if Armisen taunts him everytime there's a new Obama sketch, maybe throwing in a little beat-box.

My main concern is that Antonio Pierce, the nexus of this Giants defense, is implicated in this whole mess as well. I don't know what the latest news reports are because I did a couple shots when I heard OJ got 15 (!!), but he's potentially liable for an obstruction of justice charge and a suspension. It's a sick situation because you knew the team couldn't WAIT to suspend Plax for being a big baby, but they can't afford to lose Pierce.

The Eagles have a great opportunity for catching a great team on a bad week with all the distractions, but the fact remains, the Eagles are from Philadelphia. The Phillies sucked 100 years of sports karma out of Philadelphia when they won the World Series. Somebody on the Giants defense is going to make Donovan McNabb his personal bitch.

PICK: GIANTS

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Jets (4.5) vs. 49ERS

Brett Fuckvre. Just wanted to see how that looked on the page.

The real key to the Jets success is their incredible defensive line. But today...the Jets took some media pressure off the Giants when DE Shaun Ellis got picked up with marijuana in Jersey. Oh, and he was speeding.

The fact that most people forget about football is that this is a debilitating, debilitating sport. There is a huge trail of ex-athletes who's bodies completely break down. So what is the big fkn deal if Shaun Ellis and Ricky Williams mix medicine with pleasure?

Anyway, the 49ers are a mediocre team this Jets team was designed to crush.

PICK: JETS

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COLTS (13.5) vs. Bengals

The Colts are scary. They've fallen off a cliff in quality this year, but Peyton Manning is this strange Robocop magician who can somehow lead this team to ugly victory after ugly victory. They could make it well into the playoffs. Or maybe I've been brainwashed by ESPN.

Still, a 1-10-1 Bengals team can come within two touchdowns.

PICK: BENGALS

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BEARS (3.5) vs. Jaguars

For non-football fans, the head coaches in this matchup are Lovie Smith and Jack Del Rio. You don't get more horny than that.

PICK: BEARS

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PACKERS (5.5) vs. Texans

If Green Bay doesn't destroy the Houston Texans on Sunday, they'll be 5-8. And at that point, maybe I'll get to stop hearing about what a great team they are.

PICK: PACKERS

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TITANS (13.5) vs. Browns

I only pick this game because I want that free burger from Hernandez, but let's face it: This country is 25% better if the cities of Houston and Cleveland didn't exist.

PICK: TITANS
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Vikings (9.5) vs. LIONS

The Detroit Lions are 0-12. No NFL team has ever gone 0-16. In 1976, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers went 0-14, and the schedule was expanded shortly thereafter. It would be a historic moment.

And who doesn't like to live through a historic moment?

PICK: VIKINGS
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Patriots (5.5) vs. SEAHAWKS

Don't care.

PICK: PATRIOTS
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SAINTS (3.5) vs. Falcons

The Saints had three players suspended this week for steroid use. The Saints are 6-6, have the best quarterback in the league (w/ Tom Brady injured), and are going to finish in last place. Somebody really hates New Orleans.

What's truly amazing is that Falcons rookie QB Matt Ryan has turned around a losing team in the toughest division in football, and could make the playoffs. I'm rooting like hell for this team.

PICK: FALCONS
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BILLS (1.5) vs. Dolphins

The NFL is so embarrassed by the 'city' of Buffalo that they're playing this one in Canada. Both Hernandez and I were high on this team early in the year, but they're starting to look like the 12 year-old kid sneaking into the basement to wash his newly bedwetted sheets.

PICK: DOLPHINS
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BRONCOS (8.5) vs. Chiefs

Don't care. Flipping a coin.

PICK: CHIEFS
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CARDINALS (12.5) vs. Rams

The only reason the Cardinals are in Arizona and the Rams are in St . Louis is because of Arizona owner Bill Bidwell, who moved the team to their retirement home the year after my family moved back to St. Louis. He's George Steinbrenner minus charisma and success.

But the Rams are a strip mall of a franchise. Soon after they came to St. Louis they won a Super Bowl, but it wasn't a very likeable team after that year. And I wish they'd leave.

So as usual, I'm rooting for injuries. But I'd like to see the Cardinals dismantle the Rams. 25 years after their move west, I think they're still closest to a St. Louis NFL franchise.

PICK: CARDINALS
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STEELERS (3.5) vs. Cowboys

This is a game for the ages. After the Lakers & Celtics, Steelers/Cowboys is easily the most enormous cross-league rivalry in professional sports. It's oil vs. steel.

I hate the Cowboys with a passion. They self-anointed themselves 'America's team' many years ago, and are loaded with a talented, egotistical underpeforming roster, while the Steelers play the ugliest football known to man.

I'm rooting against the Cowboys, but the fact is that the NFL season gets much more exciting if the Cowboys can go into Pittsburgh and win this game. That's the best thing about the NFL -- you learn week-to-week what teams are capable of when they're in must-win situations. The Cowboys really need this game, and the Steelers don't. I'm expecting an epic game.

PICK: COWBOYS
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RAVENS (5.5) vs. Redskins

'The Wire' vs. 'The West Wing'. This game was moved to Sunday Night Football in the hopes that this would be a well-fought contest, but I have news for the Redskins: you're done. Right now Baltimore is my AFC pick for the Super Bowl. Hernandez and I saw the Giants take them down a few weeks ago, but they were in the game almost the whole way, and they're getting better week-to-week.

PICK: RAVENS
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PANTHERS (3.5) vs. Buccaneers

Because ESPN pays little lip service to the South, we're missing out on coverage of the most talented division in all of football. Both of these teams are 9-3, and the winner of this game is the 2nd best team in the NFC behind the Giants. Let's go with the Bucs.

PICK: BUCCANEERS
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Odds, Sods, and a Pick

2008-12-03T18:56:00.000-08:00

There's so much shit going down in sports, so here's the part where I do a lame wrapup instead of buckling down and writing a focused post on one topic. This might wind up all over the map, making it hard to respond to, but it's fun to write and hopefully fun to read, so bite me.

First off, Keith finished last week with a 5-11 record in the ongoing NFL picks battle. I, on the other hand, went 10-6. Woo-hoo! That means I'm finally back in the lead for the season, 92-84 to his 89-87. I fully expect this to change over the next few weeks. I torched my main man last week, but he could kill me this week, so who the fuck knows anything? All I know is we're both over .500 for the year, and that's really all that matters. That, and that fact that my Donovan's bacon cheeseburger with fried onions, medium rare, is going to taste even sweeter since I won't be paying for it.

Since we're talking picks, here's my Thursday Night Special. It's like a Saturday Night Special, only instead of it being a cheap firearm used by street punks to hold people up for money, it's a football game played by street punks that Vegas is using to hold people up for money, at least if you go by the spread in this one. Which is...

CHARGERS (9.5) vs. Raiders

WHAT?!! The Chargers are favored by 9.5? The 4-8 Chargers? The ones coached by Norv Turner?! This can't be right, can it? Oakland is only a game behind San Diego, and unlike those pussies from the Whale's Vagina, they don't actually have any talent on their roster. (Except for that kooky African DB whose name I can't pronounce and who I've never seen make a play because no one throws at him. He's been getting a ton of pub this season, and I really can't tell if it's warranted or not. My guess is it's not.) The Raiders flat out suck, but the Chargers have been inexcusable this season. I hope whining LaDanian Tomlinson breaks both his legs and an arm just for stealing his nickname from LT. I've been over this before.

Pick: Raiders

I'll have the rest sometime before 1pm Sunday.

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So what else is going on in football this week? Not much except that whole Plaxico Burress thing. I don't know what to add except that I'm not surprised it's come to this. We all knew Plax was a dick when we signed him, and now those chickens have come home to roost. I could go on and on about how he's soiled the Giants image and brought embarrassment to the league, and it would all be true, but here's what really matters: they got a Super Bowl championship out of him. The Giants made a deal with the devil and they won. Hey, sometimes you're Jimmy Page, and sometimes you're Steve Vai.

BTW, Jerry Reese once again proved his genius by barely offering any guaranteed money in that huge contract Plax signed on opening day, so now when the Giants cut him in the offseason he won't kill their cap. That's some black on black crime I can get used to.

Speaking of miscreants, howzabout that Starbury fellow? Mark this down: I don't care what Mike D'Antoni does in his Knicks career, and I don't care how badly it ends for him - he will ALWAYS be in my good graces for refusing to allow Marbury to ever wear a Knicks uniform again. Always. I've never hated an athlete more than I hate that fucker, and it was killing me that he was on my team. Thankfully D'Antoni realized the same thing and put his neck on the line by benching him.

And don't believe that bullshit story about D'Antoni offering Steph a chance to play after the Crawford and Randolph trades. That was a smart play by coach because he knew Marbury would turn the offer down and they'd have even more ammo to justify getting rid of his ass. I've gotta say, D'Antoni doesn't look or sound Italian, but with that shrewd mob move, he proved he's a true paisan.

The story of Marbury is even more sad when you think about the fact that he's actually from NYC, a born and bred Knicks fan from the Coney Island projects. I can see fucking over the Nets and the Timberwolves and the Suns because of your pathological selfishness - nobody cares about those goobers - but how do you do your own boys like that Steph? The Garden WANTED to love you, but you just couldn't help yourself. Your lasting legacy in New York will be hitting up Knicks intern Kathleen Decker (pictured below) with the immortal pickup line, "Get in the truck." And she DID! Sluts are awesome.

(Someone in my wife's family who went to high school with Marbury says he was always big on getting blowjobs from chubby white chicks. So I guess he and I aren't as different as I thought. See how I just found that common ground, even with a man I professed to hate? I'm fantastic.)

On the NBA fantasy tip, I'm glad to see Keith take some control over the team this week. Jeez, did I have to do EVERYTHING? It wasn't enough that I drafted a whole bunch of Knicks; I also had to get LeBron James. And Tim Duncan. And Derrick Rose and Kevin Durant. And those Knicks are doing well too, despite Keith's objections. Wait, why does Beef Wennington suck so bad again? It doesn't make any sense. I thought we'd be awesome without even having to make an effort (which I haven't made.) There's probably a reason we're doing so poorly, but fucked if I've had time to figure out what it is. But anyway, excellent trades and pickups by Keith. I think.

What else... I've picked the wrong year to stop following the Premiership as closely as I used to. Keith and I just started this blog, so I know it's probably killing him to not be talking more English soccer. But please, go right ahead Keith. I enjoy it, and not following the league doesn't mean I can't make absolutely definitive arguments about it.

Either way, it kills me just as much to not talk hockey, which is my favorite sport along with football. But indulge me for just a second. Have you heard about this latest Sean Avery thing? He's been suspended indefinitely by the league for telling a television interviewer in Calgary, "It's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds." He was taking a dig at Calgary defenseman Dion Phaneuf, who is now dating Avery's ex - and total piece of ass - Elisha Cuthbert. Avery has also been with SI swimsuit model Rachel Hunter, who is now with a member of the LA Kings. (That's a hockey team. I don't blame you for not knowing that.)

I don't really have much to add except THIS is why I wish Avery were still a Ranger. Also, it's completely fucking ridiculous for anyone to get suspended for saying something like this. Isn't that a violation of Avery's free speech? If I were him I'd fight it all the way to the Canadian equivalent of the Supreme Court, if those socialist bastards actually had a court system. (Do they? I don't know anything about Canada except they love hockey and beer, and you can get really good pot in Vancouver. Am I missing anything?)

Anyway, the whole point of this rant is I needed an excuse to say, "Come back Sean Avery. We miss you," and to show a photo of slutty hockey groupie Elisha Cuthbert.

Just to bring it all back full circle, I loved Keith's last post about the Jets. He hasn't lived in NYC long enough to know the heartache that team can cause, but he seems to be catching on. The bad karma knows no bounds.

The link to the Fake Spike game was a great idea too, if the link had actually worked. No matter - I remember watching that game live and loving every minute of it. Marino's a prick, but how can you not love that? Pure genius. The only downside to that play is that it's since led to 15 years of guys faking the Fake Spike, and no one ever having the balls to actually do the full Fake Spike by throwing the damn ball. C'mon, almost half the league is playing out the string right now - can't someone throw caution to the wind and try to pull this thing off? I promise we won't think you're unoriginal if it works.

Backtracking just a second to the bad link thing, I remember now that the George Brett YouTube link from a few weeks back didn't work either. What the hell happened in that video? I bet if we made improvements to this site we could include a whole bunch of media to make these posts better. Someone should get on that, stat.

J-E-T-S DIE DIE DIE

2008-12-01T15:24:00.000-08:00

"I'm thankful I'm not a Jets fan, because then I'd have to kill myself." - Hernandez

Fuck the fucking Jets in their ears in the car park of their fathers' houses. After they dismantled the undefeated Tennessee Titans on the road last week, media and fans were falling over themselves anointing them the best team in the AFC, and predicting a Subway Super Bowl with the Giants which makes no sense BECAUSE THEY PLAY IN THE SAME STADIUM IN NEW JERSEY.

Well, the Jets once again shit in their fans' beds by losing to a Broncos team who has. No. Defense. Whatsoever. What's worse is after watching another impressive Giants victory, I knew halfway through the first quarter of the Jets game that they weren't going to win.

The Jets actually possess the second best defense in the league against the run, and have a weak secondary. Even the announcers knew the Broncos would throw the ball 40-50 times during the game. Which Jay Cutler did, to the tune of 357 yards. The Jets can't stop the pass even when they know it's coming.

Oh yeah, they also gave up 122 yards rushing to some Denver running back I've never heard of.

Of course I'm bitter because I thought they could beat a worse Broncos team. Well, they didn't come close. After the Patriots embarrassing loss to the Steelers, they're still a favorite to make the playoffs, but in these trying economic times, I plan to bet my entire fortune against them.

To add insult to injury, on the Sunday night telecast of the Bears/Vikings game, Al Michaels and John Madden were discussing how good the Vikings would be if Brett Favre had gone to that team instead. This was *after* the loss. I kicked my cat a good 15-16 feet. (Note to cats: if you don't want to get kicked, you have to stop making hilarious noises when you do.)

Because NY is required to show a Jets game each Sunday and because Time Warner Cable doesn't offer the NFL package, I'm seriously considering leaving New York because of the Jets.

And to make me feel better, check out this video of one of the most embarrassing days in Jets history -- the Fake Spike game.

http://gofins0769.multiply.com/video/item/3/Dan_Marino_Fake_Spike_vs._Jets

OK - feeling a little better. Some fantasy basketball news, and really this is just for Hernandez. Why email him? I assume he reads his own site.

Now that Beef Wennington is nearly a cellar dweller, I've finally made a couple player changes, and you'll be surprised to hear that all the Knicks are still on the team. They've actually been doing quite well. No, Kyle Korver is a dud, and I brought in Steve Blake. I also dropped Tyrus Thomas for some dude named CJ from Utah. Check his stats for the last 10 games. I held onto Maxiell and Randolph bc we don't have many centers. Also Josh Smith should be back in the ;ineup on Wednesday.

Thanks for getting me into this, you pud.

Hernandez Thanksgiving Picks Pt. 2

2008-11-29T20:44:00.000-08:00

I went 2-1 on Thanksgiving, while Keith went 0-0. What's up with that? He didn't even HAVE a Thanksgiving, as far as I know, so make the damn picks! Did the awful triumvirate of games Thursday finally kill him once and for all? I can't say I'd be shocked - thems were some stinking shitpiles. Hopefully tomorrow makes up for it.

Giants (3.5) at Redskins

I'm thankful for Jerry Reese, and Ernie Accorsi before him, for putting this powerhouse together. I'm also thankful Plaxico Burress didn't accidentally kill himself at that club, because having to pretend that he was a good guy and we miss him would've been a real stretch.

Pick: Giants

Underrated Giant of the Week: Linebacker Danny Clark. Doesn't make big plays, but he's reliable and makes a lot more tackles than you realize. A nice, nondescript fit in this defense, and I mean that in the best way. But about that name, Danny! It took me until Week 5 before I realized you weren't white. Let's black it up a little, ok?

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Dolphins (7.5) at Rams

I'm thankful the Dolphins get to play the Rams this week because I really, REALLY don't want the Jets to run away with the AFC East.

I'm also thankful the Rams suck because, well, they're a St. Louis team, and everything about St. Louis sucks. Sorry Keith!

Pick: Dolphins

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Ravens (7) at Bengals

I'm thankful I'm not from Maryland or Ohio.

Pick: Ravens

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49ers at Bills (7)

I'm doubly thankful I'm not from Buffalo. Holy cock pizza!

Pick: 49ers

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Saints at Bucs (3.5)

I'm thankful Jeremy Shockey is now poisoning the Saints instead of the Giants.

I'm also incredibly thankful I'm not not from Tampa Bay. I have family there, and I vow to never visit them again. Twice was way more than enough. The only caveat is if the Giants make it to the Super Bowl in Tampa this year, then I'll make amends and pretend we're closer than close so I can stay with them for free when I go there to cover the game.

(Interesting factoid: The Giants have appeared in the last two Super Bowls held in Tampa, a win against the Bills in 1990 and a loss against the Ravens in 2000. Be afraid, NFL.)

Pick: Bucs

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Colts (4.5) at Browns

I'm thankful for Peyton Manning, because as annoying as he can be - and he's REALLY fucking annoying sometimes - great quarterbacks are rare, and the league needs more players like him.

Pick: Colts

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Panthers at Packers (3)

I'm thankful to be going to that Giants/Panthers game in a few weeks, because what looked like a name drawn out of a hat when I bought the tickets before the season started is now looking like a pretty huge game. Score one for me.

Pick: Panthers

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Falcons at Chargers (5.5)

I'm thankful people keep underrating the Falcons and overrating the Chargers, because it makes picks like this so easy.

Pick: Falcons

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Broncos at Jets (8)

I'm thankful I'm not a Jets fan, because then I'd have to kill myself.

Pick: Broncos

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Steelers at Pats (1)

I'm thankful I'm not a Pittsburgh fan because I don't have to fool myself into thinking my team is a contender, even though I know our offensive line can't protect the QB, Ben is throwing the ball to the other jerseys at an alarming rate, and Fast Willie Parker, despite the cool nickname, actually sucks.

Pick: Pats

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Chiefs at Raiders (3)

I'm thankful I don't have to watch this game.

Pick: Chiefs

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Bears at Vikings (3)

I'm thankful I'm not Adrian Peterson, because that means I don't have to worry about being pounded into submission every week because my opponents know our passing game blows and the only way we can win is if I run for 150+ yards.

Pick: Vikings

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Jags at Texans (3.5)

I'm thankful I don't bet money on the NFL, because games like this would make me go broke.

Pick: Jags

Hernandez Thanksgiving Picks

2008-11-27T08:48:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving is the greatest holiday. There's no pressure to buy presents like there is at Christmas, and all you're required to do is eat and drink to excess and watch football. The misogynist history of this great country is well evidenced by the Thanksgiving tradition. I fucking love it.

Well, I actually love it a little less now because my crazy, foreign-born family doesn't believe in watching football OR drinking. That means I either have to fight the kiddies to put the games on myself, or watch them later on DVR, as I intend to do tonight. I'll do it because I'm a real fan, but I'm not excited about these matchups. The only potential must-see is Philly/Arizona, but that's an NFL Network exclusive. Some fucking thanks that is. All I can hope for is that the two afternoon games are unexpectedly close. I don't have high hopes.

Titans (11) vs LIONS

Completely unoriginal thought of the day: Having to watch the Lions every year on Thanksgiving is a travesty. I'm all for tradition, but this is brutal. They shouldn't be allowed back on national TV until they have a winning record. It's been a long time since they were any good, and even then they weren't true contenders. The only reason to watch was Barry Sanders, who was spectacular. I miss that guy.

I do have one great memory of a Thanksgiving Day game in Detroit in 1982 when Lawrence Taylor intercepted a pass and returned it 97 yards for the winning TD. It was one of LT's signature moments and I remember my whole family whooping it up when it happened. CBS will probably show that replay sometime during today's broadcast. If they don't they're pussies.

Pick: Titans

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Seahawks vs COWBOYS (12.5)

Seattle is truly terrible, and I hate the Cowboys more than almost anything else in the world. This game is going to suck because Dallas is going to win by three scores and the announcers are going to cream themselves over Tony Homo and how "he's back!" I dread this.

Pick: Cowboys

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Cardinals vs EAGLES (3)

It seems the media has finally caught on that Andy Reid is a bad coach and Donovan McNabb is an inconsistent choker. I'm proud to say that Keith and I have been on that for a long time. Either or both of them have to go after this season because they're run their course in Philly. The Eagles window of opportunity to win a championship with this group shut when McNabb puked in the Super Bowl, but management has been too stubborn or stupid to admit it. It's time to cut bait.

Also, tell me again why the Eagles are favored in this game? They were also favored against the Giants and Ravens the last two weeks and they got stomped in both games. This line is absurd. Arizona is a good team, and Warner is going to throw for 400 yards tonight in an outright win.

Pick: Cardinals

I'll have the rest of my weekend picks sometime before Sunday. Happy Thanksgiving!

Hernandez's Giants Themed Week 12 Picks, And A Request

2008-11-22T18:30:00.000-08:00

Keith couldn't have been more right about last week's IKH outing at Giants Stadium. It was incredible. More on that in a minute. But first, I'd like to address the issue of the weekly NFL picks. Keith's correct that the Thursday night games have made it harder on both of us, and he even suggested privately that we stop doing the picks. To that I say "Hell to tha no!" There ain't no quitters here. We've come this far, and I like doing them, even when it's a pain in the ass finding time to post, so I'm going to keep at it.

The key here is to play on my partners hyper-competitiveness. We don't have any stakes in these picks, and when he brought it up during our tailgate I was so fucked up that I blew him off completely. Sorry mate. But having meaningful stakes might help, so I'm asking you - the readers - to come up with something to play for. I'm dead serious about this. Just put it in the comments, even anonymously. Fuck, I don't care if Keith himself posts something. He should be feeling good about this anyway seeing as how he's leading the season series 84-75 to my 82-78. (Yes, I realize this doesn't add up. Keith forgot to make a pick for Minnesota/Tampa last week. Send it in and I'll update the stats. He did, and now his record is 84-76.) Anyway, I hope you guys don't let me down. On to the picks...

STEELERS (10.5) vs Bengals

I saw the Giants beat the Bengals in overtime in Week 3. Technically it was a better game than Giants/Ravens, but last week was a much, MUCH better experience. For one, I was with Keith. For two, the Ravens are a better opponent than the Bengals, so it was more meaningful to kick their ass. For three, I was fuuuuucked up. I thought I had a perfect buzz until the guy next to us asked me where Brandon Jacobs went to college. All I remember telling him was, "Nvaidnd984etj;jkfaiua\sdslfda9." It may have even been less coherent than that. But it didn't ruin the experience. It actually made it more interesting.

Pick: Steelers

And I made it before the Thursday night game.

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Giants (3.5) vs CARDINALS

The name of the sandwich place is Cangiano's, and their main location is on Staten Island, so you know their food rules. It's the kind of place where when two local women in traditional Arab headdress walk in, the guy behind the counter slicing your meat might say, "Here comes fuckin' Al Qaeda again." True story.

Pick: Giants

Like you'd ever guess otherwise?

Underrated Giant of the Week: Kareem McKenzie. The Giants amazing offensive line is finally getting the credit it has long deserved. But a disturbing pattern has emerged. It seems the four white offensive linemen are getting the credit, while the only brother on the line is mysteriously left out whenever the accolades are thrown around. Shit, he had to get a DUI last week to even get noticed, and he STILL wasn't benched or reprimanded. I guess when you're a black man playing a white man's position, you still get the shaft. Dang.

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TITANS (5.5) vs Jets

I didn't actually have a Ron Dayne jersey story. The entire story is that Keith asked me what's the funniest jersey I've ever seen at a Giants game, and I responded "Ron Dayne." Like I said, we were both hitting the sauce pretty hard.

Pick: Titans

I vowed to pick against the Titans until they lose, but I hate the Jets so much that I won't ever pick them. Also, the Jets were the Titans before Tennessee, so I'm technically still picking against "The Titans" this week. Did I just blow your mind? You're welcome.

I think the Jets should wear their throwback NY Titans jerseys again this week just to fuck with everyone. If Dick Enberg calls the game he might have an embolism. What's that you say - he already did years ago? Well alright then.

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BROWNS (3.5) vs Texans

The first Giants game I ever went to was in 1985. Father Sheehan, the pastor of my family's parish, was a longtime Giants season ticket holder who used to make the congregation pray for the Giants at the end of every mass. This is also a true story. He got enough complaints from Jets fans that he started including them in the prayer too, but you could tell his heart wasn't in it. Anyway, one day at the end of mass he said from the pulpit, "I have an unexpected emergency and I won't be able to use my Giants tickets today. The first person to ask for them after mass can have them." Needless to say, my father knocked down a couple of old ladies on the way to taking his boys to their first Giants game. Love ya pop. Anyway, the Giants lost to Cleveland on a last second FG, but it was a great game, and I got to see LT, Harry Carson, Carl Banks, Simms, Bavaro, Joe Morris and the rest. Wish I still had the ticket stub.

Pick: Browns

Brady Quinn is gayer than I even imagined. He's also a better QB than I thought.

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Bills (3.5) vs CHIEFS

I saw a reference to Y.A. Tittle somewhere this week, and it reminded me that he was an honorary Giants captain for the coin toss on Sunday. I don't remember actually seeing him with my own eyes, but I'm pretty sure they announced it on the PA. Or did I imagine that? If I did I don't want to know.

Pick: Chiefs

Phenomenal choke job by Buffalo on MNF. All I can add is, Scott Norwood! Wide right!!! (I LOVE the fact that the Wide Right game happened in the Super Bowl against my Giants; to this day the second greatest football game I've ever seen, behind only last year's Super Bowl against New England.) Lighten up Bills fans, it's not like your team is moving to Toronto in a few years. Oh, wait.

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DOLPHINS (2.5) vs Patriots

Being a smoker added a whole other level of fun to last week's game, because it gave us a chance to hang out on the entrance/exit ramps and interact with our fellow fans. And boy was that worth it! I actually placed a phone call for some guy named, I believe, Shannon Duffy, and even had a brief conversation with his friend. I've never felt more like white trash, and I loved it.

Pick: Dolphins

The guess here is that the Pats will stay out too late in South Beach doing blow and fucking models. At least I HOPE that's what they're doing down there. I'm sure Brady can hook them up with some skeezers. And a trannie for Cassel.

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COWBOYS (11.5) vs 49ers

The walk through the tunnel from the parking garage to the stadium was amazing. The atmosphere of anticipation is unreal. It's a pretty decent walk, and when we could finally see the light and the stadium at the end of the tunnel, Keith said something like, "That's the greatest sight I've ever seen." I was pretty fired up by that.

Pick: Cowboys

Charles Haley was a star defensive end for both the Cowboys and the 49ers. Even if that means nothing to you, PLEASE follow this link, and this one, especially if you're one of those nancy boys who doesn't like sports but reads this site for the dick jokes.

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Buccaneers (8.5) vs LIONS

Mad props to Keith for DJing on the ride home after the game. A great selection of tunes, including the appropriately-themed "Wished I Was A Giant," as well as his incredible cover of Olivia Newton-John's "Magic." I need that one on my iPod.

Pick: Buccaneers

I wasn't so sure a few weeks ago, but now I'm starting to think the Lions can actually go winless this season. I've got nothing against Detroit, but that'd be so awesome.

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RAVENS (1.5) vs Eagles

I've only been to one Giants game on the road, and it was at the old Vet before they tore it down. THAT was an experience! Last game of the season, 4:00 start in Philly with a gametime temperature of about 12 degrees. It was the coldest I've ever been, and the Giants lost a heartbreaker in the last minute of a back-and-forth game that kept them out of the playoffs, but I wouldn't have traded it for the world.

Pick: Eagles

I was going to post this even before Simmons put it in his column this week, so fuck him. On Inside the NFL this week Warren Sapp said Donovan McNabb's legacy will be, "Throwing up in the Super Bowl, Rush Limbaugh, and not knowing there wasn't a second OT period." Hysterical.

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Bears (8.5) vs RAMS

The guy sitting behind us that Keith mentioned in his post definitely was intelligent and entertaining. If only I could remember a single thing he said. Sensing a theme here?

Pick: Bears

Might be too much of a spread, but St. Louis has given up.

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JAGUARS (2.5) Vikings

Before the game Keith brought up the infamous incident where current Vikings and then Redskins QB Gus Frerotte gave himself a concussion when he slammed his head into the endzone wall after scoring a touchdown. I mentioned that the little known story of that 1997 game between the Giants and Redskins is that it ended in a 7-7 tie. Funnily enough, on Sunday the Eagles and Bengals ended in a tie as well. Weird. The 1997 game is still the only tie I can remember seeing in my lifetime. I watched it with a guy who was the original drummer in my band before Keith replaced him. There are a lot of reasons why he's not my friend anymore, and watching that tie game together is one of them.

Pick: Vikings

Jacksonville's given up too.

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FALCONS (1.5) vs Panthers

I'm proud to say I went to Eli Manning's first NFL start ever. I'm not so proud to say he was beaten by the Falcons' Michael Vick, who I honestly don't remember completing a pass that day. But he sure ran well. And now he's being ass raped. Good, he deserves it.

Pick: Panthers

I'm rooting for the Falcons, but they're still a year away.

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BRONCOS (9.5) vs Raiders

There was a little girl about 8-years-old sitting right in front of Keith and I, and I swear I tried to cut down on the cursing! Didn't happen. But the dad also didn't say anything, so we're straight.

Pick: Broncos

Great rivalry, but I hate both teams.

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Redskins (3.5) vs SEAHAWKS

I'm still trying to get Keith into the Giants/Panthers game on December 21st so we can do it all over again. I hope to hell we can make that happen.

Pick: Redskins

How much must it suck for NFL players to have to fly all that way to Seattle just to beat a shitty team? The travel is bad enough, then you have to deal with the ridiculous fake crowd noise that Mickey Mouse franchise pumps into its stadium to make it seem like their fair weather fans give a shit. Can't good opponents just phone it in and save themselves the trip?

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CHARGERS (3.5) vs Colts

Keith mentioned how friendly and unified Giants fans are. Sure, a Super Bowl and a 9-1 record will do that to you. But if you had been there for the lean times you'd be singing a much different tune. I was actually at the infamous snowball game where a Chargers assistant coach was knocked unconscious by a snowball thrown by a fan. The accounts in the link above are dead on: it was a madhouse. Truly chaotic. Some douche photographed throwing a snowball on the cover of the Daily News the next day was fired from his job, and the season ticket holder who sold him his seat for the game was stripped of his tickets. Served him right.

Pick: Colts

More Simmons: To his credit, this week he lays out the case for Peyton Manning as the MVP of the league. He makes a very valid argument. And this is why I will defend him to the death. Unless he goes another week without a podcast. Then it's war.

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SAINTS (2.5) vs Packers

I was also at the New Orleans "home" game at Giants Stadium the week after Hurricane Katrina. Surreal seeing the Saints logo painted in both endzones, and that was a very rowdy crowd too. The tickets only went on sale a week before the game, and the theory is none of the Giants regulars purchased tickets, so most of the crowd was at their first game or just there to party on a Monday night. The number of fights was in the double digits, my dad had a beer dumped on him from the upper deck, and my brother was cursed out by a family from New Orleans after he told them he was pulling for their city to recover. Just a horrible vibe.

Pick: Packers

This game probably looked better when they drew up the schedule.

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Jets/Titans, Giants/Cardinals, Dolphins/Patriots, Chargers/Colts - Happy Football everyone!

Keith's week 12 picks

2008-11-20T15:51:00.000-08:00

George Brett of the Kansas City Royals is a fantastic athlete. He almost hit .400 in 1980, something that hasn't been done since Ted Williams did it in 1941. He led the Royals to 2 World Series, stealing one of them from my beloved Cardinals. He was a good-lookin stud, too. My mother sat back-to-back with him at a BBQ restaurant in Kansas City and was clearly smitten.

I was a big fan of his because of his perfect swing, his chase for .400, and the fact that my grandparents lived in Kansas City. I didn't realize you only got one team when I was 8, so I rooted for the A's, the Giants, and the Royals because my grandparents lived there, and St. Louis because I was born there. This was before 1982 when I became a Cardinals fan for life.

Well now that I've seen the below video, he is truly locked in the pantheon as one of my favorite athletes of all time. NSFW.

Onto the picks for Week 12.

The problem with the Thursday night games is twofold. One, as Hernandez and I discussed earlier this year, is that Time Warner doesn't carry the NFL Network, so I can't watch it at home. Two, we have less time to put any real thought into our picks.

STEELERS (10.5) vs. Bengals

I hate the Steelers.

PICK: BENGALS
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CARDINALS vs. Giants (3.5)

I always pick the Giants.

PICK: GIANTS
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TITANS (5.5) vs. Jets

I hate the Jets.

PICK: TITANS
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BROWNS (3.5) vs. Texans

The Texans are the little team that could, which makes no sense because being in Houston they should have a powerhouse team. They grow 'em fat down thar! They're not very good, but there should be very little defense in this game, so I think this one could go down to a game-ending field goal, in which case the Texans cover.

PICK : TEXANS
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CHIEFS vs. Bills (3.5)

Ouch. The Bills have been slapped around the last three weeks by Miami, Jets and Cleveland (I think--I fell asleep before the game ended). If they can't rebound against the terrible, terrible Chiefs than I give up on them.

PICK: BILLS
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DOLPHINS (2.5) vs. Patriots

I can't believe I'm picking the Dolphins.

PICK: DOLPHINS
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COWBOYS (11.5) vs. 49ers

The Cowboys are back! Ha-ha. I wouldn't pick the Cowboys if I dropped them down the front of Eva Mendes' shirt and she told me I could go looking for them.

PICK: 49ERS
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LIONS vs. Buccaneers (8.5)

The Lions are a poor, poor team. But the Bucs don't score much. Except for QB Jeff Gaycia.

PICK: LIONS
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RAVENS (1.5) vs. Eagles

The Giants put up a lot of points on the Ravens last week, but they did most of the damage with their running game. I see the Ravens bouncing back.

PICK: RAVENS
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RAMS vs. Bears (8.5)

Kyle Orton's back! The Rams are awful.

PICK: BEARS
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JAGS (2.5) vs. Vikings

I'm fuckin' doing it again. I told myself I wouldn't pick the Vikings, but all they have to do is give Adrian Peterson the ball and they win.

PICK: VIKINGS
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FALCONS (1.5) vs. Panthers

This is a kickass showdown. I can't believe I'm saying that about a Falcons game. I may head to the (holds nose) sports bar in my 'hood to watch this. I'm rooting for the Falcons. Carolina's not a real place.

PICK: FALCONS
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BRONCOS (9.5) vs. Raiders

Spread too big.

PICK: RAIDERS
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SEAHAWKS vs. Redskins (3.5)

It sucks to go to the West Coast, and Seattle has a boisterous crowd, but the Redskins need this one. Did anyone see the fake NY Times that came out this month? There was a sports story about the Redskins changing their name. What's the point of wiping out an entire race of people if we can't racially denigrate them through our sports and entertainment outlets?

PICK: REDSKINS
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CHARGERS (3.5) vs. Colts

I hate myself for loving football. Both of these teams are underachieving and pretty annoying.

PICK: CHARGERS
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SAINTS (2.5) vs. Packers

I love to watch Drew Brees play, but the Packers are a dangerous team. I sense a Monday night spanking.

PICK: Packers

My first NFL Game (or how I spent my summer vacation)

2008-11-19T21:17:00.000-08:00

Wow. What a sensory overload. After 14 years in New York, Hernandez graciously invited me to my first New York Giants game.

No question, I'm a fair-weather, newborn fan. The kind of fan that would get his ass cracked in the bathroom if they knew I wasn't the real deal. Which, come to think of it, they should've realized when they saw the St. Louis Cardinals cap.

Doesn't matter. New York Giants fans are ecstatic, excited, friendly, and unified. After pulling off the most thrilling Super Bowl upset of all time, the Giants are largely considered the best team in the NFL. They're fired up for games, playing well at both ends, playing for their coach who was controversial a year ago.

That's all logical guessing. Truth is, I was gettin fucked up in a Meadowlands parking garage with Hernandez. I'd like to plug the sandwich place he picked up our pre-gametime sandwiches at, but I forget the name. I'd like to plug the beer that got me drunk but it was Coors Light, and chugging six of anything will make you lightheaded. (Hear that, brady bunch?)

Hernandez has been a lifetime Giants fan and regaled me with tales of three generations of Giants fans pissing on the same concrete wall in the same parking garage we tailgated in. We had a spirited conversation about the best fan jersey he'd seen, and I can't believe I remember this (I have a shitty memory) but he told me an amazing Ron Dayne jersey story. Ron Dayne ran for the Giants in a decade past. Uh, come to think of it, could you tell the story again Hernandez?

The game was incredible. *Incredible*. The energy spouting from the field consumes the fans. I know NFL football as a game that lasts 3 hours plus but only features 15 minutes of action, and figured there'd be a lot of standing around. Not at all.

The main distraction is the fans. I've been to hundreds of sporting events, and there are always true fanatics, fueled by allegiance and community and history, and probably a fair amount of $8 Natural Lights. But the people around us were legitimately thrilled. A guy standing behind me with his 10-year old son gave commentary that was always earnest, always well-informed, almost always on target, and usually hilarious -- better than any commentator working on Fox or CBS this year.

Further than that was the Giants themselves. For the random game that Hernandez invited me to, the Giants proved they are the best team in the NFL. This is not some economic thing where the Giants are the Yankees and can buy the best team money can buy--they are the same team they were last year. Only worse. They've lost Strahan and Umenyiora, the anchors of their pass rush. They've lost media beast Jeremy Shockey, who was a hard-ass blocker and receiver and was able to deflect a lot of media coverage off Eli.

No matter anymore. Strahan is gone. Umenyiora has been out all season. Jeremy Shockey is a Saint (and injured). And Eli is not the quarterback he's ever been in New Jersey. He's confident. He makes mistakes, he makes passes, but foremost the Giants fans believe in him.

And the Giants are the best team in the NFL. I got to see them.

Keith's Week 11 picks

2008-11-13T17:46:00.000-08:00

I got nothin' people. These Thursday night games are killing my creativity--which means I'm going blue.

I was getting drinks with my coworkers, who are some fuckin' hilarious people. Tonight one of them asked a very poignant question. If you had a clone, would you let him suck your cock? My answer was no, but I'd watch him jerk off so I could improve my technique.

PATRIOTS (3.5) vs. Jets

Brett Favre has thrown 9,000 interceptions. When Peter King sucks his cock, Brett misses his face with the moneyshot by a good 18-24 inches.

Pick: Patriots

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GIANTS (6.5) vs. Ravens

My first NFL football game ever. I don't care who the logical pick is. It's all Giants.

Pick: Giants

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FALCONS (5.5) vs. Broncos

This game should be like 38-30. Very high-scoring. I don't give a fuck, I'll be at Giants Stadium, plowing through beers.

Pick: Falcons

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DOLPHINS (10.5) vs. Raiders

The Raiders aren't that good, but I believe the Dolphins are soft. All that South Beach livin'. I expect this game to end with Chad Pennington's scrotum and rectum changing places.

Pick: Raiders

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COLTS (8.5) vs. Texans

Texans starting QB Matt Schaub is still injured, I heard a couple days ago. I attribute the Colts weak start to Peyton Manning's off-to-preseason injury (too lazy to look it up), but he's back. If 'Peace Frog' were about Indianapolis, I'd say "There's blood on the streets in Indianapolis."

Pick: Colts

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Titans (3.5) vs. JAGUARS

Tennessee has gotta lose at some point. If sports proves anything it's that great teams rise to the occasion but underachieve against bad teams. This is my upset special. You read it here first. God, I'm a fucking idiot.

Pick: Jaguars

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PACKERS (1.5) vs. Bears

Ooh now I can use it. Blood on the streets in the town of Chicago...

Pick: Packers

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Eagles (8.5) vs. BENGALS

Pick: Eagles. I may lose this thing, but I will never pick a team from Ohio. Even though they both won last week.

Pick: Eagles

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Saints (4.5) vs. CHIEFS

Exhibit MCLXXIIII in the defense against those who think the NFL is the greatest sport in the frickin' world. When Herm Edwards hangs himself after this season, I hope he went the Michael Hutchence way and busted a nut beforehand.

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PANTHERS (13.5) vs. Lions

Whatever. Vagina farts and shit dolls.

PICK: Lions

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49ERS (5.5) vs. Rams

So inconsequential. I'd rather go bobbing for corpses in the Gowanus canal than watch this. I'd rather eat snail cum out of a monkey's prolapsed asshole. I'd rather watch "2 Girls 1 Cup" while eating homeless diarrhea than watch this game.

PICK: Rams
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Cardinals (3.5) vs. SEAHAWKS

Let me say I hate the NFL since it went to 32 teams with four teams in a division. Where a game between two forsaken teams could possibly have playoff implications drives me into a meth-fueled stutter.

Seattle has melted popsicles for cocks, and Arizona is the next Waco. Isn't that why Dave Murrow moved there?

PICK: Cardinals
-------------------------

STEELERS (3.5) vs. Chargers

The Steelers are the much better team, and the spread is low. But if I have to see Steelers receiver Hines Ward smile one more time, I'm going to skin his kids and wallpaper my asshole.

PICK: Chargers
-------------------------

Cowboys (2.5) vs. REDSKINS

Finally! A game where it's completely acceptable for a Giants fan to root for injuries. If the Redskins weren't doing so well, I'd be pulling for them to decimate Dallas, but they're ahead. So I have to pull for Dallas, which makes me the miserable fuck I am. Believe me, I want to see the Redskins make cock pizza out of Dallas, but the best outcome for the Giants is for Tony Romo to litter the Redskins defense with his sharecropper Mountain Dewchebag cancer-infested urine.

Note: This spread is wrong, the Redskins are actually favored. Which makes a Cowboys victory under this spread much worse. But I believe in the cancer urine.

PICK: Cowboys

-------------------------

BILLS (4.5) vs. Browns

Buffalo vs. Cleveland. #2 and #3 of the cities I would consider hell. (Detroit is #1.)

Imagine Buffalo as a leper dockworker, and Cleveland as a fat hooker. Buffalo is going to screw Cleveland till its dick literally falls off, covered in leeches and chewing tobacco tea. Cleveland is about to douse itself in bukkake export for a dozen donuts. 9 of them are advertised as jelly but (head shakes slowly) are not.

PICK: Bills

Week 11 Picks - Hernandez

2008-11-13T14:04:00.000-08:00

It's getting tighter than an altar boys asshole, both in the IKH picks race and in the actual playoff race. This is a big week in the NFL, as they all will be from here on out as the postseason gets closer. There are a handful of good matchups, starting with the Thursday night showcase.

PATRIOTS (3.5) vs Jets

The Jets suck. Sure, they're better than they were last year, but that's like praising a special ed kid for not pissing his pants. They're getting marginally better quarterback play, a better rushing attack and MUCH better defense than they did last season, but they can't escape their history of complete failure and humiliation. Wes Welker torches them in Foxboro and the Pats roll.

Pick: Patriots

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GIANTS (6.5) vs Ravens

I will pussy out for now and just make my pick, but I promise to write a separate post previewing the game sometime before Sunday's apocalypse.

Pick: Giants

Underrated Giant of the Week: Amani Toomer. How can the guy who holds the franchise's all-time records for receptions and yards be underrated? Because he continues to bring it every week even after he's been written off a thousand times. Sometimes Eli forgets to look for him, but when he does, he's open. And he always makes the catch.

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FALCONS (5.5) vs Broncos

Have I mentioned the Broncos defense sucks? I thought so.

Pick: Falcons

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DOLPHINS (10.5) vs Raiders

Most Miami games have been close, except for when they blew out New England. But Oakland had their once-a-month decent game last week, and they're on the road this time. Also, the Raiders are so poorly coached that I don't think they've even heard of the Wildcat offense, let alone know how to stop it.

Pick: Dolphins

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COLTS (8.5) vs Texans

Letdown game for the Colts after New England and Pittsburgh back to back. They'll win, but not by 8.5 points.

Pick: Texans

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Titans (3.5) vs JAGUARS

I don't feel that strongly that Jacksonville - one of the HUGE disappointments this year - will win or cover, but like I said last week, I'm picking against Tennessee every week until they lose. Am I repeating myself? Good.

Pick: Jaguars

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PACKERS (1.5) vs Bears

This one screams pick 'em. I don't like Green Bay's offensive line, especially against the Bears, who completely shut down Tennessee's excellent running game last week. Ryan Grant, AKA the NY Giants 5th string running back (he wasn't good enough to make our team last year,) will have a tough time and the Bears make the Cheeseheads cry.

Pick: Bears

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Eagles (8.5) vs BENGALS

Of course McNabb is a choker and Reid is still a dumb, fat fuck. But any team that drops 30 on my team - even if we DID hand them two TD's off of turnovers - should be able to handle the Bungles. Philly's also desperate to stay in the NFC race, so they'll probably show up to play. They're good at bullying bad teams, and not so good when they go up against real men. That makes them pussies, but winners this week.

Pick: Eagles

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Saints (4.5) vs CHIEFS

Lock of the week. For some reason I've seen the Chiefs play three out of the last four weeks, and much to my surprise, Tyler Thigpen is GOOD! He'll throw all day against that horrendous New Orleans defense, and KC will cover. Fuck, they may even win. They should've beaten the Jets and Chargers the last two weeks, so why not New Orleans?

Pick: Chiefs

BTW, let me gloat about Jeremey Shockey for a second. He's been a total bust for the Saints. Probably worse than that, because he's been a clubhouse cancer as well. His numbers are WAY down, even with Drew Brees on his way to setting the all-time single season record for most passing yards; he's been hurt, and blamed it on the trainers for misdiagnosing him; he's argued on the sidelines with Brees more than once; and to top it off he was benched for the second half last week. HAHAHAHA!!! What a douche. And to think Giants GM Jerry Reese gets extra second and fifth-round picks in next year's draft for the pleasure of getting rid of this assclown. It's almost not fair. Except it is.

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PANTHERS (13.5) vs Lions

Carolina will win, but they were SO bad against Oakland last week that you've gotta think Detroit will cover, right? I'm not so sure either, but I'll go out on a limb because I have balls.

Pick: Lions

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BUCCANEERS (4.5) vs Vikings

Don't like either of these mediocre teams, so as I always do in those games, I go with the home team. I don't even care if I'm wrong - it just feels right.

Pick: Buccaneers

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49ERS (5.5) vs Rams

San Francisco looked good on MNF. And I know I've preached before that you can't expect momentum to carry over from week to week in the NFL, but they're playing a truly crappy team this time. If they keep the intensity up - a BIG if - they'll win and cover.

Pick: 49ers

More gloating: As much as I wanted San Fran to pull off the upset (mostly because Arizona is battling the Giants for playoff seeding), I can't help but be happy that San Fran offensive coordinator Mike Martz fucked up in the last minute and cost his team the game. HAHAHAHAHA!!! This guy is one of the most insufferable pricks in sports - he's really underrated as a prick, in my opinion - and he deserves nothing but bad things to happen to him.

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Cardinals (3.5) vs SEAHAWKS

Seattle is really, really bad. I don't care if they get Matt "Elisabeth" Hasselbeck back this week. Shit, I don't care if they get Republican asshole Steve Largent and worst-ever MVP recipient Shaun Alexander back - they're not winning.

Pick: Cardinals

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STEELERS (3.5) vs Chargers

Pittsburgh's been inconsistent, Roethlisberger is probably playing hurt, and Fast Willie Parker can't stay on the field. No matter. At home, with that defense, against a soft as snatch Chargers team? Nah.

Pick: Steelers

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Cowboys (2.5) vs REDSKINS

Do I have to pick the Cowboys now that Portis is out and Tony Homo is riding in to save the day? Sports fucking suck sometimes.

Pick: Cowboys

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BILLS (4.5) vs Browns

The Bills have totally shit the bed, but I figure they're due to recover sometime. They're at home, it's cold and snowy already, and Cleveland has quit, so I'm banking on it happening this week.

Pick: Bills

Recap/Fantasy Rebuttal

2008-11-10T19:26:00.000-08:00

Going into the Monday Night Football game, Keith and I were/are tied for the week with middling 6-7 records. But we both picked Arizona, so we'll either end up tied 7-7 or 6-8. No big whoop. (At halftime it's looking more like 6-8, as San Fran decided to show up this week. So far no sign of Singletary's privates.)

Update: Arizona pulled out a wild one in a great game I had the pleasure of watching live because my wife went to bed ridiculously early. Nicest thing she's done for me all month. So Keith and I both finished 6-8 this week.

We'll have our Week 11 picks in a few days, but the bigger story is Keith and I are gearing up to attend the Ravens/Giants game on Sunday. I believe it's Keith's first ever NFL game, we have amazing seats, and I couldn't be more psyched. Murdering Ray Lewis and Baltimore's Big Bad D will try to match up with Brandon Jacobs and his 270 pounds of fury. My dick is hard already, in a completely heterosexual way. Maybe Keith and I can cook up a special post or something afterwards to mark the occasion. The football, not my hard dick.

---------------------------------------------

On the fantasy front, Beef Wennington lost its Week 2 matchup 6-3 to a team named Illini. Thanks a lot Keith. When I had control the first week I only lost 5-4. So that either means I'm better than Keith at running the team, or our roster played slightly better in Week 1 and it was complete dumb luck. We'll never know the answer, which is exactly why fantasy sports suck.

Rather than post a comment on Keith's fantasy writeup that nobody will ever see, I'll rebut his points here on the mainpage:

#1. Keith's right - in hindsight, we should have gone with Touch Me I'm Sikma. But it's not like he ever stated a preference. What am I, a mindreader? There's a reason we're both divorced.

#2. I'm sure a live draft is a lot of fun, but I didn't have time for one. I realize the camaraderie of a draft is a crucial component of enjoying fantasy sports, but I only have so much free time to waste. Next year, promise.

#3. I couldn't be prouder to be the guy who drafts too many players from his favorite team. I'd recommend more fantasy nerds do the same, except they don't actually root for any specific teams because they're assholes who are too wrapped up in stats.

As I said in the post introducing our fantasy league, I wanted to pick a lot of Knicks because I needed to have some players to root for in real life, AND I figured they'd do well playing for Mike D'Antoni. How's that working out for us? David Lee, the darling of the white fanbase, is averaging an extremely respectable 10.2 points and 6.2 rebounds per game, and really hasn't played all that well so far. Nate Robinson is averaging 15 points, 4.3 assists and 2.83 steals. Wilson Chandler's numbers are 13 PPG, 6 RPG in only 28 minutes per game. And Zach Randolph is 19.8 PPG and 11.5 RPG. Quadruple ha, motherfucker!

#4. I don't want to lose. I just don't care if we do.

#5. Granted, regular season basketball isn't as good as playoff basketball, but any sporting event is a million times better than network television. Let's see, do I want to watch "How I Met Your Mother" and "Two and a Half Men" or Knicks/Bobcats? A no brainer, no matter how shitty the Bobcats are.

#6. Speaking of Liverpool, I usually hold my nose and root for them over any of the other superclubs in the Premiership, but I was cursing them last week when they were gifted a 1-1 draw they didn't deserve in their Champions League match against Atletico Madrid. That was the weakest penalty call I've ever seen, especially in second half stoppage time! Just terrible.

#7. Keith is up one game in the picks. Still too much football to be played to be talking smack yet.

#8. Yes, Keith's personality is so addictive and he's so deeply involved that he mistakenly benched LeBron James in a game last week. Total boneheaded move, and you know what? It doesn't matter one fucking bit.

I've gotta start messing around to make the fantasy stuff more entertaining, cause two weeks in it's even worse than I thought.

Fantasy Bball + week 10 picks

2008-11-06T16:36:00.000-08:00

Rather than discuss the football happening this week, I'll get my picks in quick and talk about other sports stuff. Picks at the end.

So Hernandez has signed us up for a fantasy basketball league. We are diametrically opposed in running Beef Wennington, our team, for the following 8 reasons.

#1: he didn't go with Touch Me I'm Sikma, which is much better. Bill Wennington is pretty much my favorite awkward tall white guy who can't play defense, but you don't have to be a Mudhoney fan to get the Sikma joke.

#2: I told him to sign us up for a live draft. Really, the draft is the most fun part of fantasy basketball. Especially if sharing a team. We'd get together, drink beer, eat beer cans, and decide unimportant stuff like if Emeka Okafor is better than Corey Magette with all the seriousness of an economic summit. We make fun of the stupidest team name in our league (LuvMyPatriots&NKOTB is a runaway), and the guy who picks too many players from his favorite team.

#3. Unfortunately, we are that team, because Hernandez picked half of the frickin' New York Knicks roster. If you haven't seen Spike Lee smile in several years, it's not because he's an Angry Black Man, it's because his favorite team *sucks*. Yes, the Knicks have a new coach who stresses offense, which is all you really want in a fantasy league. But we took the shrimp (5'3" Nate Robinson, who enters the Slam Dunk contest every year and sucks at it 'cos he's short), the Wennington guy (David Lee, who is the name of my Korean freshman college roommate who listened exclusively to Erasure and Book of Love), The Criminal (Zach Randolph) and a guy named Wilson Chandler who I thought was on the Mets.

#4. Hernandez wants to lose. He thinks fantasy basketball is a waste of time and detracts from the game. That's the *point*. Because as we know, about 25% of NBA players try before the playoffs, and those are the ones in contract years. I on the other hand, was forged with a competitive spirit and care not to make a mockery of ourselves.

#5. Hernandez likes watching regular season basketball. That's okay, I guess--I watched General Hospital with my sister when I was 12. I probably remember more about that season than any highlights from any regular season game ever.

#6. Basketball is a distraction right now! We're entering Week 10 of the football season and as Hernandez knows I'm knee deep in Liverpool soccer right now.

#7. In case you didn't see, I'm beating Hernandez in the football pool. Just wanted to throw that in there. Nothing to do with fantasy basketball.

#8. I have an addictive personality. I don't have the time to check every day for injuries, waivers, trade possibilities, without getting deeply involved in it and wasting way too much time I could be spending watching hulu.com or reading the entire Tom the Dancing Bug comic archive, as I attempted to do today.

Nevertheless, we're in this thing. It'll be interesting to see whether we end up competing in the league, or just with each other. I'm pretty sure I'll be dropping a Knick a week.

FOOTBALL PICKS:

Giants over EAGLES (3.5)
Rams over JETS (7.5)
BROWNS (3.5) over Broncos
LIONS over Jaguars (6.5)
Titans (3.5) over BEARS
Bills over PATRIOTS (4.5)
FALCONS (1.5) over Saints
DOLPHINS (8.5) over Seahawks
VIKINGS (2.5) over Packers
RAIDERS over Panthers (7.5)
Chiefs over CHARGERS (13.5)
STEELERS (6.5) over Colts
Ravens over TEXANS (1.5)
CARDINALS (9.5) vs. 49ers

Recap/Hernandez Week 10 Picks

2008-11-05T19:02:00.000-08:00

Keith beat me by one measly game last week. I managed an 8-6 record, while he once again titty fucked Dolly Parton. Tartar sauce! So at the turn, the season totals are Keith 71-59 to my 70-60. Unbelievable. We really need to come up with some stakes.

Can you believe the NFL season is half over? I'm half depressed already. The NFL Network is celebrating with its first Thursday night game of the year, which means now I have to do my picks earlier every week even though I won't be able to see the damned game anyway. That deal's raw like sushi. (Note to self: download "Buffalo Stance" from iTunes.) Anyway, here goes...

EAGLES (3.5) vs. Giants

Total bullshit. The Giants shouldn't be underdogs to ANYONE. I don't care if the game is in Philly - they still have a choking QB, a stupid, fat fuck of a head coach, and a small defensive line that will cry to their mommies that the Giants offensive lineman are hurting them.

Pick: Giants

Underrated Giant of the Week: Michael Johnson. The supposed weak links of the Giants defense are its safeties. (Linebackers other than Pierce too, but we'll save that for another week.) But am I the only one who notices Johnson flying all over the field delivering big hits? He definitely still blows assignments, but he's a second year player who didn't start last season so I cut him some slack. Especially when he's an aggressive, freakishly talented athlete who covers a LOT of ground and loves to hit. My sense is he'll quietly develop into a player who will team up with Kenny Phillips to form an excellent unit for years to come.

-------------------------

JETS (7.5) vs. Rams

Oh Jets, why did you have to go against years of history and win a big game on the road last week? Please don't fuck with a proven formula. Your fans LIKE it that way!

Pick: Rams

-------------------------

BROWNS (3.5) vs. Broncos

Brady Quinn finally makes his first start, starting the clock on what figures to be a season-long battle with Jeff Garcia as to who is gayer.

Football Pick: Browns
"Gay" Pick: Garcia

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Jaguars (6.5) vs. LIONS

I told you last week Jaguars that I wasn't ever picking you again if you didn't cover. Now feel the pain.

Pick: Lions

-------------------------

Titans (3.5) vs. BEARS

I love a feelgood story as much as the next guy, but can't we all agree that the Titans are playing way over their heads? They're a solid, but unspectacular and pretty untested team, and this unbeaten streak is now officially ridiculous. I don't care who they're playing - I'm picking against them every week until they lose.

Pick: Bears

-------------------------

PATRIOTS (4.5) vs. Bills

The wheels on the bus fall off again
Off again, off again
The wheels on the bus fall off again
All through the town

Pick: Patriots

-------------------------

FALCONS (1.5) vs. Saints

Eventually people are going to have to accept that Atlanta is pretty good.

Pick: Falcons

-------------------------

DOLPHINS (8.5) vs. Seahawks

Possible trap game because of the large spread, but I've seen the Seahawks play.

Pick: Dolphins

-------------------------

VIKINGS (2.5) vs. Packers

Green Bay is inconsistent, but they looked good against Tennessee last week. And while I know that one week definitely doesn't always carry over to the next in the wild, wacky NFL, I think they'll play well again on Sunday. Also, I hate the fucking Vikings for reasons that I can't even reconcile within myself.

Pick: Packers

-------------------------

Panthers (7.5) vs. RAIDERS

Crazy Al Davis canned Me'Angelo Hall after only eight games. That's the coolest thing he's done since... since... hold on, I'll come up with something...

Pick: Panthers

-------------------------

CHARGERS (13.5) vs. Chiefs

Insane spread. Kansas City has looked better than San Diego recently, and they should've won their last two games. At the very LEAST, Tyler Thigpen and company will cover against this band of frontrunning quitters.

Pick: Chiefs

-------------------------

STEELERS (6.5) vs. Colts

So, so difficult to pick this one. I don't really believe the old Colts are back, but I also think Pittsburgh is slightly overrated. When in doubt, go with the home team.

Pick: Steelers

-------------------------

TEXANS (1.5) vs. Ravens

Ridiculous spread that must have been made before they announced Matt Schaub's injury. But it would've been ridiculous even if Schaub HAD been playing this week.

Next week Keith and I get to watch the Ravens in person, so I'll pull for them one last time. Then I can start cursing their mothers.

Pick: Ravens

-------------------------

CARDINALS (9.5) vs. 49ers

What a turd of a Monday Night Football game. It might be amusing to watch the Cardinals aerial display for a half, but I'm not sticking around for the end unless Mike Singletary whips his cock out.

Pick: Cardinals

Week 9 Picks - Hernandez

2008-11-01T21:33:00.000-07:00

I've squandered my early season lead, and now I've got to come back - like the Misfits - this week.

(I've been told I actually played "Come Back" at a party last year with Keith and some other friends, but I was so drunk I have absolutely no recollection of it. I'm not even kidding.)

GIANTS (7.5) vs. Cowboys

The nerds at Football Outsiders predicted the Cowboys would struggle this season because the stats showed they had enjoyed the best injury luck of any NFL team the previous two years, and that they were due to revert back to the statistical norm in 2008. I've gotta hand it to those asshole geniuses, because their calculators shat out the right calculations this time around. In fact, the Cowboys are so beat up for this game that a lot of people are predicting a Giants blowout. I'm not so sure of that. I'm a little worried that the Pittsburgh game took something out of Big Blue physically, and that they may think they can just throw the ball all day against a green secondary. It's a classic trap game.

Admit it - I had you there for a second, right?

Pick: GIANTS

Underrated Giant of the Week: Zak DeOssie. Never heard of him? Good. He's the Giants long snapper. The Steelers game should be a reminder of just how valuable a guy like that is. Bonus points for being the son of former Giants linebacker Steve DeOssie, who started for the 1990 Super Bowl champs. I always liked him because he had a nose for the ball, he wore a cool dark visor in his helmet, and he's white.

-----------------------------

BILLS (5.5) vs. Jets

What Keith said. I've been railing against Mangini for a long time now, and it's good to see others are starting to catch on. (You think David Chase regrets giving this one-season wonder a cameo on "The Sopranos?" Me neither. Those paisan's stick together.) Let's also not forget Jets offensive coordinator Brian Schittenheimer, son of Marty. The players are starting to complain to the press about the gameplans and play calling. Not a good sign.

The Bills have beaten the Jets something like 12 out of the last 14 times they've played. I'm only exaggerating slightly. They've always matched up well against the pussies in green, and I think they put the smackdown on this soft, sloppy team.

Pick: BILLS

-----------------------------

VIKINGS (4.5) vs. Texans

I agree with Keith about Childress being a bad coach, but I disagree that the Vikings are a "pretty damn good" team. Besides the mess at QB, their wide receivers SUCK, and this team was destined to max out at 8-8 all along. Houston's feeling it lately, and they'll cover at least, if not win outright.

Pick: TEXANS

-----------------------------

BENGALS vs. Jaguars (7.5)

The Jags have fucked me a couple of times, and if they don't cover this week I'm off them for good.

Pick: JAGUARS

-----------------------------

CHIEFS vs. Buccaneers (8.5)

This fool watched Tyler Thigpen throw the ball with authority last week, so yes, I'm actually going there. (Also, our first four picks were identical, and what's the fun in that? You're going to hate me when they cover.)

Pick: CHIEFS

-----------------------------

BROWNS (1.5) vs. Ravens

Only two more weeks until Keith and I go see Giants/Ravens. I'm pulling for you Flacco!

Pick: RAVENS

-----------------------------

RAMS vs. Cardinals (3.5)

Loved Keith's comment on the Edward Jones Dome. Naming rights are one of my biggest pet peeves in sports, and I want to thank my compadre for giving me another idea for a post I may or may not ever get around to writing. You know if I do it'll be good.

Pick: CARDINALS

-----------------------------

BEARS (12.5) vs. Lions

I SO wanted to pick the Lions to cover this spread, but Keith beat me to it, and now it would just seem like I was copying him. So here's to Kyle Orton forgetting who he is for yet another week and just going buck wild on Detroit.

Detroit signed Dante Culpepper today to a two-year deal. He's washed up, but still better than what they've got. That's pathetic.

Pick: BEARS

-----------------------------

TITANS (4.5) vs. Packers

I can see a letdown after the big win over the Colts, and I agree that they'll lose at some point, but something tells me they'll pull it out this week by a TD. I also don't love the Packers on the road that much.

Pick: TITANS

------------------------------

BRONCOS (3.5) vs. Dolphins

Fuck all that Wildcat bullshit; what's lost in the novelty of that scheme is that Miami actually has one of the most productive offenses in the league. Yes, even with the rag arm Pennington. Color me amazed. Oh, and Denver may have the worst defense in football, and that includes Detroit and Kansas City.

Pick: DOLPHINS

------------------------------

RAIDERS vs. Falcons (3.5)

I'm rooting for Atlanta more than Keith is, but Matt Ryan is due for a bad game on the road. The cesspool known as the Black Hole seems like a likely place for it, even if the Raiders suck. This'll be one of those cliche "on any given Sunday..." games.

Pick: RAIDERS

------------------------------

SEAHAWKS vs. Eagles (7.5)

Fuck Philly.

Pick: EAGLES

------------------------------

COLTS vs. Patriots (6.5)

Despite the injuries and age, Indy's strength is still throwing. New England's biggest weakness is its secondary. I think the Pats may eke out the win, but I'm with Keith on this point spread.

Pick: COLTS

------------------------------

REDSKINS vs. Steelers (2.5)

Washington is overrated. A lot of bad teams have played them close. Shut down Portis and they're toast. Bonus prediction: Portis leaves this game with an injury. I guarantee it.

Pick: STEELERS

Keith's Week 9 Picks featuring THE MISFITS

2008-11-01T08:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Halloween, and I did what I've done for the last five Halloweens in a row--I saw Psycho 78, the ultimate Misfits cover band. My head is fucking pounding, and I want your skulls. So let's lay out my Week 9 picks with choice quotes from everybody's favorite grisly Jersey doo-wop axe-chop shock rock band.

---------------------------

GIANTS (7.5) vs. Cowboys

Tony Romo is still sidelined with a pussy injury. Tony Romo, by the way, would've been a great name for a member of the Misfits. As it happened, a fella named Robo was a drummer for both Black Flag and the Misfits during their most hardcore phase. The Cowboys can't win without their Misfits presence. Regardless, the Giants defensive line is going to destroy.

PICK: GIANTS

Lyric: Hell is pumping something into lots of people.

---------------------------

BILLS (5.5) vs. Jets

The Jets have been playing beneath themselves all season. It's about time that people start considering the notion that head coach Eric Mangini is no genie at all, but an overrated crapbag who couldn't figure out that during last week's Chiefs matchup they should've run the ball all fuckin' day. Instead Brett Favre turned in his usual headline-making performance of throwing interceptions and bad balls to put his team behind so he could race down the field at the end for the game-winning touchdown.

I think the Jets can keep this contest close, this is a huge game for both teams. But I would love to see this young Bills team knock the Jets on their asses.

PICK: BILLS

Misfits quote: Here in this place lies the genie of death. Touch it, see it.

-------------------------
VIKINGS (4.5) vs. Texans

Speaking of coaches who suck, Childless Brad Childress is getting about 15% out of his pretty damn good Vikings team. Yes, they have no quarterback, but they knew Tavaris Jackson was untested when they drafted him, and they threw him to the sidelines a couple weeks in. Meanwhile, they haven't built an offensive plan that gets the most out of Adrian Peterson, and they absolutely suck in the red zone. If the Vikings score a touchdown, immediately head to the nearest gas station/bodega and buy as many lottery tickets as you can grab.

The Texans are the worse team, but they can win this one.

PICK: TEXANS

Misfits quote: Texas is the reason that the president's dead, you gotta suck suck Jackie suck!

----------------------------------

BENGALS vs. Jaguars (7.5)

The Bengals are 0-7, and still from Ohio.

PICK: JAGUARS

Misfits quote: We bite!

----------------------------------

CHIEFS vs. Buccaneers (8.5)

The Chiefs are the very, very worst team in the league. There's no 'throw it to Lucas' moment at the end of this fairy tale. Even though the Buccaneers are piloted by quarterback Jeff Garcia, who's old, injured, and probably had a Lorenzo Lamas poster on his wall in high school, only a fool like Hernandez would pick the Chiefs to cover.

PICK: BUCCANEERS

Misfits quote: When you rip my back to shreds, I'll dig my boots into the soft remains of your spine.

----------------------------------

BROWNS (1.5) vs. Ravens

The Browns are also from Ohio. Two nights ago, I swear I dreamt that I was watching Cleveland play football, waiting for them to score. It never happened.

PICK: RAVENS

Misfits quote: My twins of evil they shake you by the collarbone then snap your ribcage and broken bodies in a death rock dance hall please be my partner.

-----------------------------------

RAMS vs. Cardinals (3.5)

In the same week that the old Cleveland Browns (the Ravens) return to their cesspool, the team that bow-tie-wearing douchebag owner Bill Bidwill moved to the desert returns to my cesspool, St. Louis. It's been 20+ years, but I'm still bitter.

The Rams play in 'Edward Jones Dome'. First of all, why does St. Louis need a fucking dome? It's not exactly Green Bay. Secondly, is there a less memorable name for a stadium? Is it named after an insurance claims adjuster?

PICK: CARDINALS

Misfits quote: Inside your feeble brain there's probably a whore. If you don't shut your mouth you're gonna feel the floor.

-----------------------------------

BEARS (12.5) vs. Lions

Ok, the Bears are having a pretty good year. But two touchdown favorites? Just wave a pint of Jack Daniels in front of Kyle Orton and you'll only lose by a touchdown.

PICK: LIONS

Misfits quote: Pregnant mothers in Mexico give birth to stillborn monster babies. (I didn't know this one -- is this true?)

-----------------------------------

TITANS (4.5) vs. Packers

The Titans are 7-0. They've gotta lose at some point. After playing the most entertaining quarter of football (Monday Night Football's 3rd quarter) and then running up the score on the Colts in the 4th quarter, I say they take it a little easy this week. Aaron Rodgers' nose should have a great game.

PICK: Packers

Misfits quote: Brains for every single meal, why can't we have some guts?

------------------------------------

BRONCOS (3.5) vs. Dolphins

I can't figure out this Denver team at all. After the Dolphins upset a superior Bills team last week, I'm hoping they do the same.

PICK: BRONCOS

Misfits quote: Come back little raven and bite my face.

------------------------------------

RAIDERS vs. Falcons (3.5)

I could give a corn kernel shit about who wins this game.

PICK: FALCONS

Misfits quote: 20 eyes in my head, they're all the same.

------------------------------------

SEAHAWKS vs. Eagles (7.5)

Everytime I pick the Eagles, they lose. Everytime I don't pick them, they win. I badly want them to lose.

PICK: EAGLES

Misfits quote: Rip the veins from human necks until they're wet with life.

-------------------------------------

COLTS vs. Patriots (6.5)

Ok, the Colts suck. But touchdown underdogs to the Brady Bunch-less Patriots at home? That's insulting. Peyton Manning is going to come out like Glenn Danzig on Sunday night.

PICK: COLTS

Misfits quote: I walk down city streets on an unsuspecting human world. Inhuman in your midst, this world is mine to own.

-------------------------------------

REDSKINS vs. Steelers (2.5)

Another kickass Monday Night Football matchup. It's been awhile since the 6-2 Redskins have played a good team. And after the Steelers took a blow to the chin at home from the Giants, there is no way they're going into the nation's capital the night before Election Day and folding. I hope Cheney goes to this game and gets shot in the face. Is that treason?

PICK: STEELERS

Misfits quote: I got something to say. I killed your baby today. Doesn't matter much to me as long as it's dead.

Double Fantasy: A Very Special IKH

2008-10-29T19:49:00.000-07:00

Fantasy sports suck. They're nerdy, boring and ultimately unfulfilling. And that would all be fine and dandy if that's as far as it went. But it's so much worse than that. Fantasy sports are actually contributing to the dumbing down of sports. And that's unforgivable.

Many of the problems with fantasy sports mirror the problems of actual sports, the biggest being the de-emphasis on defense, which is the heart of any real sport (and you're right on the cusp baseball, so you'd better watch it.) I love good offense in any sport, but it doesn't exist in a vacuum. Without good defense that good offense wouldn't mean shit. And sure, there are a few defensive categories that "count" in fantasy sports, but not nearly enough. So now we've got a whole generation of jackasses rooting twice as hard for receptions, assists and doubles as they do for tackles, steals and putouts. Fucking lame.

Those same jackasses also think that just because they know some diva wide receiver's YAC average, or some Dominican middle infielder's two-strike batting average in close and late situations against lefties during day games in June, that they actually know something about sports. They don't. Nerds like that are more like Rain Man, but with even less of a chance of getting laid because their brothers don't look like Tom Cruise.

It's maddening listening to fantasy dorks like Matthew Berry make predictions about teams when he has NO idea what the concept of a team is. Knowing individual players doesn't mean you know which teams are good, so stop fronting, Talented Mr. Homo, who picks the Rams to be good every year because of Bulger, Jackson and Holt. What an asshole. Do you even realize how gay your nickname is?

The other terrible thing about fantasy sports is that it forces weak minded fans to root for or against things that shouldn't even be on the table. Have you ever heard someone say, "I hope [insert team] doesn't score any more runs this inning because I have [insert closer] on my fantasy team and they won't bring him in if they're up by more than three runs," then that team goes on to lose the game? I did, and to this day I regret not punching her in the face.

It's with all this in mind that I'd like to announce ...drumroll, please... Keith and I have joined a fantasy basketball league! Isn't that awesome? We're really excited about it.

Keith suggested naming the team after a crappy white player from our youth, and I didn't need much convincing. He had me at "white." So our team is named Beef Wennington, in honor of Canadian stick figure Bill Wennington. (Seen below completing the only dunk of his career.)

I followed Wennington growing up when he played with Chris Mullin at St. John's, then watched in horror as this total dickwad rode Michael Jordan's coattails past my Knicks on the way to three championships. There is no justice in this world.

I'm not even sure Keith knows this, but according to those lying sacks of shit at Wikipedia, for a brief time a McDonald's in Chicago actually named one of its sandwiches the "Beef Wennington." I don't believe that for a second. But even if they did and Keith knew about it, he still gets mad props for coming up with the name.

(Keith's other name suggestion was Touch Me I'm Sikma, btw, which is fucking genius. But I doubted most Yahoo fantasy players would get the Mudhoney reference. Or the Jack Sikma one either, come to think of it. Keith's always too cool for the room.)

It was my idea to join a league because I wanted to see how much of a mockery I could make of fantasy sports from the inside. And since I don't know what I'm doing, I fucked up and didn't give Keith a chance to pre-rank our players before I inadvertently entered the draft, so you can blame me for our roster.

Actually, you can blame me for Beef Wennington's AWESOME roster! We've got LeBron James, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Kevin Durant, Derrick Rose, Josh Smith, Tyrus Thomas and four - count 'em - FOUR Knicks. (Zach Randolph, Nate Robinson, Wilson Chandler and David Lee, if you're interested.)

I picked a lot of Knicks because I wanted some guys I actually root for in real life, and because I truly believe they will all have good fantasy stats playing for Mike D'Antoni. Last night certainly bore that out as I kicked major ass against my overmatched opponent, Heat Comeback, who - unlike me - probably spent hours ranking his players before the draft.

So anyway, the league started this week, and I will be controlling the team until Sunday. Then Keith will take over next week, and we'll alternate like that for the rest of the season. We'll report back on all the goings on as we try to rock the fantasy world for a pointless and forgettable championship. It should be as much fun as our ongoing NFL picks contest. Or not. Whatever. It's just fucking fantasy sports anyway.

Week 8 Recap

2008-10-29T18:27:00.001-07:00

Keith stomped my ass in the picks this week. He pulled a 9 to 5 (which from now on will be known as a Dolly Parton) versus my pathetic 4-10. Keith's most inspired picks were Miami over Buffalo and Cleveland over Jacksonville, good calls both. I don't even want to check if he's overtaken me for the year, but my guess is he has. But like a great man once said, "I'll be back." I think it was General MacArthur.

Anyhoo, great job Keith. You deserve the win, even if the final margin would've been a hell of a lot closer were it not for half points. What are half points, you say? EXACTLY!!! What the fuck ARE they? You can't score HALF a point in football - you score a point. A WHOLE point!! Even points scored by that half a fag Jeff Garcia count as a whole point! I don't get it.

I had the Patriots, who were favored by 7.5 and won by 7. I also had the Panthers favored by 4.5. Too bad they only won by 4. So I essentially picked these two games right on the money because I actually know something about football, and then I get fucked in the ass by some anonymous Vegas bookie and his precious half points? That ain't right. At least buy me dinner first before you rape me like that.

The good thing is that none of this matters because the Giants went into Shitsburgh and knocked Big Ben on his big ass. (Seriously - that thing is huge.) I think a great prognosticator (me) wrote something in his preview of the game that said: "The bottom line in most football games comes down to the lines. In this one, I think the Giants offensive line will handle the Steelers defensive line more than the Steelers offensive line will handle the Giants defensive line."

Damn fucking straight. I give the Steelers credit for shutting down the Giants awesome running game. But they didn't sack Eli ONCE, while we sacked Ben 5 times. Couldn't have asked for a better script. (Kudos to Kevin Gilbride, BTW, for sticking with the run even when it wasn't working. I'm not being sarcastic in the slightest. It was extremely smart and helped win the game for us.)

Can I just take a moment to salute Mr. Manning for delivering once again in a big spot? To have the presence of mind to intentionally call that second consecutive timeout on 4th and 1 in the fourth quarter was genius. He said afterwards that the play they were supposed to run after the first timeout definitely wouldn't have worked, and he preferred to take the penalty and take his chances on 4th and 6 instead. That takes colossal cojones.

Then what did he actually do on the 4th and 6 play? His best throw of the game, the 35-yard strike to Toomer down to the 6 yard line to set up another field goal. Just awesome. It's plays like this that make me believe Eli could win multiple titles, and that my prediction offered in the very first week of this humble blog's existence - that the Giants would be back in the Super Bowl this year - will come true.

Up next? Dallas comes to Giants Stadium. I was hoping for "Make Jessica Simpson Cry" week, but will have to settle for "Make Brad Johnson's Kids Cry" week instead. Should be fun!

Special programming note: Keith and I have a very special announcement to make, but it deserves its own post. Stay tuned gaylords.

Keith's picks, Week 8

2008-10-25T19:02:00.000-07:00

For posterity. This is Hernandez's bag. Let's hope that Hernandez eventually finds a couple of pink diamonds, yellow moons and Mexican testicles in a box of Lucky Charms soon, 'cos he should be making money on all of this.

Anyway, my picks:

Steelers (2.5) vs. Giants

Hernandez wrote a lot of journalistic horseshit about football. I agree with some of it--Aaron Ross and the Giants secondary has to wake up, but the Steelers offensive line has been very uneven. I'm not counting on Eli to lead the Giants to victory, but I am expecting Fred Robbins, Barry Cofield, Antonio Pierce and Justin Tuck to get into a menage a cinq with Big Ben.

Sometime tomorrow, I'm going to call my 6-year-old niece and read her that last sentence. I'll report back on what she says.

PICK: GIANTS
---------------------------

Jets (11.5) vs. Chiefs

Yes, Hernandez, I watched the Jets/Raiders game. I also watched the Jets put 50+ points on the Arizona Cardinals this year. The Chiefs are *the* worst team in the NFL, and your mancrush Herm Edwards is not going to disappoint the 2-3000 Jets fans who still love him.

PICK: JETS

--------------------------

Ravens (6.5) vs. Raiders

Hernandez took the Ravens, and I am too. I hate both of these teams with a passion. If they met in a gang fight circa 1982 'Beat It', neither of these franchises would exist.

I mainly dislike the Ravens because of 'The Wire'. Love that show. And has a show ever made a city look worse than 'The Wire'?

PICK: RAVENS
--------------------------

Chargers (3.5) vs. Saints

Hernandez is right--this UK crap is a waste of time. And any 'football' fan who shows up at this goofy London exhibition is a jackass because Chelsea is playing my beloved Liverpool a few hours earlier.

New Orleans was founded by the French. They'll blanche and poisson in front of the English crowd.

PICK: CHARGERS
-------------------------
Bills (1.5) vs. Dolphins

Hernandez and I have been riding the Bills pretty heavy, but I'm jumping off the train. They're not that great. Yes, they're 5-1, but they haven't put a game away in a long time. I expect the Dolphins to knock them on their ass.

PICK: DOLPHINS
-------------------------

Buccaneers (4.5) vs. Cowboys

As Giants fans, Hernandez and I love to see the Cowboys lose. At the same time, just talking about the team is a puke prayer. It's not enough to watch this team lose. I wish that 'Dazed and Confused' would merge with reality, and O'Bannon would spank the spunk out of the Cowboys after they lose this game.

I'd also bet every dollar in the bank that Jessica Simpson will dump Tony Romo before he dumps her. He's about to become a nothing.

PICK: BUCCANEERS
-------------------------

Eagles (8.5) vs. Falcons

The Eagles historically do very well after a bye week, but Matt Ryan, the rookie QB for Atlanta, is slaying and baking ass at 350 degrees, and pulling game from the other oven like they do on cooking shows.

PICK: FALCONS
------------------------

Patriots (7.5) vs. Rams

Rams. Bet your life on it.

PICK: RAMS.
-----------------------
Panthers (4.5) vs. Cardinals

Hernandex picked the Panthers. Whatever game this team is involved in, I lose. Carolina hates me.

I'm picking the Cardinals. They're the Alex P. Keaton of the NFL. They will prove.

PICK: CARDINALS
-----------------------
Redskins (7.5) vs. Lions

PICK: REDSKINS. The Lions are butt cotton candy at this point.

----------------------
Jaguars (6.5) vs. Browns

The Jags haven't won a game by more than 7 points. And their defense has fallen apart. Does rooting for an Ohio team get me off the hook for giving money to homeless people?

PICK: BROWNS
---------------------
49ers (4.5) vs. Seahawks

I'd rather slit my wrists like pregnant tuna than watch this game. Seattle is ravaged by injury, and their one hope, QB Matt Hasselback is sitting this week. Meanwhile, San Fran fired their coach this week.

This could be the ugliest game ever.

PICK: SEAHAWKS (before I learned Hasselback was out)
---------------------
Texans (10.5) vs. Bengals

Hernandez. Oye como va.

Pick: BENGALS
--------------------
Titans (3.5) vs. Colts

This is going to be an incredible football game. If you hate whiskey and football and Indianapolis,l throw that shit to the curb -- this is going to be better than the best fight sex you've ever had.

Hernandez picked the Colts. Ha! The Titans haven't been on National TV for 4 years (maybe 3 -- I'm making it up at this point) and they're going to win. The Colts are useless.

PICK : TITANS

Week 8 Picks - Hernandez

2008-10-24T19:50:00.000-07:00

Can't tell you how happy I am that the NFL season officially starts this Sunday for the Giants. Too bad it took seven weeks to get to this point.

Pro football is exactly like pizza, beer, weed and pussy, in that all of those things are always great even when they're bad. But the Giants steady diet of lightweights this season has been more like Domino's, Natural Light, shake and Tori Spelling.

Thankfully my boys step up in quality this week against a worthy opponent. I've been saying all along that the Steelers are a little overrated, and I stand by it, but this week I'm willing to kiss their asses because at least they're a real football team with a real defense and real fans. And you can't beat Mara vs. Rooney. Also, Omar Epps is their coach, and "Juice" was the shit y'all.

Let's get this one out of the way first since I've been obsessing over it all week...

Steelers (2.5) vs. Giants

I can literally see ANYTHING happening in this game: low scoring, shootout, overtime, blowout. It's completely unpredictable. This isn't one of those Good D vs. Good O matchups, or Passing Team vs. Running Team jobs. Both teams have great QB's, excellent running games and strong defenses, and whichever one unit plays the best will determine how this one goes.

I think the Giants have the better running game, but the Steelers have the better D, so they're even there. The Steelers are at home, which gives them an edge, but they just lost Santonio Holmes to a marijuana bust, so that might level the playing field. Roethlisberger narrowly cheated death on a motorcycle, but Eli had to grow up as Peyton's little brother; we'll call that a wash.

Aaron Ross needs to step it up this week after two straight bad games. David Diehl and Kareem McKenzie have to play well because the Steelers pass rush mostly comes from their outside linebackers. I think both of those guys are solid, but they're a little weaker than Seubert, Snee and O'Hara in pass protection, so they could be vulnerable there. For some reason I see Ahmad Bradshaw having a big game.

The bottom line in most football games comes down to the lines. In this one, I think the Giants offensive line will handle the Steelers defensive line more than the Steelers offensive line will handle the Giants defensive line. And now I have a headache.

Pick: Giants

Almost forgot...my unsung Giant of the week is Barry Cofield. It would've been Fred Robbins, but he's finally starting to get the pub he's been deserving of the last two years, so I'm going with his even more unsung partner in crime. Cofield isn't spectacular, but he consistently clogs the middle against the run and he gets a good push into the backfield. He's also started every game since being drafted without fanfare in the fourth round in 2006. You win with glue guys like this. And last week's "Don't Tase Me, Bro" sack dance (his title) was the bomb.

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Jets (11.5) vs. Chiefs

You have GOT to be kidding me. I know the Chiefs are terrible, I know they don't have their best player because he assaulted a ho for the fourth time in as many years, and I know the media still gargles Favres cum, but this spread is a joke. Did anyone else watch Jets/Raiders besides Keith and I? Hopefully not because it was some Tori Spelling-quality snatch, but it proved the Jets are going nowhere fast. They're just not as talented as they get credit for, and now it looks like St. Brett's arm might be a little banged up. Poor, lying snitch.

Pick: Chiefs

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Ravens (6.5) vs. Raiders

Ravens are so up and down, but I just can't take JaMarcus Russell on the road against that defense. And I'm rooting for Baltimore because Keith and I are going to Ravens/Giants in a few weeks and I'd like to see two teams with something to play for.

Pick: Ravens

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Chargers (3.5) vs. Saints

I can't believe UK officials are going to let this game happen after that nearly unwatchable sludgefest between the Giants and Dolphins in London last year. Hopefully the weather is better this time around. If the NFL was smart it would hold its overseas game in Germany, the only European country to show any interest in American football. But sending that many black dudes to Germany may incite a race riot, so maybe they know what they're doing. As long as Philip Rivers gets lost somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean it's all good.

Pick: Chargers

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Bills (1.5) vs. Dolphins

Wildcat THIS motherfuckers.

Pick: Bills

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Buccaneers (4.5) vs. Cowboys

Two of the worst cities, teams, coaches and fanbases in the world. Die, all of you.

Pick: Buccaneers

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Eagles (8.5) vs. Falcons

The Eagles lose in the afternoon and the Phillies lose Game 4 that same night. A boy can dream, right?

Pick: Falcons

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Patriots (7.5) vs. Rams

Sure, the Patriots are just as likely to stink the joint out as they are to blow someone out, but there is no fucking way in hell the Rams are beating the Redskins, Cowboys and Patriots in a row.

Pick: Patriots

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Panthers (4.5) vs. Cardinals

Both these teams are intriguing, and I can see it going either way. THIS is why I don't put money on sports. To quote my favorite Mr. Sparkle pick from last week, "More Panthers than Cardinals!"

Pick: Panthers

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Redskins (7.5) vs. Lions

Easy money, like Billy Joel and Rodney Dangerfield.

Pick: Redskins

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Jaguars (6.5) vs. Browns

Are the Jags ready to make their move?

Pick: Jaguars

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49ers (4.5) vs. Seahawks

San Francisco sucks, and I actually think this one is an easy call. That's how bad Seattle is.

Pick: 49ers

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Texans (10.5) vs. Bengals

A two-win team favored by 10.5? Nonsense. Don't start with that "But Carson Palmer isn't playing!" bullshit either. Cincy has been in most of their games, and they'll cover this week.

Pick: Bengals

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Titans (3.5) vs. Colts

Really looking forward to this game. If the Titans win it pretty much officially signals the changing of the guard in the AFC. If the Colts win it'll be a huge upset, and who doesn't like upsets? Either way we win. And the funny thing is, I don't actually WANT the Colts to go away just yet. They're too much fun to watch and to root against. I definitely think they're old, injured and mediocre this year, but I can see Peyton pulling one out of his clenched white ass and stealing it at the end.

Pick: Colts

Happy football everyone! If you don't watch Giants/Steelers you're a huge pussy.

The World Series!

2008-10-21T19:10:00.001-07:00

Football Recap, Week 7. Feh. Not only did I pick badly (I don't even want to count), but Hernandez put his picks into a comment, very lame, which does our forefather Keith, uh, unproud. (Misproud? Unproud?) You're slackin, boy. The state can take that kid away from you as fast as they gave it to you. And by 'state' I mean '12 year-old sister'.

Tomorrow night the World Series begins! It's the Philadelphia Phillies, the world's worst baseball team ever, versus the Tampa Bay Rays, who are so cute and underdoggedy you want to take 'em all fishin' then scratch their bellies.

First the good news -- there is no New York or Boston team in this World Series. The fourth time this decade. And since the Cubs and Dodgers are gone too, Fox Sports stands to lose a shitload of money on ad revenues this year. Which means maybe they'll try to back out of their contract and stop showing the World Series before 2013. And then I wouldn't have to ear-bleed all over my pillows from hearing Joe Buck and Tim McCarver's dung dirge.

Tampa Bay is the kind of team that makes baseball fans feel good about themselves. A bunch of no-name kids huckered themselves up, took no guff from no man, hitched 'emselves toget' and saddled up a near-championship season, knockin' off foes like they was berries on a branch with the butt of their always unloaded rifle. Safety first!

That's why I'm rooting for the Phillies. Having lived in Philadelphia for 6 years, let me remind of you the main reason why professional sports exist - to keep men out of prison. Nowhere is this clearer than in the fair city of Philadephia, where the line between prisoner and professional athlete is drawn in chalk on the field--if you can beat security, you probably make the team, whether it be Phillies, Eagles, 76ers or Flyers.

Competition has always been in our guts; the fire that laps at the inside of our bellies like so many whiskies and pimp steaks. And in Philadelphia, I think this team wants to give their city a championship. They're not nobler than other franchises, I just think they're plain scared of what will happen if they don't. soon.

The last Phillies championship was in 1980, and the last Philadelphia championship in any major sport was 1983, when Dr. J led the Sixers to the last time in Philadelphia sports history when anyone poured champagne over someone's head without breaking it over that same head 5 seconds later.

This is astonishing. Philly is the 5th biggest metropolitan area in the country. Here are the Top 10 with their last championship in any of the 4 major sports (see how I counted hockey, Hernandez?)

1: New York. Last championship: New York Giants, like a few months ago, 2008.

2: Los Angeles. Last championship: 2007, Anaheim Mighty Ducks. Also, the Lakers used to be pretty good.

3: Chicago. Last championship: 2005, White Sox. That doesn't include the Northsiders, I guess, but the Cubs are trash. And the Bulls used to be somewhat apt at basketball.

4: Dallas. Last championship; all the way back to '99 for the Dallas Stars! (Why does Dallas have a hockey team? Does Vassar have a prostitution ring?)

5: Philadelphia. 25 YEARS AND COUNTING.

6: Houston. Gets kinda close, the last title was in 1995 for the Rockets. Still, 12 years less than Philly. Really, another point in favor of Philly - Houston desperately deserves this distinction. If I had $100 billion, I couldn't build a theme park called 'Dead-End Awfulness' and make it worse than Houston. And if I had that kinda cash, you'd be damn sure I'd build an amusement park.

7: Miami - 2006 (The Heat), plus a 2003 World Series ring.

8: Wash D.C. - The Redskins won a Super Bowl in 1992, 16 years ago. But Washington, D.C. is not a city. It's a pimp. And Baltimore is its bitch.

9: Atlanta. Won a World Series in 1995. Only one title in the city's history, which would be sad if Atlanta hadn't lost four other World Series that decade, when they were the absolute best team in baseball.

10: Boston. Don't get me started. I think it's been about 12 weeks since they last won something.

I'm not saying it's the Phillies' year; the Rays showed they were tougher than the Yankees when they quit choking and shut the Red Sox down in Game 7, and the few hundred who turn in will probably be rooting for them. They're a gutsy team. But by ending Philadelphia's dry stretch, that city might get saved and live to breathe another decade.

Also, a Phillies win would cause them to roll over next year so the choke artist Mets can back into the playoffs in 2009. Go baseball!

Week 7 Recap

2008-10-21T18:46:00.000-07:00

All is right with the world now that the Giants got back to winning, albeit unimpressively. Almost as importantly, all is also right in the IKH world now that I got back to beating Keith in the picks. He went 5-9 and I went 9-5. What a way to make a livin'.

Speaking of tits, hasn't it been a great last couple weeks for sports? Fantastic NFL action, hockey is back with a vengeance in a vacuum (more on that soon), Champions League and Premiership soccer is in full swing, baseball's been interesting for a change, and even the NBA is getting down to business, with the regular season a little over a week away. More on that last one soon too. Keith better hold up his end of the season preview we haven't ever discussed doing.

So kudos to you, sports! You never let me down.

Keith's Week 7 Picks, Mr. Sparkle Style

2008-10-17T19:28:00.000-07:00

GIANTS (-10.5) vs. 49ers

Giants! Eli Manning shape his head like football!
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Jets (-3.5) vs. RAIDERS

Jets! Brett Favre make disappear GULP!
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Titans (-7.5) vs. CHIEFS

Titans! CHIEFS! Titans! Titans! Titans! More Titans then Chiefs!
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Chargers (-2.5) vs. BILLS

Bills! Buffalo glows with lights!
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Steelers (-9.5) vs. BENGALS

Bengals! Pittsburgh for laughing!
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DOLPHINS (-2.5) vs. Ravens

Ravens! Black bird like toothbrush! CAW!
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Cowboys (-7.5) vs. RAMS

Cowboys! Hi-ho Sliver! Run like legless snakes!
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BEARS (-3.5) vs. Vikings

Bears! Taste just like Chicken!
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PANTHERS (-3.5) vs. Saints

Saints! New Orleans gonna Hell! Drew Brees very long-harded!
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TEXANS (-8.5) vs. Lions.

Texans! Make Lions out of Monkey!
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REDSKINS (-7.5) vs. Browns.

Redskins! Too many colors! Brown in babies!
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Colts (-1.5) vs. PACKERS.

Colts! Shoot foot in leg on PACKERS!
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BUCCANEERS (-10.5) vs. Seahawks.

Buccaneers! Very food for conquest!
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PATRIOTS (-3.5) vs. Broncos.

Broncos! Tom Brady in sick hospital! Gisele go soup freeze! BRONCOS!
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Week 6 Recap

2008-10-16T19:50:00.000-07:00

Not much to recap this week. Keith told me we tied, and I'm too lazy to double check.

More significantly, the Giants got their asses handed to them by Cleveland on Monday Night Football, a game Keith and I actually got to watch together for a change. Some good that did us or our livers.

It was probably a fluke, and I definitely didn't expect the champs to go undefeated, but I can't stand it when my team plays bad defense like they did Monday. Fuck, I'm a fan of the New York Giants - the team whose fans STARTED the "D-fense!" chant back in the day at Yankee Stadium. (You're welcome, every other sport.) Lord knows I ain't no fantasy football fag who only roots for yards, catches and TD's for the jerkoffs he drafted for his nerdy fake team. I root for REAL football, and performances like Monday's are unacceptable. Thankfully I think the Giants realize it too. Now it's time to get back to whupping some ass, starting with Frisco on Sunday.

And it's also time to get back to what I was doing, which is reading while keeping the ALCS on in the background. Unfortunately it's 7-0 Devil Rays - yeah, I said Devil Rays - so there's not much point in paying attention to the game.

Now hold on just a second... I took a short break from writing this post and now it's 7-7. Wild! Unlike real leagues such as the NHL, NFL and NBA, I really don't ever watch much of the baseball playoffs once my team is eliminated. But I admit I keep an eye on what's going on just in case something like tonight happens. I've paused the game at 7-7 in the top of the ninth and I'm going off to watch it now. There will be no recap from me because I don't care about baseball enough.

One last thing: I honestly don't care who wins the ALCS, just as long as they beat the Phillies in the World Series. Normally I'd root for long suffering, real sports fans to win something, but we're talking about Philadelphia, the taint of the Eastern seaboard. There's no doubt their fans are real, and long suffering. But there's also no doubt they're lowlife, nasty, cheapshotting whiners. Scum of the earth, really. And their teams usually take on the same character. So I hope they NEVER get a title in any sport. I'm completely serious about this.

Back with the Week 7 picks tomorrow.

Week 6 Picks - Hernandez

2008-10-10T19:33:00.000-07:00

Pete Roselle's legacy is that the NFL has finally succeeded in establishing parity throughout the league, where virtually every team is a couple of plays away from winning or losing each week. As a fan I love it because it makes every game so unpredictable. But for that same reason, from a picks standpoint it sucks David Banner's balls. Or maybe the Incredible Hulk's. Whatever you're into, you perverted superhero fuckers.

So with all due respect to my compadre Keith (And by "All due respect" I obviously mean "You don't know what you're talking about") my feeling is we really DON'T have a sense of which teams are good, bad or irritatingly inconsistent, especially in Week 6. Except the Giants. Those guys are fucking good. Oh, and St. Louis. Those guys are fucking bad.

I'll be very straightforward right off the top; I like a lot of underdogs this week. A LOT of underdogs. I'm either going to crash and burn or I will be able to proclaim, like Reverend Winton Dupree, "I am King Shit of Fuck Mountain!"

Here now the picks:

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JETS (6.5) vs. Bengals

Perfect example. Carson Palmer is out, the Bungles are 0-5, Favre threw 6 TD's in his last game, and the Jets are coming off a bye week. Doesn't matter - I still have no confidence in the Jets, who suck. Most likely. Or maybe not. Oh screw it.

Pick: Bengals

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SAINTS (7.5) vs. Raiders

Reggie Bush has a better chance of explaining the finer details of the federal bailout package to his boo Kim Kardashian than he does of running back another two punts this week. A 7.5 spread? Come ON!

Pick: Raiders

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COLTS (5.5) vs. Ravens

I agree with Keith that the Colts are awful. Baltimore's two great linebackers, Bart Scott and Terrell Suggs - not that washed up, murdering snitch Ray Lewis - are going to make Eli's brother wish he was doing anything else except playing football Sunday. Like filming another unfunny commercial.

(Yo Keith, put me down for some Pringles too if this doesn't pan out.)

Pick: Ravens

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BUCCANEERS (2.5) vs. Panthers

Mad props to Keith. "Suckaneers" makes me feel warm and tingly inside. Can't believe I've never heard that one before!

Pick: Panthers

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VIKINGS (12.5) vs. Lions

Yeah, right.

Pick: Lions

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Bears (2.5) vs. FALCONS

Notice a pattern here? Yes geniuses, I've picked EVERY underdog so far. And I ain't stopping here, not when Michael Turner is ready to knock the white right off Brian Urlacher.

Keith's on the money about Atlanta, btw. Every single little thing about that place sucks. Everything. I've only been once, and I'm not going back unless I'm reincarnated as a black record company executive or a white supremacist. (Atlanta's only saving grace is that it's still not as bad as Tampa. Holy cockfuckers, that place is hell on earth!)

Pick: Falcons

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TEXANS (3.5) vs. Dolphins

Houston may be the best 0-4 team in the history of the NFL, but I'm finally ready to jump on the Cocaine Express to Miami. It's a helluva drug!

Only problem is it's a week too late because I pussied out last time around against the Chargers. That one really eats at me because I'm the only person in America who said Miami might be good this year. Yeah, you heard that right - the ONLY person. Don Shula didn't even believe in them as much as I did. Don Shula is also an old asshole, so maybe that's not saying much. OK, Dan Marino didn't believe in Miami either. Wait, does Marino even have a job anymore? I don't think so, so scratch that. I got it...even that stupid ginzo Nick Buoniconti didn't think the Dolphins would be competitive this year! What a douchebag homer that guy is. He and Mercury Morris can both eat a dick. Preferably each other's.

Pick: Dolphins

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REDSKINS (13.5) vs. Rams

Redskins are vastly, wildly, comically overrated. I'm just not a believer in the Zorn Supremacy. They'll win, but crazy ass Jim Haslet will have the Rams fired up enough to only lose by 13.

Pick: Rams

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BRONCOS (3.5) vs. Jaguars

Broncos finally played some defense last week. That was a fluke. They revert back to form here. They are who we thought they were!

Pick: Jaguars

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Eagles (5.5) vs. 49ERS

I've been kissing Keith's ass too much this week, and FINALLY I've found something to disagree with. He's dead wrong about the Eagles when he says they're an excellent team. They're average, and Donovan McNabb is a whining pussy.

Pick: 49ERS

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Cowboys (5.5) vs. CARDINALS

I don't know about crushing. I'll settle for covering.

Pick: Cardinals

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SEAHAWKS (2.5) vs. Packers

Sure, the Packers WERE a fluke last year, but does Keith even realize Hasselback and Deion Branch are injured?

Pick: Packers

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CHARGERS (6.5) vs. Patriots

I'm setting my DVR for this and I expect a good one. But San Diego's missing something this year.

Pick: Patriots

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Giants (7.5) vs. BROWNS

The underdog streak ends here. I think my boys are due for a letdown this week, which means they'll only win by 3 touchdowns instead of 5.

Pick: Giants

Continuing the series I started last time about underrated Giants, this week I highlight fullback Madison Hedgecock. Don't let the upper crust name fool you - this man is a beast. A fucking wrecking ball. He's like having another offensive lineman on the field. He really doesn't do anything else besides block, but when you're as good at that one thing as he is, you don't have to. Want someone to blow a huge load on some chick's face? Call Peter North. Same thing with Madison Hedgecock.

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So there you have it; I picked every single underdog except the Giants. I didn't set out to do it, it just happened. And it feels good. Let's see if I'm feeling the same way Sunday night.

Week 6 Picks - Keith

2008-10-10T12:26:00.001-07:00

This is the week where I feel like I finally get a sense whether teams are good, bad, and which few are irritatingly inconsistent. I don't know how 60 guys averaging 250 pounds each could be inconsistent at anything. Is it possible the Denver Broncos have fragile psyches and are constantly changing from David Banner into the Incredible Hulk and back? Or is it just a matter of whether they get the coke to booze ratio right on Saturday nights?
Here are my picks:

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JETS (6.5) vs. Bengals

The Bengals have very little to live for. I mean, they're from Ohio.

Pick: Jets
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SAINTS (7.5) vs. Raiders

The Saints played in that classically entertaining Monday night game against the Vikings, and should've won, but made so many mistakes, the kind that make coaches red with rage and fans heading to Liquor, Guns & Ammo. They should beat up these Raiders.

Pick: Saints
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COLTS (5.5) vs. Ravens

If I had a bookie, I would bet most of my money against the Colts. They are an awful, awful team this year, going against the best defense in the NFL. Even if they scratch out a BS win like they have twice this year, they're not winning by more than a couple points. If the Colts cover this spread, I don't know anything, and will eat 1000 Pringles in 15 minutes.

Pick: Ravens
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BUCCANEERS (2.5) vs. Panthers

As long as the Rays are competing against the Red Sox, there just aren't enough fans in Tampa to field any kind of homefield advantage. Suckaneers.

Pick: Panthers
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VIKINGS (12.5) vs. Lions

The Vikings have scored 7 offensive touchdowns in 5 weeks, one on the 'dying fart' trick play from Monday night. I don't like their chances of running up the score against me, Hernandez and 9 oompa loompas, much less another NFL football team.

Pick: Lions
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Bears (2.5) vs. FALCONS

Two of the best rookies face off against each other. Running Back Matt Forte of the Bears goes against QB Matt Ryan of the Falcons. I hate everything about Atlanta. How's that for analysis? I'm just killing time at work anyway, so suck it.

Pick: Bears
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TEXANS (3.5) vs. Dolphins

Houston is 0-4 after their crotch-kick of a choke against Indianapolis last week. You just don't recover from a loss like that in a week. You run around in a daze for awhile. Ice cream tastes like grey. Sex is abrasive and unproductive. The blood runs from your heart and congeals on your rib cage while you sit in your basement reading Becket plays. Everything is called into question.

Pick: Dolphins
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REDSKINS (13.5) vs. Rams

Usually big spreads like this are pretty risky. A hot team like Washington can easily run up the score, but put in their scrubs in the second half and watch the other team put up meaningless points. But the Rams are truly awful, and haven't shown a spark of pulling themselves out of the dirt. I've tasted failure, St. Louis style, and it don't taste like BBQ.

Pick: Redskins
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BRONCOS (3.5) vs. Jaguars

I have no idea on this one. I still have that St. Louis failure taste in my mouth.

Pick: Jaguars
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Eagles (5.5) vs. 49ERS

After losing to the Redskins, the Eagles are going to take their frustation out on whoever shows up to face them. They're an excellent team, and currently sitting two games out of 2nd place with a 2-3 record. This is a must-win game for them. Blood will run in SF, and the kids in the front show should cover themselves with plastic like they're at Sea World or Gallagher.

Pick: Eagles
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Cowboys (5.5) vs. CARDINALS

For some reason, I have a gut feeling that the Cardinals are going to crush the Cowboys. Maybe it's just gas -- I did eat a pork 'n' bean brownie just now -- but I trust my digestive system. It's gotten me this far.

Pick: Cardinals
-----------------------

SEAHAWKS (2.5) vs. Packers

I'm holding on to the hope that the Seahawks always play better at home, and the Packers great season last year was a fluke. As I mentioned up top, I'll know after this week whether either of these teams has promise.

Pick: Seahawks
-----------------------

CHARGERS (6.5) vs. Patriots

The Chargers really need to show up for this one, or I'm lighting San Diego on fire again.

Pick: Chargers
----------------------

And Monday night, Giants (7.5) vs. BROWNS

Pick: Giants. Not from Ohio.

NFL Week 5 Recap + Other Sports News and Random Observations

2008-10-08T20:09:00.001-07:00

Well -- what a dick and a couple of balls it's been. Let's work backwards, chronologically:

TUESDAY night, 7:00-ish p.m. I'm sitting in Louise and Jerry's in Hoboken, New Jersey, when a guy walks in with his friend, your average after-work early 50s guy. The bartender laughs and says it's the mayor. It turns out it was the Naked Mayor, so named for his front porch photo spread while he was running for office. The bartender put shot glasses in front of me and my friend, upside down, and said "It's on the Mayor." I turn to the Mayor, raise my beer, and go back to what I was doing, somewhat expecting the glasses to eventually be inverted and filled with something cheap. Nope. Never came. It appears the naked mayor has no clothes. Touche!

I tell you, Jersey is like the Wild West to me. It's like 'Deadwood' if the dialogue were written by the Fonz.

MONDAY night, 8:15 p.m. One of the most entertaining Monday Night Football games I've ever seen in my life, ugly at times, but never bad. I like 'About Schmidt' more than most people, but Kathy Bates still gets naked in it. Oof.

Anyway the game featured the underperforming Minnesota Vikings featuring 2nd year phenom Adrian Peterson at the New Orlean Saints featuring the underperforming but Heisman Trophy 3rd year Reggie Bush. The Saints have poor defense, and I expected Adrian to run all through the Saints. He didn't. He had a shitty game. There was no Minnesota offense, and yet Minnesota took a 20-10 first half lead because they (a) blocked a field goal and ran it back for a touchdown, blindsided Saints QB Drew Brees with a blistering hit that gave the Vikings 1st and goal, which they somehow converted by having their running back throw a dying fart into the end zone for another touchdown. Reggie never really got running either, but in the second half he ran back two different punts for touchdowns. It was fucking incredible. The Vikings pulled it out but not before a couple lead changes, some great throws by Brees, and some of the most brutal hits by the Vikings defense. Awesome game.

Oh, and it featured Gus Frerotte as starting QB for the Vikings, and as the ESPN crew were nice enough to point out, Gus Frerotte is the guy who sprinted into a stadium wall helmet first and gave himself a brainjob. The clip is nowhere on the Internet, but ESPN showed it -- he headbutts the wall, turns around and his eyes roll back in his head.

Finally, it featured head referee Ed Hochuli, who cost the San Diego Chargers a week 2 game with a terrible call (for which he apologized publicly) and who called another blundering game Monday. When he announces penalties, he overexplains it to the point where he sounds like he's lying to his mother. The fans booed him whether he was getting calls right or not. Put this guy on suicide watch.

Oh, and I DVR'd "Heroes". Hayden, do you need a babysitter?

Sunday Night: The only really entertaining televised game available Sunday was the Jaguars/Steelers game, as the Giants rolled and real Bengal tigers didn't go to Texas Stadium and mangle the Cowboys--the stupid Cincinnati football team showed up and lost. Ben Roethlisberger looks like Will Ferrell in a stupid football movie in a stupid city like Pittsburgh, but the Steelers have beat two tough teams in a row. Weird team.

Anyway, the memorable thing about the broadcast is that John Madden and Al Michaels were discussing the Jaguars offense, and out of nowhere:

John Madden (sounding drunk and naked): "I was at the Jaguars practice this week and (quarterback) David Garrard has the biggest calves of any quarterback in the league!"

Al Michaels: ...uh, what?

John Madden: It's true! If you look around the league you're not going to see another quarterback with stronger calves than David Garrard.

And they show a clip! They zoom in on a still photo of Garrard's leg to show a close-up of his calf, while Madden feverishly continued to make his case. I sat in complete shock and lack of oxygen. I didn't dare breathe. And I don't know if I dreamed it, but I'm pretty sure Madden circled the calf with that digital pen of his.

SUNDAY AFTERNOON: The Giants destroyed Seattle, and Hernandez destroyed me in the picks. I went 6-8. He...oh wait, he went 6-8 too! It was one of those weeks. So the score for the year is Hernandez still edging me 43-31 to 42-32.

SUNDAY MORNING: I don't know if he's written about it, but as far as English Premiere League soccer goes, Hernandez roots for Manchester City. It's widely that Manchester United are the New Yankees of the EPL, so Hernandez reasons that Manchester City are the lovely underdogs like the...Mets, I guess? Well, Manchester City just spent a lot of money on a showy Brazilian superstar named Robinho who's supposed to lead them to victory. And on Sunday morning, they took a surprising 2-0 lead on my beloved Liverpool team.

Well, in the end, it looks like Manchester City is also gonna nead Batmanho. Liverpool pulled off an amazing comeback and took the match 3-2, and are in a close 2nd place in the League. Unfortunately they lost their stellar center defender Martin Skrtel, who is fantastic and one of the most menacing players I've ever seen. He's gone for the next three months, so this may not be the Liverpool year. But for now, I gloat.

SATURDAY: With Elton John's blessing, I fought all night.

FRIDAY: I read on that Lehman Brothers CEO Dick Fuld went to the gym after Lehman folded, and some gym rat punched his fucking lights out after the announcement was made. Let's call that boxing news and add a fuck yeah! I just wish you had gone to middle school 30 years later. the name jokes would've driven you to tears every day.

Be back soon with the picks.

Hernandez Week 5 Picks

2008-10-02T14:10:00.001-07:00

keith: once again I will edit this post to make my picks.

Regarding Week 4, I wrote last time that I was due for a bad week, and boy was I right! It was about the only thing I actually DID get right, as I finished with a catastrophic 4-9 record. A retard could have beaten me. Or in this case Keith, who did much better than a retard and kicked my ass by going 9-4. Nice job. And since we both got to watch the Cowboys and Eagles lose, I think we ALL came up winners.

So my huge lead is down to a measly game, and we've got a real contest here. For the season I lead 37-23 to Keith's 36-24, even though I gifted him that completely bogus 49er "win" in Week 2 (look it up). It didn't seem like a big deal at the time, but now I'm sweating. I'm going to look like a total fool if I lose the season series to a guy who doesn't even have a favorite football team. Keith, why do you hate freedom?

keith: I actually spend money on my picks--that's why the seahawks/49ers connection is legit. Hernandez spends all his money on goofy patents -- last I heard he wanted to put Pop-Tart frosting on Hot Pockets. He's a gloriously misguided man. Just thought you should know.

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Giants (7.5) vs Seahawks

Football is always great, but last week kind of sucked because the Giants had their bye week. Now they're refreshed and ready to roll, even without Plaxico Burress. Domenik Hixon will paralyze at least one of Seattle's corners like he did to Kevin Everett last year. Metaphorically, of course.

Pick: Giants

BTW, I'm starting a new segment where every week I'll highlight one of the unsung player who help make the Giants the best team in the NFL. This week it's Aaron Ross, the second year DB who is mostly invisible on the field this year because no one throws at him. He's a shutdown corner already, but it'll probably take the fuckwads who cover the league about two more years before they figure it out. Guys live off their outdated reps forever in this league. For instance, most people still think Champ Bailey is a Pro Bowler. Or that Mike Shanahan is a good coach.

Keith: No argument. Giants will stomp. With Plaxico Burress's suspension for being a lazy-ass, the Giants will run all day, like shit from a cokehead.
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Texans vs Colts (3.5)

How the hell are the Colts favored on the road against anyone at this point? Houston isn't that bad, and Indy is beat up and mediocre. Like I said above, it's hard to shake a rep once you've got one.

Pick: Texans

The Texans have no defense. Imagine Paris Hilton in a rape case. The Colts *are* beat up, and the Texans hate the Colts. But Peyton Manning thrives off being hated. That's why he does so many commercials. Keith picks the Colts.
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Ravens vs Titans (3.5)

Cousin Sal said the over/under on this game is 3, which is hilarious. And true. It might set football back decades. But man I wish I could watch, because I love me some defense, and these two teams play it. Ravens were extremely unlucky to lose to the Steelers last Monday after outplaying them all game. I think they pull off the upset, because while the Titans are good, they're not 5-0 good.

Pick: Ravens

The Titans have better defense than the Ravens. Watching this game will be like watching garbagemen collect trash, along with the pissy attitude that said garbagemen make more than you do. Later that day, you'll throw a gum wrapper on the street, yell "fuck them", and hot chicks will laugh at you. This is in no way autobiographical.

Keith picks the Titans.
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Dolphins vs Chargers (6.5)

I'll keep saying it over and over - the Dolphins are frisky. I'm a huge Parcells guy. They won't have a winning record this year, but he's shown at every stop he's made that he dramatically improves his team. I'll start picking them more often as the season goes along, but this week I think the Chargers will win by a touchdown.

Pick: Chargers

Keith says: I pick the Dolphins. No NFL player is a bigger pothead than Ricky Williams. You know he's going to smoke out the SoCal team and fuck 'em up. Also, QB Chad Pennington is finally getting pussy cos he loves the Cubanos. His Miami hotel room is unofficially called 'The Cigar Bar'.
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Panthers (9.5) vs Chiefs

Chiefs shocked the shit out of me last week, but that was a fluke.

Pick: Panthers

Keith picks the Chiefs. Spread is too high.

Keith likes referring to himself in the 3rd person, by the way.

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Eagles (5.5) vs Redskins

I should've realized when I was picking Cowboys/Redskins last week that rivalry games are usually close. This one will be too, especially with an injured Westbrook.

Hey, has anyone noticed that Andy Reid is the second most overrated coach in the league after Shanahan? For 10 years this guy has repeatedly botched playcalls and time management, and his teams always choke down the stretch. Why is he considered an elite coach? He's been lucky to have so many talented players to cover up for the fact that he's a stupid, fat fuck. And his kids are fucked up drug addicts too. Nice job Andy!

Pick: Redskins

Keith picks the Eagles. Note to hernandez: Westbrook is playing this week. And if you think the Redskins are beating the Cowboys & Eagles in successive weeks, you're fucked. To the readers: I'm hatching a plan to let hernandez's wife know how bad he is at gambling.
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Lions vs Bears (2.5)

The Curse of Millen has been lifted. That gets them a win at home against a mediocre Bears team that was very lucky to beat the Eagles last week.

Pick: Lions

Keith's pick: Bears. Note to Hernandez: You just got your ass kicked from a terrible boss for 5 years and found out he was fired. Would you immediately try to do better at your job? Or would you buy a basketful of Taco Bell and get drunk and happy with your crew?

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Packers (2.5) vs Falcons

No Aaron Rodgers, or maybe one with a dislocated shoulder? No thanks.

Pick: Falcons

Keith's pick: Packers. Easy money.
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Broncos (3.5) vs Buccaneers

Another upset special, at least according to the oddsmakers. I actually won't consider it an upset when Tampa beats up on this piece of shit team and its Swiss cheese D.

Pick: Buccaneers

I think Hernandez is right on this one, but I pick the Broncos. Sometimes, the fat chick at the prom gives the best blowjobs.
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49ers vs Patriots (3.5)

Kind of tempting to take San Fran, but I just can't. I won't be surprised if it's close.

Pick: Patriots

Keith: I took the 49ers. Probably a bad choice.
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Cardinals (1.5) vs Bills

Most ridiculous line of the week. Kurt Warner threw for 450+ yards last week, but did you actually see the game? He turned the ball over six times and looked like he had CP. With Boldin out with a broken sinus (how is that even possible?) this is just nuts. Another non-upset upset.

Pick: Bills

Hernandez and I love the Bills. Pull your money out of the market, convince your wife you're buying her jewelry, and spend it all on this game.
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Cowboys (11.5) vs Bengals

LOVED that the Cowgirls lost last week, but I'm not going to pretend they ain't good. They'll be pissed and will put a whipping on Cincy.

Pick: Cowboys

Keith: NO fucking way. Oh wait--Cincy? Sadly, yes. The Cowboys will destroy this team.
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Jaguars (3.5) vs Steelers

And here's where I repeat for the fifth straight week that Pittsburgh is just average. Meanwhile, Jacksonville saved its season against Indy and are looking to get back in the race.

Pick: Jaguars

Keith: The Steelers just beat the best rated defense. This is an easy pick. As usual, Hernandez is unreliable. Buy insurance if you follow his adivce.

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Saints (3.5) vs Vikings

To me, the Saints are a Russian Roulette pick every week. Their defense sucks, but they ARE capable of exploding on offense at any given time, usually when I pick against them. But I'm still doing it, because I think Minnesota will control the ball on the ground enough to keep it close and maybe even win it.

Pick: Vikings

Keith: Agreed.
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Bonus Pick: Biden (17.5) vs Palin

This spread is too high. Biden will win, but he'll come off as arrogant and condescending while doing so. Also, Palin will win major sympathy points because no one likes to see the mentally challenged get picked on like that.

Pick: Palin

Shea, R.I.P.

2008-09-29T19:03:00.001-07:00

The image above encapsulates my feelings about the Mets. They're a bunch of choking dogs.

Keith asked me privately a few weeks ago - when the Mets first started to blow their lead - if I was going to post about baseball, and I replied that I was waiting for the collapse to be complete before posting anything. It was out of character for me to say that, because I'm the ultimate sports optimist, sometimes annoyingly so. But I could see it coming down the Grand Central Parkway, and so could every other real Met fan.

Now it's come to pass. Again. And I can't say I'm that surprised. Our history is littered with shit. It's no coincidence that our two World Series championships were miracles, almost literally. The 1969 team is known as the Miracle Mets, for fucks sake! Know why? Because they SUCKED, and it was a miracle they won the title. And the 1986 club was clearly the best in baseball, but it took a miracle comeback for them to win it all. There's a reason Game 6 of the '86 World Series is one of the most memorable in all of baseball history. It happened on my 14th birthday, and I honestly don't think I could have been happier if I had been given a box of blowjobs.

So I'm a fan of a loser franchise. Amateur hour. Mickey Mouse. A laughingstock. And I'm fucking proud of it. It's the only honorable thing to do because rooting for the Yankees means selling your soul. My great grandfather settled in New York after coming over from Ireland - first in the Bronx, then in Brooklyn - and he raised his sons to be Brooklyn Dodgers fans. My grandfather raised my dad the same, and when the Dodgers left for Hollywood they were left with nothing to root for until the Mets came into existence. So they were both Mets fan literally from Day 1, and it rubbed off on me. I remember the two of them taking me to Shea when I was a little kid to watch immortals like John Stearns, Lee Mazzilli, John Matlack and Dave "Kong" Kingman. Sure, it was a form of child abuse, but it was the fucking 70's so no one cared.

Those were great memories, and honestly, I was much, MUCH more sad yesterday about it being the last game at Shea Stadium than I was about this particular season ending so horribly. Much to my surprise, I actually got a little choked up watching the farewell ceremony on tv. Seasons come and go, and as a Mets fan you get used to bad endings, but the one constant through it all was Shea. Ugly, filthy, smelly, uncomfortable, cold, outdated Shea.

By any objective standards it was a horrible place to watch sports, but somehow it had charm and character. It wasn't so much timeless as it was stuck in a particular time - 1975. It hasn't changed much since then aesthetically, and it definitely FEELS the same as when I first went there as a kid. The guy three seats over could easily be Popeye Doyle, the detective played by Gene Hackman in "The French Connection." And there are always some longhairs lighting a joint in the empty sections of the upper deck in the outfield. Everything reeks of stale, cheap beer, and you'd better believe someone's starting a fight. What an atmosphere. They say it's the people, not the place, and that's true of Shea. Our gritty, surly, lowlife fans left their mark, and I'm happy to be one of the club.

My dad had season tickets for a couple of years in the late 80's, so I've been there a lot in my time. I went to all three home games in the 1988 NLCS against L.A., when a clearly inferior Dodgers team caught lightning in a bottle and beat my boys in a close series. (Much like the 2006 Cardinals, now that I think about it.) Those games were great, but the real sentimental shit is the memory of a freezing cold Tuesday night in May against the Pirates when a skinny Barry Bonds jumps over the left field fence not once, but twice to steal home runs; or a Saturday afternoon doubleheader against the Phillies when young Dave Magadan fills in for Keith Hernandez and goes 5-5 in the first game and 4-5 in the second. (I can't remember exactly, but at least one drunken idiot booed him for making an out in the second game.)

There are also the non-baseball Shea memories, like the handful of times I snuck in with my dad and brother to watch the Jets. We're Giants fans, but who can turn down free football, right? My father had a good friend who was an usher at Shea, and he would call us Sunday morning and say, "Go to Gate C, last turnstile on the left. Tell the ticket taker with the gray hair 'lemons' and he'll let you in." This is actually a true story. We'd find seats somewhere in the upper deck, and one particularly memorable occasion when it was sold out because the arch rival Dolphins were in town, we sat on the stairs in the aisle. All to watch Richard Todd try to chuck the pigskin through the bitter, whipping winds coming off Flushing Bay. So maybe my father wasn't so great after all.

What else... oh yeah - even though I wasn't there for it, Shea had the Beatles. Twice. That easily trumps Yankee Stadium's Papal visits. Suck it Catholics! I also saw the Rolling Stones there for the first and only time - Steel Wheels tour, October 1989, my 17th birthday - which was amazing; along with the best Springsteen show I've ever attended, which is saying a whole fucking lot.

So yeah, I'm rambling. Whatever. It was a traumatic day yesterday, and if I can't vent and reminisce on my own blog, where can I? I'm sad that the 2008 Mets are done for the year, and that Shea is done forever. I guess the only good thing to come out of this is that now I don't have to pay attention to fucking baseball for a good six months.

Hernandez Week 4 Picks

2008-09-27T20:53:00.000-07:00

I tried to edit Keith's post to add HIS inner thoughts this week, but Blogger wouldn't let me. What the fuck? He already cheated in Week 2 by trying to take one of my accurate picks away from me, then he added one to his ledger that he got wrong, and on top of that now HE has the ability to edit my posts but I can't change his. Diebold could learn a thing or two from this shady mofo.

At least I have a built-in excuse for screwing up my picks this week, which I surely will. I figure I'm due to have a bad week. Shit, this already IS a bad week for the NFL, with a really uninspiring slate of games. But I'll give it a whirl anyway.

Jets (3.5) vs. Cardinals

I totally called last week's Jets game, btw. Here's what I wrote:

Manboobs will have the wrong gameplan as always, Favre will throw 3 INT's, D'Brickashaw Ferguson will get blowed up repeatedly, Tomlinson and Sproles will run all over their horrible defensive line, their new punter will tear his Achilles, and Laverneus Coles will cry some more about Chad Pennington being cut loose. GOD I love football!

Manboobs tried to run and gun with San Diego instead of trying to play a running/ball possession type game that would limit San Diego's chances on offense. He also called for a ridiculous onside kick in the second quarter that completely turned the game in San Diego's favor. Douche. Favre threw 2 INT's, and at least 2 others were dropped. Thomas Jones was stuffed and Favre was running for his life, so D'Brickashaw definitely got blowed up. The Chargers ran all over the Jets horrible D line once Kris Jenkins left the game with a fat injury... excuse me, back injury. Coles was invisible, and even though I never heard it, I'm pretty sure he cried into his pillow about Chad. And here's the funniest one - the new punter didn't even play because he pulled a muscle the day before the game. Ha! Sometimes this is too easy.

Pick: Cardinals

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Chiefs vs. Broncos (8.5)

If Denver was playing a team with an average offense I'd pick against them. But c'mon, this is the Chiefs we're talking about!

Pick: Broncos

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Bengals (3.5) vs. Browns

Cincy took my boys to the limit, so I've gots to give props.

Pick: Bengals

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Jaguars (7.5) vs. Texans

Jags saved their season last week, so this will either be a cakewalk or a trap game. Mmmmmm, cake.

Pick: Jaguars

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Saints (5.5) vs. 49ers

Shockey's out for 6 weeks with a hernia he probably got from fucking Plaxico Burress too hard. Is it a coincidence that after the Shockey injury was announced, Plax didn't show up at Giants Stadium for two days? Methinks not. Shockey seems like a top with jungle fever. And Plax has always struck me as a willing bottom with BDSM tendencies.

Pick: 49ers

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Panthers (6.5) vs. Falcons

Spread's too big without you.

Pick: Falcons

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Titans (2.5) vs. Vikings

Two of the tougher teams in the league. And by tough I don't mean tough to beat, because I don't see either one as a Super Bowl contender (especially the overrated Vikings), but tough as in physically punishing. Quien es mas macho?

Pick: Titans

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Buccaneers (1.5) vs. Packers

Pack will rebound from the Cowgirls debacle against the really not all that special Buccaneers who are always lauded by the national media because for some unknown reason John Gruden is thought of as godlike even though he won his only Super Bowl with Tony Dungy's players and he makes funny faces and he always abuses his quarterbacks and Bucs fans are insufferable and Tampa Bay is the worst hell hole on the fucking earth and I hate this team and these fans and this city and the people in it and I wish that they would all die.

Pick: Packers

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Rams vs. Bills (8.5)

People all over the world, join hands. Start a love train, love train.

Imma keep on riding this here Buffalo.

Pick: Bills

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Raiders vs. Chargers (7.5)

Chargers are going to go on a roll.

Pick: Chargers

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Cowboys (10.5) vs. Redskins

Another game where they can all go fuck themselves. But as hard as it is to admit, it won't be close.

Pick: Cowboys

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Bears vs. Eagles (5.5)

See above.

Pick: Eagles

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Monday Night - Steelers (4.5) vs. Ravens

Part of me wants the Ravens to continue what the Eagles began to expose last week, which is that the Steelers aren't an elite team. Another, more selfish part of me wants Baltimore to only be OK so there's no chance of NBC switching the Giants/Ravens game in Week 11 to prime time. Why do I not want that? Because Keith and I are going to that game, and I want it to be a 1pm start so I can spend even more time away from my family getting fucked up. Priorities people. Still...

Pick: Ravens

Happy football everbody!

Keith's Week 4 Picks

2008-09-25T20:45:00.000-07:00

This week I'm spending Sunday in Connecticut, as my band does a roundtrip to Boston to play a 27-minute show. It should be exhilarating.

I dedicate this week's picks to George Costanza, who Keith got to know briefly back in the '90s. I'm pretty much going with the opposite of my gut on most of these. Home team listed first:

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Jets (3.5) vs. Cardinals

There is no frickin' way the Cardinals can look this good. They've always sucked; even more than the Jets have. But Brett Favre's season-long nightmare cannot end. Not as long as I still have my nightmares about getting attacked by someone's pet monkey.

Pick: Cardinals

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Chiefs vs. Broncos (8.5)

Denver has looked pretty outstanding so far, particularly on offense, and the Chiefs...not so Chief-like. If tits were losses, the Chiefs would be stacked. So there's no reason that the Chiefs can possibly get close in this game, right? Costanza'd.

Pick: Chiefs

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Bengals (3.5) vs. Browns

The Bengals put up a heroic fight against the Giants last week and came up just short. Those are hard games to bounce back from, especially when half your team owns and regularly uses unregistered firearms to combat post-game pressure. Like the Bengals, the Browns are also 0-3 and I think they're ready to stomp. They'll let it loose and the Bengals will pickle cucumbers with the salt of their clown-drop tears.

Pick: Browns

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Jaguars (7.5) vs. Texans

The Jaguars of Jacksonville, who need to do us all a favor and send us a note about what the hell there is to do once in Jacksonville, were predicted to bust out of the grits-n-zits South and conquer the AFC. Since then, they've gone an unimpressive 1-2, barely squeaking by an injured Colts team. They face a much soggier Houston Texan's team, whose recent practices in waterlogged Texas looked like a snuff film version of 'Cherish' by Madonna.

I feel like the Jaguars will win this game *and* I'm rooting for them. Bad scenario. Never bet on a team because you like them. Then you'll fantasize about highfiving one of them going to back to the locker room, and a week later he'll recognize you, ask you back to his table of strippers where you'll discover why they wear so much makeup and, subsequently, how fast you can drink champagne before getting on a horse and paddling her to safety.

Pick: Texans

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Saints (5.5) vs. 49ers. I don't care. What the hell happened to Football in California? No teams in Los Angeles. San Diego underachieves. The Raiders and the 49ers are soon to be new hosts of the Toilet Bowl, formerly the annual Green Bay/Tampa game in the '80s. Those Prozac zombies need to stop shooting at each other on freeways and start hitting each other.

Pick: Saints

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Panthers (6.5) vs. Falcons

Carolina will run all over the Falcons crappy run defense. When in doubt, take the BBQ.

Pick: Panthers

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Titans (2.5) vs. Vikings

All signs point to the Titans winning this. They're playing well, crybaby Vince Young is on the sidelines, Vikings star Adrian Peterson is a little hobbled, the spread is low. For all these reasons, it's TOO obvious. I like the Vikings to pull one they have no business winning out of their ass. Also, that puts pressure to start Vince Young again next week, which is potential comedy gold.

Pick: Vikings

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Buccaneers (1.5) vs. Packers

Packers. Either team could win this really, and I don't really care, but Tampa Bay just clinched the AL East in Baseball this week, and the Bucs are gonna be a little baseball-centric and low-energy on Sunday. Also, Packers QB Aaron Rodgers will score the first TD in NFL history when only his nose breaks the plane of the end zone.

Pick: Packers

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Rams vs. Bills (8.5)

The Rams are trying out 38-year old quarterback Trent Green this week, and I'm trying out a new fiber to make myself more regular.

Pick: Bills

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Raiders vs. Chargers (7.5)

Oakland's coach and owner are both on death watch. Coach Kiffin, figuratively, and owner Al Davis, literally. (Notice the Jack and Blood and Coke).

Meanwhile, the San Diego Chargers' stadium hosted a huge anti-gay rally this week.
And now the team is going to the Bay Area. I predict a gay ol' time.

Pick: Chargers

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Cowboys (10.5) vs. Redskins

I very, very badly want to see Tony Romo continue to play like a man possessed by Jessica's tail feathers. A Redskins upset is in the cards, but if they show up and play a little defense they should cover. Screw 'dem Cowboys.

Pick: Redskins

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Bears vs. Eagles (5.5)

I can not bring myself to pick the Eagles. They're a better team than the Bears, but I cannot bring myself to do it. I think this is the game where a Bear player tackles Eagles coach Andy Reid on the sidelines and he dies instantly of a massive heart attack. Later they find six undigested cheesesteaks. In his BLOODSTREAM.

Pick: Bears

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Monday Night - Steelers (4.5) vs. Ravens

A must-win for the Steelers. They have to prove they're an elite team this week, and on the national stage, I root for the home team. I really think the Ravens will cover because of their ass-cheek tight defense, but what the hell? I'm going to get a calzone.

Pick: Steelers

Soccer Bar, 7:30 a.m.

2008-09-24T17:55:00.001-07:00

I promised a post on my NY soccer bar experience.

Two Saturdays ago I set my alarm for 7:30 a.m. for a 7:45 match between my team, Liverpool, and the bloated carcass of a champion, Manchester United, which was being featured at Nevada Smith's (3rd Ave and 11th) at 7:45 a.m. It was a painful wake-up call, the same reason I guess my friends who run races wake up at 6:00 in the morning to go to Central Park to run half-marathons.

The East Village is a wondrous place at 7:30 on a weekend morning. All of the hangers-on and keeper-ups have swept away, and shopkeepers are sweeping up their sidewalks. On the weekends, no delivery trucks clog the streets or the uncharacteristic quiet.

I walk into Nevada Smith's and the sunlight and calm get swallowed by the darkness, heat and humidity pouring off the metabolizing fanatics that line every sweaty joint of the place. As my eyes adjust to the darkness, I see the entire main floor is packed gill-to-gill, and I'm ushered downstairs. I saw maybe 20-25 people on my 7-block walk, and there are 300 people stuffed inside this place.

I showed up 6 minutes late and Manchester United had already scored following a pass from their new acquisition Dmitri Berbatov, who looks like a cross between Andy Garcia and Gargamel. He's evil. The goal was scored by Carlos Tevez, an Argentinean with the worst underbite I've ever seen. The Argentineans are the worst cheaters I've ever seen. Tevez works hard, but since he won't spend any of his millions on orthidonture, you kinda wanna punch him in the lower jaw.

About 30 minutes into the game, the place was so packed that they turned on a gigantic rotary fan. It's a crazy atmosphere. We're 3 games into the season, and people live and die by each near-miss. These people understand the game. It's not like an American football bar where dumbass Soc stockbrokers buy their bleach-blonde girlfriends beers and promise to take them to Clone Beach next weekend to make up for it. Everybody here legitimately loves the game and their team. It's an awesome sight to behold.

Liverpool is playing without their two best players, Steven Gerrard, their captain, and Fernando Torres, who is also a bleach blonde. Hmmmmmm. But they outplay the better Man U. squad for the better part of the match. And in the 77th minute, when Ryan Babel puts Liverpool up 2-1, the bar erupts. The downstairs bartender is pumping his fist, he's a Liverpool fan. More than half the crowd are wearing their team's jerseys, so I know who to high-five. And they're quick with hugs. It makes or breaks the weekend for these fans.

On my walk home I spy a few guys in Liverpool jerseys. I congratulate them on the win, and for a few seconds, Manhattan shrinks a little bit more. We're all a little pissed. I ask them where they're headed and they say they're hunting for food. I say I'm going home to sleep for several hours and we all laugh. And that's it. And it happens every weekend.

Tony Romo better be f'in the f out of Jessica Simpson (Recap, Week 3)

2008-09-24T17:21:00.000-07:00

I lost the Week 3 picks. I went 10-6 and Hernandez went 11-5. The guy is amazing at picking the ponies. He could quit his second job as a busker juggling Hostess treats if he'd just bet on his games. Hernandez is now 32-15, and destined like Icarus for greatness. I'm a humble 27-20.

I was out of town this weekend and went to great lengths not to hear or read about the outcomes of the games. I'm in an office pool and stand to win $75-$100 every week if I outpick 160 people. At that point, I find drama and heartbreak in every outcome. It's that personal investment that amps it up.

I think this is why Cowboys fans are going to have their hearts torn out. The Cowboys won their football game this week against the pretty-damn-good Packers this week, 20-9, but Tony Romo is showing signs of wear from getting fucked in the wallet by tight-end girlfriend Jessica Simpson. On Sunday night's game, he continued to attack his job like a man who had just received a tex during the game, something like "O baby I luv when u put yr hands between my thighs and i yell 'hike' throw a td gorgeous i luv u ^^"

The Cowboys have beat two of the most promising teams in the NFC in their first two weeks (Packers and Eagles) but the warning signs are there. Don't be surprised if Tony Romo looks like Robert Evans by Week 13.

In other games, the Steelers lost the Red State-Blue State match to the Eagles 13-9. These are two of the top 10 teams in football, and this is the ugliest game I've seen in a long long time. The Patriots gave up without Tom Brady and choked badly, badly, badly to the Miami Dolphins who finished a couple places past last in 2007. I'm going to Boston on Sunday and may buy a mini tape recorder to guage reactions.

The Giants played an overtime thriller against the Cincinnati Bengals. The Giants were favored to stomp, but the Bengals pulled an incredible game out of their ass and the Giants *still* won. That's a sign of a pretty good team. But the Bengals definitely found out they can run to the outside against the Giants' weak defensive ends, and you can definitely throw to whoever Kevin Dockery is covering, who looked as good on the field as those khaki Dockers your aunt bought you in 2001 look on you.

Week 3 NFL Picks

2008-09-19T19:10:00.001-07:00

Can it really be three weeks into the season already? It seems unpossible. But here we are with still so much unknown, except that the Giants are the best team in football, the Rams are the worst, and DeSean Jackson has already cemented his status as the league's next Huge Prick Wide Receiver, following in the footsteps of Irvin, T.O., Ocho Fucko, Moss, etc.
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(Keith here. This week my picks will be mixed in Hernandez's. But instead of adding commentary I'll only be adding my picks, along with Hernandez's inner monologue.)

With that, it's time for my picks:
(I don't feel good about these at all.)

Giants (13.5) vs. Bengals

I'm going to this game, which means there is a very strong possibility the Giants will lose. I think I've only seen like 3 wins in the dozen or so games I've been to in my life. Fuck...who am I kidding? The Giants will win. But only by 10.

Pick: Bengals

(Why am I so down on myself? How can my presence at the stadium among tens of thousands of fans impact anything? )

Keith's Pick: Giants
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Falcons (4.5) vs. Chiefs

A game no one cares about, even in Atlanta and Kansas City. The deciding factor for me is that you should ALWAYS bet against Sermon Edwards.

Pick: Falcons

(I've always hated Herm Edwards because he used to play for my hated rival the Eagles. Secretly, I love him more than my father, and twice as much as my son.)

Keith's Pick: Chiefs

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Bills (8.5) vs. Raiders

True story: My late grandfather was Al Davis' high school football COACH. Gramps said he was third string at best, and "more useful as a waterboy." Whether or not he said this because Davis is Jewish is something I will keep between he and I.

Pick: Bills

(Oops - did I write my grandfather was a 'football'? That's not what I meant. That was an error on my part. My grandfather was a cheerleader.)

Keith's Pick: Bills
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Titans (5.5) vs. Texans

There should be a rivalry between these two teams because of the Houston Oiler connection, but today's players are too rich to care about silly things like "history" and "tradition." I bet Earl Campbell and Buddy Ryan would care if they were still alive. Hell, when he was running the D for the Oilers, Ryan punched out his offensive counterpart - current godlike New York Giants offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride - because he didn't like the run and shoot offense. So you know he'd be looking to crack some Texan skulls this week. Albert Haynesworth definitely could've played for that fat, cheapshotting sumbitch.

Pick: Titans

(God, I love tacos. I hope I can eat some tacos when I get home tonight. I fucking love tacos. I know Keith loves tacos and has written about them, yet I'm pretty fucking sure I love tacos more than Keith loves tacos. I should challenge him to a taco-off.)

Keith's Pick: Titans

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Redskins (3.5) vs. Cardinals

Can't figure either of these two teams out.

Pick: Redskins

(When I talk to myself, I use Clint Eastwood's voice. But when I look in the mirror, I only see myself. They say the mirror adds 15 pounds. I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.)

Keith's Pick: Redskins
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Patriots (12.5) vs. Dolphins

New England isn't going to blow too many teams out this year.

Pick: Dolphins

(I reread what I wrote and it almost looks like I wrote 'New England isn't going to blow too many teams this year'. I have a dirty, dirrrrrrrty mind.)

Keith's Pick: Dolphins
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Bears (3.5) vs. Buccaneers

Hate, hate, hate both these teams. They make football nearly unwatchable. And Kyle Orton vs. Brian Griese? P.U.

Pick: Bears

(And by "P.U." I mean Puke University. Poop Unicorns. Peasant Urinals. Phish Underg. I'm talking the lowest of the low. Real scum.)

Keith's Pick: Bucs

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Vikings (3.5) vs. Panthers

If I hear "The Vikings would be a Super Bowl team if they had a real QB" one more time I'm going to puke. Sure, they'd be BETTER if they had a real QB, but who the fuck is said QB going to throw to? Their receivers blow. Hard.

(I don't understand this line either. Is it the whole, "This is a must win for Minnesota" thing? Makes no sense, not with Peterson hurt and the Panthers playing good ball.)

Pick: Panthers

(I know Minnesota's going to win this one, but I'm throwing Keith a bone because I feel bad for him. I had no idea anyone could be that ticklish.)

Keith's Pick: Vikings

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Seahawks (10.5) vs. Rams

Bwahahahahah!! The Rams are complete shit, but Seattle ain't too far behind. Mike Holmgren (the second most overrated coach in the league behind Mike Shanahan) must give really good blowjobs to bookmakers to have them make his Hawks double-digit favorites. Like, REALLY good, porn star quality, deep throat, "I don't forget to suck the balls and I swallow too" blowjobs.

Pick: Rams

(God, I need a blowjob.)

Keith's Pick: Seahawks
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49ers (4.5) vs. Lions

San Fran isn't exactly good, but they're not exactly terrible either. And head coach Mike Nolan wears a goddamned suit on the sidelines. How can you not root for him?

Pick: 49ers

Keith's Pick: Lions

(It's so coooold in tha D...)
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Broncos (5.5) vs. Saints

Broncos have no defense, and they're a bunch of cunts to boot. But they'll win this shootout by a touchdown.

Pick: Broncos

(I hate Denver. It's Vegas for Mormons.)

Keith's Pick: Saints
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Eagles (3.5) vs. Steelers

One of the two best matchups on the schedule this weekend. We'll see if my theory about the Steelers being slightly overrated holds up now that they're finally playing a real team. My guess is it will. Also, fuck DeSean Jackson.

Pick: Eagles

(God, I hate picking the Eagles. I wish I hadn't already called a team a bunch of cunts. Twice would be overkill. That's just too many cunts. There's no way around it.)

Keith's Pick: Steelers
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Colts (5.5) vs. Jaguars

Both teams have banged up offensive lines, and Bob Sanders is out for the Colts. They may pull it out like they did against Minnesota last week, but they won't cover.

Pick: Jaguars

Keith's Pick: Jaguars

(I want to start a punk band and name them Tony Danza's Castration Nightmare. Lord, am I fucked up.)

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Ravens (2.5) vs. Browns

Don't care about this one either.

Pick: Ravens

(Nor do I.)

Keith's Pick: Ravens
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Cowboys (3.5) vs. Packers

This week's other best matchup. I like Aaron Rodgers and I'm rooting for him, but T.O. and Homo are going to destroy that secondary like Plaxico and Toomer did in the NFC Championship Game last January. Maybe even more. Also, fuck Jerry Jones.

Pick: Cowboys

(I live in a world where my two most hated rivals are two of the best teams in the league. I want to pluck the eyebrows of society with tweezers of rage in sheer defiance of the quality of these teams. I want to beat up their fans with a blowdryer and a bathtub.)

Keith's Pick: Cowboys
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Chargers (8.5) vs. Jets

Glad to see Vegas agrees with me that the Jets are frauds. 0-2 San Diego is favored by more than a TD? Awesome! With that steroid freak Merriman out, the Chargers aren't as tough as most thought they'd be on defense, but even so, they should still be 2-0.

Manboobs will have the wrong gameplan as always, Favre will throw 3 INT's, D'Brickashaw Ferguson will get blowed up repeatedly, Tomlinson and Sproles will run all over their horrible defensive line, their new punter will tear his Achilles, and Laverneus Coles will cry some more about Chad Pennington being cut loose. GOD I love football!

Pick: Chargers

Keith's Pick: Jets

(Enjoy the football.)

Updated Week 2 Standings

2008-09-16T22:37:00.000-07:00

I get the Chargers win because they covered, so I was 11-4 this week. And because I'm a nice guy I'll let Keith have his 49er "win," even though he clearly picked the Seahawks, as you can read below.

If this goes any further we may have to let the judges weigh in.

Week 2 Standings

2008-09-16T21:43:00.000-07:00

So after Hernandez fucked up his math, which is understandable -- he's fatigued from eating asshole casserole at the Republican National Convention -- Hernandez leads 21-10 to my 17-14.
I'm catching up, though.

Stay tuned for reports of my recent 7am soccer bar excursion, and Hernandez's anecdote about how he told Sarah Palin's 7-year old daughter that Mommy's oil policy meant the sky would melt and her dolls would die.

NFL Week 2 Recap

2008-09-16T19:30:00.000-07:00

An actual email exchange between Keith and I:

Keith - We both went 10-5. (The Broncos were underdogs, not favorites - but since you said the Chargers would win outright, I gave you a loss.)

Me - Horseshit! I made my picks based on your post, and you had the Broncos as favorites, so the Chargers covered. I don't care if it was technically "wrong." And that doesn't even matter anyway because the Chargers DID win the game! Fuck what the scoreboard and Ed Hochuli say.

So I win. Again. Keith did much better this week at 10-5, but I went 11-4. It's seriously making me consider betting actual money on these games. But I know if I did that I'd start losing, and like all Irishmen, I'm wicked cheap. Guess I'll just have to settle for beating Keith every week.

Now we love the funny at IKH, but I have to be serious when discussing the blown call at the end of Chargers/Broncos this weekend - serious as the heart attack I hope Hochuli has the next time he does bench presses at the gym. The mankissers love hardbodies, but even Mr. Diesel Referee will have a tough time scoring ass on his next trip around the San Diego gay bar circuit.

You know the call was bad because I'm outraged over that shit, and I hate both teams with a deep, irrational passion. But Jesus fucking Christmas this was bad! I watched it live (DVR actually, but same difference) and it was a fumble clear as day. The players all knew it was a fumble too, including Capt. Diabetes, who walked off the field knowing he had pissed the game away. If I was Norv Turner I would've yanked my team from the field right then and there. What would the league have done about that? Probably nothing, the fucking pussies. But I digress...

I don't really mind getting the original call wrong because they have replay to correct it. It's not being able to review it because the whistle was blown that has me fired up. Hey ref, why the fuck are you blowing the whistle for ANYTHING, short of someone being decapitated? (And even then it's debatable.) Who cares if it's an incomplete pass? Just let these animals kill each other!!

Hochuli fucked up big, but Roger Goodell also bears some blame for this partial birth abortion of justice. The refs are instructed to blow the whistle if it's an incomplete pass so that the precious pussy quarterbacks don't get hurt wrestling for what could be a loose ball. First of all, there aren't many QB's in the league who will get into a scrum with real players. Second of all, who cares if a QB gets hurt?! The league will survive. Last I checked, they still played this week even after the Golden Boy came up lame.

And what a week it was! Controversy, comebacks galore, and a whale of a game to close things out on Monday night. I won't write that post about how much I hate the Cowboys and Eagles because I've used up my bile on the bad call, but I do have a thought about the game, which was incredibly entertaining: Someone is going to have to play defense if they want to get to Tampa in January, and I didn't see much of it last night. Hope you enjoyed the video game kiddies!

Also, with Donovan McNabb hurt so much in recent seasons, I had almost forgotten how much fun it is to watch him choke a game away and then point fingers at his teammates. Welcome back Donovan! It could've been worse - you could've vomited on the field again.

Lastly, something tells me things aren't going to end well with St. Brett and Eric Manboobs. It's two weeks in a row now that the fucking nobody coach who thinks he's somebody took the air out of the ball and refused to let Favre win the game for them. Which is fine by me because I hate Favre AND the Jets. But it's gonna cost the coach his job before it's all said and done. Getcha popcorn ready! Extra butter for Eric, of course.

Hernandez Week 2 Picks

2008-09-13T10:54:00.000-07:00

While Keith sleeps one off following an early-morning Carlsberg breakfast (Breakfast of Champions anyone?) and braces for the scorn from his mother, I'll sneak in my NFL picks for the week.

I'm not sure yet if Week 1 was beginners luck, or if I really do know more about football than my compadre. Probably a little of both. But this week seems harder to pick than last week, so I ain't ready to talk smack just yet.

Rams vs. Giants (5.5)

Have I mentioned that I think the Giants will make it back to the Super Bowl this season? Oh, I have? Well get used to it, because I ain't backing off. Call me a homer if you'd like, but the fact is this is one of the youngest, most talented, best coached teams in the league. If people don't want to recognize it they're just biased and fucking blind. That said, St. Louis will play tough for a half this week before the superior team pulls away.

Pick: Giants

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Jets (2.5) vs. Patriots

Suddenly the Jets are favored over the Pats and are supposed to be the team to beat in the AFC East? Ha! Life is cruel, and Jets fans know it better than anyone. New England wins this one by two touchdowns.

Pick: Patriots

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Chiefs (3.5) vs. Raiders

JaMarcus jawon't get it jadone.

Pick: Chiefs

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Jaguars (5.5) vs. Bills

Bills will fight it out with New England for AFC East supremacy this year. I actually believed that even before Brady got hurt. I took them last week and I'm doing it again. Fuck point spreads - they'll probably win it outright.

Pick: Bills

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Panthers (2.5) vs. Bears

Really tough one to call, but I'll ride the Jake train for another week. Especially going up against Orton. Yeah, you got one last week Kyle, but you were playing the Colts, who are going to be mediocre this year. Bu-bye.

Pick: Panthers

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Lions vs. Packers (2.5)

It's times like this I wish I actually bet on games.

Pick: Packers

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Redskins (1.5) vs. Saints

Total hunch, but Washington is more physical and plays in a better division than New Orleans, and I think Portis will run all over the Saints. But thank Palin we don't have another fucking hurricane or a dead safety to worry about this week, so we don't have to pretend to feel sorry for either of these two loser franchises and their lowlife fans for a week.

Pick: Redskins

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Bengals vs. Titans (1.5)

Kerry Collins is the most underrated NYG quarterback of all time (even if that's not saying much), and he's definitely better than Mr. Suicide. With that D, Tennessee should roll over the Paper Tigers.

Pick: Titans

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Seahawks (8.5) vs. 49ers

Seattle is overrated every year because they play in a horrible division. Add in the injuries this year and we're looking at something like 6-10. This spread is WAY too high, and Keith is wrong - San Fran's not THAT bad.

Pick: 49ers

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Vikings vs. Colts (2.5)

As I said last week, I'm definitely not sold on the Vikes. As I said above, the Colts are mediocre. Whose cuisine will reign supreme?

Pick: Colts

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Cardinals (6.5) vs. Dolphins

I'll keep saying it: Pennington be damned (and I really can't stand that fuck), the Dolphins are going to be frisky this year. And really, should the Cards be favored over ANYONE by 6.5?

Pick: Dolphins

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Broncos (2.5) vs. Chargers

Chargers rebound against an average Broncos team that only looked good last week because they were playing Oakland. Another outright win for the underdog.

Pick: Chargers

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Buccaneers (7.5) vs. Falcons

Granted, Turner won't run for 550 yards again, but Tampa's got QB problems. They may eek out a win, but Brian Griese is so bad I'm not even willing to give him points this week against Atlanta's rookie QB.

Pick: Falcons

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Browns vs. Steelers (4.5)

Don't love Pittsburgh as much as everyone else, but I'll take them this week.

Pick: Steelers

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Texans (4.5) vs. Ravens

Ike! Ike! Flacco! Flacco!

Pick: Ravens

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Cowboys (6.5) vs. Eagles

I only WISH I had the time to unleash my hatred of both teams right now. Unfortunately, I don't. But it's so great that it deserves its own post, which I'm going to try to write after the MNF game. Until then, just pray that Ike reforms and destroys Texas Stadium with both teams in it Monday night. Yeah!

Pick: Eagles

Pine Tar

2008-09-11T21:36:00.000-07:00

Summer is waning, pennant races are coming down to the wire, and the MLB playoffs are just around the corner. So it's time to talk some baseball folks - 1983 baseball!

This past July 24th was the 25th anniversary of the famous George Brett pine tar incident at Yankee Stadium, and ESPN Poker... I mean Classic... replayed the game. I recorded it just to see the famous conclusion, but surprisingly, I watched the entire thing. Here are my seven-week-old thoughts:

John Amirante sang the National Anthem. Amirante is MUCH more famous for singing before Ranger games at MSG, and frankly, I was offended to see my hockey good luck charm sully himself by singing before a baseball game. But as announcer Phil Rizzuto said following Mr. Toupee's rousing performance, "It's always a good day when Amirante comes out to the stadium because he brings us the best cannolis. Holy cow!" I'm not shitting you.

This is weird. The main TV camera in center field is actually to the first base side of the pitcher, not the third base side, so the view is reversed from what we've been used to for the last 20 years. Or maybe it was normal and ESPN Classic just ran the old footage through its system backwards. My money's on that.

Shortstop U.L. Washington leads off for the Royals, complete with the ubiquitously large toothpick he always chewed on. Seriously - this thing looks like a shard from one of those shattered maple bats that are endangering people's lives this season. He's got a mad fro too. U.L. is clearly a bad mama jama, just as fine as he can be.

Damn, these guys just wind up and pitch! Shane Rawley and Budd Black aren't messing around on the mound. Neither are the hitters. None of this adjusting equipment and wandering around the field between every pitch - just rear back and throw. How refreshing.

I should note that the middle of the Yankees lineup is Lou Pinella batting third, and Don Baylor cleanup, followed by Dave Winfield in the five hole. Two of those three are fat fucks - even back then - and the other is Winfield, who wasn't exactly svelte either.

Speaking of Mr. Winfield, he swung out of his shoes and nearly fell down every single time he took a cut in this game. I'm completely serious. He looked like a cartoon character trying to play baseball. Was he like this all the time back then?

I guess it paid off because on this day he hits a huge bomb over the 430 sign in left-center and into Monument Park. Yes, you read that correctly - 430 feet to left-center! And this was AFTER they moved the fences in! When you think about the old dimensions of that stadium, it makes the home run numbers for Ruth, Gehrig, Mantle, DiMaggio, et al that much more impressive. And that will be the last time I ever compliment the Yankees again.

Another testament to how large the outfield dimensions were at Yankee Stadium: Don Baylor legged out a triple in this game. And yes, he looks exactly like he does now. Wrap your mind around that for a second.

I almost forgot...right before Winfield hit his homer, Rizzuto went on an extended riff about how Bobby Murcer used a coffee cup as his spittoon, and guys (meaning, Rizzuto) would always mistake it for their drink. He was really mad about it. When Winny hit the bomb he barely acknowledged it, saying almost as an aside, "Winfield hits it way back, and it's gone. So let me finish my Skoal story..." All of the legends about this guy are true. I grew up in New York City, and trust me, in the 1980's Rizzuto was the ONLY reason to tune in to watch the Yankees. He slayed.

It's interesting to note that the Yankee manager in this game is Billy Martin. It's more interesting to note that the third base coach is Don Zimmer and the first base coach is none other than Yogi Berra.

Brett makes a totally late, dirty slide into second on a double play and no one bats an eyelash. Just good, hard baseball. Swoon.

In the top of the ninth, the Yankees make a defensive substitution for first baseman Ken Griffey. After the substitute, a young player just called up from AAA Columbus named Don Mattingly, makes an amazing diving catch, Rizzuto says, "I don't know who he is, but this kid Mattingly obviously doesn't want to be sent back down to the farm." You don't say!

With Kansas City down 4-3 in the ninth, Goose Gossage comes in to face Brett with one on, two outs. Brett crushes one to right field for a 5-4 lead, then all hell breaks loose.

You know the story, but what you may not know is that - to his credit - Billy Martin was all over the umps about the pine tar right away. He was pleading his case literally before Brett crossed home plate. My research shows that the Yankees allegedly noticed how much pine tar Brett had on his bat during a game earlier that season in K.C., and they were waiting for the right moment to bust him for it. It was fantastic gamesmanship.

The other great part is that in those chaotic moments when Brett was being restrained from killing the home plate umpire, Royals pitcher Gaylord Perry sneakily grabbed Brett's bat and ran full speed through the visiting dugout into the clubhouse so he could avoid having it examined further. The TV broadcast ended with stadium security and NYPD officers literally chasing Perry into the bowels of the stadium. Now THAT'S a way to end a game.

The lesser known postscript to the story is that when the AL overruled the umps and the game eventually resumed three weeks later, Billy Martin was so outraged that he started Mattingly at second base and pitcher Ron Guidry in center field as a "fuck you" to the league. Which only goes to prove the old baseball adage that alcoholics make the best managers.

In conclusion, this was easily the best baseball game I watched in 2008.

Keith's Week 2 Football Picks

2008-09-11T16:04:00.001-07:00

I thought I'd post my Week 2 Picks on Thursday night, as I have to go bed at sunset tomorrow to get ready for my early Saturday morning soccer game. Nothing's really happening in baseball - the Mets look like shoo-ins to win their division and make the playoffs (jinx please work jinx please work - Noonan! NoonanNoonan!).

Here we go. I've listed the home team first, and the point spread after the favored team.

Rams vs. Giants (5.5)

Who's the New York team that chokes against crappy teams? J-E-T-S Bretts Bretts Bretts! The Giants will make this one a yawner. Mow your lawn. Or your eyebrows.

Pick: Giants

Jets (2.5) vs. Patriots

So Tom Brady goes down with a bad knee after giving Gisele a Roman Helmet, and the media goes nuts. Brett Favre was still born during the LBJ administration, and they barely beat the Dolphins (1-15 last year) last week. Don't get me wrong, Brett Favre still has it. And by "it", I mean the issue of AARP magazine I anonymously sent him last week.

Pick: Patriots

Chiefs (3.5) vs. Raiders

Last week, the Chiefs almost beat the vaunted New England Patriots, and the Raiders got blown out. Don't you people watch movies? The Chiefs will underestimate the Raiders, and the Raiders will eat them alive. Or, at least, barely beat the spread in one of the most unwatchable games to ever be aired. Why do people love football again?

Pick: Raiders

Jaguars (5.5) vs. Bills

I'm superstitious. Last week I picked the Bills because Tim Russert loved the Bills and they upset Seattle. Ride it like a train to Candyland until you have enough candy, or enough land.

Pick: Bills

Panthers (2.5) vs. Bears

Last week, the Bears pulled off a convincing upset of the Colts. Two years ago, I made the drive from Indianapolis to Chicago. Indy was in a new stadium, and let's face it: they're much better than the Bears. But Peyton Manning's been hurt after massaging brother Eli's nipples in the Oreo commercials.

The Bears face a prepared team this week, and they're gonna get carpet-bagged.

Pick: Panthers

Lions vs. Packers (2.5)

If the Lions can indiscriminately turn into actual Lions, they have a chance in this one. Otherwise, this one's a no-brainer. The Packers were a 13-3 team last year, and only missed the Super Bowl because of Brett Favre. Meanwhile, here's the best thing to come out of Detroit in the last year:

Pick: Packers

Redskins (1.5) vs. Saints

Even though the Saints lost their best receiver last week, it's hurricane season, and these things are to be expected. But they're playing in Washington. And until the new Redskins coach Jim Zorn overcomes the fear of calling a timeout late in the game and giving his team a chance, I'm pretty sure on this one.

Pick: Saints

Bengals vs. Titans (1.5)

So this week Tennessee Titans QB Vince Young went Romper Room. After throwing his second interception last week, he refused to go back in the game. On Monday, he went AWOL for several hours, with an "unloaded" gun in his car. Two days later, his mother said he didn't want to play football anymore.

The thing is: Vince Young sucks. And last year, the Bengals set a record for most starting players with felony arrests. I know where I'd rather put my money.

Pick: Titans

Seahawks (8.5) vs. 49ers

Anything bad that could've happened to the Seahawks has happened to the Seahawks. Their quarterback, running back, and all their receivers are injured. *That's* how bad the 49ers are.

Pick: Seahawks

Vikings vs. Colts (2.5)

Last week, the Colts couldn't stop the Bears running attack. News flash: the Bears *have* no running attack. The Colts just suck this year. Meanwhile, the Vikings have Adrian Peterson, the most exciting back in the league.

I don't know if the Vikings can win this one, because their QB Tavaris Jackson is scarily uneven, like Dennis Hopper from Blue Velvet uneven. But for every Dennis Hopper, there's a Dean Stockwell serenading us with Roy Orbison covers.

Pick: Vikings

Cardinals (6.5) vs. Dolphins

Just because. Ivy grows up, shit goes down. You don't want either one.

Pick: Cardinals

Broncos (2.5) vs. Chargers

I suffered karmic damage from Hernandez by calling San Diego running back LaDainian Tomlinson 'LT' last week, a nickname reserved for Giants HOF Lawrence Taylor. My bad. But that BLT was awesome.

Pick: Broncos

Buccaneers (7.5) vs. Falcons

When Tampa plays Atlanta, stay away from the tailgate and check Youtube the next morning for good ol' Southern boys playing Demolition Dumbass.

Note to Delta Air: Atlanta was burned in 1864 and bombed in 1996. Maybe you need a new hub?
Pick: Buccaneers

Browns vs. Steelers (4.5)

Until the Browns win a Super Bowl, I'll be convinced they were named after heroin. So they'll have a kickass time on Sunday, which is all we 9-5ers can hope for, isn't it? (Not heroin, but the kickass time.)

Pick: Steelers

Texans (4.5) vs. Ravens

Ok, the heroin.

Pick: Texans

Cowboys (6.5) vs. Eagles

As a lifelong Giants fan, I'll let Hernandez provide the commentary for the two most hated rivals facing off.

Pick: Cowboys

Liverpool vs. Manchester United

2008-09-09T17:05:00.000-07:00

The beauty of cable and the internet is that I've been able to reimmerse myself in soccer, the first sport I loved. I've selected Liverpool as my team, and this Saturday morning they take on Manchester United, the Celine Dion of Premier League Soccer. While Chelsea is probably the team that most EPL fans love to hate (suck it, Barclays), my team is Man U. They're sponsored by AIG, for Palin's sake. (Liverpool is sponsored by Carlsberg - glug, glug.)

The game is at 7:45 a.m. and is not being televised by Fox Sports Soccer, which means I'll be waking up earlier than I do for my job to go to a bar and watch a game of futbol. And I'm pretty fucking excited. From my experience three weeks ago, soccer fans are a good crowd to be in a bar with. I even shared a smoke with a couple visiting from England who hate Liverpool but were very pleasant about it.

I have low hopes for Liverpool this weekend - captain and star midfielder Steven Gerrard is probably out, and star striker Fernando Torres, who is Liverpool's entry for Regrettable Haircut, is questionable. And then there's the karma. It's my mother's birthday, and she'll be none too pleased to hear I was in a bar at 7:45 a.m. Easy, easy...I'm visiting her the following weekend. Provided, of course, she takes me to a soccer bar so I can see them play Stoke City. But come on -- it's not until 10 a.m.

FOOTBALL RECAP, WEEK 1

2008-09-09T16:49:00.000-07:00

Well, THAT went Well. Week 1 record: Keith: 6-10, Hernandez: 11-5. I don't care. It's just nice to have football back this weekend.

Highlights, for me.

The Giants needed one quarter to remember that their primary goal is to cause Giants fans to poop ulcers. They won, but Eli Manning needs to stop looking like he'd rather be eating ice cream and watching Charly.

The debut of Aaron Rodgers in Green Bay. Replacing Brett Favre, he had a solid game and didn't look nervous in front of the Green Bay fans, who without the Packers would spend all their money on Oxycontin.

Tom Brady getting hurt. This greatly increases the chances of a Gisele Bundchen-related sex tape. Chances of Bridget Moynihan walking in and getting involved are still pretty slim, however.

Titans' quarterback Vince Young freaking out. His team won, beat a better Jacksonville team, but he's already buckling under pressure. I'm telling you it sounds sadistic it but there's a reason people slow down on the highway to check out car fires and pile-ups. We're looking for grisly stuff, too. Well, except Matthew McConaughey - he thinks to himself, "Saaaay...are there any sexy daymes I can res-cue?"

Lowlights:

The Jets/Dolphins game. It was absolutely excruciatingly boring to watch. Favre did well, Pennington did fine in his Miami debut, but the game was so poorly played. As the Jets did everything they could to hand the game away in the second half, I'll admit it was priceless seeing Favre's facial expression, which read: 'Wait...what the fuck is going on? What have I signed up for?'

Time Warner Cable: Still doesn't offer an NFL package, so if you love watching football, and don't want to watch the Jets, you...can go to a bar. Then you have to deal with a bunch of financial services pricks and their waify superficial girlfriends. Maybe that's because I live in the East Village.

Anyway, we'll be posting more while I figure out how to lodge a space bar up Hernandez's ass so he can still write coherent posts while his thumb's up there.

Keith's picks, Week 1

2008-09-07T09:15:00.000-07:00

Hey Hernandez - it's good to have you back in the fold. Nothing like a new football season and Sarah Palin's tits in fall. I can't wait till she breastfeeds during the debate:

I'll leave my pick discourse light this week, but here they are:

Giants (-4) over Redskins. Yes, I did pick this before it happened. Yes, Eli Manning will cause many heart attacks again this year - he threw one interception and should've thrown three more.

Jets (-3) over Dolphins. Once again, Chad Pennington will be trying to make the Jets lose, only this time he's in the wrong uniform.

Bengals (-1.5) over Ravens. Ravens QB Kyle Boller is out for the season. This is probably a good thing for Baltimore, but wait...nothing ever good happens to Baltimore.

Patriots (-15.5) over Chiefs. Really, Hernandez? the Chiefs? Sucker.

Steelers (-6.5) over Texans. I swear, I made these picks before I saw they all disagreed with Hernandez'. Early season buzz is that the Steelers are back, baby. I hate them, but they're always great at home, and they only have to win by a touchdown.

Jaguars (-3) over Titans. The Titans are a physical team with Lamar from 'Revenge of their Nerds' as their quarterback. Jacksonville's quarterback David Garrard is an enormous man who could eat the Titan's quarterback.

Lions (-1) over Falcons. Nobody cares.

Bills (-1) over Seahawks. Tim Russert was a Bills fan, so they should make the playoffs this year. It'd be the right thing to do.

Saints (-3) over Buccaneers. The Saints were amazing two years ago and pathetic-to-mediocre last year. Alcoholism skips generations, and I'm betting Saints football skips years.

Rams (+7.5) over Eagles. Fuck the Eagles. I used to root for this team. The Rams are much better than last year, when their entire offensive line was injured.

Cowboys (-5.5) over Browns. Jessica Simpson is my favorite player on either side.

Chargers (-9.5) over Panthers. LT, LT, LT. LT. Gonna eat a BLT during this one and listen to Public Image, LTD.

Cardinals (-2.5) over 49ers. Yawn.

Colts (-9.5) over Bears. I hope this one turns out the other way. But have you been to Indianapolis? There's nothing else going for that city. Not even the speedway.

Vikings (+2.5) over Packers. I like Adrian Peterson for all the reasons that Hernandez doesn't. I'm also rooting against Aaron Rodgers because you'd have to be a fool to step into Brett Favre's shoes.

Raiders (+3) over Broncos. I can't stand the Broncos, probably because of their insufferable coach Mike Shanahan. Plus, the Raiders are true scum - they may up and mass murder one of their opponents one week. That'd be news.

I Am Indeed Ready For Some Football

2008-09-04T09:12:00.001-07:00

Tis the season to be jolly, because it's finally the season to watch grown men beat the ever-lovin' shit out of each other on the gridiron again. Fuck off and die, baseball!

Our 3 readers have probably noticed this blog has been dormant lately following a scintillating start. But don't blame Keith. He probably would've popped his head up more often if I had been around to give him good ideas to steal. Unfortunately I've been mostly unavailable in recent weeks because of three people: Barack Obama, John McCain and my new daughter. Now none of them are getting my vote in November.

(Interesting factoid: Little Cocaine was juuust edged out by Sarah Palin for the veep spot, on account of the fact that her tits aren't as big as the governor's. Someday sweetie, someday.)

So, yeah... about the blog. Football and the Premiership are underway, hockey and hoops are just around the corner, and even boring ass baseball is entering the only 6 weeks of the year it can consistently hold my interest. So we here at I'm Keith Hernandez are ready to kick it into another gear. Or at least first gear, considering we've been idling for two months now.

IKH v2.0 is primed for the real sports season to start, beginning with tonight's NFL opener starring my World Champion New York Football Giants in the role of a bullet, and the Washington Redskins in the role of Sean Taylor's femoral artery. Keith and I are real men who have decided to do weekly picks this year. Hopefully we'll be able to come up with some meaningful stakes over drinks some night at IKH's Manhattan outpost. Until then you'll just have to settle for amazing insight, wisdom and dick jokes. And now the picks!

Giants (-4) over Redskins

If this line were 20 I'd still take the G-Men, who will crush the Native American pussies by three scores. Hard as it is to believe, Washington was actually a playoff team last year. How did that happen? I have no idea. This team sucks, the QB sucks, and with a new head coach and offensive system, they will be even worse this year. Jason Taylor should be an upgrade over the dead Sean Taylor, but not by much. Giants, meanwhile, will roll to a second straight Super Bowl title.

(Ed note: This was obviously written before Thursday's game. While I was wrong about it being a blowout, anyone who saw it knows who dominated the game. Also, I still got the pick right, and I'm an honest guy to boot for not changing my post after the fact. Top that, bitch.)

Dolphins (+3) over Jets

Miami will play its ass off at home for Parcells. Hell, they even played their asses off last year when they were going nowhere. I see them as being a semi-sleeper this year. Not sleeper playoff caliber, but sleeper 8-8.

Favre will make the Jets better, but only by a little. NY spent a buttload of cash on old and washed up players (Faneca, Woody, Jenkins) and another guy who has never proven anything in the league (Calvin Pace.) Their top pick, Vernon Gohlston, is an athletic freak who doesn't know how to play football. Same thing with their top pick from two years back, D'Brickashaw Ferguson, who despite his amazing name is as soft as a tampon. I love hating the Jets.

Ravens (+1.5) over Bengals

Speaking of soft, meet the Cincinnati Bengals. For a team of world class criminals and scumbags, you'd think they would play tougher. I guess they save it for their women. They'll dissapoint again this year.

Every year I expect the Ravens to slip, and they have to a degree, but that D is always tough, and I have no doubt in my mind if these two teams were cellmates, the Bengals would be the ones taking it up the ass.

Chiefs (+15.5) over Patriots

Chiefs will suck again, but this spread is too big for Week 1, when most teams are still working out the kinks and don't play sharp. Also, this isn't last year. Giants shattered the cloak of invincibility, and New England has a terrible secondary. The Pats will win their division again, but they're going to have to win a lot of shootouts to get there.

Texans (+6.5) over Steelers

Pittsburgh's offensive line isn't what it once was, and Big Ben is bound to get hurt again. Seems like they were doing it with smoke and mirrors last season. Call it a hunch, but I see them tailing off a bit this year.

Texans could be improved. I like Schaub (if he stays healthy) and their receivers, and Mario Williams is the real deal. I have witnesses who heard me trash Reggie Bush before the draft, and I love shoving it in their faces.

Jaguars (-3) over Titans

Titans are a solid, physical team, but the Jags are for real and will win it by at least a touchdown.

Lions (-1) over Falcons

Jesus - who fucked the Football God's wife? Fess up, because the rest of us don't deserve this crap.

Bills (-1) over Seahawks

I hate everything about those frontrunning, glass-jawed Seahawks. Can't win on the road, and they play in the worst division in football. Also, Matt Hasselbeck's sister-in-law is The View's Elizabeth Hasselbeck, whose company I had the distinct displeasure of being in a few days ago. Whereas in the past she was just some idiot TV conservative who I mostly ignored (but wouldn't mind fucking), now she may be my most hated person on the planet (who I'd definitely still fuck.) I'll explain more another day.

Bills are going to sneak up on people like OJ surprised Ron and Nicole.

Saints (-3) over Buccaneers

Don't like either team, but New Orleans' O is going to be good. Hope you tear an ACL Shockey.

Eagles (-7.5) over Rams

The Eagles are the most overrated team in football, but these are the Rams we're talking about, playing on the road in front of the crazed hordes of subhuman lowlifes that fill whatever they call that stadium that isn't the Vet. Philly gets to feel good for one week at least.

Cowboys (-5.5) over Browns

My hatred of the Boys is overwhelming, so I'll bite my tongue.

Panthers (+9) over Chargers

LaDanian Tomlinson will come back to earth this year, Philip Rivers is a cunt, and Steroid Boy Shawn Merriman is hurt. The Whale's Vagina are a fashionable Super Bowl favorite, but this spread is too big. Plus, I love Jake the Snake.

(BTW, if anyone ever calls Tomlinson LT on this site, there will be hell to pay. I don't feel the need to explain why.)

Cardinals (-2.5) over 49ers

Arizona has talent, but they'll do something to fuck things up before it's all said and done. Still, I'll take them this week over the suck-ass San Franciscans.

Colts (-9.5) over Bears

Do I have to say anything other than Kyle Orton?

Packers (-2.5) over Vikings

Green Bay will survive the exodus of St. Brett because the rest of the team is better than people think. I'm actually rooting for Aaron Rodgers just to spite all of the Favre ass kissing. Also, I'm not sold on the Vikes. Tavaris Jackson is a complete enigma, and Adrian Peterson is being crowned waaay too soon. He's based his whole reputation on like 5 good games last year. The rest of the time he was either average or injured. Can't explain why I don't like him - I just don't.

Raiders (+3) over Broncos

Denver is another team I have an irrational hatred of. I just spent a week there, and honestly, it's a shitty city. Sure, the mountains are beautiful and all, but here's the dirty little secret about Denver - it's not actually IN the mountains! It's on the high plains NEAR the Rockies, but as for the actual city, it may as well be Indianapolis with a pretty backdrop. What does this have to do with football? Nothing. But I hate Jay Cutler and Mike "The Most Overrated Coach in the NFL" Shanahan, and I like to see dirtbags like Oakland beat up on pretty boys like the Broncos. So there.

Your move Keith.

WHY I WATCH THE OLYMPICS

2008-08-15T08:33:00.001-07:00

Top photo is the Spanish tennis team. Bottom photo is the Spanish basketball team. Spanish fans are also notorious for making monkey noises at black soccer players. But it's OK; apparently it's just "cultural" and not racist. Thanks for clearing that up Pau Gasol!

WHY I DON'T WATCH THE OLYMPICS

2008-08-13T21:46:00.001-07:00

Expecting a rant? How about some pictures?

guest post!

2008-08-03T09:24:00.001-07:00

From my cousin Paul in Kansas City. Apparently the woeful Kansas City Royals tried to drum up attendance with a 'Christian Family Day'. Before you ask, yes, yes--Larry the Cucumber and Bob the Tomato from Veggie Tales *will* be there.

Here's Paul's take on the event. Oh, and this is posted without his consent. Sue me, cuz.

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Royals announce follow-ups to "Christian Family Night"

To overcome the limitations of a "small-market team," the Kansas City Royals have announced plans to use religion to try and crack some major markets in the world's population centers. The final home series of the year, against the Chicago White Sox, will include Hindu Spouse-Selection Night. Package deals are being sold throughout India and, by all accounts, the stadium will be filled, as will small, independently owned motels throughout the Midwest.

Baseball people haven't managed to get their game into the Olympics, but the Royals will be well-represented in Beijing later this month nevertheless, as they make final arrangements for Two Children Only Weekend, Sept. 5-7 against the Cleveland Indians.

Despite its restrictions on family size, China remains the world's biggest market, and the Royals will offer a variety of promotions during that series with the Indians.

Friday Sept. 5 will be Arranged-Adoption night. Families who give up a child to an adoptive family within the Royals Home Market region will receive two round-trip tickets from anywhere in China, two tickets to the game, and $40,000 under the table.

Saturday Sept. 6 will be abortion day. Families in China who choose to kill one of their children before its born will receive leftovers from T-Shirt Tuesdays throughout the season and an autographed, framed photo of Phill Kline. In addition, they will receive Buy One, Get One Free Certificates for any future Royals home game.

On Sunday Sept. 7, the Royals will recognize China's recent evolution from strict communism to a Godless authoritarian capitalistic system. This has been timed to coincide with the "Bodies Revealed" display leaving Kansas City after its run at Union Station. The "Bodies Revealed" show will be set up throughout Club Level concourses, where the displays can be enjoyed by fans 12 and under before and after the game. (Counseling will be available to tykes who find the program disturbing.)

Jay Ziegler

2008-08-01T17:29:00.000-07:00

I've never been to a playoff game. (I went to a hockey playoff game in the late '80s, but hockey doesn't count, because no one cares.)

Baseball is my favorite of the major sports, and I have yet to see a playoff game. I've had plenty of opportunities, geographically: Oakland in 1981 (with my favorite player of all time Rickey Henderson), St. Louis in 1985 and 1987 (with my other favorite player of all time, Willie McGee), and then New York in 1996, 1998, 1999, 2000, etc. etc. In 2006 when my Cardinals won the World Series I was offered free tickets in St. Louis -- all I had to do was get my ass out there. But ultimately I would've ended up watching the game with St. Louisans who were strangers. Instead I chose (correctly) to watch them win with the same New York-based Cardinals fans who I had drenched in champagne after knocking off the Mets two weeks earlier.

Outside of watching your team win playoff games, baseball, more than any other sport, celebrates records being broken. When McGwire, Sosa and later Bonds challenged the home run record, every at bat was live on ESPN. Anytime someone approaches a perfect game, there's an energy that completely overtakes the outcome of the game.

I remember when Dwight Gooden threw a no-hitter at Yankee Stadium in the mid-90's. The Yankees had sucked for over a decade, and it was a milestone. The only game I ever attended that was close to meaningful was as a kid in 1982, where Rickey Henderson was four stolen bases away from breaking the single-season record. He stole 3 in the first two innings, and for the rest of the game, the crowd was electric. They wanted to see history.

Late in the game, Rickey got on first base again. You would've thought Michael Jackson had come out into the stadium (remember, this is 1982), and the whole crowd wanted to see him tie the record. It was a blur to me -- Rickey took off for second, got thrown out, probably by a country mile, but the fans wouldn't hear it. Rickey was in Oakland and he was *safe*.

For the next 30 minutes I heard 35,000+ people chant BULLSHIT-BULLSHIT. As a 10-year old, that's incendiary. I hadn't even seen Animal House yet.

After the game, it was customary for A's fans to come out to the player's parking lot and sign autographs, and there were hundreds and hundreds of people screaming for Rickey Henderson. I know athletes are considered A+ celebrities in 2008, but in 1982 it wasn't the case. And I forgive my father for never taking me to a playoff game after agreeing to wait behind the stadium for two hours for Rickey's emergence.

It turns out that they brought Rickey back on to the field, drove him across the diamond, and had his ghetto-ass sports car waiting for him on the other end. I don't know how word got around, but there would be no Rickey.

It doesn't matter who's winning or losing at games like that. I have no idea who won that game. It's true of every sport that when games truly matter, the energy is in the finish. But that's one of the things that makes baseball such an incredible sport -- there are so many other moments that carry weight and significance.

Right now, there's a pitcher on the Oakland A's named Jay Ziegler. He's 28 years old, drafted in the 31st round. He's a nobody, and was never supposed to be particularly good. When he was 23 and in the minor leagues, a line drive smacked off his head and fractured his skull. His doctor told him never to pitch again.

Four years later, he was just playing catch before a game, or during a workout, and someone ran in front of the ball, tipped it, and it hit his skull and fractured it *again*. That's freak, struck-by-lightning while getting shark-attacked odds. But he came back from both of those, and joined the A's last year.

Since he's joined them, he's pitched 30 innings. And he has not given up a single run. By doing so, he broke a 100-year old record. And it's still going.

This weekend the mediocre A's are playing the Red Sox in Boston, the most rabid baseball crowd I've ever witnessed. To walk out into storied Fenway Park as the enemy, and to have accomplished something that hasn't been done in 100 years is off the map.

This is why I love baseball.

It's Ba-ack!

2008-07-24T19:58:00.000-07:00

Not me, football. And not a moment too soon.

I've come out of my sports deprivation-induced coma to post because the World Champion New York Football Giants reported to training camp today, marking the official start of the NFL season. And yes sports nerds, I realize the Skins reported earlier this week, but they don't count, even with the wildly overrated Jason Taylor. Don't get me started on that guy. I have no respect for anyone who doesn't want to play for Bill Parcells.

Anyway, the Giants are back following a somewhat tumultuous offseason that saw them lose starters Michael Strahan, Kawika Mitchell, Gibril Wilson and now Jeremy Shockey. Let's address that last one, as it seems to be big news around the watercooler these days. Which is a crock of shit, because there hasn't been an office where people actually gather around a watercooler since 1971.

I hate to break it to all the meatheads with their Shockey jerseys - and there are A LOT of you - but this is a good trade. For both teams. The Saints get an enormously talented tight end with a chip on his shoulder and something to prove, and the Giants get rid of a selfish, me-first player who would've wrecked their locker room. So it should be smiles and blowjobs all around in New Jersey and New Orleans. Hey Drew Brees, show us your tits!

Shockey is a good player who never lived up to the hype. He's good for one highlight reel catch per game to go along with one killer drop per game. And that's only when he's healthy and on the field, which isn't often enough. He's a really underrated blocker, but he consistently runs horrible routes. You catch the drift? You have to take the good with the bad when it comes to Shockey, and the good isn't good enough when he's openly fighting with the GM, the coach and various teammates. He obviously only cares about himself and his numbers, and so I bid a not so fond farewell. Actually, I did it in person because I was there when Shockey broke his leg against Washington in Week 15 last year - what turned out to be his last game as a Giant. I can't believe I'll have a chance to not tell my son about that one day.

One thing I definitely WILL miss about The Shocker is his legendary wit and wisdom. I imagine the formica countertop in his double-wide trailer in Ada, Oklahoma, was something of an Algonquin Round Table of the Plains.

Who can forget Shockey's greatest hits from his six years with the Giants? There was the time he talked to a journalist about how he wanted to have a three-way with a mother and daughter. I think he was talking about Lisa and Brittny Gastineau, the ex-wife and daughter, respectively, of former NFLer and steroid freak Mark Gastineau. At least I hope he was talking about them, because you know they'd both do anal.

There was also the time he said he'd never be comfortable having a gay teammate. It's understandable - the temptation is just too great. Then he called Coach Coughlin an ass. Well, a spade is a spade, right? And let's not overlook when he called Parcells a homo. That may not have been technically true, but it was still funny as fuck.

Last but not least, he brought the comedy on the field too. Remember when he thought the Giants had kicked the game-winning field goal on the last play of regulation against the Seahawks in 2005? Awesomeness.

Bezbol been berry berry bad to me

2008-07-22T20:43:00.001-07:00

It was an asshole casserole for Hernandez's team and mine last night in bezbol. Both against heated division rivals. Both at home. Both with our best starting pitchers on the mound.

The Mets blew a 5-2 lead by giving up 6 runs in the top of the 9th to the Blunts, and the Cardinals gave up 3 in the last few frames to lose to the Brewers, (whom we'll come back to.) I'm pissed, but Hernandez is screaming, jumping up and down & beating his head with a Nerf bat. And really, he should be. Firebeaner Billy Wagner was nursing a twisted sister and could only helplessly watch as his bullpen teammates gave a huge lead away. It just hurts...right here.

These games, pretty damn crucial, were failures, but more. They were cosmically linked. A multi-dimensional* triangle with the 2006 NLCS Series between the Cardinals and the Mets. (*Multi-dimensional can mean 'two-dimension'.) Jeff Suppan pitched against the Cards last night (for the Brewers) and against the Mets (for the Cards) in 2006. Jeff Suppan homered off Steve Trachsel in Game and shut the team down in Game 7 in Shea. Some sort of retribution was being doled out by an unseen force through the dull, balding spectral that is Jeff Suppan. He pitched pretty good last night.

Back in New York, they were beat yet again by Pokemon character So Taguchi (well, he actually tied it). The last time So Taguchi stung the mets? Oh, that's right, my friend, Game 2, 2006. Homered! Against? Billy Wagner!

And do you know how I know this? Because I'm Keith Fucking Hernandez.

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Back to the Brewers', they have made a couple big moves recently, first acquiring last year's AL Cy Young winner CC Sabathia and just yesterday picked up 2b Ray Durham from the Giants, who's one of the better-hitting second basemen in the National League. These Brewers are serious. They're probably losing a couple of their best players next year for salary reasons, and they want to win now. And I kinda hope it happens, because that means the Chicago Cubs blew it again. On their 100th anniversary, when everybody's picking them. I would laugh all winter long.

And if they don't win this year, their fans are going to be miserable. 100 years of failure. Next year, Alfonso Soriano's song as he walks to the plate will be 'One Hundred Years' by the Cure, which is a mopey one. Cubs fans will be truly, truly miserable. They will have seen, held and known true failure.

And then, you know, we can ask them what it feels like. And then make fun of them.

Queen Bay Packers

2008-07-19T02:31:00.000-07:00

If you're a football fan, or a breathing human being, you've probably heard that Brett Favre is considering un-retiring and wants to come back to play another year, because he's a media whore.

Brett Favre is an excellent quarterback, and had a great season last year. And at his Wilford Brimley-esque age, he's still probably a better quarterback than their other option, Aaron Rodgers. I asked a friend what he thought about Favre coming back, and he wrote this:

"I think the whole situation has gotten completely out of control. both he and the Packers are playing right into the media's hand and they are running wild with the story. i can understand the Packers being tired of his yo-yo act...am i retiring or not...but after the season that he had last year i think they should take him back. when he is there you know you have a championship caliber QB playing all 16 games. Rodgers has been injured 2x in the limited time he has played. i also don't see Rodgers getting them to the big dance or at least to the NFC Championship game this year like Favre did last year. either way...i hope they figure it out soon. i'm tired of hearing about it all. "

And so am I. Maybe he's an attention-loving douchebag because he was in "There's Something About Mary" ten years ago, but just because the media gets their diapers in a bunch over you doesn't mean football fans do.

There have also been rumors that he may go to the Vikings or Bears, who are the Packers' hated rivals. Wow. If he pulled that noose around his neck, he'd deserve it. Very few sports fans are dedicated like the Cheeseheads. If I were a defensive lineman for the Packers, I'd take the late-hit 15-yard penalty on every single play.

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Apparently other Americans feel differently. Lady and gentlemen, feast your ears upon the best Queen cover band working in our nation. They're called The Bohemian Rhapsody Orchestra, and the lead singer is a dead ringer for the guy deep in Queens who does the art detail on your shitty van. But miraculously he sounds just like Freddie Mercury.

(Which reminds me--I just watched a Journey concert on VH1 Classic with their new lead singer. He sounds *just* like Steve Perry. It's scary, and eventually depressing, because I now realize that Journey will keep playing 'Open Arms' until I turn 45.)

Anyway, it turns out that this particular Freddie Mercury grease monkey who fronts the BRO is a hu-uge Green Bay Packers fan. And he shows it off in embarrassing detail.

On their myspace page, listen to the 4th song -- 'We Will Rock You GB Packers'. I wish I were lying, but the first line is "BUDDY YOU'RE A MAN NAMED BRETT FAVRE..." There's more, but my laughing drowned it out.

The line between utter stupidity and genius is thin, and probably curvy. The Bohemian Rhapsody Orchestra tap dance back and forth over this line like a drunk driver blowing .025. Enjoy.

Thoughts on the All-Star Game, pt 2

2008-07-15T20:17:00.000-07:00

You've been warned.

So here's where baseball got better. They get more old-school players to show up than the Oscars ever could. For a baseball fan, that's huge. They lined up a few hall-0f-famers at every position, than sent out the players from every league who got voted in. And in a situation like that, you can pretty much tell who a fan of the game is from their facial expression meeting their heroes at their position.

My boy Ozzie Smith was one of the 5 shortstops who showed up. Ozzie belongs there--he's the best shortstop of my lifetime, and also played for my hometown team. He's also a prick. I met him. By telling you that he couldn't get access to the excl-Jew-sive St. Louis Country Club after he had become the most popular St. Louisan says more about me than you.

The introduction of the players continues. Say what you will about the Yankees fans, but they know when to clap or boo. Perfect example: They introduce catcher Gary Carter, who got elected into the Hall of Fame as a Montreal Expo. But the fuckin car-ass dealer that he is, he brings a Mets hat, and tries to pretend he's a Mets man. Fails. Next catcher introduced? Yogi Berra. The most beloved living Yankee of all time. If Lou Gehrig had survived, Yogi would still be the one. If Babe Ruth were still alive, Paris Hilton would be pregnant with fatties.

National Anthem: Sheryl Crow. Bad choice. The 52-year old men who watch this game deserve some masturbation fuel. And so do I, but Jesus, I'll admit to liking a Joni Mitchell song or two on a polygraph, but not her outfit or veiny hands. Were you formally a nurse? Did you give up on men because men-o-paused? Your secret is safe with me.

Thoughts on the All-Star Game, pt 1

2008-07-15T19:36:00.000-07:00

The 3-day All Star Game breakdown in baseball is the worst 72 hours of the year for a sports fan. There's nothing. A ghost town in a menage a trois with a sad clown and roadkill. Episodes of Sports Center directed by Ingmar Bergman. Filling-less Twinkies.

Football fans are rabid at the mouth as they enter their 6th month of drought. Hockey fans swelter in the heat and dream about warm fuzzy nights in the belly of a Ton-ton. Basketball fans carjack, having nowhere to drive, and not being able to afford these gas prices.

You'd think that baseball fans would be excited that they have the only show in town. And this year, it's quite the show. The All-Star game is here at Yankees Stadium in the last year of its existence. Baseball's on the stage!

But no. It doesn't work that way. This break sucks ass because in the immortal waste of a spring and summer, baseball starts getting exciting in the third week of June. And the momentum builds and builds and builds, and then *pop*...everything shuts down for the media.

Monday night it was the home run derby. Josh Hamilton from Texas, an ex-heroin addict (thank you ESPN for injecting that factoid into my skull) hit 28 home runs in the qualifying round. He ended up losing to his co-finalist Jeremy Morneau, who sounds like a French-Canadian prodigy but actually waited on you at Waffle House 8 years ago, Morneau won 5-3. But what in the Hall of Crapjacks is Yankee Stadium doing, selling tickets like it's armajetergeddon. $100 was the lowest price you could buy for the bleachers. I read that somewhere.

The truly telling moment is the contrast in Hamilton and Morneau's faces while they're vying for the final round. They're saving humanity, growing paddle-like appendages to scoop up babies. They're human soup-kitchens.

And right before the final round, they're asked to hit a home run for some random fan who won some online entry contest. He's out on the field, making love with his suckitude, sucking up to Hamilton and Morneau.

As you might've guessed, neither guy hit the homer. Hamilton was high at that point, I'm pretty sure. He's excused.

Morneau, in his defense, really tried. He took six pitches before swinging, as if to say "I'm gonna win this mofo a car and get my baby-saving paddles back." But he didn't.

It seems that the multi-millionaire players of today care less about the fans. To which I say: Fans? stop spending $100 and up to go to a fuckin home run derby that no one cares about. Well, except ESPN, who pisses their pants about it. But who's in the pants? Who's in the pants, All Stars? We are. Wet us with your All-Star urine. That shit can't even get us pregnant.

Why We Love Keith Hernandez, Part 3

2008-07-11T07:00:00.001-07:00

Keith Hernandez is a bad ass. He almost came to blows with Mets shortstop Jose Reyes last week. On the team plane.

"According to one account, strongly denied by both Reyes and Hernandez, what set Reyes off during the flight was when Hernandez allegedly responded to Reyes’ concerns by saying: 'I was just doing my job - you should do yours.'"

Supposedly, Keith quit cocaine in the 1980s. I don't see it.

Why We Love Keith Hernandez, Pt. 2

2008-07-10T20:28:00.000-07:00

Mets announcers Gary Cohen, Keith Hernandez and Ron Darling have a charity named garykeithandron. They talked about it during last night's Mets/Giants game because they have some sort of fundraising event in Brooklyn over All-Star weekend, and Hernandez (the real one) can't make it.

Here's his explanation - verbatim - for not being able to attend his own charity's fundraiser:

Maybe if I lived in the city I'd come, but I'm not driving 90 miles each way for THAT!

Keith Hernandez is Godlike.

Cardinals/Mets, game 3

2008-07-02T17:45:00.000-07:00

Hernandez has dropped by the Keith compound to watch a Cardinals/Mets game, live from St. Louis, which is going to be underwater soon. Nothing is more fascinating than baseball commentary, so we'll just make random observations and probably end up insulting the hell out of each other.

8:10 p.m. KEITH: Apparently the Mets make the most inexperienced guy on their squad carry a pink 'Hello Kitty' backpack to the dugout. Hernandez wonders what's in it. I'm guessing Pedro's midget.

8:36 p.m. KEITH: The immortal Pedro Martinez just gave up a 3-run homer to Troy Glaus, the Cardinals new 3rd baseman. In case you weren't aware, I'm a Cardinals fan and Hernandez a Mets fan.

The homer was followed by a single. Pedro looks like someone pooped in his Hello Kitty bag.

9:08. Hernandez ain't typin, but he's talking funny shit. He just had a baby, and he's talking about how he's already watched 'Grindhouse' with her. Remember this post in 16 years when she hacks up your neighbor.

9:25. Rain delay. Hernandez correctly calls that they're switching to 'Beer Money', which he wrote about here. We're trying to figure out how to get co-host Julie over here. Hernandez: 'She got the platinum pussy'.

9:35. Still Julie.

K: (nodding) "She's kind of a bitch."

H: (nodding) "Yeah....I love her.

Julie is Julie Alexandria. Hur-aRRRRRRrrrrrrrrr. (Did I spell that right?)

Hernandez: "She's a Jew from Queens. That's what she is."

10:00. Rain is over! We watched three episodes of 'Yacht Rock'. It holds up.

10:15. Uh-oh. hernandez found the heroin. We'll try this again some other time...

Why We Love Keith Hernandez, Pt. 1

2008-07-02T12:44:00.000-07:00

An exchange from last night's Mets/Cardinals game in St. Louis:

{***Fade in from commercial break to shot of woman in stands wearing green cap***}
Gary Cohen: And who might that lovely lady be?
Keith Hernandez: Why that would be my youngest daughter Mary. She lives in Denver but she's in town for a wedding.
{***Mary picks up HUGE fucking beer and begins drinking***}
Keith Hernandez: Oh, look at that - she's pounding a cold one! The apple doesn't fall far from the tree I guess.
Gary Cohen: No, it doesn't.

And...scene.

What'd I Miss?

2008-06-30T08:34:00.000-07:00

Keith is celebrating a birthday today, and our beloved Cardinals and Mets start a four-game series in St. Louis tonight. Coincidence? Totally.

In lieu of a more original topic to post about, I'll just give my thoughts on everything I've missed in the Wide World of Sports since I last contributed two weeks ago. (Where was I? You don't need to know. Just be happy I'm back.)

Willie Randolph Fired: It happens to even the best of managers. Willie was not one of the best. You do the math. Maybe 3am in the hotel is a little callous, but I'm with Keith on this one - there was definitely some fucking involved.

Celtics Win Title: Glad Kobe and his gutless sidekicks didn't win, but hate the C's, so probably a wash. The fact that L.A. rolled over in Game 6 and took it up the pooper like the girl Kobe raped in Colorado only added to the frustration. And Keith had it right again when he said KG's victory speech sounded forced. I'll add phony, staged and insincere to that characterization. I've never been a KG guy, and the interview with Michelle Tafoya only solidifies my feelings. Glad you finally got a ring because you were lucky enough to play with a real superstar, douche! It makes me angry that he's going to be a Hall of Famer.

NBA Draft: Two white guys went in the top 6. Not a good omen for a Knicks fan like myself, since one (or maybe both) of Gallinari and Love won't pan out. But my dad doesn't really consider Italians white, so maybe there's hope for us yet.

Shaq-Fu: His freestyle rap was the greatest sports moment of 2008 after the Giants winning the Super Bowl. "Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes" is the stuff of legend. It will be remembered for years to come. My favorite part - and something that didn't get as much ink - was when he called out Kobe for talking about Shaq fucking around on his wife:

"I'm a horse. Kobe ratted me out, that's why I'm getting
divorced. He said Shaq gave a bitch a mil. I don't do that cuz my
name's Shaquille. I love 'em, but don't leave 'em. I got a vasectomy, now I can't breed 'em."

This story is 100% true, so there's yet another reason to hate Kobe. He destroys teammates, coaches, hotel workers, and now marriages. Snitches get stitches, bitch. (I could go on all day about this. Another great line was, "That's like Patrick Ewing having more rings than me." Remember, Shaq performed this rap in a NYC club. Cojones!)

Spain Wins Euro 08: Yay, the filthy Spaniards didn't choke this time! I believe Keith called this, or maybe he had Portugal. Same difference. Anyway, fantastic tournament. Extremely competitive, action-packed, well paced schedule to keep momentum going, a handful of incredible matches, and totally hot fans. Couldn't ask for more.

Shawn Chacon Goes Off: Awful, unforgivable and a horrible example to kids. Also, awesome! More players should do this to coaches and general managers, cuz it's hella fun to talk about. BTW, is Chacon white, black or Hispanic? I've never been able to tell.

Strahan Retires: This is serious. No jokes. Strahan is the second best Giant of all time behind LT, and the best defensive lineman of his generation. He was arguably the best defensive PLAYER of his generation. Even though he's a media favorite playing in New York, I still don't think he ever got the credit he deserved. (I believe Favre's fake sack to set the single-season record hurt him in this regard.) The key is he was equally dominant against the pass AND the run - something pricks like Simeon Rice and John Randall could never quite grasp. And he kept it up right until the end. Amazing competitor. In my opinion the recent d-line lineage goes from Reggie White to Bruce Smith to Michael Strahan. No one else is even close.

NHL Free Agency: I know Keith is eagerly anticipating talking about this, but it'll have to wait until later this week. Sorry bro! Just be warned that if the Rangers lose either or both of Jagr and Avery I'm burning this whole town down.

Wimbledon: Apart from the serious snatch in the women's bracket, Federer/Nadal is the only thing in tennis worth watching. Since that hasn't happened yet I haven't bothered with it.

Simmons' Sendoff To Leitch: I can't find the link, but you should get off your lazy ass and find it on Deadspin.

Subway Series: I was at Shea on Saturday afternoon, and I've come to the conclusion that black people not only do not play baseball anymore, they don't actually LIKE baseball either. Crowd was 85% white and 15% Latino (although how many of them were actually friends and relatives of Mets players is undetermined.) Strange. I felt like I was watching a game in St. Louis or something. Except we booed both teams. Take that Midwest faggots! As for the game, it was staggeringly boring. I'm proud to say I left during a sixth-inning rain delay.

The timing for this blog is all wrong, because we're in the worst part of the year sportswise. All we really have is baseball right now, along with the occasional World Cup qualifier and the MLS. I'm dying. Pre-season football cannot get here fast enough.

RANDOLPH UPDATE

2008-06-27T07:09:00.001-07:00

Looks like Willie Randolph already has his next job lined up.

Where's Hernandez? (Part 2)

2008-06-26T21:15:00.000-07:00

More bez-bol:

Pitcher Shawn Chacon, current Astro who pitched for the Yankees not 24 moons ago strangled his General Manager and threw him to the floor. Who said Communism was dead?

Oh, and for fun: baseball, as we know, is not taken so seriously by the Europeans. Read the same release per Reuters UK. And then right after the baseball part, read the shooting part in the voice of John Cleese, please. Report back on your results.

(Hernandez, I hope your daughter recognizes what a talent I am.)

Where's Hernandez? (Part 1)

2008-06-26T20:36:00.001-07:00

Ok, so much is happening, and I was hoping Hernandez would crawl out from the eternal diaper and speak about some of it. Instead, I'll have to invoke his presence, sucking it out of the ether like the devil inside fish.

In Bez-bol:

The Mets "fired" Willie Randolph in a hotel room at 3:15 in the morning by General Manager Omar Minaya. Riiiiight. Omar came to Willie's hotel room at 3 in the morning to talk about work? I don't think so.

Here's how the conversation went.*

Willie: What...mmph...is that a feather duster?
Omar: Sweep for me, Oprah!
Willie: (mutters) Quit touchin' me, old man, I ain't that kind of...
Omar: Beg for your supper!
Willie: WTF? Get off me, motherfucker!
Omar: (pants)
Willie:
Omar:
Willie: Fuck man, I quit! I quit.
Omar: (stops panting)
Willie: (pants still off)
Omar: well..
Willie: Well what?!?
Omar: don't look at me--oh god--i told myself I wasn't gonna do this---
Willie: Omar...
Omar: no no no don't stop me, I deserve it....
Willie: listen, listen listen. no don't pick at that, it'll just bleed again! listen, man.
Omar: no no no...you don't understand...
Willie: understand what?
Omar: I get to fire you.
Willie: (pants on)
Omar: I get to fire you!
Willie: What...
Omar: Fired! Fired fired fired! Fi-red! Red fi!
Willie: Shit...
Omar: (pants)
Willie: Do I get unemployment?

Or something like that...

*The surveillance van smells like Hernandez + cat piss.

------------------------------------

HOCKEY/BASKETBALL

------------------------------------

Center Martin Straka of the New York Rangers decided he was headed back to his Czech homeland. And in the NBA draft, the Knicks selected Italian forward Danilo Gallinari.

Girls, this is a GREAT trade.

Gallinari:

Straka:

this past week in sports

2008-06-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

For the last two months all I've been watching are basketball playoffs and the Euro 2008 soccer tournament. As has been discussed, I'm extremely happy to see Paul Pierce (and now, to a lesser extent, Kevin Garnett) finally win a ring. Garnett didn't show up in the final round vs. the Lakers until Game 6, so at least he avoids a legacy as a complete choke artist, but he made up for it with his completely unintelligible postgame interview with Michelle Tafoya, where he broke into this caterwauling Native-American mushmouthed tongue. You could see Michelle Tafoya's life flashing before her eyes as she asks inane question after question when all Kevin Garnett's eyes are saying are "Hulk SMASH! So Sad, Now Happy! Want Sex!" Sure enough, he returns to English briefly to compliment Tafoya on how nice she looks.

Paul Pierce's moment was much more genuine. I say the city of Boston gives him free rein this summer to go around stabbing whoever he likes. He's a hero.

Nevertheless, those damn things take forever. The Celtics played their first playoff game on April 20th, and their 27th and final on June 17th. Jesus Beezus. It's like watching a marathon, but no one's allowed to run, only sashay. At least in Stephen King's short story "The Long Walk" contestants get shot as they bow out. Unfortunately, in the NBA this only happens in the offseason.

Whereas the Euro 2008 soccer tournament has featured some great nail-biting matches, all in the span of a few weeks. This weekend saw four tight quarterfinal matches, three going to extra time and two ending in penalty kicks. There's so much to love about this game -- no commercials, no timeouts. You can watch with your significant other because soccer players have pretty hair and run around in shorts. And in the elimination rounds of tournament play, obviously there are no ties. Penalty kicks are gut-wrenching at the end of a match. And while you don't see it on the field, I'm pretty sure there are shootings. And when Turkey eventually loses, waterboarding.

So do yourself a favor and watch the semifinals this week and/or the Final on Sunday. Especially if Spain plays Germany in the final, because the Spanish are so frickin' tiny; in comparison to the Germans it will look truly bizarre. I wonder if the Oompa-Loompas were good at soccer. And now that I think about it, it's funny that I say "were" as if there used to be Oompa-Loompas but aren't anymore. Or they just quit playing soccer, and decided being slaves in a factory was a better gig.

Btw, when the f is someone gonna make the movie about 'Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator?, the superior Roald Dahl sequel to Chocolate Factory? If you're not dying to see the horrifying vision of Charlie's grandparents turn from seniors into babies in the matter of minutes, and then watch Charlie and Wonka go to Minusland to rescue Grandma Georgina, or see the creatures that frightened me as a child more than anything, the Vermicious Knids, the stoned kid in you is dead.

Tigerbomb

2008-06-18T20:52:00.000-07:00

Poor little Tiger Woods is out for the rest of the PGA season because of knee surgery. We're supposed to believe he has a torn ACL in his knee, which he supposedly suffered last year, and not one, but TWO fractures to his tibia supposedly suffered last month. But somehow he managed to gut out a classic, nearly superhuman victory in the U.S. Open.

Bull fucking shit.

Do he and his corporate pimps really think we're that stupid? (Don't answer that.) You couldn't walk with those injuries, let alone play golf competently.

But I guess it's working because all I hear about is how sad it is he won't be able to compete again this year, and how amazing it was for him to have won a tournament while enduring such horrific pain. Gosh, he's almost as brave as the soldiers in the Middle East. Lawdy Miss Clawdy - Tiger's done gone and given me the vapors again!

This whole story is a cover for the fact that random steroid testing in golf goes into effect, when exactly? Let me look it up. Oh right, it's supposed to go into effect NEXT MONTH! How convenient that Tiger won't be around to take those tests. Wake up suckers. Your hero is a pathetic, lying juicer.

It's as plain as day. He has roid rage on the course, he still has acne, and while everyone loves to do body comparison shots of young, skinny Barry Bonds with old, juiced up Barry Bonds - with good reason - has anyone besides me noticed how huge Tiger is now compared to a few years ago? It's amazing how much bigger he's gotten. I'm sure he has shrunken testicles too, as evidenced by the fact that he pays a Swedish swimsuit model to be his beard. Overcompensating much?

So yeah, remember where you first heard this when the shitstorm finally rains down.

One last thing: Fake knee injury or not, what the fuck is so impressive about Tiger's win this week? He needed to pull a series of miracle shots out of his ass on the last day of the tournament, plus an extra 19 holes to put away a never-was like Rocco Mediate. Doesn't that make the win LESS impressive? Rocco is ranked No. 135 in the world, has never won a major, and at age 45 would have been the oldest U.S. Open champion ever. If that bucktoothed pillow biter can't beat a guy like that he needs to find a better dealer.

All Arnold Palmer ever needed to dominate was beer and cigarettes, both of which he consumed while he was on the course. What's Tiger's excuse?

Celts Lakers Q3

2008-06-15T20:12:00.000-07:00

There is no way the Lakers should lose this game. PJ Brown is out to play defense to start the 2nd half. After an incendiary 2nd quarter, Paul Pierce's first touch of the 2nd half is at the 3 point line, and he's standing on the baseline and gets called out-of-bounds.

The starting lineup of the Celtics is asleep, but the Lakers are undead. This is what happens when you sell your soul to play with Kobe.

And I'm still picking the Lakers in this game. Here we go...

10:43 p.m. - Kevin Garnett drives to the lane and Kobe draws an offensive foul. Am I dreaming? This can't be happening.

10:45. Okay, back to reality. Gasol, a Spaniard, the Lakers' floppy Muppet scores to tie it and refuses to play defense. That's understandable -- él no tenía ninguna siesta.

10:52. Kobe gets called for ANOTHER offensive foul. Obama doesn't have a chance, does he?

10:53. Mark Jackson just name-checked Bill Wennington as a guy who knocked down big jump shots. Bill Wennington is the Grimace of basketball. Yet a second later, the Lakers are back up by 7. Be careful how and when you invoke Wennington -- he is a riddle wrapped inside a sausage patty wrapped inside an enigma.

10:58. They just showed David Spade in the Lakers' crowd celebrity montage pretending to be a celebrity. Funniest David Spade moment since his bodyguard kicked his ass a few years ago.

11:04. Boston's Sam Cassell misses a wide-open 3. Sam Cassell is the ugliest player in the NBA. If NBA players were Smurfs, Cassell wouldn't be Ugly Smurf - he'd be a smurf made out of reject Smurfs processed through that Play-Doh factory toy, which, on second thought, was like a rendering plant for kids.

11:09. Even though this is the NBA finals, and these are supposed to be the 2 best teams in the league, there are only two guys on the floor I wish were on the Knicks next year -- Lamar Odom and James Posey.

And that's the end of the third quarter. Lakers up by 9, and Paul Pierce looks like me after climbing the stairs to my 4th floor walkup. Happy Father's Day everyone. 4th quarter probably isn't worth watching...

LAKERS VS CELTICS, GAME 5, Q2

2008-06-15T19:09:00.000-07:00

End of first quarter: Lakers 39, Celtics 22.

Ok, there's no conspiracy. The Celtics just didn't show up. They're confident they're going to win at home in Game 6. Big mistake -- Boston has terrible tacos. Everyone eats burritos and think they're the shit. Uh--I got news for you guys...

(I ended up going with Tex-Mex - three Guaco Locos, one with chipotle chicken, two with pork pipian. If you come within 50 feet of me tomorrow, you've been warned.)

9:40. Doc Rivers is interviewed. He sounded really proud of his team's 22 point effort in the 1st quarter, despite getting pantsed by the Lakers. I should really skip the rest of this game. But that would mean...wait, don't go! You can have some of my tacos! That's it, amigo. Te quiero.

9:44. Celtics within 15. And Luke Walton is the white Rick Fox. Only one person will get that.

9:47. Phil Jackson puts in Chris Mihm, who hasn't played in weeks. For the Celtics, this is like being picked last at kickball, right after the kid in the wheelchair (Chris Mihm) who's popular because half the varsity basketball team is banging his hot trashy older sister. Phil Jackson is a prick. Let's go Celtics.

9:51. YES!

I got my tacos! I'll be back...

9:56. Kevin Garnett got charged with a bullshit foul, and Coach Van Gundy has been drinking the kool-aid. There was NO contact. Garnett goes to the bench with his third foul.

But the Celtics are fighting back -- Tony Allen, Pierce from 3 -- YES! these tacos are delicious! The guacamole makes the interior corn tortilla a little soggy, but the contrast between the yellow corn and the exterior white corn, with the guacamole buffer--it's the stuff of angels. I wouldn't lie to you.

10:03 p.m. God damn Sam Cassell. He couldn't hit a shot if it was in a shot glass stuffed between his stepdaughter's tits. Absolutely worthless.*

10:08. *Since I wrote this, the Celtics are sucking and back down 9. Sam, I apologize. You're a good Christian. Can I offer your sexy stepdaughter a frosty root beer?

10:09. Apparently so--Ray Allen hits a 3-pointer for the Celtics. I'm frosting my mug.

10:14. Back to basketball. We have a game - both teams are attacking on each possession. God that sounds so kinky! Damn you, Cassell!

10:15. And Paul Pierce, my man-crush, delivers a 3 to bring the deficit to 3 points at the half. We have a game...

LAKERS VS CELTICS, GAME 5

2008-06-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

Enough deep thinking. It's NBA time.

I haven't watched the NBA finals in a decade, but this game is exciting. The Western Conference has dominated the Finals since before Woody replaced Coach on Cheers. And tonight, everything can change -- the Celtics can clinch at home tonight.

The Celtics have been Sumo at home, stuffing every team with man-tits and boredom. But there's no way the Celtics can win tonight. The NBA is fixed like a Bob Barker dog, and they can't afford to watch the Celtics win tonight--that would cost them ad revenue for the next two games. Let's see what happens!

9:01 p.m. We see the announcers. Mark Jackson wears a light gray suit, while Coach van Gundy and play-by-play Mike Breen wear dark suits. White dudes at a funeral, black dude at a wedding. I'm just saying. This series looks like it's going back to Honkytown.

9:03 p.m. We see Celtics coach Doc Rivers playing nice with perennial Lakers fan Jack Nicholson, followed closely by Larry King manhandling 12-year olds. The message is sent -- a Celtics win tonight = molestation.

9:07 p.m. Opening tip.

9:09. Celtics down 5-0. My prediction? They'll never lead in this game. I want tacos anyway.

9:13. Here are my taco options. I can go real mexican - but the place I love closes at 8. There's usually a truck open until the late morning hours a few blocks away, but they're not reliable.

My tex-mex option: San Loco makes a tex mex taco, smothers the outside with guacamole and wraps it in a soft-taco shell. They're open late. Pricier, and am I really that hungry? Lakers 10-4.

9:15. Rajon Rondo misses his 2nd free throw. Mike Breen says 'in 'n' out' and damn, maybe I want a burger! I wish I was in LA right now.

I've never had an in 'n' out burger. Is it worth the airfare?

9:17. Lakers 18-5. This shit is according to script. M. Night Shyamalin is not amused.

9:23. Kobe Bryant is on fire. Sadly, this is a figurative statement. But Ray Allen hits a 3! This guy is a freak. I keep waiting for him to burst into ashes, rise like a phoenix and hand out Scientology brochures.

9:26. IKH pariah PJ Brown can't finish a layup. A closeup reveals he can't finish shaving either. He's worthless, and probably the father of my child.

9:27. Lakers 31, Celtics 15. I'm going hunting for food...

US Open

2008-06-15T18:20:00.000-07:00

Golf is an old man's game. On the masculinity scale, it ranks between bridge and writing letters to the editor of Readers Digest.

But Tiger Woods just sank a putt on the 18th green of the US open to force a sudden-death playoff. That sounds like Mary Poppins entertainment, but the amazing thing about Tiger is that he doesn't enjoy the game of golf. He only likes to win.

And the cool thing about golf sudden death is that it takes *hours*. He's a golf Stalin.

soccer = politics

2008-06-15T18:00:00.000-07:00

I speak for Hernandez when I say that we wish are friends weren't douchebags, aka, non-sports followers. This has been one of the most thrilling sports weeks since the Giants Super Bowl victory. It gets tiring saying, but soccer is the most popular sport in the world by a ridiculous margin, and the Euro 2008 cup is the 2nd most contentious tournament (to the World Cup). National pride is so much stronger during soccer matches than it is during any other sport because it's the great equalizer. USA media would have us believe it's the Olympics, but quite honestly, no one outside of Romania gives a shit about gymnastics.

When Germany played Poland earlier this week, emotions ran ridiculously high. 140 people were arrested. And it doesn't warrent saying why--we all know why.

This week, Tim Russert died suddenly of a heart attack. He was a nationally respected journalist, one of a kind. His loss is an utter tragedy.

Now you know what other nations feel like when they lose at soccer.

The Top 10 Fights in Professional Sports (Vol 2.)

2008-06-14T15:49:00.001-07:00

This may be the best topic for a post yet, but it's lessened because it's hard to find video of these fights. Copyright, schmopyright - gives us the goods you pricks! Who exactly is losing money off having this footage up on YouTube? It's not like any leagues are putting out fight compilation dvd's. I guess they're worried it paints their sport in a bad light, but fuck that noise. I'd be willing to bet there are more people who'd be inclined to watch a game after seeing some of these incidents than are turned off by them.

Anyway, here are a few picks. There are better ones for sure (Keith's are all fantastic), but I watched all of these except for No. 4 live, and I think they made a bigger impact on me because of it.

#7. Jeff Van Gundy humps Alonzo Mourning's leg

The second of the two Knicks/Heat brawls, this one in the 1998 playoffs, wasn't much of a fight (Grandmama and Zo attempted some kind of pussy, slapping routine that never got off the ground.) But this "fight" was notable for Van Gundy literally hanging off Mourning's leg like a little yappy dog after he fell down trying to break it up. Just one of the hundreds of reasons why I love Van Gundy.

#6. Ray Knight beats the shit out of Eric Davis

Man, I really wish there was video of this one! The dirtbag 1986 Mets were legendary for their on and off-field brawls. This was the best of the on-field ones. Davis slid hard into third and came up jawing with Knight. The two were nose to nose when Knight - a former Gold Gloves boxer - decked Davis with a perfect right cross. The melee that followed was classic. Players were actually fighting instead of just shoving. A group of Reds pitchers ganged up on Kevin Mitchell, easily the toughest guy on the field for either team, and he still managed to get his pound of flesh. That mofo is totally gangsta.

Indulge me a few interesting details about this game. Down 3-1 with two outs, nobody on in the top of the ninth, the Mets came back against then-Reds closer John Franco. The tying runs scored when Dave Parker dropped an easy pop fly hit by this blog's namesake. Pete Rose was Cincinnati's player/manager, and Davis was actually pinch running for him when the brawl started. Mets outfielder and huge cocksucker George Foster wrote his ticket out of town by being the only guy on either side to stay in the dugout during the fight. So many players were thrown out that Mets pitchers Roger McDowell and Jesse Orosco took turns alternating between the mound and the outfield; Howard Johnson was forced to play shortstop; and Gary Carter played third base for the first and only time in his career. HoJo won it with a three-run dinger in the 14th. What a game!

#5. Dan Cloutier beats the shit out of Tommy Salo

Hockey fights shouldn't be part of this list because they're their own separate category. And also because no one cares about hockey. But my last two picks are amusing as hell, so shut the fuck up. Cloutier is badass, and he owned that turtling pussy Salo.

#4. Mike Milbury beats a fan with his own shoe at MSG

This guy was and remains today one of the biggest pricks in sports, but you can't help but love this. It ties in nicely with Keith's pick of the Brawl at the Palace. Wait for it at the :30 second mark - No. 26 for the Bruins.

Celtics vs. Lakers, Game 4

2008-06-12T23:08:00.000-07:00

I was going to live blog this game, but I expected the Lakers to spank the Celtics, so I deferred. But after going ahead by 24 points, the Lakers folded, and the Celtics pulled off one of the greatest comebacks of all time.

Kobe Bryant is the most talented player in the NBA, but he is a complete asshole, an alleged rapist, and a terrible teammate. Years ago he decided he'd be an incorrigible fuckwad, and after winning three championships with Shaq, he decided that he had the skills to pay the bills.

So it's my pleasure to announce: Kobe Bryant, you are everything wrong with competitive sports. You're a shitheel. You will never, ever, ever win a championship again.

For a day, all is right in the world.

The Top 10 Fights in Professional Sports (Vol 1.)

2008-06-12T20:47:00.001-07:00

Professional athletes are mad crazy and dumb as hell. They pay publicists six figures to tell them to thank God, and they still can't pull it off. They're human beings drunk on adrenaline, and if they didn't punch each other I'd be suspicious.

So here's a list of my favorite all-time sports fights. I love the lists, but I gotta give Hernandez a chance to throw down, so I'll limit it to my top three.

#3. Ron Artest jumps into the crowd and punches a fan.

We all know psychopaths. They feed off adrenaline and forget to take their meds, and bad stuff/good entertainment happens. When some dude from Detroit decided that death-row All-Star Ron Artest needed a beer across the face, Ronny jumped into the crowd and beat the shit out of anyone within arm's length.

#2. Kermit Washington punches the shit out of Rudy Tomjanovich.

I couldn't find video of this 1970s clip, but with one punch a guy named after a Muppet frog *lands* a guy and ends his career.

#1. Nolan Ryan beats the shit out of Robin Ventura.

Baseball is a sport for pussies with beer bellies, as the story goes. But one day, Nolan Ryan threw his 100-mph fastball right at Stanford grad Robin Ventura, and Robin decided he was a real man, and ran out to the mound. Nolan Ryan put him in a headlock and beat the living shit out of him. God bless Nolan Ryan.

Still looking for video...